The Cameltoe Epidemic Has Been Cured: Camelflage That Thang

I remember when the tights movement started years ago. There is a lot of overthickness being disguised in black tights.

Look, I’m actually not mad at her. This is her best option. In the right lighting she just blends into the night. Those tights are holding everything in too. If she unleashes that, we wouldn’t see any of the rest of the people in the picture. But this was just the beginning, it has evolved. Now we are fully in the yoga pants era. Chicks don’t even need to be working out to rock the yoga pants. They are the new jeans.

Keep your head on the swivel. They are everywhere. The mall, the streets, the grocery store. If a woman is remotely in shape they give her an automatic +2. Side note, “girl in yoga pants” may be the single greatest Google search you can ever perform. Try it one day when you have a free afternoon. If you see a girl in yoga pants, you know what to do.

But you can’t have the good without the bad. Every great thing brings its own set of problems. For girls in tights, it is the dreaded cameltoe. Those tights try to grab up on everything and some women aren’t prepared for it. So some young entrepreneur decided to solve the problem. Introducing Camelflage.

I actually don’t know which picture is more disturbing. Is it the fact that the left picture had to involve someone instruction this chick to really pull her pants up in there for maximum puckering. Or the right picture where she looks like a Barbie doll. They get bonus points for the hilarious name “Camelflage” though. They deserve to go on the market just for that.

Why exactly is this a new invention though. I’m pretty sure this was invented by the Catholic church thousands of years ago. It was called draws. Been around forever. Ladies, why don’t you mix in a pair when you rock the tights. Avoiding panty lines? Don’t want the dreaded quad booty? Buy a thong. What? You don’t know what the quad booty is? You know what a quad booty is. We were talking about the cameltoe which is a little out of my jurisdiction as an assologist, but since it came up, this is a quadbooty.

Haaaa. Four butt cheeks, three cracks. That’s horrible. Someone invent something to fix that shit. Call it Quadecepts. Ladies, don’t let a little cameltoe discourage you from rocking your tights. Theres a dude somewhere who will appreciate it.


Abercrombie & Fitch and Us Versus Them Disagree on the Definition of “Perfect”

Last week the Assology newswire lit up with Breaking News. Abercrombie & Fitch was making a big claim.

Not just yoga pants. Not the Perfect yoga pants. The “perfect butt” yoga pants. Forget a spanx. A&F cracked the damn code. I had to do some additional research. Let’s see what Abercrombie has to offer.

Say what? Yoga pants. Black tights. Those might be the best invention known to man. You really can’t mess it up. That’s not what I call perfect. The script on the waistband might actually be bigger than her ass. If the word “Abercrombie” were written across her ass … it would still say Abercrombie.

They have a few other cuts though. It has to get better.

Yeah not yet…that got worse. Short shorts?

NO. No. No.

There is only one way to know if they were working with the right base model here. I know how to get to the bottom of this. Angle 2.

That is the worst angle 2 I’ve ever seen. How are you gonna run out a fail tail for your “perfect yoga pants”. This should have been the easiest casting job ever. I’ve never seen a woman of reasonable girth ever look bad in yoga pants. Watch. I’ll google Yoga Pants and just grab the first thing I see.

Right. I don’t know what the yoga pants are doing. But the butt is perfect. Proper back arch and everything.

I’ve learned over time, that this might not be enough for many of you. So I had the interns order up a XXL for you too.

If you ever need a fix. Roll on over to the brilliant “Girls in Yoga Pants“for more. Is this why the internet was invented? I think yes.