Kobe Bryant Can Breathe A Sigh of Relief

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Last season Kobe Bryant made a terrible mistake.  He thought he was going high fashion, and ended up with this.

Us Versus Them was there to cover the transformation of the Black Mamba into the White Mamba.  I wondered how someone gets tricked into letting a photographer do this to them.  But Amare Staudemire has taken that question to a whole ‘nother level.  ESPN the Magazine is doing their second annual “body” issue where they feature nude athletes and they convinced Amare to do this:

That is wrong, wrong, all kinds of wrong.

I’m pulling out all the stops on this one.  I sent the picture to all kinds of people to get their reaction.

LeBron?

Bruce Bowen, what was he thinking?

Chris Webber, would you ever do that?

Shaq?

Kobe do you feel responsible for this?

David Stern, you’ve got to have an opinion on this.  You can’t like this representing the league.  How do you feel about the pictures?

Hmmmm.  Guess I was wrong.

Amare.  Can I reiterate?  Just no.

-Brock

Ian will demand I post some sexy ladies to correct the balance of the universe in 5…4…3…2…

Kobe Bryant is Now the White Mamba

Have you ever done something, and you thought it was really hot when you did it?  You thought you looked really cool, or were being really funny, or you were rocking that hat?  But then you look back or see it in a picture it doesn’t quite come out the way you thought it would?  Well, Kobe Bryant did some “high fashion” pictures in the LA Times, and I don’t think this is what he was going for.  Let’s start with the basics, first of all Kobe Bryant can actually dress himself and has a good sense of fashion.  For some reason the LA Times thought they could improve on it. FAIL.

What exactly are they going for on this one? I mean fine, the gear isn’t really doing anything, but what exactly is that look on his face supposed to convey?  Is that his version of “model blank“? Or is he trying to hold back the bubble guts?  Wait, it gets much worse.

Someone please identify the individual pieces of clothing in this outfit.  I see a pair of shorts, a vest with no buttons, and either a long-ass shirt, a deflated fanny pack, or a flap hanging down from the front of a pair of overalls.  But seriously, it gets worse.

Kobe: The Nomad.  And doesn’t Kobe have tattoos?  The real problem is they over-photoshopped this dude like they thought they were smoothing out Angel Lola Luv’s booty.  I know what you are thinking.  Brock is going to tell me it gets worse, but I don’t believe him.  You better believe your boy, because I’m about to blow your mind.

Wait for it…

WTF?!?!?  IS he serious?  How do I even break this down?  He looks like your neighborhood flamboyant Ice Cream Man.  The hat is a bad idea to begin with, but to rock it over a headband is an even worse idea. That look on his face is the worst.  Once again. What is he going for?  Did he just get done saying “Whatchu talkin bout Willis“?  Look, I don’t want to talk about things that that are out of people’s control, but he’s gone so wrong with the things he was in control of, I feel like I have a license to go all the way.  When someone has eyes that don’t necessarily look in the same direction all the time, the sexy slow stare into the camera might not be the look you want.

But.

Wait.

It.

Gets.

Worse.

Worse. No words.

Except for the fact that the internets is already all over it.  So there are these gems.

National Geographic Kobe.

Kobe as the Mad Hatter:

KobE.T.

And Moonwalker Kobe.

Kobe, I hope you win the championship again, because people are going to be clowning you for a long, long time.

By people I mean me.

And by a long, long time…I mean forever.

These are going on the hard drive.

-Brock