New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced last week that he is pursuing a ban on sugary drinks in New York City. This isn’t the first time he’s done it either. He’s already slammed calories, smoking, trans fats, and hoes. Okay, I actually think Giuliani took care of the hoes, but Bloomberg took care of everything else. He’s quietly been trying to make New Yorkers healthier. He’s smooth about it too. The only thing he ever banned was trans fat, but once everyone found out what was trans fat was, no one wanted to eat it anyway. Everything else he just makes you cut back on. Wanna smoke? Go ahead, just pay this $4.35 per pack. LITERALLY. Damn near $5 per pack. Mayor Bloomberg says fuck you smokers! Oh and by they way, you can’t smoke inside or within 15 feet of anyone’s front door…which in New York is pretty much everywhere. You don’t need to lower the calories in the food, but if you want a double slammy burger with the sauce and the extra cheese, we’re gonna let you know you’re clocking 1150 calories. It’s harder to place that order when you see that big ass number beside it. Now it is sodas, Bloomberg wants to limit the drinks to 16 ounces so people will stop drinking all that soda.

I’m not mad at him. People who still drink soda need some outside help. You are the smokers of this generation. In the future, you will have to go outside your office building and stand by the dumpster to Do the Dew. I’ve seen people drop 20 pounds just by cutting Coke out of their life. Easiest diet ever. If you order the drink on the right over here:

Why are you fighting so hard against this? You clearly don’t give a damn about yourself. The Mayor might need to step in to help you out. Who needs 64 ounces of drank? That’s half a gallon of soda, that’s drinking a 2 liter by yourself. That’ can’t be for one person. You want to know what makes it worse.

These assholes at Kentucky Fried had the nerve to drop the “Kentucky Grilled Chicken” logo on the side. My nilla Lake broke down why KGC ain’t right way back in 2009. Look, if someone orders up the drink with a handle on it that is packing 217 grams of sugar, they are not ordering the grilled chicken, ok? They are getting a bucket of extra tasty crispy and a few double downs. When you drink has a handle on it, you are doing too much. If you have a drink cup that has a handle on it that actually holds a gallon of soda in it, you are doing way too much.

Dude is still slimmed out now, but if he keeps drinking that soda that horse on his shirt is gonna look regular sized before he’s done.

So a lot of people are mad at Bloomberg for proposing this ban. Who are these people? What do you really want? This is at restaurants and vendors. I have to admit, there is nothing worse than buying lunch and hitting the bottom of that drink before you get done eating. But if you need a big soda, just hit the local bodega and get yourself a 22 of Dr. Pepper. You can still get what you want. The mayor is trying to save you from yourself. Man Up and let him do it. It’s better for you. We know what will happen if you are left to your own devices.

Yeah, we know exactly what will happen.

Man Up big fella.

-Brock