Weird Science: Cruise Ships

I have a confession to make. There are certain things in the world that just don’t make sense to me. Most of them have to do with scientific principles that don’t really make sense once you think about them too hard. Like airplanes. You really want me to believe that air moving over the bottom of the wing faster than the air over the wing is supposed to keep something that big that weighs that much in the air?

Even worse, cruise ships. They are skyscrapers on their side with thousands of people on them that float on water.

That thing is bigger than the whole island. Why is it floating? You want to know the worst part of this problem? When the physics fail (or an idiot breaks something) this is what happens to cruise ships.

I don’t know if you’ve ever been on  a cruise ships, but all the rooms aren’t sexy. Sure it is cool to get your Leonardo DiCaprio on and pretend like you are flying in the wind if you have one of those window rooms. But there are more rooms on the inside of the cruise ship that are just tiny jail cells with no windows. Imagine being in one of those when the whole boat goes sideways and starts filling with water.

Worst. Vacation. Ever.

I already thought this was the worst story ever. Then it got worse. There used to be principles in this world. Where you could depend on other people to do their job. People would devote their whole life to their job, take it seriously, take pride in their work. Now…I’m thinking most of these jobs are just a paycheck. One of those principles…the Captain always goes down with the ship. I think the pirates or Christopher Columbus invented that one. It’s been around for a long time. It makes sense. Someone has to be responsible. Like I’m in charge of UvT HQ. When the fire alarm goes off, I’ve got to make sure we get all the interns out. Make sure the stash of vodka and red bull is secured because the amount of vodka we keep in the office is probably a fire hazard. And grab the hard drives. I’m the captain, I can’t be the first man out of the door.

Meet Francesco Schettino. First of all this dude sunk a billion dollar cruise ship, not by hitting something he couldn’t see, not by getting hit by an underwater iceberg, he ran into LAND. The earth. That shit doesn’t move around. You are supposed to master the sweet art of keeping your boat on the water part instead on of on the dirt part when you are sailing around in a little dinghy, not in a 8 story cruise ship with 1,000 people on board. Dude saw that things were going wrong and got his ass on a escape boat and hit the shore. He broke out. That isn’t exactly an inspirational leader. The coast guard was trying to force him to go back and actually do his job, he pretty much refused.  Logical…but messed up.

So yeah, your boy Brock is never going on a cruise again. For the record, the aw hail naw list also includes: bungee cords, helicopters, hang gliders, planes with propellers, and parachutes. I don’t trust any of those things.



I Hate Public Restrooms

I know I’m a little different when it comes to the public restrooms. I hate them. It never goes right for a variety of reasons but there are three things I hate the most.

1. I hate people who don’t wash their hands after they use the joint. You’ve been touching your dack, or worse, wiping your arse, I see you bounce out of the bathroom without washing your hands and then you want to come shake my hand later on like its all good????


Let me tell you something. Now, that right there. THAT RIGHT THERE!!!!…is a perfect 10 Seasoned Salt plus a Garlic Salt on Mike’s Salt Meter!

2.  I hate that cat that for some reason wants to have a conversation with you when you’re watering the lawn. I’m trying to get in, I’m trying to get out! I don’t like the smell of the joint. And if I’m at the club, I’m already irritated that Lil Man at the sink is going to hand me a paper towel (like I can’t do it myself) and then successfully make me feel bad about not paying a dollar for one mint flavored Life Saver. Not to mention that every once in a while you catch your stall neighbor sneaking a a quick peek at your junk out one of the bottom corners of his eyes. DON’T TALK TO ME, MAN!!!! #STFU!!!!

Not as much as a rule violation as the clown that wants to shake your hand with particles of his personal fragrance still on his hands, but still an 8 on the Salt Meter.

3.   I guess this is the reason that this is top of mind. Why I’m a little salty right now. Just happened to me this morning. Now usually, I don’t care what’s happening. If it’s a sit down situation I’m dealing with regarding the bathroom, I will hold it until I get home. Know what I’m saying? But I knew I was wrong when I had the chilaquiles verdes this morning and one thing lead to another…I find myself in the hotel bathroom. Now everybody knows that all you have to do is look under the toilet stalls and if you see shoes and some pants, there’s a person attached to them. You do that by yourself. I hear the door open, I figure at some point dude has ducked a little and inspected whether there was someone in the bathroom or not. No interaction needed, no eye contact necessary. It’s all good. It pisses me off when fools want to walk by each stall anyway and look through the space in the door just to make absolutely sure there’s a person in there.

Talk about Mind the Gap.

I just feel violated man, some dude seeing me sitting there wild and free like that. It’s a 7 on the Salt Meter. But. Guess what. You never need deal with this sort of disrespect ever again. I came up with a solution. It’s free, it’s easy. I’m working on the patent. It’s Mike’s Toilet Stall Drapes. All you need is some toilet tissue and you’re good to go. Just roll a three foot piece of toilet paper and make a little ball at the end.

Then place them in the the space next to the door and BAM!   There you go….Mike’s Drapes:

Makes you feel right at home in minutes. With the drapes, I might post up in there with a magazine next time. I know that’s a full violation of Brock’s Rule #2 of Public Pooping, but I think the drapes revolutionize the game.

It’s unisex. Once I get my patent I might run it out in custom colors and patterns.  Maybe not. But even if I never make a dime, I know that today, I did something valuable to help Team Us in the fight against Them. Out!




Assology 106: Aw Hail Naw Edition

Now see, I glorify the tail and someone had to go on ahead and take it too far.  They have taken my beloved tail crease and defiled it.


Whoever invented this thought it was such a good idea that they both wanted to get it out into the public and said that there was a “patent pending” on it.  Patent pending on what homey?  One drawing bird mouths and eyeballs in the booty crease?  How do you even phrase that proposal?

“Specimen features a standard pair of jeans with an artistic feature strategically placed in the area where the lower buttock region meets the upper thigh.  As the wearer walks a crease is formed in an alternating manner.  In this crease the artistic feature will appear to become animated in a repeating pattern.  The patterns will include but not be limited to eyes winking, ducks opening their mouths, Film take markers, and owl eyes.”

Do you know how much a patent costs?  It This dude serious?  I guess if you have negative arse or a fail tail, you can’t wear the Winkers.  He seems to feature the more full figured individuals.

I never thought ass could look so bad. I’m disturbed.  Now every tail can be a fail tail.


Science. Objective, Neutral Science.

You’ve got to love it when science proves some bullshizzle.  It really amazes me when scientists study something ridiculous and try to prove something.  This one is a real gem though.  You know how you see good looking people and you just like them better.  Guys, we’re not talking about the ladies…you just like them because you want to hit it.  I’m talking about regular everyday people.  Better jobs, a quick read on your personality, whether people “trust” you, all of that matters.  This study actually looked at this generalization, and gave results on the basis of the results they found.  Here is the crazy part, they did a matrix with all of the different general types of faces and laid them out on a scale of being dominant versus being trustworthy.  Check it out.


So…let’s start at the bottom.  Non-dominant and trustworthy.  Apparently, if you look like the dancing baby, you’re all good.


The dominance factor basically goes up from there if you simply stop looking like a small child.  Let’s go to the other extreme.  Non-trustworthy and dominant…the brows get heavier, the nose gets wider, the chin gets stronger.  Hey!  Wait a minute…all of those features are ethnic facial traits. Thanks, scientific study!  Also, never make an angry face, because that also chips you down a few points.  See this is the kind of stuff that is dangerous.  It is one thing to record opinion, it is another to assert some sort of graph that dictates how people are going to react to certain kinds of people.  Well, after this…the Great Khali is screwed.



Fried Turkey: Get With It

Long about 15 hours from now, I will be digging into some deep fried cajun goodness.  I know most of you have a momma who is going to be waking up at 5am to drop a turkey in the oven that will be in there all day long and hit you with that good old home style turkey.  There is a place for that, I’ll get with that too, but you’ve got to supplement it with this:

That’s right.  Whip out five gallons of oil, some cajun seasoning, a propane tank and some open flame and you can get a 12 pounder done in long about 55 minutes.  And let me tell you it is as delicious as it looks.

If you are a rookie you might end up with this:

I know it is supposed to be cajun style, but “cajun” is not code for “burnt”.  It is not supposed to be blackened.  The crazy thing?  That joint above is probably still delicious.

Oh, and don’t be stupid.  If your grease overflows the cooker and falls into that open flame of the burner, which is connected to a 20 pound tank of propane gas…you might die.

I mean you are basically cooking in napalm.  If shit goes wrong, you are completely screwed.  The deliciousness is soooo worth it though.  I’m getting hype right now.  I might go get a McDonald’s Sweet tea just to get my mind right.


You Thought the Wildcat Offense Was Something? Check the A-11!

For those of you who aren’t addicted to football like I am, or who don’t drop into the man cave at 12:59 pm every Sunday and try to literally watch every single game that comes on.  Seriously.  At the same time.  That Sunday Ticket Gamemix is a beast.  HD of course.

So 7 weeks ago Ronnie Brown returned to the Dolphins after an injury..and the Dolphins being the Dolphins, were prepared to pull out every trick in the book.  The first trick was the “Wildcat Offense” which involves a direct snap to the running back.  It somehow makes even pro teams look like a Division II college squad with all the inside handoffs and flea flickers.

The only thing is that the KC Chiefs showed that NFL teams are not prepared to defend against it, and Ronnie Brown got completely loose for 5TD’s that week (throwing 1).  That means damn near everyone dropped the Wildcat into the playbook at the end of that week.

Well a little High School in Oakland, California is going one better.  At Piedmont High they started running the A-11.

The purple team is on offense although it damn near looks like both teams are about to drop back into coverage.  That would be the Center as the only down lineman, 2 quarterbacks, and five potential eligible receivers at any given time, which basically consists of everyone else on the field in any combination.  Some football madman found the loophole in the rules, figured out how to get the ball out before his QB gets killed, and is currently destroying teams in his league.  He’s on a 5 game winning streak and has outscored his opponents 139-55.

What’s it look like?

That’s crazy.  I can barely tell which team is which, but this guy is now getting calls from College and pro squads asking how to run this thing.

Someone call the Detroit Lions.  They’ll try anything at this point.  Ever since this dude left:

They ain’t been right since.