Not that Anyone Was Thinking About it, But Dack Tattoos are a Bad Idea

Tattoos have gotten completely out of control. A few years ago we did a rant about neck tattoos as if they were the worst thing ever. In the meantime, THIS has become the worst thing ever.

It’s a little hard to appreciate the grid detail on the sugar cone when the concept is so ridiculous.

That was the day Gucci Mane decided the only job he was ever going to have was “rapper”. I guess he didn’t get the memo that all the rappers who have been successful enough to do things other than make music are now getting their tattoos removed. Like Pharrell:

Looks painful.

50 Cent is getting his removed too. By the way, if you Google “50 Cent Tattoo removal” just go for the pictures, don’t actually try to pay 50 cents to remove your tattoos. It should cost way more than that.

So now there is a story coming out of Iran about a man who got a permanent erection after getting his dack tattooed. I know what you are asking. “I know Iran is supposed to be crazy, but not ‘dick tattoo’ crazy. What could be so important that you would get it tattooed on your junk? This dude left a message for his girlfriend. It says “good luck with your journeys”. If a girl is close enough to read your dick tattoo, there is only one kind of journey she’s about to embark on. I would have gone with “Objects in your hand are larger than they appear”.

Yeah. That feels pimperish.

Quick side question. I know tattoo “artists” aren’t exactly the first cut of society, but who had a guy walk into their shop and ask for a dack tatt and the guy says…sure, whip it out and let me see what we’re working with”? Who does that? Also, topping my list of questions I don’t want to ask, to you tattoo the dude au naturale and let the letters expand, or to you tattoo in the condition that he would probably like to have it when his girl reads her special message?

See the kind of questions you have to answer once you don’t turn down the dude who wants to get his stuff tattooed?

Finally, I have to imagine the amount of man on man contact necessary to execute a dack tattoo is a complete violation of Rule #1. Why do I assume that it was a dude? Because I’m pretty sure in a country where women are required to wear headscarves in public, grabbing and tattooing a random dack is against all kinds of laws and public health.

Since I’m on the subject, I just want to quickly address the problem of ill advised tattoos. Things that just don’t make sense. Where the tattoo itself is already a in conflict with the process of getting a tattoo. Like this.

I can’t tell if this is a warning or an invitation. What makes you get a tramp stamp of a bible verse? Even worse, why do you get a tattoo of a bible verse about love and faith that can only be read when someone is standing behind you bent over with your arse crack exposed? I’m pretty sure this isn’t what Paul had in mind when he delivered his message on love and faith to the Corinthians. Call me crazy.

So if anyone was planning on getting their junk tattooed in time for Valentine’s Day, the time to turn back is now. Just make some dinner reservations and buy some chocolates. It’s boring, but a much better play.



When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong: Gangbangin’ Edition

I know all you real thugs need to keep it real in these streets.  When you’re leading the thug life, you can’t turn it off for anyone.


Yeah, all that is great until you actually get popped and you need to go in front of that judge, then it is time to clean it up.  All of a sudden the hair gets cut, the clothes tighten up, and the suit and tie come out.  Sometimes you thug so hard it is impossible to pull back.  This dude is so thugged out, his lawyer broke out the photoshop to show that he might be able to clean up into a respectable human being by the trial date.  Check his work…


Ha, my man is going to have to grow out the porn ‘stache to cover up the name of his gang on his upper lip.  The upper lip tatt?  That is going hard.  I like how the lawyer didn’t photoshop out those beatdown bruises he caught, because that is ‘good’ evidence.  We’ve already called out neck tattoo guy, this is just an extension of that.  No matter what you think you are going to do for the rest of your life, you might have to clean it up at some point.  Being in that gang is cool on the streets, but in that courtroom, you’re going straight to jail behind that lip tattoo.  I wonder how long he has to grow it out.  I do have a suggestion…


Yeah, no one would ever convict a guy who looks like that.  A man with a mustache like that couldn’t possibly be a danger to society. He looks like fun, or at least like he knows where to find a good beer.