Lights Out: Recap of the Super Bowl

I was still getting my second half nachos tight when I came back and heard the lights were out at the Super Bowl. My first thought was this:

Then I remembered that Shawn Merriman was only good for about 3 seasons, was probably on that stuff for all of this decent years and hasn’t been relevant for a good 4 seasons. So he couldn’t have been the one who turned the lights out. Then I remembered it was in New Orleans. You know there were a good 30 seconds where everyone in the Super Dome thought it was either Katrina Part 2, or some wildness about to go down. I know the Super Bowl snipers were ready. Don’t sleep, there is someone hidden up there somewhere waiting to take someone out if they detected a threat.

For guys who make a living talking on television, the commentators sure as hell didn’t know how to fill the 30 minute gape caused by the blackout, that was some of the worst tv I’ve ever seen. How many times did they try to tell us how long it takes a fluorescent light back on? Great reporting fellas.

Finally they said it was a power surge. Well, I know who is responsible for that.

Maybe we should talk to the chick who danced on top of  a 40 foot wide LED screen for 20 minutes. I think she might have had something to do with it. She’s got Destiny’s children exploding all up out of the stage. She’s dancing with multiple versions of herself. Beyonce blew up the Super Bowl. If you are going to give us 6 years of old musical acts because of Janet Jackson’s boob, maybe we can ease off on the crazy displays during the halftime shows for the next few years. After all, we are here for a football game. I like a Beyonce concert as much as the next guy, but I’m here for the game.

Of course, there is also the game inside of the game. Like the horrible play of the Niners special teams that made Jim Harbaugh do this.

In real time that looked like a really legit tantrum, but every time you look at it on a loop it gets worse and worse. What’s that big loopy thing he’s doing with his arms? Is that a dismount? I like how he goes right hand, left hand, both hands, but he really doesn’t get any velocity on those two laminated sheets of paper. Those khaki pants aren’t doing him any favors either. He should have saved that anger for the last play of the fourth quarter when there was a no call on holding…because that was clearly holding.

Am I the only one who actually needed more shots of Ray Lewis crying? Yeah? Just me? Lucky I keep a few handy.

I’m just glad they didn’t give Ray the MVP s a parting gift. They barely mentioned his name after the game started. I forgot he was out there for a second. Luckily, he will be right at a desk on ESPN the second football is back next season. I look forward to it. Yes I’m being sarcastic. Oh well, it’s another 7 months until football comes back. I guess I’ll kinda watch basketball until March Madness and the NBA playoffs, then ignore sports until next September. That plan has always worked well for me before.


Is it Just Me, or Does Ray Lewis Seem a Little Emotional Right Now?

Now that I’ve finally recovered from the Falcons losing to the Niners last week we can start to talk about this Super Bowl. Somehow, Ray Lewis got injured and completely hijacked the playoffs this year. Somehow Ray Lewis is making a comeback and retiring at the same time. How does that work? At least we only have to see this one more time.

Yeah, that’s the old school version with the extra hip wiggle. I guess you don’t have to dance well as long as you dance hard. But Ray is so ridiculous right now, the dance isn’t even close to the most ridiculous thing he’s doing right now.

Did you see him at the beginning of the AFC Championship game? During the National Anthem, and we’re not talking about Beyonce here, I’m talking a three-part harmony country, “why are those other two dudes even there?”, version. Ray lost it like Whitney Houston came back to life to sing the Star Spangled Banner with Michael Jackson on backup vocals, Jimi Hendrix on guitar, and Jesus himself on drums.

I can’t take a grown man with face paint and a durag seriously. Ray is crying before the game, after the game. Crying at the crib thinking about the game. Crying while he’s watching the game tape. I don’t know how he can take it, because I sure as hell can’t take it anymore.

I understand football is an emotional game, but Ray can’t  manage to hold it together at all. What the hell is causing this? Was his rehab for the injury just watching The Notebook over and over again? Did he have a Rudy marathon before the Notre Dame national championship game and get inspired by Rudy Ruettiger living his dream? Did he have a sit down with Tim Tebow about his future in the league?

I’m actually scared of what will happen to Ray if the Ravens manage to win the SuperBowl. Here he is after the last win.

Ray Lewis is really putting in some religious work right now. If the Ravens get that Lombardi trophy, Ray might just go ahead and roll out a full sermon, die, resurrect himself, and try to make the holy trinity a holy quadrinity or whatever four holy things would be called. The Father, Son, the Holy Spirit and Ray Lewis. Maybe then, Ray would be able to quote some deeper scripture. “No weapon formed against me shall prosper?” Come on Ray, we all know that one. And what weapon are you talking about? Your triceps injury? Everyone loves you Ray. You’ve been in the league since the 90’s. I can’t name one person who hates Ray Lewis. Okay, maybe that dude you may or may not have murdered in Atlanta, but you can’t really blame them.

Ray, try to turn it down a bit this Sunday. I don’t want to see a man spontaneously explode on the field.


Every Once In A While We All Need A Reminder The World Is Jacked Up

We all want to believe the world is a pretty friendly place. As long as you are one of the good guys, everything is okay. Usually that is true. But every now and then we all need a reminder that the MAN will take out one or a few individuals for the common good.

Like this:

I know my boy H8torade likes to do his WTF? moments, but that is a REAL WTF moment. There is literally a perch at the top of the REAL Superbowl stadium with a stone cold killer waiting for someone to make a wrong move. Everyone should be on notice that if you go streaking at the Super Bowl, you won’t just get tackled by a member of glorified mall security, someone is going to take you out like he’s camping out in a game of Call of Duty.

I really feel like they should tell us when the stakes are this high when you try something. Like, if you jump the White House fence, you know you will not make it to the doorbell without catching at least a shot in the leg and a bite in the arse from an attack dog.

But you know that when you jump the fence. You aren’t really interested in personal freedom and continuing life at that point. So you’ve been warned. No jokes at the Super Bowl, they’ll take your ass out. If anyone knows where else they have snipers posted, can you let a brother know? I’m kinda a dick sometimes, I don’t want to get shot over some bullshit.


Man Up Monday: Superbowl Edition

Man Up Monday on the morning after the Superbowl is always a little shady.  I had the party at the crib. I was drinking the finest brews and eating the finest wings.  Then no one caught a beatdown or embarrassed themselves out there too badly, you know I’m not going to write anything on Jordy Nelson dropping a few and catching a few.  That said, I can’t write about anything other than the Superbowl this Monday can I?

There is the stuff everyone is talking about that doesn’t really matter, like Christina Aguilera messing up the National Anthem:

If you weren’t paying attention, you probably would have missed it.  I think Christina thought the words were Ohsayeeeyay Cannnnyou seeeeeeeee…. whoaohhwoooaoooooohhhhhh Yeahhhhhh aaaaaaawwwwwww Hooooooooooooommmme uhhhhhhvvvvvduhhhhh breayayayayayaaaaaaaaaaaaave.  So do words really matter?  She was barely using the words anyway.  Lake breaks that debacle down in the post below.

I can’t really say anything bad about the Steelers.  They were in it the whole game, played hard, hit hard, and almost caught up at the end.

I will say it would have been weird to see Big Ben on the extremely short list of QB’s with three or more Superbowl Championships.

Bradshaw, Montana, Brady, Aikman, and Rothlesberger?  Do you see that list?  That just wouldn’t feel right.  Not right now anyway.  Ben and the Steelers will probably get another shot.

Kim Kardashian needs a Woman Up for that Sketchers commercial.

While I do appreciate the fact that she actually has a clear understanding of her brand. (sex) and selling a product that is actually selling the impossible (an ass like Kimmy K)…I’m calling B.S. on the body double.  I’m not going to say I am the worlds leading expert of spotting Kim Kardashian’s tail at any angle (although I probably am), but that was not her butt when they dropped in for that close up.

Man Up to Vitor Belfort for catching this:

Dude got knocked out by a kick straight in the face.  While I watch MMA, I don’t practice my art on a daily basis to master and execute moves…but the word on the street is that this is the most useless kick in martial arts.  Easy to block, leaves you open to counterattack, hard to land clean, all of that.  But what does the baddest dude on the planet do with it?

Knocks. Suckas. Out.  That joint was crazy.

Forrest Griffin thinks Anderson Silva made Belfort look bad.

and he got knocked out with a backing up straight right.

Now for the weekends winners.  Jon Jones in the UFC for choking out Ryan Bader and getting a title shot in March. The kid is a beast.

Also I love it when people who win real championships celebrate with a WWE style championship belt.  Which makes Aaron Rodgers an instant member of TeamUs.


Yatch Please: Christina Aguilera Dishonors America at Superbowl

Everybody knows I’m no super patriotic cat.  The teabagger crew and their infinite ignorance pretty much destroyed that.

Still, I don’t want cats taking our few shinning moments, the times when we can come together as a nation for our putative national holiday, THE SUPERBOWL, and mess that up.

Ha.  Don’t worry, they got the very positive Black Eyed Peas to rock that half time show.  And aside from Will.I.Am’s electronic shag with the bluetooth/star trek part, the joint went well.

But I knew we’d be in trouble when they commissioned the sorta rican, Briney Spears Jr. Jr. B teamer, Christina Aguilera to do the anthem.

Look, in short, baby girl disrespected George Washington, Abe Lincoln, Barack Obama and Baby Jesus hisself with that God-awful rendition of the National Anthem at the Superbowl.  Peep it.


Come on player… You’re going to forget the words during THAT song at THAT moment when EVERYBODY is watching?  And worst yet, you didn’t just forget the words, you got all confused and turned around on D like Carl Lewis…


(AHHHNT, back to Xtina, that Carl shit is soooo off key and sooo terrible, it doesn’t even deserve any more mention).

First off, Christina is terrible as a general matter and I never liked her to begin with. This is a babe that should have just left good enough alone with the well above average voice. But no, that wasn‘t good enough. She had to be a sex symbol.

Then she had to do her best “Livin La Vida Loca“ latin shuffle and try to act as though she was down with “la raza” and had been chompin’ on arroz con pollo all along.

Look, I did a summer abroad in Espana, ok? That and those 8 tacos I ate last week di-rec-itally after reading Brock‘s post on those 80% beef having tacos from Outside the Bun makes me more Lar-tino than her white (lack of an) ass!  Then her music is just terrible. She over sings everything, including anthems apparently. That’s why she never has any appearances on any rap songs. Cats don‘t want to be waiting all day long for you to finish that 6 bar hook.

So when I saw they picked her for the Superbowl anthem, I knew it would be terrible. I knew we’d open the song with an 8 note riff on the “Ohhhhhhh Say” part. I knew she’d try all kinds of silly runs, riiight around the “see”…and I knew she’d neglect the middle, en route to some ill-conceived, bullshit b flat version of the only good part of the song..THE END!

“Oh say does that star spangled, banner yet waaave…Or da land, of da freeee-EEEEEEEE”

I mean, we all want to go HAM on that “EEEEEEE” part. I get it. That’s the patriotic version of the Jodeci build up we all live for. Been there, done that. But dog, you can’t just go all Naked Gun on the joint and skip lines. In fact, Enrico Pallazo’s joint was better than Xtina’s. Peep it.


LOL, now that’s classic.

In the end, her shit was what we thought it would be. Not hot, full of bullshit runs that did nothing for anyone and then she forgot words to a song that should take about 90 seconds to complete. Honestly, the whole affair is a metaphor for her entire career: not hot with a bunch of extra fluff that nobody wants or needs.


And though I know that she’s a mother now, is it too much to ask for her not to look like someone’s moms out there?

Baby girl looked a mess in that respek-able suit piece. A total and complete fail.

Me, I’d rather she just kept sh*t real and done the Roscoe Dash version of the Anthem. How hot would that have been? I could see it now, Roscoe would hook up all the dope ad libs with a plethora of “they do” and “go, go”….. Right? And for real, who among us didn’t want to see her literally drop it to da flo’ and do her duty for Amurica with  no hands?

Am I right or am I right?

– Lake