Man Up Monday: New England Patriots

The New York Giants won the Superbowl, beating the Patriots…Again.

Sure, everyone was leaning New York this year, but everyone just knew the Patriots were going to pull it out. When you are Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, you aren’t supposed to lose two Superbowls in a row. All the old school wisdom of “guys who get there and lose know what it takes to get the win” doesn’t really look like such good advice right now. The New York Giants seem to have the Patriots number at this point. That and the Patriots completely forgot how to pass the ball in the second half.

I have to imagine it is getting ugly in New England. You know who I blame? Chad Ochocinco. If dude was even remotely effective, even as a decoy he could have helped. Did you ever think Chad Johnson-cinco would be in a Super Bowl and everyone would barely recognize he was there. Next year the league will barely recognize he was there because he’s probably not going to be in the league. Maybe he can hook back up with T.O. and do Real Ex-Players of Cincinnati.

Bill Belichick’s “crazy genius” is going to be a little less impressive without the Super Bowl wins. Also, once he was busted for “Spygate” he hasn’t been soo good at winning Super Bowls. Uh-oh. Once of the biggest rules of life is that you can be a crazy asshole when you are winning, but once you start losing, you kinda just look like a homeless dude who found some hand me down Patriots gear.

Add a beard and I’m pretty sure he looks just like the dude at my exit on the freeway. Side note. I believe when I reference the Us Versus Them rulebook, Rule #28 is “Cutoff shorts only look good on women.” That rule was developed in reference to jean shorts, because I couldn’t imagine a grown man trying to make shorts out of any other material. But Belichick is rocking cuttoff sweats. Not only that, but the fact that the shorts are cuttoffs means he chose that length. I’m pretty sure he would have been sent home from my middle school for shorts that short. That much thigh is simply unacceptable.

So Eli Manning and the Giants win the Superbowl and I think Eli might actually smile when he gets to Disney World.

Maybe not. Remember 5 months ago when everyone was outraged that Eli Manning even suggested that he was a top 5 QB in the league? How no one could believe Eli thought he was “Elite”? There was a two week discussion about how much Eli Manning sucked. Every “expert” on TV was putting Eli firmly in that second tier of QB’s. Now, there are three QB’s playing with more than one Superbowl ring. Eli, Tom Brady and Ben Rothlesberger. We judge skills with wins, right? Eli basically balled up all that criticism and issued a big “Screw You” to the world last night.

So New England Patriots, Man Up! If you need a point of reference, check out Eli over there. His coach was about to get fired about 5 weeks ago. He just brought him home the big trophy.


For the “Biggest Game Ever” the Super Bowl Kinda Sucks

I’m a huge football fan, so I’m excited about the Super Bowl this Sunday. Sure, it means I won’t be able to watch football again until September, but it is always fun to crown the Champion. I’ll be glued to the TV (whenever I’m not making a wings and drink run to the kitchen.) because there are so many great things about the Super Bowl. Great Football, lots of commercials, all football talk all week, and it is the one time of the year when you get to practice your Roman numerals.

This is a long one. I don’t know what a “VI” is but at least they are Xtra Large this year. Can’t wait for two years from now when they whip out Super Bowl XLVIII and try to make it look reasonable. I’m pretty sure they will ditch the Roman numerals when they get to Super Bowl LXXXVIII. I want to live for another 42 years just to I can see how they handle it. 88 is much more reasonable than LXXXVIII.

I will say there are a lot of thinks I don’t understand about the Super Bowl. Let’s run em down, shall we?

The Start Time:

All season, Sunday football is easy. On the East Coast you get a 1pm, a 4pm and a late game. Easy. I moved to the West Coast and that becomes a rough 10am start and a 1pm. I prefer to drink beer at 1pm, it feels more natural, but if I’ve got to start drinking at 10am, I’ll do it for the greater good. It’s nice because that late game isn’t that late. There is nothing worse on the East Coast than staying up until midnight trying to see what happens at the end of that Sunday night game.

Meanwhile, the Super Bowl start time is always at 6:37pm. Who came up with that? Even then, you’ve got to get past the intro, some country singer rocking “My Country Tis of Thee”, some volunteers holding a giant country shaped American Flag.

If you aren’t supposed to let the American flag touch the ground, why is cutting it into fun shapes okay? I’m pretty sure the founding fathers wouldn’t approve. (Side note, when I found this picture someone tagged it “flag shaped like Texas”. They clearly missed Florida over there. Only Texans are self-absorbed enough to pull off something like that)


Football games are usually easy. Unless it goes into overtime, it lasts 3 hours. Halftime is just enough time for you to get up, refresh the snacks, watch a few highlights, and before you know it you get to watch more football. In the Super Bowl you can actually go to a restaurant, order food, wait for it, drive back home and still have time to see Madonna finish up her medley, closing out a remix of “Music” while “fans” swing their neon glowsticks in the air.

The Commercials:

Everyone who says they watch the Superbowl just for the commercials is an asshole. Those people also probably follow KFC on Twitter. They are also lying. I know every news outlet can’t discuss sports, but the Today Show breaking down the most memorable commercials one day a year is actually pretty sad. Coke is going to do something they think is inspirational (it won’t be), Doritos and Snickers will do something stupid.

Bud Light will have guys acting dumb with naked women, monkeys and dogs – perhaps simultaneously, and Honda will try to be endearing with a high probability of a smug dad. Unless it is all Kobe System commercials. Those are Awesome. You’re Welcome.

The Game:

Football only really happens in the first three quarters. After that the winning team is usually milking the clock and slowing everything down. The Championship games this year were good. Hopefully the Super Bowl is too. If someone is up by 14 going into the fourth quarter…the game is probably over. Sorry.

So enjoy the Super Bowl this weekend. Party is at my crib this year, so I can get fully loaded in the comfort of my home. Go Pats! (Before you get mad Giants fans, I am always wrong with my game predictions. I went 1-4 in the Conference Semifinals.)