Man Up Monday: Stallions, Colts & Yearlings

I love how horse racing makes people lose their mind.  For some reason Triple Crown winner Secretariat gets included as one of the “50 greatest athletes of all time”.  Then people get all excited over three races that take place over the course of a month.  Does anyone but gambling degenerates care about horse racing any other time of the year?  No probably not.  Anyway, the wild rhetoric is flying again because filly Rachel Alexandra just won the Preakness stakes.  That’s right, the best, fastest horses in the world just got beat by a girl.

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This is horse racing.  Let me put this into perspective.  Male horses are where people steroids come from. I’m not talking about the cream and the clear.  I’m talking about the good shit. That muscles with muscles on top of muscles type stuff.  So those guys got blown away by a female horse.

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Not that I’m into horse racing, but the first race was won by a “gelding”, which is a horse that has already been castrated.  Geldings aren’t supposed to be able to win races because they are less strong and aggressive.  That means that all the races this year have been won by horses that aren’t the go hard stallions.  The next damn race is going to be won by a one legged mule at this rate.

Maybe it is time for these horses to get on those roids too.  It people roids come from horses, where do horse roids come from?  Maybe we can get some elephant roids going or something before the Belmont Stakes.

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There is one other alternative.  Like Pops said in Boomerang, Don’t be p*ssy Whipped, whip that p*ssy!

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Y’all supposed to be stallions.  The damn Stallionaires did better than this at this point, they’ve flipped their fame into another Real Chance of Love show.  So horses…

Man Up!

-Brock

Vitamin Water Banned By the NCAA

I know Coca-Cola wasn’t betting on this when they paid that clean $4.1 Billion for VitaminWater back in 2007.  That is right…$4.1 Billi.  Money was good back in ’07.  Well, the NCAA just broke off half of the VitaminWater product line as illegal because they could potentially causing a positive drug test.

I know ARod is kicking himself.  He could have used the “Vitamin Water” defense on Monday.  Also known as the “I didn’t know until you told me” defense.

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Peter Gammons: So, did you ever use any Performance Enhancing Substances?

ARod: Well, I was hitting that Vitaminwater “b_relaxed”, I was under a lot of pressure when I got to Texas, I wanted to be the best.

Peter Gammons: Was there anything else?

ARod:  Look Pete, I was young, I was hitting it hard.  I mean I was on that “essential” every day, cause it is, you know, essential.  Then when I studied tape, I would bang out a “focus” or two.  When I was about to hit the club I had three “energy and vodkas” to get right, when I got those hoes….errrrr….when I was about to go home to my wife I’d bust that “vital-t and endurance” on ice.  Then I’d wake up and hit a rescue before I did it again.  I mean I was on that shit Peter.

Peter Gammons: So you only were on that vitaminwater while you were in Texas?

ARod:  That’s pretty accurate.

First of all “that’s pretty accurate” is from ARod’s real explanation of the situation.  “That’s pretty accurate” is basically ‘liar’ for, “look, you already caught me, I’m not going to lie again, but I’m sure as hell not admitting to anything more that what you are accusing me of.”

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The best thing about vitaminwater?  It is neither “vitamins” nor is it “water”.  OK, it has water in it, but it should be called “sugarbullshitplantsandtweedswater”.  Cardamom B ain’t gonna help you do a damn thing.  There isn’t enough L-Glutamine in there to help your joints.  It is sugar water!  You might as well break out the kool-aid and take chew some Flintstones vitamins.

Damn, I used to really get with a Flintstones vitamin.  I mean I was like the Lil Wayne of Flintstones vitamins.

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Hell, I was Flintstoned through half of my damn childhood.  I learned how to open that childproof cap and it was on.  Sheeeeiiit, that little picture is giving a brother flashbacks.  I might have to go get me a bottle tonight.  I’ll be pissing bright yellow for the rest of the week.

What was I talking about?  Right, vitaminwater.  We’ll rest assured that those assholes are up right now trying to figure out what the hell they are going to do.  Gatorade has never been banned.  Powerade has never been banned.  That is some serious stuff right there.

That 5-hour energy ain’t right either.  That Red Bull ain’t right.  We’re all going down behind the energy drink era.  They are going to start putting an asterisk on people’s paychecks.  “Hey, Bob sold a lot of TV’s last month but he was on that VitaminWater” so some of his numbers are juiced.  He will now be stripped of employee of the month in June ’08.

Hilarious.

I’m about to hit a bottle of that “xxx”, Wednesday is “hump day” after all.  The ladies all better keep an eye out for your boy today, I’m gonna be hopped up on that shit.

-Brock