Ridin Dirty: Lance Armstrong is on that juice!

I love when athletes are forced to make confessions. It’s one of the most ridiculous moments in all of sports. Has anyone who has EVER been accused of taking steroids been clean? One person? Ever? Has “I don’t know what was in that supplement” ever worked? I know Carl Lewis is glad he ran back in the days of hightop fades and no internet because I’m sure he would not make it in the modern era. But Lance really takes the cake.

You know what the Lance Armstrong “confession” showed me? That, whether you are on the juice or not, there is a certain attitude it takes to be the best in the world at something. To be so competitive that you will put yourself through the hardest race on the planet and win it SEVEN times, while lying, and rotating dirty blood with clean blood and all the crazy stuff Lance had to do to always pass his drug tests and deny it for over ten years is that YOU CAN’T TURN IT OFF. That dude is an asshole. He convinced himself that because of his recovery from his cancer that he was just leveling the playing field by taking drugs. We always talk about how special you have to be to be a Michael Jordan, a Tiger Woods, a Kobe Bryant, a Brett Favre. We’re talking about indisputable, first ballot hall of famers, these guys are narcissistic jerks across the board. I guess you have to be. But seriously, you have to be a real dick to get away with winning the biggest race in your sport when you’re cheating and do it SIX MORE TIMES.

Damn Lance. You didn’t want to get two or three and shut it down? You really couldn’t stop before you were the most dominant athlete on the planet? They probably would have let you keep two yellow jerseys, but they weren’t gonna let you keep 7 of them.

I blame Floyd Landis. Lance had the best “I’m not on steroids” game of all time. There was nothing that could be pinned on him for the better part of a decade. Floyd Landis wins ONE Tour De France and he gets pinned before he could cross back over the Seine river and get out of the country.

Here’s my new rule. All athletes are on SOMETHING. Athletes stay on the cutting edge.  Everyone at my gym is looking for an edge. Protein, creatine, weed, liquor, whatever. If it alters you for the better, they are on it. I stay hopped up on a custom cocktail of green tea, Hendrick’s Gin and Twerk Team videos. It gives me a real edge in this blog game.

Lance Armstong managed to apologize to the entire world while still coming off like he’d probably do it again. He’s like every other horrible bike dude that all of us have to deal with every day. That guy who wants to run stop lights. Who wants to be fully in a car lane like he’s actually a car. The guy who takes his seat off of his bike because he doesn’t want anyone to steal his sweet gel saddle…on steroids…literally.

This is cutting off abruptly because no one actually gives a damn about cycling. My bad.



Barry Bonds Looks a Little Different

I think that’s it. Yeah I think he’s been working out. I can’t quite place it. Maybe you can help me out. Let’s take a look. Here’s the Barry Bonds we all know.

He’s a big boy. Head the size of the astrodome itself. Arms the size of the legs of other grown men. This is the Barry Bonds that was launching baseballs into McCovey Cove for a decade. This week, Barry decided to go for a bike ride and this is what we got instead.

Say what, now? Is that Barry Bonds or the dude from the Red Stripe commercial? Boo steroids, Hooray Beer! Unless that dude is the size of Triple H, and I’m pretty sure he’s not, Barry seems to have lost a few pounds. While I don’t doubt that he has a great eye, quick hands, and the power to send it out of the park every once in a while…that looks like warning track power to me. Maybe some of those other guys have slimmed down too.

Let’s see, Roger Clemens was just in court and has was supposedly on that juice, maybe he’s slimmed down too.

Damn, Rocket! You still on that stuff? You trying to get out there again? You look like you might be shooting up under that suit jacket right now. What about Mark McGwire?

You know what? I’m not even going to pull up a recent picture of him. That dude was so big I think it might actually be impossible for him to lose weight. No one expects the Incredible Hulk to slim down unless he turns into Bruce Banner, so unless someone tells me Mark McGwire was hit by gamma rays in the mid 90’s and he’s really a skinny dude named Marty McIntyre who has just been angry for the last 20 years, I’m just going to keep assuming that Mark McGwire is still the same size.

Here’s my question though. Does the fact that Barry Bonds is skinny now mean he is more guilty or less guilty of being on the roids? If two guys stayed big and one guy went back to skinny, base stealing, Pittsburgh Pirates Barry Bonds, who was really on the stuff. Different results means different  approaches, right?

I’m not going to lie, I’m a little shook by that picture. Barry looks about 190 in that pic. When he played, he was a good 230. If anyone knows what happened to the rest of Barry Bonds, hit me up.


Manny Up Monday: Manny Ramirez

Baseball season is back and we’ve already got our first big story. Manny Ramirez who was with the Dodgers last year and ended up with the Tampa Bay Rays this year abruptly retired a few days ago. Sure, there are guys like Barry Sanders who retire before their prime. There are guys like Barry Bonds who retire because no one actually pics them up for their team anymore. But Manny just disappeared 6 games into the season. Manny why did you do it?

We know why he did it, and this is the worst way to go out ever. For those who don’t know, Manny Ramirez got suspended for 50 games last season because he was on that stuff. I don’t feel bad for the fact that Manny felt like he had to do steroids. I feel bad for the fact that the dude did steroids and still looked like he worked out when he was jogging out to left field.

Let’s compare shall we? Mark McGwire looked like the incredible hulk.

Dude’s forearms were the same size as his neck. We don’t need to say much more.

Barry Bonds is STILL trying to defend himself for taking ‘roids. His head got all swollen, but at least he looked like an athlete.

Manny on the other hand?

He looks like he just found out there are some ribs back in the clubhouse and wants to take his gloves off so he doesn’t get barbecue sauce on his bat. The guy got caught LAST SEASON. Fully caught. Served a long suspension. Knew that he was on the watch list. Knew he didn’t have his game together so he wouldn’t get caught. Manny has his own personal approach to cheating. Catch me once, shame on me. Catch me twice, I’ve got to be the biggest dumbass on the face of the planet.

I don’t know what Manny was trying to accomplish this season, but he apparently didn’t have too much left in the tank because the 100 game suspension he was about to serve sounded like too much for Manny. Especially when he was like 1 for 18 this season so far. I guess the wait wasn’t going to be worth it. Manny thinks he can just close his eyes and pretend it didn’t happen. We all know we are going to get all the ugly details about his drug use in a few weeks.

The best part of all of this. A few weeks ago ESPN was running sport Science talking about how Manny is rededicated to the game, how he is working out harder ever than before, how he is in the best shape of his life and working on core training. I’m talking about trainer interviews and everything. Manny stretching, doing some yoga, core drills, all kinds of new age B.S. I’m pretty sure the trainer who was on TV talking all that junk feels like a complete asshole right now.

Manny has literally committed a Man Up Moment. This might be the most applicable Man Up ever. This dude literally quit on his team after he got caught cheating. A cheater and a quitter all at once. I might have to permanently change this to Manny Up Monday after this one.

Manny Ramirez…Man Up!


Mark McGwire Was On That Stuff…REALLY?

The great thing about the inevitable is that it is guaranteed to happen eventually.  Yesterday, just a few days after earning only 22% of Hall of Fame votes, Mark McGwire decided it was time to finally come clean on using steroids.


I remember when McGwire was playing and thinking the dudes forearms looked like most peoples legs.  I thought that looked a little unnatural.  The crazy thing is, I don’t think McGwire was on that sexy Balco-level steroids.  No cream or clear for him, Mark McGwire was on that old school horse steroid.  I mean the dude was HUGE.  His neck and head were the same size.  His hands make him look like the Incredible Hulk wearing baby gloves.  Come on, the dude just wasn’t built like that when he was in Oakland.


No where close.  Jose Canseco is an actual snitch by the way.  Jose was clearly on that stuff even way back here.  His jaw is starting to blow up already.  But when you are using the juice and use it with a teammate, it is pretty shitty to turn around and sell them out because you have already ruined your career doing celebrity boxing and the Surreal Life.  Just because you don’t respect yourself doesn’t mean you need to take everyone else down.  Andre Dawson just entered the Hall of Fame by himself. I think we are about to see a lot of this.  All the dudes who came through in the ‘roids era are eligible for the Hall of Fame right now.  The voters have always been assholes to people who are legit, they might never let in one of the dudes who did steroids, I think ARod probably has the best chance.  And we’re just talking about the great players.  Let’s not talk about the dudes who were just big as hell who aren’t the ones who broke every record in baseball.

Let’s do a quick review of the big players.


Sammy Sosa forgot how to speak English and has tried to change his identity by becoming a white man.


Palmeiro said he didn’t do it, then got caught lying.  I guess the only dude in baseball who didn’t do Steroids in the late ’90’s was Barry Bonds.


He’s still clean, right?  He’s the only guy who won’t admit it.  Maybe Barry will just go hard and say “damn right I did it, I also saved baseball, broke half the hitting records in the sport, was the most dangerous man to step to the plate for 6 years, AND Bud Selig KNEW and didn’t stop cashing those damn checks and the only reason you have a sport to vote on for the Hall of Fame is because Sammy, Mark and I saved this sport from going the way of hockey and almost tapping out completely.”

You think Bud Selig wanted to be playing games on Outdoor Network and Versus?  I don’t think so.  Bud wanted to keep it all rolling.  Maybe he’ll talk about it in his book in 10 years, but Bud Selig needs to tell the voters that they all knew, they weren’t testing and the needed it.  The hypocrisy is actually amazing to me.  That doesn’t mean they should have cheated.  This is a sport, and it isn’t right, and it is the athlete’s responsibility to decide to play fair. But when the league say it happening and didn’t stop it, and let 4 or 5 guys take a run at the biggest records in baseball, everyone saw that they had to step their game up or be left behind.  If the league stopped it early it would have been fine, but they didn’t and here we are.

Let Pete Rose in too while you’re at it.


He got a big ass head the old fashioned way…he got fat.


Pac Man Up Monday: Manny Pacquiao

Now see, this is why I’ve almost completely abandoned boxing.  I understand that it might be a good thing for every fighter to be able to call their own shots.  I understand that the fighters need to negotiate terms to protect themselves,  I understand there are about 30 different weight classes in boxing, but I hate it when I get cheated out of a great fight because of boxing politics.  I have an opinion about the person who is supposed to be the baddest man on the planet, especially the baddest boxer on the planet.  You’ve got to take the fight.  Manny Pacquiao is supposed to be the best pound for pound fighter on the planet.  I’ve heard Pacman fans say that Pacquiao can and will beat Floyd Mayweather (they are wrong) and Manny has about 10 belts.


But for some reason they can’t get together to get the fight on the books.  Manny is talking about the principalities of getting his blood drawn for banned substance testing within 30 days of the fights.  I don’t know if it is superstition, or if Manny loses his warrior spirit through his blood.  He would agree to the urine testing, I guess he’s got his Whizzinator game tight.  It is hard to accuse a man who only weighs 140 pounds of being on that juice, but I doth think the gentleman protests too much.  We’re talking about the biggest drawing fight of all time and the only fight anyone wants to see right now. (Other than my boy Money J who will watch a one armed man box a kangaroo, but he just loves the sweet science).  C’mon Pacquiao, I know you like to keep it cut up, but either give us a legit reason for not wanting to get your blood drawn, or submit to the tests.  Everyone knows you are the baddest dude shorter than most women in the world.


Those little weight in draws aren’t helping your argument here homey.  I know the Mayweather family is a pain in the ass to deal with, I know you don’t like them running their mouth and questioning whether or not you cheat, but let me assure you that not fighting Floyd isn’t going to stop them from running their mouths.  The Mayweather boys know this is the biggest money fight out there.  There really isn’t anyone else for Floyd to fight, and you know Floyd likes his money.


What else is he going to do?  Embarrass Sugar Shane?  Nah.  Beat up some other relative nobody in another “tune up fight”?  Doesn’t make much sense.  So Manny, stop crying, Man Up and make this fight happen.  The world needs this one.


I’m still bitter I didn’t get my Mike Tyson in his prime vs. Holyfield fight.  That was going to be epic in 1990, in 1996…not so much.

Manny Pacquiao…Man Up!


Steroids Are One Hell Of A Drug: Sammy Sosa Finds New Side Effects

I’ve been out of the mix this weekend, but when I started bumping around the internet I found out that Sammy Sosa went to the Latin Grammy’s this weekend.  You remember Sammy don’t you?  He was one of the top homerun sluggers during the Balco era of baseball stats.


I’m not gonna lie, I saw Sammy during the All-Star Game in Atlanta during the Home Run Derby, and the dude was hitting straight lasers into the upper deck.  We know steroids can give you a big head, heart problems, and bad acne, but Sammy has found a new side effect.


That’s right, Sammy is turning into a white man.  Yes, that is him, peep the lips and that lazy smile.  Ol girl might be giving the mad face, but she knows Sammy doesn’t look right.


Sammy says he is undergoing a “skin rejuvination” treatment.  Is he trying to rejuvinate himself out of 400 years of oppression and social discrimination?  What kind of treatment makes the inside of your ears and your scalp lighter?  Did it also straighten his hair so he could drop that part in there and did it put those green contacts in his eyes?  Is that ol girl’s smile, or does she just have a permanent “didn’t get it” face?  I mean Sammy used to be a brother.


Curly hair, brown eyes, Sammy was a good looking guy, he didn’t need to go Lil Kim on em to get some love.  I know Sammy used to say that Mark McGwire was the man in the United States and that he was the man in the Dominican Republic, but now he is walking around just looking like The Man.  And there is no point in following up with Sammy to find out what is actually going on.  You know he’s not gonna tell you.  He lied about corking his bat.  He lied about the roids.  You know he’s lying about his skin bleach.


He’ll either act like he doesn’t think there is any difference, or like his English isn’t strong enough to understand your question.  If this is just a side effect of your treatment, I feel like it is just time to stay at the crib in the Dominican Republic until your tan comes back.

Sammy Sosa…Tan Up!


Kurt Angle: Intensity, Integrity, Intelligence…and Injections

Damn homey.  In he WWE you were the maaaaaaaan homey, what happened to you?


Kurt Angle is an Olympic Gold Medalist wrestler from 1996, a former WWE Champion, and the current champ of TNA Wrestling.  He’s actually a pretty entertaining guy and a great pro wrestler.  Well, Mr. 3I’s just got popped for having Human Growth Hormone in his car.  How do you have a cop find out that you have the roids in the ride?  Apparently by stalking your girlfriend outside of a coffee shop at 7am on a Sunday.


Come on homey.  If you are going to commit a crime and violate a fresh new Personal Protection Order, you might want to clear all the contraband out of the ride.  What kind of woman was he going through all of this for?


Great.  Kurt likes the sisters.  Hey, no wonder the boy went crazy.  Ol’ Rhaka Khan here must have put it on him.  Nah, she’s not a stripper (maybe) she’s a professional wrestler.  I’m gonna have to give Kurt a big iiiiiiiontknow on this one though.  I’m gonna have to get angle 2 on this one.


Nah, that ain’t right.  Is that Mr. Ass?  While I’m at it, why is the TNA running the straight WWE from 1999?  You should see this roster.  World Champ: Kurt Angle, Legends Champ: Mick Foley, Tag Team: Scott Steiner and Booker T?  I think they are running Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant on the next Pay Per View.  Road Dog Jesse James, Stevie Richards, Big Kevin Nash, Jeff Jarrett, Sting, Rhino, The Dudley Boys, Taz.  That is crazy.

Damn Kurt.  You know they are gonna want to talk to you about 1996 right?  Tough.


Man Up Monday: Sammy Sosa

Sammy Sosa must be a comedian now.  He was interviewed last week and dropped two hilarious jokes.


First, he said that he is thinking about retiring this year.  Uhhhhhh, player.  Your ass was forced into retirement back in 1997 when the O’s stopped playing you.  When you aren’t playing ball and ou will never play again…you’re retired.  Second, he was talking about how excited he was to be a future inductee into the hall of fame.


Even Mark McGwire didn’t get that one.

Come on homey.  I know you played dumb when you were testifying in from of congress, but don’t act like you haven’t seen what is going on the last few years.  Sure, no one has whipped out the smoking syringe on you, but there were three guys blasting balls out of the park in the roids era.  McGwire, Bonds, and you.  You think everyone doesn’t think you were on that stuff?  Don’t make em smoke you out acting like you didn’t do it.

Do we need to go to the classic side by side pic?


I will say this.  I went to the All Star game in ATL back in 2000.  Sosa was in the derby and was hitting literal lazers into the upper deck.  No loft, no nothing.  Just straight lines banging off of everything.  He was a beast.  Let’s not forget the obvious time he was caught cheating.


Come on Sosa, I know you’ve got 600 Home Runs, I know you had some crazy seasons.  Sure, you were one of the guys who saved baseball, but damn homey.  You’re not going to be a first ballot guy.  Time for you to man up and face reality on that one homey.  Unless they open an asterisk wing of the hall of fame, you might not see that Hall bruh.  Sorry to be the one to break it to ya. You could always Man all the way Up and just admit you did it.

Sammy Sosa.  Man Up!