Brock & Lake take on the world...
Because who in their right mind would buy this shirt?
Because it is a $25 t-shirt that just says “The” on it.
Your answer is that they are smart because you are essentially walking around with a game of Wheel of Fortune on your chest.
Your answer is that they are dumb because, as I believe I mentioned before, it is just a shirt with the word “The” on it.
-Brock
Dear Golf:
We’ve put up with your silly sport for long enough. No measure of “tradition” is going to convince me otherwise. No matter how you try to defend a sport that claims to be built on decorum and being a gentleman, but still allows clothes like this. No matter how many old dudes and business men you’ve convinced into thinking they are legitimately participating in a sport by riding a cart around a park for four hours, I’m finally going to call B.S. on the whole tragishamockery. Golf exposed itself this weekend at the Masters and we need to discuss it. [Read more...]
I was still getting my second half nachos tight when I came back and heard the lights were out at the Super Bowl. My first thought was this:
Then I remembered that Shawn Merriman was only good for about 3 seasons, was probably on that stuff for all of this decent years and hasn’t been relevant for a good 4 seasons. So he couldn’t have been the one who turned the lights out. Then I remembered it was in New Orleans. You know there were a good 30 seconds where everyone in the Super Dome thought it was either Katrina Part 2, or some wildness about to go down. I know the Super Bowl snipers were ready. Don’t sleep, there is someone hidden up there somewhere waiting to take someone out if they detected a threat.
For guys who make a living talking on television, the commentators sure as hell didn’t know how to fill the 30 minute gape caused by the blackout, that was some of the worst tv I’ve ever seen. How many times did they try to tell us how long it takes a fluorescent light back on? Great reporting fellas.
Finally they said it was a power surge. Well, I know who is responsible for that.
Maybe we should talk to the chick who danced on top of a 40 foot wide LED screen for 20 minutes. I think she might have had something to do with it. She’s got Destiny’s children exploding all up out of the stage. She’s dancing with multiple versions of herself. Beyonce blew up the Super Bowl. If you are going to give us 6 years of old musical acts because of Janet Jackson’s boob, maybe we can ease off on the crazy displays during the halftime shows for the next few years. After all, we are here for a football game. I like a Beyonce concert as much as the next guy, but I’m here for the game.
Of course, there is also the game inside of the game. Like the horrible play of the Niners special teams that made Jim Harbaugh do this.
In real time that looked like a really legit tantrum, but every time you look at it on a loop it gets worse and worse. What’s that big loopy thing he’s doing with his arms? Is that a dismount? I like how he goes right hand, left hand, both hands, but he really doesn’t get any velocity on those two laminated sheets of paper. Those khaki pants aren’t doing him any favors either. He should have saved that anger for the last play of the fourth quarter when there was a no call on holding…because that was clearly holding.
Am I the only one who actually needed more shots of Ray Lewis crying? Yeah? Just me? Lucky I keep a few handy.
I’m just glad they didn’t give Ray the MVP s a parting gift. They barely mentioned his name after the game started. I forgot he was out there for a second. Luckily, he will be right at a desk on ESPN the second football is back next season. I look forward to it. Yes I’m being sarcastic. Oh well, it’s another 7 months until football comes back. I guess I’ll kinda watch basketball until March Madness and the NBA playoffs, then ignore sports until next September. That plan has always worked well for me before.
-Brock
I think I lost all interest in the Bowl games this year. I think it might have been somewhere between the Beef O’Brady’s bowl (That’s sadly a real thing. And I’m sure they spent a lot of money for me not to give a damn what a Beef O’Brady’s is.) and the two piece Spicy chicken extra hot sauce on the side bowl. (Which is not a real thing, but should be. Ragin Cajuns of Louisiana-Lafeyette vs. the Gamecocks of South Carolina…everybody wins.) But this National Championship was a complete debacle.
I fell for it too. The undefeated record. The gold helmets. I really convinced myself that Notre Dame was going to be able to stay on the field with a damn semi-pro team. Notre Dame was good when again? Late ’90′s? And they are STILL getting national attention off of that. Despite the fact they pick and choose their own schedule every year and like to keep it close. They could have easily lost to Michigan, Stanford and obviously Pitt. I give them credit for winning those games (and hope I’m not making the same argument about my Falcons this Monday) but did anyone think it was going to actually be a game after Alabama scored three minutes into that game? I know…I know…you can’t panic. I know Notre Dame just wanted to get out there and run the scripted plays they have been practicing for the last month and a half. (Yeah they got a long time off because they have no Championship game because they HAVE NO CONFERENCE.) Too bad it was already too late. The Alabama-Georgia game for the SEC Championship was better, WAY BETTER. It’s sad.
There was only one dude who thought Notre Dame still had a chance to win when they were down 28-0 at the half. Lou Holtz.
He also predicted they were going to win back in 2007 when they went 3-9. I’m sure he thought Notre Dame just wanted to wear down the Alabama offense by keeping them out on the field for the entire first half. Which, why doesn’t anyone ever point that out. They are always saying the defense gets worn down, but there were a lot of Alabama players making a lot of long runs yesterday. It’s hard to put up 320 yards in a half.
The only highlight of the night was everyone getting introduces to Katherine Webb. Alabama Quarterback AJ McCarron’s girlfriend and 2012 Miss Alabama.
She went full on girl next door status in a jersey and just enough makeup to look like she doesn’t REALLY care about it, but looks good as hell on camera. She picked up a clean 100K twitter followers last night after Brent Musburger talked for a good minute about how Quarterbacks get all the good tail on a nationally televised Championship game. Dude really didn’t want to let it go. He essentially advised young men to make sure they concentrated on their footwork and follow through if they want to pick up a Miss Alabama of their own. Of course once #TeamUs picked up the fact she was Miss Alabama, they mentioned it guaranteed there were pictures of her in a bikini on the internet.
And there is. #TeamUs also said I should but the interns on determining her position on the WGTS. But we know the answer to that question from the picture above, don’t we? Not as many as you would think, but enough for govt. work. AJ better watch his back though. I’m sure she’s content to hook her hitch to the two time National Champion quarterback for now, but he better learn how to play some damn good defense, otherwise there are a lot of dudes who are already in the league who put Katherine on their personal watch list last night. Including LeBron James who learned that he needs to be a little slicker about who he follows on Twitter. Caught you bro.
I’m happy the BCS is going to the playoff system because Notre Dame did not belong on the same field as Alabama last night. no one wants a national championship game that is over at the end of the first quarter. It’s crazy when a game is a blowout at 42-14 and the GAME WAS NOT THAT CLOSE. It could have easily been 60-0.
I know Notre Dame is a little upset right now. But don’t worry, for some reason people automatically give you guys the benefit of the doubt, so you will be able to ride at least a good 8 years off of this National Title appearance. So that should hold your candy arses for a few years. At least Notre Dame stopped the “wearin o’ the green”. That was turrible.
-Brock
Andrew Bynum is one of the enigmas of the NBA. Proof that those extra 4 inches between 6’8″ and 7’0″ buy you a lot of slack. I never trusted Bynum on the Lakers. The dude seemed to show up when he wanted to and has a strong sense of entitlement based on his assumption people really need him. I usually don’t complain about him, but the dude has taken it way too far. Have you seen him this season? He’s gone into pure clown mode.
This pic is one of my favorites. It’s like he was confident when he was looking at himself in the mirror at the crib, but got to the arena and figured out he might not really be as smooth as he thought. But let’s go back to the many stages of Andrew Bynum’s ridiculous fro.
Stage 1: I think I might grow my joint out, it’s gonna be tight.
Stage 2: This joint is getting kinda long, those dudes over there talking shit?
Stage 3: Does it look bad? Take a picture of me. Let me see that…
Stage 4: I’m not so sure about this anymore.
Stage 5: You know what, I don’t feel so good about this anymore at all. Does anyone know a barber who could tighten me up at halftime?
I’ll even drop a curl in it like this Drew Gooden/Al B. Sure/Key & Peele looking brother to my left. What’s that? Yeah, this jacket IS velvet, thanks for noticing.
With all of that trouble, we here at Us Versus Them had to try to prevent this from happening. So here is what we decided to do. We built a time machine, then went back in time eighteen months to show 2011 Andrew Bynum what his hair looks like today. It wasn’t pretty.
The kid could barely look. But if it worked, Andrew’s hair will never get long. We will have changed the present. Some may say this isn’t the best use of a time machine, but it feels important to me. Like like a Looper agent, hired by myself to destroy everything that assaults my personal sensibilities. Finally, we had to ask Andrew what the hell he was thinking when he made this choice. Even he didn’t know.
So there you have it. Andrew Bynum doesn’t even like himself. Here’s the real problem, Bynum was kinda a dick when the Lakers were on their way to a Championship ring, wait until the Sixers are 10 games below .500. Then dude’s attitude is gonna really be shitty. He might go ahead and add a Rick Ross beard to that ridiculous fro. My bad, Cornell West already has that territory covered.
Andrew Bynum…don’t become Cornell West. Get it together.
-Brock
I know 99% of you don’t care about this, but the UvT Fantasy Football league has a draft Saturday at noon ET (which I just realized is waaaaay too f’n early for me on a Saturday out here in Cali, but I’m a man of the people.) So it is fantasy football season, so you know what that means…a little bit of my turrible photoshop work.
I will say, this is the best, worst, photoshop I’ve ever done. I like it. I am prepared to have the worst draft ever this year. I haven’t read a magazine, set a draft strategy, watched preseason highlights, nada. I’m about to be don’t know who is injured dude. I’m about to be didn’t know that guy was traded and is now fourth on the depth chart on a shitty team dude. I know I’m “who are the elite running backs” dude. Because I have no idea.
I’m glad we’re only playing for a t-shirt that doesn’t exist. whew.
So let’s run some classic fantasy football posts. Here is the updated version of everything you need to know about Fantasy Football. Here are some classic Fantasy Football guys.
Last Year’s Champ: Being the champ is the reason you play Fantasy Football. Not only to you get loot if you are in a pay league, but you get to talk shit right up until that final league championship game is played. Fantasy Football is a little skill, a lot of paying attention, and a little bit of luck. On the slim chance you get there, milk it.
I still talk about the championship I won a few years ago. I bought myself a belt and never passed it on. I gotta get back to the top.
Not Prepared Guy: This is the asshole that shows up with a list with the top 50 players on it, some pocket lint, a pack of twizzlers and no fuckin clue what he is doing. You gotta love and hate this guy. You love him because it means he’s going to clear out some bullshit players and you are going to come up on some cats you might not have had a shot on. Then you hate him because he ends up trying to jack your resources once he realizes he doesn’t know anyone who plays football other than Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Aaron Rogers, and Arian Foster.
Home Team Guy: This cat has a big slant toward his home team no matter what. Just because he’s from New Orleans, he’s grabbing the Saints D and doesn’t care that half the players are suspended, Drew Brees, he’s calling Sean Peyton at home to see if he can get some draft help. First of all, this is a horrible strategy move. You’ve got to spread all the points out a little bit. You want to screw this guy up? Draft his players and make him overpay you to get them back.
Best Player Available Guy: You always feel bad for this dude. There is always one cat drafting in a position where he never really gets to player he wants so he ends up settling for a player that isn’t quite as good. Then suddenly he looks up and his entire squad ain’t shit. Like I’m drafting 7th this year. I think I’m just about in that spot. He wants Tom Brady and gets Jay Cutler. He’s gunning for Arian Foster, but is stuck with taking Frank Gore. This guy actually knows what he’s doing, he just can’t catch a break.
The “Is Aaron Rodgers Available?” in the fifth round Guy: No. No he’s not.
2010 All-Star team guy: This is the cat who is semi-prepared but always falls for the big name. Sometimes this guy goes completely off the deep end and takes a dude who might not make a roster. He ends up taking cats who were hot two years ago. Here’s some free advice for this guy, T.O., Chad Johnson, and Plaxico Burress are not in the league anymore. You’re welcome.
Trades too much guy: This guy gets to the regular season and apparently thinks you score points by the number of adds and drops he makes over the course of the season. It’s annoying. It keeps everyone on the waiver wire for no good reason. It is also annoying as hell.
Overprepared Guy: This dude is running algorithms and peeping bye weeks for the entire 15 rounds. Listen player, it’s round 13. It isn’t going to make or break you if you are going to pick up your handcuff RB or a shitty backup TE mmmkay? Just pick. You aren’t a damn clairvoyant, and fantasy football is 50% luck and alchemy anyway. Just order another beer and have a good time. Thanks. (I’m totally this guy by the way)
Always Messing Up Guy: This dude is the one who blows up the draft. He ends up taking the auto-pick player. His internet connection isn’t right, He didn’t number or mark his draft sheets so once the get shuffled, he can’t get right. It’s all bad.
Doesn’t Pay Guy: I just found out my entire league was full of these guys. Apparently my league of 12 grown men couldn’t get themselves together to pay. Gotta hate this guy. We are just a few friends having fun, the money makes it interesting. The worst version of this guy is the one who won’t pay because he finds out he has a bad draft position. The funny thing about “doesn’t pay guy” is that if his season actually goes well, he wants you to hit him with that cash from the league immediately.
Not as Good as the Thinks He is Guy: Hey, stop talking about how Bill Belichick won’t punch it in with his starting running backs when he is up big. That is not why you lost the game. You lost because you suck at this. Sure, everyone gets lucky every once in a while and can ride a breakout player to some wins, but for you, you are trying to make an exception look like the rule. This guy is also probably one of the other guys above and has no idea what he’s doing.
Finally, some general fantasy tips.
Remember the biggest rule of fantasy. You can’t win on draft day, but you can sure as hell lose on draft day. Good luck out there everyone.
-Brock
Augusta National is making history this week. I grew up in Atlanta, and every once in a while, I need a reminder that the rest of Georgia is still a little different.
The place still even looks a little plantation-ish. But Augusta national really stepped up this week and finally admitted women into their club. Not just any women, they went with Condoleezza (IS THAT REALLY HOW THAT IS SPELLED? DAMN!) Rice and Darla Moore. Before I go any further, congrats to both ladies it was a long time coming.
Now that is out of the way…
Moore is a partner with Rainwater, Inc…so she’s rich. And has been rich. According to Wikipedia, she lives on an *Ahem*, and I’m quoting here, plantation in Lake City South Carolina that has been in her family for six generations. Slavery ended in 1865, so according to my math, her family probably got a solid two generations of good ol South Carolina slavery in before they had to give it up. Uhhhh, congrats?
Then there is Condoleezza. I mean damn, the first women had to be ex secretary of state to make the cut? How high is this bar? I hear the rest of the short list was the Queen of England, Mother Theresa, Cleopatra, Amelia Earhart and Sally Ride. Why are these standards so damn high? I know the club is exclusive, but you also know some of these jokers made the cut.
If you’re a guy, you don’t have to be one of the most important people in the history of the earth to get a round of golf in. I wonder if they have fully built out the women’s locker room for those two, or if they just added a few benches and lockers to the ladies room. I wouldn’t put it past them.
Why are we celebrating this again? Does this just prove that if you are really persistent about being an asshole you can actually get rewarded for it when you finally stop being an asshole? If you just hold out on something sexist long enough you can celebrate as soon as you catch up with the rest of society?
Are there still places where black people aren’t allowed because I want to go there and get a little news coverage. Seriously, if someone knows about a cheesesteak spot in Philly that has never served a sandwich to a black dude, I’ll gladly come on out and break the color and deliciousness barrier. I’m here for history.
-Brock
The Olympics are finally over and it will be another four years before we get anymore Olympic goodness. (Because, come on, we all know the Winter Olympics don’t count.
I had to get one more Olympic post in before I was done though. I should have known London was going to be freaky when the early rumors were the logo was Lisa Simpson getting it in.
Apparently, the Olympics are all about sex. It all started 8 years ago in Athens where they supplied the Olympic village with 80,000 condoms, there are about 10,000 athletes admitted to participate in the Olympic Games. That was 8 condoms per athlete over a two week period. Not a bad two weeks.
They ran out.
So this year they brought in 150,000 condoms. That’s 15 per person. In the Olympic Village. I know these athletes are rock stars for two weeks, but that is a LOT of sex. That’s every day for two weeks with a double session on the day of your choice. Let’s assume that some Olympians hook up with other Olympians. That means they get it in 30 times. Then there are people we can just rule out. Half the gymnasts are under 18, that’s gotta be illegal in most countries. Lolo Jones isn’t using her 15 condoms, so those go back in the pool, but we have to offset that with the fact that members of the US Olympic Basketball team may have actually used MORE than their personal allocation. I have to imagine Russell Westbrook put in a call or two to the Brazilian Women’s Volleyball team.
The Brazilians are fantastic champions. I can’t wait to see them defend the crown in 2016.
It just doesn’t make that much sense. There can’t be that much sex in the Olympic Village. There just can’t be. Then I realized. I broke the code. I figured it all out. I found the one sport responsible for using all the Olympic condoms.
The divers.
Tell me there is anything other than busting a nut that can make a man make a face like that? They are in those tiny little suits. I think they are strapping up between every single dive so they don’t cause any international incidents. You figure three rounds of dives, 6 dives a round, 10-12 actual diving events…I dude could run through 15-20 condoms in a single afternoon at that rate.
Mystery solved.
I’m just hoping the same isn’t true for Olympic Wrestling.
I’m gonna let someone else do the investigation on that one though.
-Brock
