Mark Sanchez – Instagram Video Claims its First Victim!

Everyone wanted to celebrate when Instagram came out with video a few weeks ago. Sure, we’ve had cameras and video on our phone for years, but there is something about flipping out those quick videos on your phone that just doesn’t seem right. You’re telling me I could ill advisedly help a young lady’s 21st birthday special in Vegas and end up in full video on the internet before the song is over? That is the worst. There’s no good reason for information to travel that quickly. [Read more...]

When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong: Chad Johnson

Chad Johnson is a funny dude. Remember five years ago when he was the most popular dude in the NFL for 10 weeks? Dude had a checklist for all of the cornerbacks he was going to burn. Remember when he changed his name to OchoCinco for his jersey number 85 even though Ochocinco does not mean 85? Or when he actually used to be fast enough to run past cornerbacks and actually get open? Those were good times. Unfortunately those times are long, long ago because Chad can’t really seem to hold it together anymore. [Read more...]

What Happens When You Introduce a Black Child to NASCAR Too Early

It ain’t pretty. [Read more...]

Does This Mean Ohio State Fans Are Smart…Or Really Dumb?

Because who in their right mind would buy this shirt?

Screen Shot 2013-03-15 at 4.59.57 PM

Because it is a $25 t-shirt that just says “The” on it.

Your answer is that they are smart because you are essentially walking around with a game of Wheel of Fortune on your chest.

Your answer is that they are dumb because, as I believe I mentioned before, it is just a shirt with the word “The” on it.

-Brock

 

Man Up Monday: Golf

Dear Golf:

We’ve put up with your silly sport for long enough. No measure of “tradition” is going to convince me otherwise. No matter how you try to defend a sport that claims to be built on decorum and being a gentleman, but still allows clothes like this. No matter how many old dudes and business men you’ve convinced into thinking they are legitimately participating in a sport by riding a cart around a park for four hours, I’m finally going to call B.S. on the whole tragishamockery. Golf exposed itself this weekend at the Masters and we need to discuss it. [Read more...]

Lights Out: Recap of the Super Bowl

I was still getting my second half nachos tight when I came back and heard the lights were out at the Super Bowl. My first thought was this:

Then I remembered that Shawn Merriman was only good for about 3 seasons, was probably on that stuff for all of this decent years and hasn’t been relevant for a good 4 seasons. So he couldn’t have been the one who turned the lights out. Then I remembered it was in New Orleans. You know there were a good 30 seconds where everyone in the Super Dome thought it was either Katrina Part 2, or some wildness about to go down. I know the Super Bowl snipers were ready. Don’t sleep, there is someone hidden up there somewhere waiting to take someone out if they detected a threat.

For guys who make a living talking on television, the commentators sure as hell didn’t know how to fill the 30 minute gape caused by the blackout, that was some of the worst tv I’ve ever seen. How many times did they try to tell us how long it takes a fluorescent light back on? Great reporting fellas.

Finally they said it was a power surge. Well, I know who is responsible for that.

Maybe we should talk to the chick who danced on top of  a 40 foot wide LED screen for 20 minutes. I think she might have had something to do with it. She’s got Destiny’s children exploding all up out of the stage. She’s dancing with multiple versions of herself. Beyonce blew up the Super Bowl. If you are going to give us 6 years of old musical acts because of Janet Jackson’s boob, maybe we can ease off on the crazy displays during the halftime shows for the next few years. After all, we are here for a football game. I like a Beyonce concert as much as the next guy, but I’m here for the game.

Of course, there is also the game inside of the game. Like the horrible play of the Niners special teams that made Jim Harbaugh do this.

In real time that looked like a really legit tantrum, but every time you look at it on a loop it gets worse and worse. What’s that big loopy thing he’s doing with his arms? Is that a dismount? I like how he goes right hand, left hand, both hands, but he really doesn’t get any velocity on those two laminated sheets of paper. Those khaki pants aren’t doing him any favors either. He should have saved that anger for the last play of the fourth quarter when there was a no call on holding…because that was clearly holding.

Am I the only one who actually needed more shots of Ray Lewis crying? Yeah? Just me? Lucky I keep a few handy.

I’m just glad they didn’t give Ray the MVP s a parting gift. They barely mentioned his name after the game started. I forgot he was out there for a second. Luckily, he will be right at a desk on ESPN the second football is back next season. I look forward to it. Yes I’m being sarcastic. Oh well, it’s another 7 months until football comes back. I guess I’ll kinda watch basketball until March Madness and the NBA playoffs, then ignore sports until next September. That plan has always worked well for me before.

-Brock

An Open Letter to the BCS and Notre Dame

I think I lost all interest in the Bowl games this year. I think it might have been somewhere between the Beef O’Brady’s bowl (That’s sadly a real thing. And I’m sure they spent a lot of money for me not to give a damn what a Beef O’Brady’s is.) and the two piece Spicy chicken extra hot sauce on the side bowl. (Which is not a real thing, but should be. Ragin Cajuns of Louisiana-Lafeyette vs. the Gamecocks of South Carolina…everybody wins.) But this National Championship was a complete debacle.

I fell for it too. The undefeated record. The gold helmets. I really convinced myself that Notre Dame was going to be able to stay on the field with a damn semi-pro team. Notre Dame was good when again? Late ’90’s? And they are STILL getting national attention off of that. Despite the fact they pick and choose their own schedule every year and like to keep it close. They could have easily lost to Michigan, Stanford and obviously Pitt. I give them credit for winning those games (and hope I’m not making the same argument about my Falcons this Monday) but did anyone think it was going to actually be a game after Alabama scored three minutes into that game? I know…I know…you can’t panic. I know Notre Dame just wanted to get out there and run the scripted plays they have been practicing for the last month and a half. (Yeah they got a long time off because they have no Championship game because they HAVE NO CONFERENCE.) Too bad it was already too late. The Alabama-Georgia game for the SEC Championship was better, WAY BETTER. It’s sad.

There was only one dude who thought Notre Dame still had a chance to win when they were down 28-0 at the half. Lou Holtz.

He also predicted they were going to win back in 2007 when they went 3-9. I’m sure he thought Notre Dame just wanted to wear down the Alabama offense by keeping them out on the field for the entire first half. Which, why doesn’t anyone ever point that out. They are always saying the defense gets worn down, but there were a lot of Alabama players making a lot of long runs yesterday. It’s hard to put up 320 yards in a half.

The only highlight of the night was everyone getting introduces to Katherine Webb. Alabama Quarterback AJ McCarron’s girlfriend and 2012 Miss Alabama.

She went full on girl next door status in a jersey and just enough makeup to look like she doesn’t REALLY care about it, but looks good as hell on camera. She picked up a clean 100K twitter followers last night after Brent Musburger talked for a good minute about how Quarterbacks get all the good tail on a nationally televised Championship game. Dude really didn’t want to let it go. He essentially advised young men to make sure they concentrated on their footwork and follow through if they want to pick up a Miss Alabama of their own. Of course once #TeamUs picked up the fact she was Miss Alabama, they mentioned it guaranteed there were pictures of her in a bikini on the internet.

And there is. #TeamUs also said I should but the interns on determining her position on the WGTS. But we know the answer to that question from the picture above, don’t we? Not as many as you would think, but enough for govt. work. AJ better watch his back though. I’m sure she’s content to hook her hitch to the two time National Champion quarterback for now, but he better learn how to play some damn good defense, otherwise there are a lot of dudes who are already in the league who put Katherine on their personal watch list last night. Including LeBron James who learned that he needs to be a little slicker about who he follows on Twitter. Caught you bro.

I’m happy the BCS is going to the playoff system because Notre Dame did not belong on the same field as Alabama last night. no one wants a national championship game that is over at the end of the first quarter. It’s crazy when a game is a blowout at 42-14 and the GAME WAS NOT THAT CLOSE. It could have easily been 60-0.

I know Notre Dame is a little upset right now. But don’t worry, for some reason people automatically give you guys the benefit of the doubt, so you will be able to ride at least a good 8 years off of this National Title appearance. So that should hold your candy arses for a few years. At least Notre Dame stopped the “wearin o’ the green”. That was turrible.

-Brock

Even Andrew Bynum Doesn’t Like Andrew Bynum

Andrew Bynum is one of the enigmas of the NBA. Proof that those extra 4 inches between 6’8″ and 7’0″ buy you a lot of slack. I never trusted Bynum on the Lakers. The dude seemed to show up when he wanted to and has a strong sense of entitlement based on his assumption people really need him. I usually don’t complain about him, but the dude has taken it way too far. Have you seen him this season? He’s gone into pure clown mode.

This pic is one of my favorites. It’s like he was confident when he was looking at himself in the mirror at the crib, but got to the arena and figured out he might  not really be as smooth as he thought. But let’s go back to the many stages of Andrew Bynum’s ridiculous fro.

Stage 1: I think I might grow my joint out, it’s gonna be tight.

Stage 2: This joint is getting kinda long, those dudes over there talking shit?

Stage 3: Does it look bad? Take a picture of me. Let me see that…

Stage 4: I’m not so sure about this anymore.

Stage 5: You know what, I don’t feel so good about this anymore at all. Does anyone know a barber who could tighten me up at halftime?

I’ll even drop a curl in it like this Drew Gooden/Al B. Sure/Key & Peele looking brother to my left. What’s that? Yeah, this jacket IS velvet, thanks for noticing.

With all of that trouble, we here at Us Versus Them had to try to prevent this from happening. So here is what we decided to do. We built a time machine, then went back in time eighteen months to show 2011 Andrew Bynum what his hair looks like today. It wasn’t pretty.

The kid could barely look. But if it worked, Andrew’s hair will never get long. We will have changed the present. Some may say this isn’t the best use of a time machine, but it feels important to me. Like like a Looper agent, hired by myself to destroy everything that assaults my personal sensibilities. Finally, we had to ask Andrew what the hell he was thinking when he made this choice. Even he didn’t know. 

So there you have it. Andrew Bynum doesn’t even like himself. Here’s the real problem, Bynum was kinda a dick when the Lakers were on their way to a Championship ring, wait until the Sixers are 10 games below .500. Then dude’s attitude is gonna really be shitty. He might go ahead and add a Rick Ross beard to that ridiculous fro. My bad, Cornell West already has that territory covered.

Andrew Bynum…don’t become Cornell West. Get it together.

-Brock