Man Up Monday: Rich Dudes Who Still Need to Do This…

Every once in a while someone comes up with the perfect business plan. For example, whoever comes up with a way to change the process of moving so it isn’t the shittiest experience in life deserves to get rich. Right now the only way to get a sleeper sofa to the third floor is to lift that bastard and climb.

Pretty people kinda have it all. They get the benefit of the doubt. People go out of their way to help them. I’ve literally seen cute chicks get on the airplane with a big ass carry on and pantomime the process of actually lifting her bag into the overhead bin. She had no intention of lifting it, she was just going to use the power of cute to enchant the men around her to do her bidding. It worked. Immediately. I know my theory is right, because when you see the power of pretty being underused. Like have you ever seen a really cute chick working at McDonald’s and thought to yourself, “what the hell ar you doing here? Don’t you know someone will hire you to do something better than this?” Or, have you ever seen a hot homeless person?

No, breakdown Britney doesn’t count. Before you think too hard, I’ll answer that for you. No, no you haven’t. Because someone will rescue hot from the streets.

So check out this business plan. has built an entire business around “beautiful people become prostitutes travel free”.

The website is just being straight up about people using their beauty as currency. Why stand in a club in Vegas waiting for some old, rich, white dude to offer to fly you to Bora Bora? You can just logon and allow them to fly you out with no actual footwork! The website literally filters these women out like a craigslist ad. Like a lineup at the Bunny Ranch. Sure, you get to travel anywhere in the world, but is it worth making that pussy payment when you get there?

I’m not even mad at it for leveraging sex as a form of payment, because that is exactly what this is. I will say this, the website is super shady about their ability to keep you safe. Here are the highlights:

  • Do not go anywhere with a stranger, especially if the person who meet you is not the one you are expecting.
  • Give your family or friends a copy of the passport and phone number of the person you are traveling with or visiting.
  • We do not perform background check on our members, so please proceed with extreme caution.

Doesn’t that sound great? Maybe no one reads the fine print on these things when a free plane ticket is involved, but damn they’re basically telling you that you might disappear.

So rich dudes sign up on this website and choose a beautiful woman to travel with them. But you have to know if a dude flies you halfway around the world, you aren’t getting a separate hotel room and you might have to pay for that ticket somehow.

Does that look like the appropriate price of a trip to Costa Rica? Or is that more of a New Zealand price tag? Look, I know rich dudes still need game. I know when you are a rich dude you really don’t have time to line up some international pimpin every time you go somewhere. But damn. Even President Obama’s secret service advance team knows how to scoop up some local talent and get em back to the hotel.

So rich dudes, come on, you already have an edge on the UvT Real Scale of 1-10. You have to do about 20% of the work the rest of us have to do and you are already willing to throw cash at a random chick to take her on vacation. That will actually work in real life too. Get out into the field and put in some time to get what you want.

Rich dudes, Man Up! You’re better than this.


Newt Gingrich Wanted an Open Marriage: Pimpin Ain’t Easy

I’m not a Republican, but these GOP primaries are getting more interesting by the day. 24 hours ago it looked like Mitt Romney was going to run away with the whole thing. He had Iowa, he had New Hampshire and was dominating South Carolina. Then today all hell broke loose.

Turns out he didn’t win Iowa, Rick Santorum did. Plus, when Yosemite Sam Rick Perry dropped out of the election, he threw his support behind Newt Gingrich and now instead of a double digit lead in SC, Mitt Romney is locked in a dead heat with Newt Gingrich.

Sounds like good news for Newt, right?


As soon as he caught a little momentum, his ex-wife (the second one, not the first one) dropped this bomb. Apparently Newt Gingrich asked for an “open marriage” right before he divorced her in 1999. It pretty much ruined Newt’s day.

Then he found out that Santa wasn’t going to let Rudolph help him deliver the Christmas presents.

Sorry, that wasn’t Newt. That was Hermie the Christmas Elf who wanted to be a dentist. I think I got thrown off by the hair. Somehow the name Hermie sounds more reasonable than Newt right now though.

I love the term “Open Marriage” because it sounds so simple. Who wouldn’t want things to be “open”? Things that are “closed” aren’t good. So open should be better. Two things about “open” when it is applied to marriage. First, you agreed to a closed marriage when you got married. That’s pretty much the definition of marriage. Second, “open marriage” is code for, “there are other women I want to have sex with.” The other parts of marriage ain’t open. Newt didn’t want to open up the marriage so he could pay two mortgages. Or double up on his life insurance. Or split his stuff THREE ways if he wanted a divorce. Or make sure more people could get back to the hospital room after visiting hours in case Newt was laid up for a few days. B-b-b-but wait it gets worse!

Newt asked for the “open marriage” in 1999, he was divorced and remarried in 2000. That’s not an open marriage, he had something very specific in mind. He could have just said, “this is Callista, I’d like to have sex with her while we are still married. That cool?” He wasn’t “open”, he wanted a the marriage contract to be specifically amended. He had a mistress and figured he might as well ask if it was cool before he blew his entire world up. It wasn’t. He bounced.

Then, inexplicably, he immediately got married again. He’s clearly into the ladies. Meanwhile, why is his second wife angry? Before wifey #3 was the side chick, she was the side chick. I’m pretty sure there is a law on the books somewhere that says that side chicks aren’t allowed to get mad when they get hit with side chick karma. You know your man cheats. He was cheating when he met you. Don’t get mad when he does it again.

So Newt, how many ladies is it going to take to keep you happy?

Just 1? You know I don’t believe that. Come on man, keep it real.

Two? That seems more like you. But I’m really asking for a total here. You’re already on 3.

Thanks for your honest Mr. Speaker. I do have to ask you. You seem to be an expert on the ladies. You have to know a lot about relationships. What is your favorite thing about women?

An ass man huh? Are you trying to get the Team Us endorsement for the election? Nice try. I’m worried you might try to ask for an open Presidency and try to run Canada at the same time.


There are Two Kinds of Infidelity in this World: Cheaters and Assholes

Arnold Schwarenegger has proved a lot this week. First, his name is still annoying as hell to spell. No one feels like putting a word that ridiculous into spell check. Second, he is apparently pulling a Tiger Woods and tapping out of his movie career to get his mind together. I’m going to assume that “Getting his mind together” means “calling the rest of my hoes so no other shit comes out.” Problem is, he has to remember all of them.

Arnold is sitting somewhere thinking really hard.

But the Arnold situation made me start thinking. All affairs are terrible. Let’s start there. You just shouldn’t do it. But when you do it, there are definitely degrees of offense. First of all it should be a stealth mission. At least make every effort to keep things a secret. Even when you are just dating you have to “respect the regions”. That means your girl has to be in another state, another social network, something. There is just no reason to do that anywhere near the crib, much less in the crib. Second, the only thing worse than making a sex tape with your side chick is making a baby with your side chick. As I said before, if you are banging a random side chick, have the common decency to strap up. Because of what you are doing, you know the brand.

But those are just the basics, the real issue is the chick. One thing Arnold proved is that sometimes you get the standard cheater, and sometimes you get a cheater with an extra topping of “asshole” and a side of “this mothaf*cka right here got me out here looking crazy.” Lake mentioned it way back in the day when we got the first Pics of John Edwards’ side chick back when her name was still Lisa Druck.

Once again, don’t cheat. But if you do, make sure your side chick is at least sexy and good looking. How mad can wifey be if you rolled up on this?

Sure. The fact that the chick looks good doesn’t make it right, but at least she knows the chick is bad and might be bringing some heat she might not have. If you’re gonna cheat, make sure you get your money’s worth. You are already dropping the atomic bomb on your relationship, just make sure you cash out for big chips.

On the other hand, and I’ve said this before. There is a way to cheat that makes you look like the worlds biggest asshole. That is the road Arnold took. When your wife is one of the most powerful women in the world and you violate all of the rules? You are a complete dick. Arnold was hitting a chick who worked in his house, pretty much a violation of respecting the regions. He didn’t strap up, and didn’t exactly pick a dime.

Now I’m not gonna say exactly where this lady falls on the UvT binary scale, but I’m pretty sure Arnold’s binary scale is calibrated slightly differently from mine.

I mean at least Eliot Spitzer got getting it wrong right.

Arnold left Maria Shriver no options. All she could to was say “are you f’n kidding me?” and bounce. There is no middle ground. Arnold having sex with that woman means he does not give a damn Maria or anyone else. Arnold is going for his. It also implies that he will have sex with anything that is available. That’s right Arnold doesn’t have a binary scale. Arnold has a Unary scale. Every woman on the face of planet earth is a 1. That is the only possible explanation for what has happened here.

So in reality, we should feel sorry for Arnold. He lives in a world with no zeros. Every day, he wants to have sex with every woman he sees. That shit has to be a real burden. He’s the victim in all of this. He has a real disease and we need to give him time to heal.

Get well soon Arnold.