Assology: Jessica Alba Needs Her Own Category

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I came across a few new pics of Jessica Alba today and realized she may now dictate an entire new species of booty. She may stand alone. Let’s start with the basics.

Why don’t people talk about Jessica Alba anymore? She’s still one of the baddest chicks out here. She’s two kids in and is still out here bringing the heat. She’s somehow slim and thick at the same time. I don’t know how she does it. The front is great, the back is even better.

See? She’s a really small girl. Tiny even. But she’s still got that perfect tail piece. I know that is great, but this last shot is the game changer. You know it has to be that angle 2. I need you all to prepare yourselves. You’ve never seen anything like this.

Are you ready?

What’s going on? Everything tells me this should be a fail tail. The back is all tucked in, the legs are all slimmed out, she’s not even arching her back, but that tail is popping with full plump crease and cheek definition. What should we name this new species? Too Big to Fail Tail? Ingrown Booty? The Under-Thundertuck?

I can’t call it, but enjoy.

-Brock

The Many Kinds of Sex

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I can’t speak for the ladies out there, but guys think about sex all the time.  Ladies, if you also think about sex all the time, please feel free to let us know in the comments. Please. But while guys think about sex all the time, we must recognize there are many kinds of sex.

I’m not talking about positions. Let’s just get right to it, shall we?

Before we even get to sex, we have to cover all of the things that lead up to sex.  My personal favorite is hunching.  You have having sex with all your clothes on.  A teenage staple.  If you can’t get some, just grind on each other with a full clothing condom.  Who needs latex when you’ve got denim?  More friction burns have been sustained in hunching incidents than can be tracked. This is also known as what is now considered dancing in high school.

Sex

First there is standard sex.  I’m not saying that it has to be boring, it just isn’t all that distinctive.  Once you’ve had sex with multiple people there are a few memorable experiences that might stand out, the rest of it is just sex.  You have sex with your girlfriend.  You had sex with that chick in college that one time.

Fuckin

Now fuckin is different.  Everyone remembers a few transcendent moments when sex somehow morphed into fuckin.  Fuckin is like your greatest hits reel.  Those times you can remember individually…that was fuckin.  If you find yourself out with “these bitches”, if you get some at the end of the night, that was fuckin.  If a woman thanks you afterwards…fuckin.

Making Love

When you get married, all of a sudden you are making love.  At least that is what your wife thinks.  Your wedding night, making love.  When she wants to have kids, making love.  You have got to get all romantic with it.  The Turquoise Jeep guys had it right, you gotta Smang it, roll with it a little bit.  But of course, if you can’t have kids the first couple of times you try it, all of a sudden you are in the clinical realm of…

Copulation

Yeah Copulation isn’t fun.

You’re on schedules, sure having sex at lunch on a Tuesday sounds sexy, but not when you’ve GOT to do it.

Insemination

Can’t handle your job.  That’s when everything gets turned over to science.

You get put on that Michael Jackson program.

Immaculate conception

If you are God you have other options.

But it only happened once.

Did you know that there is a way to have sex with anyone you want?  You can last forever and it can go exactly the way you want it to.  That’s called…

imagination masturbation

Use that one at your own risk.

-Brock

 

I Don’t Know Who Micaela Schaefer Is But…DAMN

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I haven’t seen Men In Black 3 yet, but somehow I think I could be compelled to check it out.

This is Micaela Schaefer, I think she’s in the movie. She got invited to the international premier and showed up naked. If she’s not in the movie, that’s kinda showboating. I have to imagine any woman who was actually in the movie would be pissed about it. I don’t know if that is leather or film, but you may be surprised to know she is actually wearing less than you think she is.

That dude with the camera and the press pass is now convinced that taking pictures for the local newspaper like Peter Parker. Little does he know this will be his best day of work ever. I hope he took advantage of it. He looks pretty happy though.

Seriously, you still don’t really appreciate how naked this chick is. I know it was cold as hell in the theater too. Her mom should have told her to bring a sweater or a jacket or something.

That aside, it is a historic day here at Us Versus Them. We usually go to the angle 2 to find out what a lady is really working with. Let me assure you, she’s holding Angle 2 down. But this is more than a regular angle 2, this is a simultaneous tail and J angle 2. It’s a beautiful thing.

I’m pretty sure that is so much boob it no longer qualifies as side boob. If that was only the side, the boob would actually have to go all the way around, like an orb. She’s just fully naked with her J’s out. I think this is literally the most boob you can show without it being pornographic. It’s so much more boob than you expect that if you look long enough it doesn’t even seem like a boob anymore.

Whatever is going on here, I appreciate it Micaela. I hope your part in the meeting was a fulfilling, Oscar worthy performance. Can’t wait to see it.

-Brock

 

Rihanna Even Works It on Vacation

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Rihanna might not be the best singer int he world. Rihanna might not be the best looking lady in the world. But I will tell you one thing. Rihanna has sexy down cold. You know I’ve got an example.

Rihanna goes swimming in the ocean or a lake or something. I don’t know. What does she wear to the water? A bathing suit? No. A wet suit? nah. She just rocks an extra long black wife beater. When I say ONLY. I mean ONLY. Who comes out of the house like this?

She was apparently snorkeling in search of the famous humpback whale. Are you kidding me? Shirt just-a-clinging to every curve she’s got huh? This might be the first water angle 2 we’ve ever featured here.

Now Rih-Rih is about to sey ip for an epic moment. We’re going to take it slow though.

If that was all she gave us, I’d be happy. It is just enough to let you know that Rihanna is keeping it silky smooth. But you know how she does it, she takes it one step further.

Maybe even two steps further. If you want to know what happens when I close my eyes and dream at night, you’ve just seen it. Rihanna butt naked, soaking wet, shining like she has been dipped in honey. Is she swimming in baby oil? Why is her ass so shiny? She just left the house with no draws? hI appreciate it though. The motorboat she’s letting her girl give her is just a bonus shot. I don’t even know how that went down. I like the fact there is liquor involved though.

Rihanna, I’m pretty sure there is some kind of love for you here at UvT. Keep up the good work. If that sex tape is real, I might shut down the site. My work here will be done.

-Brock

Ladies 2.0: The Internet is a Genius

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Because there are random chicks who post pictures of themselves. It is fackin brilliant. On occasion I stumble upon a real gem.

I’m pretty sure she didn’t photoshop a picture in a parking lot. But that little patch of concrete between the arm and lower back has started more wars than religion and politics. I do have a question for the ladies though.

Is that a Booty Pop? As a professional observer of such things and the worlds leading assologist, the upper tuck seems a little high and tight for this petite young lady. Doesn’t really matter though, she’s working it. Gotta love random chicks.

-Brock

Toni Braxton Has Still Got it

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Ten Years ago, Toni Braxton hit the Grammy’s dressed like this:

That was 10 years ago, and I’m not gonna lie, it was a life changing moment in my life. There isn’t much more to this post, but I’ve just got to give a quick shout out to Toni, because she is still bringing it like this.

Had to start off small first, but the interns got me a bigger shot.

There is a rumor she might be looking to hit Playboy sometime soon. I’m pretty sure we could piece together Toni naked from all of her previous pictures, but I’m not gonna talk her out of it.

-Brock

March Madnass: And the Winner Is…

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There were thousands of votes and in the end the winner won by 2 votes. Two votes. I have to assume that it went back and forth a few times there at the end as the votes stacked up.

Laura Dore put up a good fight, but in the end the ageless one, Stacey Dash brought it home.

But the winner of 2011 March Madnass is:

Stacey Dash

We called her to let her know.

She was surprised too. It was a hard fought contest with a lot of surprises, but I’ve got a list of chicks on the watch list for the next year. Stacey has the inside track for UvT Quality Chick of the Year since she won via a democratic process, but there are still 8 months of the year for some young, semi-famous young lady to drop a sex tape. Ciara, is that you? Here is one more shot of the winner.

That is about as NSFW as I can get with Ms. Dash on the front page here, but she posed for Playboy so a simple Google search will give you the full goods.

As March Madnass was going on, some of the ladies dropped some heat to let everyone on TeamUs know that they were gone too soon. So here is the UvT version of One Shining Moment without Luther Vandross.

Runner up Laura Dore has this gem that Itz dropped on us.

She definitely wins the comic book body award.

Amber Rose hit the beach with her extra thick, damn that last ham sandwich was good body.

It’s a little too much (this is the best angle), but is it all still silky smooth.

Christina Milian is going back to King Magazine where she’s holding it down for the MILF’s out there.

You know Milian will always be a favorite of Mr. Hardon. I like how they didn’t photoshop that one out too. Just enough real to keep it real.

And Rihanna went on ahead and dropped some heat for the cover of Rolling Stone.

I think Rihanna is having a wardrobe malfunction. In a good way. That hip tattoo is killer right now.

That’s it. Thanks for jumping in on March Madnass 2011. It was fun and I think we made history. We will run it back again next year and look for some real spoilers.

-Brock

 

 

 

 

UvT Quality Chicks: The Top 5

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On Wednesday we dropped the first half of the Itzdatdude top 10.  The Top 5 goes international on em.  Let’s get right to it.

Number 5: Alexis Lugo

She starts up on some ol Mortal Kombat Wu Tang. Top half of that ass looking like half a pizza.

Now see this isn’t the classy version of body paint, Alexis didn’t have time for all that.  She just splashed it on and told the cameraman to start clickin.

Now I never trust this shot.  While it certainly implies one of my favorite things in the world, this shot is more trickery than the strip club.

Number 4: Amy Lee

Wait, what, really?  Well damn.  I barely know what to say about that.  It can’t possibly get any better can it?

Damn girl.  Just like that, huh?  She’s just going to let her tail piece eat up all that gold fabric like that’s just okay with everyone.  I see how this is going to work.  She’s can’t bring more heat can she?

She’s going to break out the underboob, tail crease complete with the “this is the angle you would see if we were banging” face.  This is all too much.  She’s Number 4?

Number 3: Jesikah Maximus

Love the name, love her complete devotion to her craft. I’m not a J man, but…yeah.

Is she part mermaid? Her hips don’t actually end in legs, it ends in a gigantic fish tail.  She’s not standing in the water, she’s floating and ready to launch herself like the glorious humpback whale she is.

Angle 2?

Haven’t we run a picture of a woman suggestively riding a tree before?  Why is this so common?

Number 2: Lenora Kilz

I’m not sure what she Kilz, but I believe her.  Exotic, curvy. I like it.

Weird angle but if you concentrate, her lower leg and calf are killing it right now.

That isn’t even suggestive, she’s actually just completely naked.  I’m not even sure why there are jeans in this picture.  Are those supposed to make this okay?  Is the applique on those pockets supposed to assure us that she is not standing in front of a rusty garage buck naked?  Is some other video chick going to name herself “Imma Hurt” after seeing this picture.

Number 1: Cassie Codi

Now Itz said he laid this one on Team Us “because he knows what we like”.  I’ll let you be the judge.

Haaaaa.  The thick white woman for the win.  She’s stackin it up though.

I can’t hate.  Chick is bringing the same body that has been featured in every previous pic.  Can she bring the heat under the scrutiny of angle 2?

I guess she can.  I feel like this is all camera trickery. I’m calling spanx, lighting, photoshop, and that left hand hiding her personal secret.  She can’t represent like that in a swimsuit.

I stand corrected.  I guess she’s trying to show it is all her.  Well played Ms. Codi.

So there it is people.  The Itzdatdude top ten and a new list of chicks to keep an eye on in 2011.  Don’t say I never did anything for you.

I’m personally going with Amy Lee, but everyone has preferences.

-Brock

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