Randy Moss is a Programmatic Non-Fit

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Well Damn, I can barely keep up with this one.  Let’s give a quick recap though.  In 2007 Randy Moss made a new record for receptions in one season.  He got to the end zone 23 times.  He is second of all time in four categories, which for wide receivers is pretty much the equivalent of first place because Jerry Rice is never going to be caught.  He’s a guaranteed first ballot Hall of Famer and when you throw it up to him deep, he’s still got it.

What’s really crazy, is that he got to all of those records while being a complete asshole for about 4 of his 12 seasons.  He shut it down completely when he was in Oakland, he gave up when Brady got hurt and went out in 2008, and caused a lot of trouble in Minnesota before he left.  Randy pretty much has a policy that if he doesn’t like the way things are going down, he’s gonna let you know he doesn’t like the way things are going down and he’s gonna take his talents to South Beach keep his talent under wraps.  He’ll shut it down for a few plays, he’ll give up, he’ll talk shit and he’s never shy about it. Oh, and he really likes to let people know he’s rich.  Who will ever forget the “Straight Cash Homey” incident?

“When you rich, you don’t write checks”.  Does it get any better than that?  Yeah, it does…”What’s 10,000?  To me?”  I always forget that Randy has that country ass West Virginia accent too.  So Randy starts off this season by talking about how he’s upset with New England not taking care of his contract.  He must have forgot Bill Belichick is a straight gangster that takes 5 rounders and makes them champions because the Patriots decided they weren’t gonna play that shit and let him go for a third round pick.  So Randy was telling everyone to get their 84 jerseys out.

“Take the Bawl deep, take the top off the defense and “I don’t shine shoes, I don’t tape ankles, I don’t cut checks, straight cash homey” might be the best autotuned line since “hide yo kids, hide yo wife“.  I guess it wasn’t such a fun ride when Brett Favre wasn’t winning games and decided he was going to play on one leg and not throw him the ball because Randy went into his tailspin very early.  This was a real gem from earlier in the week.

Randy might need to quit football and just start doing stand up comedy. “If there’s gonna be an interview, I’m gonna conduct it.”  I’ll ask my own questions, answer my own questions and give y’all the answers.”  What does that even mean?  How did he pull that off without cracking a smile?  He was serious?  But that wasn’t what got him fired.  Saying that he thought the Patriots were a great organization after his team lost to them is not what got him fired.  He got fired because he started talking shit about some ribs.  That’s right.  He was at a post practice meal, didn’t like the menu, and proceeded to call the food shit he wouldn’t feed his dog” right in front of the proud owner.  Childress didn’t like it, and essentially dropped Randy on the spot.  Childress didn’t even tell the owner before he did it.  Randy wasn’t even in the flight back home, he needed his own wings.

They WAIVED the dude.  No trade.  No picks.  NADA.  Randy is such a big asshole it is literally worth throwing away a third round pick just to get rid of him?  That doesn’t make sense to me, or Jeff Fisher.  The Titans are next to ride the Randy Moss rollercoaster this season.  They are in the running to roll strong into the playoffs so maybe Randy will stay engaged.

I just hope he brings the interviews back.  We need Randy talking more shit.  It makes everything better.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Bitchassness in the NFL

We are six weeks into the NFL season and I can’t tell if this is the best season ever or the worst season ever.  Brady goes does and the Patriots completely suck.  So much for “hidden depth and talent all over the league”.  Matt Cassel is playing like a Rookie with a terrible team.  But hey, stuff happens.  This is Man Up Monday and it’s not about bad luck, it is about cats who aren’t handling business and this Monday we’re going to the lightning round.

Pacman Jones -

Pacman Jones has been given more second chances than a chick who can’t keep her teeth out of the way when she gives head.  Seriously.  This dude got suspended for a full year.  Had to be traded before he could pay again, he’s done every stupid thing in the book and finally ended up on the one team who doesn’t really give a damn what is going on off the field as long as they are winning on the field, the Dallas Cowboys.  So what does Pac do with all this new found opportunity?

Let’s see he’s already risked his career by making it rain in a club and inciting a riot, fighting in a strip club, wrasslin in the WWE, fighting some random cats, being in a strip club when some other random cats were fighting, so what else is there?  He got into a fight with his own body guard.  Nice.  Jerry Jones acted like they were just playing around when the cops got called.  Roger Goodell said there was a no tolerance policy for Pacman…we’ll see.  Hey Pacman, you are about to blow your career over some dumb sh*t.  Usually Man Up Monday focuses on someone just being a punk, but this time you literally need to Man UP.  Be a grown ass man, handle your business, and use your talents on Sundays and stay your ass home any other day of the week.  If you get into a fight, fight at the crib.  If you need some strippers…invite them to the crib.

Wanna break some shit?  Break your own shit.  Man Up!

Randy Moss -

Hey Randy, remember this?

Right, the good ol “split the defense” celebration.  You did that 23 times last year.  I drafted you in the second round of fantasy hoping to see a little bit more of it.   I thought you had matured into a leader.  Boy was I wrong.  Tom Brady goes down and all of a sudden it looks like you are playing in Minnesota or Oakland again.  You really do decide when and where you go hard don’t you?  Are you going to take the entire season off?  Can you let a brother know?  You know you are the best player on the field on most Sundays right?  Sure, Cassell isn’t going to deliver the ball like Brady, but you should still be able to outclass most DB’s in the league.  You don’t even look like you are trying.  Man Up and earn that paycheck.  GOTDAMMIT catch that!  Sorry, I shouldn’t be watching the game while I write this.

NFC East -

Not everyone, the Giants are rolling right now.  But the rest of you?

Anyone want to win this division?  The Cowboys had yet another tough loss…to the Cardinals.  The Skins beat the Boys and the Eagles on the road to come in strong, then dropped on to the Rams, the Eagles won today, but they are just 3-3 going into their bye week.  Someone take charge and give the Giants a run.  Someone, anyone MAN UP!

Lee Evans -

Who paid this dude?  He’s been a fantasy debacle for the last 4 years.  Screw this guy.  36 milli?  Damn.

-Brock

Cop Makes a Bust…of Deez Nuts In Ya Mouf!

Wow this is great. Cop Randy Moss (no relation…maybe?) was driving through Nashville, TN, when he makes a traffic stop on a car doing 92 in a 70. During the stop, he finds out the driver was drunk and had some illegal pills in the car…lucky for her she was also porn star Barbie Cummings. I don’t know if she identified herself, or if the cop recognized her:

Cop: “well gaaaaawl leee. If it ain’t my lucky day! Ain’t you that miss Barbie Cummings from all mah favorite video tapes?”

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Nice Mohawk Randy. Honestly, what the hell is that?

Well it looks like she had some pills in her car and Mr. Moss offered up a solution. The good ol “You get off..if I get off.” Since she is a professional (who knew porn stars were on imdb?) and this was just one more random dizzle to twizzle, she agreed. Ms. Cummings seems to specialize in the interracial side of the business, so this was probably as easy as getting down a quick hors d’ouvres when she’s used to dealing with entire sides of beef (my bad Lake, but it’s true).

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What the trooper didn’t know was that Miss Barbie also has a blog, and wrote about it. Yeah Randy, that isn’t the proper way to get ‘er done there buddy.

Actually, maybe it IS how you get ‘er done, because this cat taped it. Are you kidding me? This is crazy. Bad Cop News has all the links you could possibly want on the topic. I mean videos, still pictures, links to the blog and it is all NSFW. My goodness. I mean I didn’t go, but that’s what I hear. Um, that Barbie is putting in work too, she is well versed in her profession.  Was that a nose ring?  Is that the damn police radio in the background?!?!?  That is some BOLD sh*t right  there.  Here’s the worst part, after this story *ahem*, came out, a dozen other women came forth to say that Randy pulled the old “lick it or ticket”, just show me one t*tty, move on them too. Randy indeed!

Nice work officer!

-Brock