The Inauguration: If Mitt Romney Won…

You know Mitt Romney thought Monday was going to be different. He just knew he was going to win the election and get sworn in. I’m sure he didn’t watch any TV yesterday, because it was impossible to avoid the swearing in ceremony, the recap of all the balls, and grown people somehow thinking it was reasonable to talk about the dress Michelle Obama wore. Mitt really thought it should have been him.

So it got me thinking, what would the inauguration have been like if Mitt Romney won? It would have been a lot different. Let’s start from the top. President Obama looked truly happy yesterday.

I saw Mitt Romney for a solid two years while he was running for President, and I’m pretty sure this is the happiest he can get:

That’s his million dollar smile. Actually that’s probably his quarter-billion dollar smile. It’s really the only one he’s got.

Now it gets tricky. No one really brought up the fact Mitt Romney was a Mormon during the election. But I’m thinking the Bible probably wouldn’t have been his book of choice during the swearing in ceremony. You know Mitt doesn’t do anything halfway. Any copy of the Book of Mormon won’t do. Mitt would be rocking his very own recreation of Joseph Smith’s golden plates. Made out of real gold.

The only downside is that they would have been a bit heavy for Ann Romney. You know two or three of his sons would have helped him out though. Which brings us to our next difference. Obama had Michelle, Sasha and Malia, Michelle’s brother and Mom and that was about it. The Romney’s on the other hand…

If the whole family was up there, there wouldn’t have been any room for the Supreme Court, ex-Presidents, any members of Congress. I think they would have kicked off some kind of Romney family hunger games to see who got to sit up on the dais with Dad. I think the only guarantee is gigantic Romney on the far right. Everything else is a toss up.

Time for the speed round:

– For Obama’s inauguration, Joe Biden was surprisingly contained…If Mitt Romney won, I’m pretty sure Paul Ryan would have gone shirtless at some point. Even in the cold.

– For Obama’s inauguration, there was a celebration with a few hundred thousand people, complete with pop stars, a 21 gun salute, and parties all over the city…If Mitt Romney won, his belief in a small government means the ceremony wouldn’t have been such a big spectacle. Just Mitt, his family, a few members of the Tea Party, and a few of Mitt’s closest millionaire friends.

 – For Obama’s inauguration, Beyonce sing the National Anthem…If Mitt Romney won, I’m pretty sure Mitt would have just called this dude.


– For Obama’s inauguration, Barack Obama gave a shout out to equal pay for women, gay rights, immigration and ease of voting…If Mitt Romney won, he would have asked everyone to turn in their health care cards in exchange for guns. Then he would end his speech with “y’all bitches on ya own”.

– For Obama’s inauguration, there were stars everywhere. James Taylor, Alicia Keys, John Mayer, Eva Longoria, Katy Perry…If Mitt Romney won, Mitt would have just invited Manti Te’o to the Inaugural ball…you know, because he’s guaranteed not to need a plus 1.

– For Obama’s inauguration, Kelly Clarkson sang “My Country ‘Tis of Thee”…If Mitt Romney won, yeah, Kelly Clarkson would have still been singing “My Country ‘Tis of Thee”. For sure.

– For Obama’s inauguration, Karl Rove is no where to be seen…If Mitt Romney won, Karl Rove does the Gangnam style dance at the Commanders ball in a money green suit while Big Oil makes it rain.

Karl Rove REALLY wanted that win. I’m pretty sure he would have celebrated in style. That might have actually made it worth it…nah, even that wouldn’t be worth it.

It isn’t often we get a peek into an alternate dimension. I think now that we know what could have been, we can all agree we’re better off.



The Worst Way To Go Out: General Petraeus Got Caught By a Sex Scandal That Wasn’t Even His

General David Petraeus stepped down this week after it was discovered that he was having an affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell. Cheating on your wife is never right, we’ve covered that ground before, but I really don’t believe every persone needs to lose their job because of something that happens in their private life. It’s already going to mess up his family and I’m sure he feels terrible already, but now he’s lost his job too…and he was actually doing a good job.

The woman is Paula Broadwell and she’s also the author of his biography.

The announcement itself is pretty crazy, but the automatic punchline is the name of the book itself. I haven’t read the book, so I can’t imagine why a military biography is called “All In”, but that title is a perfect one for an affair.

I like the subtitle too, “The education of General David Petraeus”, education indeed. So in honor of “All In” I thought we could review the top ten alternate book titles.

10: CIA and Secrets: An Undercover Expose

9. Young Guns

8. Officer Ain’t A Gentleman

7. Four Star General: The Best There Is

6. Head of the Military

5. CIA: Consumed In Ass

4. Extreme Military Pressure

3. Mission Accomplished: Story of a Side Chick

2. The Rise of General Petraeus

1. The Surge

The worst part about this whole story is that it was exposed by the classic problem with all affairs. A crazy chick.

Oh I know, she might not look crazy, but she’s crazy. Paula Broadwell ain’t got it all together too. Apparently this whole thing was blown open when Paula Broadwell started sending crazy ass anonymous messages to Jell Kelley to stay away from her man. But wait, General Petraeus is NOT her man, he’s her side man. What does Jill Kelley do? She calls the FACKIN FBI! Who the hell does that? Crazy girls, that’s who. Once she realized she was about to rip down the entire Central Intelligence Agency she tried to do takesies backsies, but it was a little too late. Uh oh. Crazy Chick.

Jill Kelley also:

1. Claimed she was an Honorary Consul General (She’s not)

2. Claimed she should have Inviolability (big word…means nothing)

3. Tried to negotiate a deal for a 4 billion dollar defense contract where she would get a commission of $80 Million. (She might be crazy, but not afraid to swing for the fences. $80 Million though? THAT’S CRAZY)

All of this boils down to everyone remembering Side Chick Rule #2: Your side chick does not give a damn about your primary relationship. Let this be a lesson to everyone considering a side chick relationship. Even if you are the director of the CIA who has set up fake email addresses to communicate, kept everything tight, have a perfectly reasonable reason to spend time with her, she may have her own family and something to lose, but she will still potentially send crazy ass messages to a chick you aren’t even having sex with, call the FBI, and blow up your entire situation. Damn homey.

Not everyone has a job you will lose because of your inability to keep your dack in your pants, but here is evidence that if the entire security wing of the Government, it can certainly completely screw up your situation.

Lesson learned.


News Is Still TV People. Now That It’s Over, Let’s Admit The Media Got Us Good.

The Presidential campaign is over and Barack Obama is still President.

I have to admit, the nerves were cranking up yesterday, but with all the polls, it seemed like Obama was going to win. Like I said on Monday, the system is designed to keep things close. But when every poll had Obama up 2% I thought it was really going to break his way. I appreciate the fact there is a “Margin of Error”, but why doe everyone assume the margin of error is going to drift toward the middle, why does it never mean the person on top is actually up by 6% instead of 2%?

I don’t know about you, but to me, it looked like Obama won in a romp. I don’t like the Electoral college system either (although without it, we would be having a lot of discussion about the rights of the states, which is ACTUALLY a REAL Constitutional issue, not like guns, or deciding how technology people in 1787 couldn’t even imagine) Even as results were rolling in, CNN was acting like things could go for Romney for as long as they could. But pretending that the 55 votes in California don’t count for half the night is just silly. I know, I know, you don’t want to tip the scales before the polls close, but everyone knows they are coming.

Now that the election is over can we all back up and admit we got suckered into watching a blue line get closer to a red line like the fate of the world depends on it. News is on TV. TV only happens if advertisers pay for it. Advertisers only pay for it if people are watching it. People only watch if there is something at stake…hence those two lines getting closer together. A 15 point gap in the results and a 100 vote gap in the electoral college is not must see tv.

Dear Media, don’t play us. We know you need people to watch, but don’t manufacture competition and controversy. All that “too close to call” rhetoric is what kept Mitt Romney from making his concession speech at 1am EST. He bought into his own press. I do appreciate him playing it out until the math was impossible. I appreciate a dude who plays through the whistle, but damn. The Romney’s went on lockdown before the Central time zone was closed. He knew what was up.

The best part of the night was switching to Fox News to see how they were dealing with it. Even after they called the race, they were still looking at ways Ohio might still be up for grabs. Talking about Florida’s automatic recount if the result is withing 10,000 votes. AHNT. No chance. Nice try though. Guess you will be working on telling us the billions of ways we’re all heading toward hell right now. Have fun.

Congrats, we don’t need to talk about politics anymore.



Clint Eastwood Has Trouble, and It’s Not With the Curve

Clint Eastwood is still apparently getting talked about. His empty chair apparently can not be stopped.

There  have been all kinds of empty chair jokes since then. But now things have taken a hard turn on Clint. People are ready to turn his empty chairs into a protest. I got a chain email called “Clint Eastwood – Let’s Make His Day!!!!” Clearly written by someone SUPER creative and fond of exclamation marks.

Here’s the gist:

Clint Eastwood tried to marginalize President Obama with an empty chair, so let’s show him the power of the empty chair by NOT going to his new movie!

Get it…the chairs…in the theater…would be empty. Like, because no one is paying for them and Clint Eastwood isn’t making any money.

I’m am 100% behind voting with your feet. Don’t support the things made, sold, or promoted by people you don’t like. I’m with that. It’s part of the reason athletes, actors and anyone who depends on people liking them for their money never say anything political. They can lose half of America immediately. I guess this is Clint’s shot. They are trying to damage his new movie “Trouble with the Curve”.

Here’s a secret. I wasn’t going to see it anyway. I guess I’m a part of the movement now. You want to know another secret? If you ever want a protest where you really want to get a lot of people involved? Ask people NOT to do something. DON’T go to a movie? All about it. Wake up at 7am to stand in silence outside of a city building? That’s SO EARLY. I might not show up. This is great. Now people can feel good for not doing something they weren’t going to do anyway.

So here’s a picture of a showing of Trouble with the Curve.

If that’s the turnout of people supporting Clint this weekend, the vote in November might not turn out so well for Mitt Romney. I’m also pretty sure that dude is racist. Because that’s definitely where this thing is going, right?

It’s actually going to be interesting when the Republican party goes back to retool and actually has to be inclusive of all of America. I think they might actually figure out it is a much better approach than what they are doing now.

The Romney campaign might also benefit from someone who is in charge of paying attention to detail. Although I know EXACTLY how this happened, I know the SPECIFIC logic that led to this moment, I know there are PERFECTLY REASONABLE decisions that were made to make this moment occur, this picture is bad for business.

Not the look you want to portray when people think you are rich and not sensitive to the needs of people less fortunate than you…even if you’re wearing jeans. While falling would be a horrible moment for his campaign, using a person to perform a function usually taken care of by a patch of carpet is not the image you want to portray.


Man Up Monday: The Republican National Convention

The Republican National Convention kicks off later today tomorrow and they are dealing with all kinds of things.

Romney wants it to be all good, but he’s got a literal hurricane that is pushing his convention back and a whole bunch of other things he needs to clean up this week.

1. Let’s start at the beginning. Two weeks ago, Kansas Rep Kevin Yoder had to apologize for going skinny dipping in the Sea of Galilee last summer.

Apparently, 30 GOP lawmakers were on a trip to Isreal and several of them decided to go skinny dipping during the trip. I’ve never been in the position to encourage the Republican party to find a way to accept more black people, but this is one of those times where it really might have helped. I feel like it would only take one brother to say “hey, I’m not jumping into the sea naked, and maybe you shouldn’t either. I don’t think Allen West was there, but does this dude look like he is about to go skinny dipping?

Nah, never. Never ever. He’s so conservative he doesn’t like any kind of change. He clearly hasn’t changed his haircut in over 30 years. He could have saved Yoder up there. Republicans need to Man Up and keep a brother around. It’s like an insurance policy.

2. Todd Akin and his “legitimate rape”. Look I’m not even going to talk about the science of his statement or the fact that he said the wrong thing.

Okay, just that once. I actually believe the guy when he says he misspoke and apologized. He is one of the few politicians who is actually saying sorry, tried to explain and wanted to move on. I don’t like thinking politicians make one mistake and they just get thrown away. But that wasn’t big enough for the Republican Party, they want him to back out of the race. The guy is a 65 year old grown ass man who has one more shot at the Senate. He’s not letting some dude who isn’t President yet tell him what to do. Akin is telling everyone it’s on him. He’d rather take his best shot than step down “for the greater good”. They really need his spot to try to take control of the Senate…whoops.

3. Paul Ryan. Going into the convention, Paul Ryan is best known for his budget and the fact that he is unique. He is actually one of 5 people on the planet other than the founder who finished P90X.

Hell, I’m down with that. That’s impressive. That should just be his whole platform. He should just run an Ab Ripper session live on stage. It would impress the millions of people who made it to day 12 before they said screw it.

So Mitt and the Republicans have a big chance to Man Up this week. I’m hoping they will roll out some of the favorites. I need some Michael Steele, some Herman Cain, maybe they can find Ms. Not a Witch Christine O’Donnell. The will never be able to top Sarah Palin’s pitbull/lipstick speech.

Republican Party…Man Up!



Columbia Looks Like A Lot of Fun

The Columbia Secret Service Scandal just won’t stop. Late last week the pictures of the lady in question came out. Let’s review, shall we?

You know what? I’m not mad at that. Nothing worse than setting off a national scandal for prostitution in a secure American government hotel room and releasing pictures that look like this.

Then it is a double violation. There is no greater offense than going down for a chick who just wasn’t worth it. Us Versus Them rule number 237, if you are gonna go down for a major violation, at least take a big swing.

I have to imagine that looks like the perfect woman after a hard day of work and a few drinks. Plus we all know vacation in Columbia is a lot of fun, even Hillary Clinton got in on it.

So the next official Us Versus Them event will be down in Columbia. Hillary and I are picking up the beer. Hookers are on you.



Ann Romney The Stay At Home Mom…Sheeeeeeeeit

I thought all hell was going to break lose last week when Hilary Rosen called B.S. on Ann Romney for talking about women, jobs, and economics when she said “She’s never worked a day in her life.”

Ann Romney scored a big “gotcha” moment when she said, she decided to be a stay at home mom. Of course, you can’t talk shit about a stay at home mom, moms are bulletproof. Once you push a person out of your sweet lady parts, you’ve pretty much got a trump card for life.  So everyone rushed to support Ann Romney’s decision. Hilary picked the wrong words, and somehow got buried for it, but we all know what she was trying to say. What she should have said was, Ann Romney was born with money and married money. Anytime she’s decided to (she should have dropped some heavy air quotes here )”Work” it was by choice, not by necessity. She’s never had to make the hard financial decisions that most American women make because she’s sitting on a quarter billion right now.

That’s actually a legit point. Instead we’re talking about how hard of a job being a stay at home mom is. Here’s the thing. Look at this family.

My bad, wrong picture. Here’s her real family.

Holy shit! She’s got more kids and grandkids than the fake ass joke picture. Do you know how much sex you have to have to have that many people in one family? The book of Mormon must not allow a day of rest. Sundays are reserved for getting it in.

Here’s my thing. Let’s say Ann Romney did decide to stay at home. Have you ever been around FIVE kids? Five. You think a woman with five kids is going to take care of all those kids by herself? Have you ever been around five kids? Wait, even better, do you think a woman with five kids and sitting on a few hundred million dollars isn’t going to have a nanny or three on staff?

There aren’t any rich people taking care of five kids on their own. You aren’t loading up kids and running them to school, soccer practice, back to the house, church, pick up another two kids, do some homework and tuck everyone in. Nah. Ann Romney had nannies stacked up. That’s the funniest thing about this whole “controversy”. Is that there is a woman somewhere who is watching Ann Romney wave the flag of the stay at home mom, meanwhile she’s thinking “That chick wasn’t with me when I was getting shot in the face with water guns and cleaning up poop”.

She’s out there somewhere. And she’s got a big “bitch please” ready for Ann Romney next time she sees her.


The True Measure of A Politician: How Do You Take a Glitter Bomb?

On Tuesday, right after Mitt Romney victoriously conceded the fact that he got his ass kicked in Minnesota, Colorado and Missouri. (Dude was still talking like the winner after a major momentum buster. That’s got to hold some kind of political value, right?) Something strange happened. He went down to the crowd to shake hands and thank the fives of people who voted for him and he got glitter bombed.

It happened fast too. Secret Service snatched the glitterer up and hustled him out of there.

The glitter bomb is the preferred method of protest for supporters of gay rights. The protest is ridiculous and brilliant at the same time. Ridiculous because there is no way for a gay rights protest to be any gayer than a glitter bomb. What was the meeting like when they decided on the glitter bomb? I guess shirtless sit-ins and blasting electronic club music super loud were just too logistically difficult to pull off.

So they went with glitter.

It is brilliant because on the sliding scale of assault with one side being “Didn’t hit you at all” and the other being “Pull a gun and scream at you until you piss your pants”, the glitter bomb is right there with “being rushed by puppies that really want to lick your face” as far as actual threat level. You have to be a real asshole to stay mad at someone who just threw glitter at you. I mean, you can try to be mad, but you would look a little silly yelling at someone while you are shining like C-Lo at a Liberace revival.

You can’t be mad when you’re sparkling. It’s like licking your elbow or sneezing with your eyes open. It’s impossible.

Here’s the thought process of someone who is getting glitter bombed.

1. A crazy person! I’m gonna die!

2. I’m not dead! What was that?

3. Is this glitter? I think there is some in my mouth. Do I look like a complete idiot right now? I feel like I just left the strip club.

I was talking about it with Lake last night (remember him?) and he said you can choose good Presidential candidates based on how they react to the Glitter Bomb. I decided to put his theory to the test.

Mitt Romney:

When you watch the video above, Mitt actually did a pretty good job. You could tell he was scared, but he recovered quickly and went about his business. He’s already rolling with secret service though. He knows they’ve got his back.

Rick Santorum:

Classic Rick. He’s about to get blasted and he’s blissfully unaware of it, just like his campaign.

Erik Paulsen, Republican Rep. from Minnesota:

He’s not running for President and according to this video, he should never run for President.

He dropped like he actually got shot. I’d really feel bad for him if someone who threw like a man had actually rolled up on him. Sorry, that wasn’t nice.

Michelle Bachman:

Michelle Bachman takes her glitter bombs the same way she handles the real world.

Yup, she she’s so clueless she doesn’t even know it is happening.

Newt Gingrich:

This might be the most disturbing video of them all. Not because Newt reacted violently, but because he barely reacted at all.

I want the man to defend himself at least a little bit, not turn up his chin and smile like he is about to take a glitter money shot to the chin and face. He might have well been saying, “awwwww, yeaaaah. I love your glitter. It’s all over my suit and on my face. Yeaaaaaaah. You got some on my wife too. That’s so hot. Yeaaaaaaah. I have glitter in my mouth. It’s your glitter. In my mouth. Yeaaaaaah.”

You want to know the worst thing about glitter bombs? I’m pretty sure if someone can get close enough to glitter bomb a politician, that person is also close enough to kill them. That’s pretty messed up.