Man Up Monday: Rich Dudes Who Still Need to Do This…

Every once in a while someone comes up with the perfect business plan. For example, whoever comes up with a way to change the process of moving so it isn’t the shittiest experience in life deserves to get rich. Right now the only way to get a sleeper sofa to the third floor is to lift that bastard and climb.

Pretty people kinda have it all. They get the benefit of the doubt. People go out of their way to help them. I’ve literally seen cute chicks get on the airplane with a big ass carry on and pantomime the process of actually lifting her bag into the overhead bin. She had no intention of lifting it, she was just going to use the power of cute to enchant the men around her to do her bidding. It worked. Immediately. I know my theory is right, because when you see the power of pretty being underused. Like have you ever seen a really cute chick working at McDonald’s and thought to yourself, “what the hell ar you doing here? Don’t you know someone will hire you to do something better than this?” Or, have you ever seen a hot homeless person?

No, breakdown Britney doesn’t count. Before you think too hard, I’ll answer that for you. No, no you haven’t. Because someone will rescue hot from the streets.

So check out this business plan. has built an entire business around “beautiful people become prostitutes travel free”.

The website is just being straight up about people using their beauty as currency. Why stand in a club in Vegas waiting for some old, rich, white dude to offer to fly you to Bora Bora? You can just logon and allow them to fly you out with no actual footwork! The website literally filters these women out like a craigslist ad. Like a lineup at the Bunny Ranch. Sure, you get to travel anywhere in the world, but is it worth making that pussy payment when you get there?

I’m not even mad at it for leveraging sex as a form of payment, because that is exactly what this is. I will say this, the website is super shady about their ability to keep you safe. Here are the highlights:

  • Do not go anywhere with a stranger, especially if the person who meet you is not the one you are expecting.
  • Give your family or friends a copy of the passport and phone number of the person you are traveling with or visiting.
  • We do not perform background check on our members, so please proceed with extreme caution.

Doesn’t that sound great? Maybe no one reads the fine print on these things when a free plane ticket is involved, but damn they’re basically telling you that you might disappear.

So rich dudes sign up on this website and choose a beautiful woman to travel with them. But you have to know if a dude flies you halfway around the world, you aren’t getting a separate hotel room and you might have to pay for that ticket somehow.

Does that look like the appropriate price of a trip to Costa Rica? Or is that more of a New Zealand price tag? Look, I know rich dudes still need game. I know when you are a rich dude you really don’t have time to line up some international pimpin every time you go somewhere. But damn. Even President Obama’s secret service advance team knows how to scoop up some local talent and get em back to the hotel.

So rich dudes, come on, you already have an edge on the UvT Real Scale of 1-10. You have to do about 20% of the work the rest of us have to do and you are already willing to throw cash at a random chick to take her on vacation. That will actually work in real life too. Get out into the field and put in some time to get what you want.

Rich dudes, Man Up! You’re better than this.


Man Up Monday: The Secret Service

Being a member of the Secret Service is a very serious job. These guys are all ex-military. They are the most trusted “cops” in America. When anyone important to the American infrastructure needs protection, they get the Secret Service. These guys aren’t just bodyguards. They roll ahead of the President to do location prep. If anything goes down they know how to get him out of there. If they need to do some real life Jason Bourne and roll the Presidential limo through the streets of Bogota at top speed…they’ve got it covered.

Usually these guys are all business.

But now there’s a story about the Secret Service down in Columbia doing prep for the President next week. So they secured the hotel. Scouted and prepped the rooms. Developed procedures for escape and maximum protection. They got done with work a little early and decided to go grab a few drinks and hit the streets a bit. Why not, the President wasn’t even there yet. That’s when things started getting a little loose in the club. The boys ran into those Columbian girls and lost their damn mind. I can’t say I blame them.

They rolled a few chicks back to the hotel and a few guys got it in. That’s when things fell apart. Apparently they learned the true meaning of “Fuck You, Pay Me” because the ladies were prostitutes.

Uh oh. You know Obama got this call and broke out that “Are you fucking kidding me?” face.

This is a big scandal now, but we all know what happened here. I’ve had a few boys go out like this. That’s why you always have to have your international game tight. You’ve got to know the rules and policies of the country you are in. You see, prostitution is legal in parts of Columbia. It isn’t like here where pros will walk the streets looking to get picked up. These chicks just go to the bar to pick up suckers Americans looking for a good time. Apparently it was an epic night in Columbia and someone thought he had his game tight. I mean things were really clicking on all cylinders Jersey Shore style. These dudes rolled into what they thought was a regular bar and thought they were spitting the best “we don’t speak the same language” game ever spit. I can see it now. They probably still had their suits, sunglasses and earpieces in.

After a night of pleasure, they wake up in the morning just to find out the chick was working the whole time. It’s gotta be crazy thinking you were having a one night stand kind of night and you find out she was working you. That’s gotta be just about the worst feeling in the world.

I’m not even mad at these dudes. It was a night out that is now getting blown all out of proportion. I know, I know, no chicks in the secure area. I know. Look, jumping in front of a bullet for someone else is part of your job description, you need to blow off some steam every once in a while. But you can’t explain that to the American people. These guys are never going to work Secret Service again.

You know who I really feel badly for in all this? Herman Cain (remember him?). I feel like he would have stayed in the race a little longer if he knew the Secret Service might help him pick up some ladies. He really would have put up his best efforts to make it to the White House.

Herman Cain may approve of this message, but here at Us Versus Them we know the Secret Service needs to Man Up! Those dudes knew those chicks asked for a few dólares up front. They thought they were international pimpin and they out kicked their own coverage.

So Secret Service, Man Up and know your limitations.


Newt Gingrich Wanted an Open Marriage: Pimpin Ain’t Easy

I’m not a Republican, but these GOP primaries are getting more interesting by the day. 24 hours ago it looked like Mitt Romney was going to run away with the whole thing. He had Iowa, he had New Hampshire and was dominating South Carolina. Then today all hell broke loose.

Turns out he didn’t win Iowa, Rick Santorum did. Plus, when Yosemite Sam Rick Perry dropped out of the election, he threw his support behind Newt Gingrich and now instead of a double digit lead in SC, Mitt Romney is locked in a dead heat with Newt Gingrich.

Sounds like good news for Newt, right?


As soon as he caught a little momentum, his ex-wife (the second one, not the first one) dropped this bomb. Apparently Newt Gingrich asked for an “open marriage” right before he divorced her in 1999. It pretty much ruined Newt’s day.

Then he found out that Santa wasn’t going to let Rudolph help him deliver the Christmas presents.

Sorry, that wasn’t Newt. That was Hermie the Christmas Elf who wanted to be a dentist. I think I got thrown off by the hair. Somehow the name Hermie sounds more reasonable than Newt right now though.

I love the term “Open Marriage” because it sounds so simple. Who wouldn’t want things to be “open”? Things that are “closed” aren’t good. So open should be better. Two things about “open” when it is applied to marriage. First, you agreed to a closed marriage when you got married. That’s pretty much the definition of marriage. Second, “open marriage” is code for, “there are other women I want to have sex with.” The other parts of marriage ain’t open. Newt didn’t want to open up the marriage so he could pay two mortgages. Or double up on his life insurance. Or split his stuff THREE ways if he wanted a divorce. Or make sure more people could get back to the hospital room after visiting hours in case Newt was laid up for a few days. B-b-b-but wait it gets worse!

Newt asked for the “open marriage” in 1999, he was divorced and remarried in 2000. That’s not an open marriage, he had something very specific in mind. He could have just said, “this is Callista, I’d like to have sex with her while we are still married. That cool?” He wasn’t “open”, he wanted a the marriage contract to be specifically amended. He had a mistress and figured he might as well ask if it was cool before he blew his entire world up. It wasn’t. He bounced.

Then, inexplicably, he immediately got married again. He’s clearly into the ladies. Meanwhile, why is his second wife angry? Before wifey #3 was the side chick, she was the side chick. I’m pretty sure there is a law on the books somewhere that says that side chicks aren’t allowed to get mad when they get hit with side chick karma. You know your man cheats. He was cheating when he met you. Don’t get mad when he does it again.

So Newt, how many ladies is it going to take to keep you happy?

Just 1? You know I don’t believe that. Come on man, keep it real.

Two? That seems more like you. But I’m really asking for a total here. You’re already on 3.

Thanks for your honest Mr. Speaker. I do have to ask you. You seem to be an expert on the ladies. You have to know a lot about relationships. What is your favorite thing about women?

An ass man huh? Are you trying to get the Team Us endorsement for the election? Nice try. I’m worried you might try to ask for an open Presidency and try to run Canada at the same time.