Man Up Monday: Fat Vegetarians

As you all know by now, there is a long list of things that piss me off. Smokers, people who drop a deuce in public restrooms like they are at home, big girls who think they are thick, and people who treat their dogs like they are people.

Who does the tongue belong to?

But there is one group who is gaining power and I really can’t stand them. Health Food fanatics. You know, those organic, grass fed, free range, seasonally harvested, gluten-free, vegetarian, vegan, please use a knife that didn’t touch the meat, people. I’m not telling anyone how to live. There is nothing more TeamUs than doing what the hell you want to do, but there is nothing more TeamThem than doing something that makes absolutely no sense.

Here’s the thing about vegetarians and vegans. They LOVE to talk about how they don’t eat meat, or cheese, or products derived from animal products or whatever the rules are. Every vegetarian acts like they are more healthy than you are because they don’t eat meat. First of all, there is no planet where this fine vegetarian compliant dish:

(I know I just messed up your New Year’s Resolution lunch plans)

Is better than this:

I’ll go ahead and drop the caveat that anyone who believes that animals are all God’s children and have a moral problem with meat at least have a legit position. I believe being at the top of the food chain has its privileges, but do your thing. Anyone who believes that your plate of rice, noodles and salad with extra Thousand Island is better than my steak, you’re just wrong.

Next point, just because something is raw or organic, it doesn’t make it automatically good for you. Here’s what you health freaks forget. When you make your organic, raw, coconut carob nut balls that you dehydrated…it is probably better than a Snickers bar, but guess what it isn’t better than? Not eating candy. If you are eating Frosted Flakes and you end up going with a corn flake and agave nectar combo as a substitute, great. Once again, better than sugar…but not a health food.

Oh and another thing. What’s up with vegetarians who immediately try to make legit foods veggie compliant? If you don’t like meat, don’t like meat. Don’t go break out the tofu bologna and veggie buffalo wings. Eat some celery sticks and call it a day. If you crave tofu dogs, you probably really don’t want to be vegetarian. People who eat meat watch their step around hotdogs. If you don’t like meat, why are you making fake enchiladas?

That’s awful. Whip up a salad and bear the burden of the path you chose. Don’t bastardize delicious Mexican food. Whatever that is up there just looks wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Finally, you can still be a fatass vegan. Vegan “muffins”? Those are just shitty cupcakes. Whatever you have to do to make something without milk or eggs turn into a solid in the shape of a muffin probably offsets whatever health benefits you think you are getting. Fettuccine Alfredo? Vegetarian all day…zero nutritional value.

So Vegetarians, Man Up! Time to be honest with yourselves. While you reconcile your hypocrisy, I’ll be at Popeye’s…he ate Spinach, right?

-Brock