The True Measure of A Politician: How Do You Take a Glitter Bomb?

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On Tuesday, right after Mitt Romney victoriously conceded the fact that he got his ass kicked in Minnesota, Colorado and Missouri. (Dude was still talking like the winner after a major momentum buster. That’s got to hold some kind of political value, right?) Something strange happened. He went down to the crowd to shake hands and thank the fives of people who voted for him and he got glitter bombed.

It happened fast too. Secret Service snatched the glitterer up and hustled him out of there.

The glitter bomb is the preferred method of protest for supporters of gay rights. The protest is ridiculous and brilliant at the same time. Ridiculous because there is no way for a gay rights protest to be any gayer than a glitter bomb. What was the meeting like when they decided on the glitter bomb? I guess shirtless sit-ins and blasting electronic club music super loud were just too logistically difficult to pull off.

So they went with glitter.

It is brilliant because on the sliding scale of assault with one side being “Didn’t hit you at all” and the other being “Pull a gun and scream at you until you piss your pants”, the glitter bomb is right there with “being rushed by puppies that really want to lick your face” as far as actual threat level. You have to be a real asshole to stay mad at someone who just threw glitter at you. I mean, you can try to be mad, but you would look a little silly yelling at someone while you are shining like C-Lo at a Liberace revival.

You can’t be mad when you’re sparkling. It’s like licking your elbow or sneezing with your eyes open. It’s impossible.

Here’s the thought process of someone who is getting glitter bombed.

1. A crazy person! I’m gonna die!

2. I’m not dead! What was that?

3. Is this glitter? I think there is some in my mouth. Do I look like a complete idiot right now? I feel like I just left the strip club.

I was talking about it with Lake last night (remember him?) and he said you can choose good Presidential candidates based on how they react to the Glitter Bomb. I decided to put his theory to the test.

Mitt Romney:

When you watch the video above, Mitt actually did a pretty good job. You could tell he was scared, but he recovered quickly and went about his business. He’s already rolling with secret service though. He knows they’ve got his back.

Rick Santorum:

Classic Rick. He’s about to get blasted and he’s blissfully unaware of it, just like his campaign.

Erik Paulsen, Republican Rep. from Minnesota:

He’s not running for President and according to this video, he should never run for President.

He dropped like he actually got shot. I’d really feel bad for him if someone who threw like a man had actually rolled up on him. Sorry, that wasn’t nice.

Michelle Bachman:

Michelle Bachman takes her glitter bombs the same way she handles the real world.

Yup, she she’s so clueless she doesn’t even know it is happening.

Newt Gingrich:

This might be the most disturbing video of them all. Not because Newt reacted violently, but because he barely reacted at all.

I want the man to defend himself at least a little bit, not turn up his chin and smile like he is about to take a glitter money shot to the chin and face. He might have well been saying, “awwwww, yeaaaah. I love your glitter. It’s all over my suit and on my face. Yeaaaaaaah. You got some on my wife too. That’s so hot. Yeaaaaaaah. I have glitter in my mouth. It’s your glitter. In my mouth. Yeaaaaaah.”

You want to know the worst thing about glitter bombs? I’m pretty sure if someone can get close enough to glitter bomb a politician, that person is also close enough to kill them. That’s pretty messed up.

-Brock

2011 UvT Awards: Man Up of the Year

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Sure, I’ve written more than 50 Man Up Monday columns this year, but as always, the Man Up of the year is special. We’ve talked shit about honored the Balloon boy’s dad in 2009 (you probably don’t even remember that dude he needed to Man Up so badly, and last year we gave the Man Up treatment to Brett Favre (who still might call the Broncos this week to try to get them into the playoffs and lead them to a Superbowl).

So it came down to a few choices of the most ridiculous stories of the year. Of course we had Jerry Sandusky and the Penn State scandal.

There are only a few problems with this one. First, as you can see from this picture, Jerry Sandusky literally doesn’t get it. He’s being investigated for molesting boys in showers and he gets arrested in his crib while wearing a Penn State WRESTLING jacket?!?!?! What. The. Fuck. He thought that was a good idea? He didn’t think he wanted to burn that jacket? It makes me think this dude may literally be mentally impaired, and I don’t make fun of people who can’t mentally defend themselves. Second, this dude might be the devil himself. I don’t want to get dragged into the depths of hell for exposing the devil in human form. Third, it’s hard to make fun of a dude that sick. Excluding the entire paragraph preceding this sentence.

So that leaves us with one man who was made to look like the biggest bitch of the year.

Kris Humphries.

And no, I’m not just talking about his decision to wear that outfit. Although, he just earned some additional heat for allowing this picture to exist on the internet.

We should have known Kris Humphries was doomed when he decided to propose to Kim Kardashian on the same day that all the crazies were claiming was the apocalypse. Can you believe this guy got engaged, had a celebrity wedding, a honeymoon and got divorced since May? His entire relationship from top to bottom was shorter than the NBA lockout. The NBA was able to negotiate a billion dollars between 30 owners and hundreds of players before Kris was able to figure out how to deal with this.

I think that is marked “never before seen” because Kris never really figured out one of the great puzzles of the universe…Kim Kardashians ass. Hell, that clip makes it looks like Kim is still learning how to use her own equipment.

Here’s the worst part. Kris Humphries is an utterly irrelevant NBA player on the most irrelevant team in the league. Deron Williams helped…some. Moving the Nets to Brooklyn will help…some. But when the most recognizable part of the Nets, Jay-Z said “the Nets could go 0-82 and I’d look at you like this shits gravy” he didn’t exactly help their credibility.

That shit cray…ain’t it Jay?

Seriously though. There was a poll last year on “the most hated player in the NBA” and it was LeBron James for that horrible decision to say he was “taking his talents to South Beach” in a live interview. (Now Lebron has the most hated hairline in basketball. Seriously, can’t MJ, Charles Barkley and Vince Carter pull him to the side and let him know it is time to let go?) This year, Kris Humphries was the most hated. The only people who should hate him are Nets fans who see him getting a $8 Million contract this year and being a career 6 points and 5 rebounds guy. How can you hate a guy who has that little impact on the game?

Hell, how did Kim Kardashian decide to date a guy so irrelevant. I mean Kim Kardashian dated Reggie Bush. He was one of the greatest college football players ever and the dude who cost me the UvT Fantasy football title this year, not some random corner back from Wake Forest. You gotta stay on the level of your status. Reggie Bush was the best back of his era, and Kim Kardashian has the best backside of her era. It works. Or when she decided to date in the music industry. She didn’t just date that random dude from N’Sync who’s name I don’t remember who always ended up in the corner of all the pictures., she dated Ray-J. Wait a minute…Kris Humphries is pretty much the Ray-J of the NBA. My bad, Kim is being pretty consistent.

After the divorce. After the marriage was called a scam. After Kris was (and still is getting) publicly embarrassed on the Kardashian TV show. He gets kicked in the ass with this on his way out of the door.

It pretty much doesn’t get worse than being called gay by your ex on the cover of a national magazine. They didn’t even phrase it as a question. That is a straight up statement of fact. I’m actually scared of “What Khloe saw” at this point.

So Kris Humphries. You have the dubious distinction of getting the Man Up of the year. Just like LeBron, Mike Vick, Tiger Woods and any other sports figure who comes under fire, you can fight this and make it all go away by winning. That clears up all sins. Vegas currently has the Nets at 75/1 odds to take it all home. Good luck with that. Here’s a tip though. Here’s the hardest thing you ever did and somehow it just made you look like an asshole. Here was your Man Up moment and you messed it all up.

What are you 5? You can guarantee Kim was gonna make you pay for that one. Girls generally don’t find getting dropped in the water from 15 feet funny. FYI.

That doesn’t mean that clip isn’t hilarious. Kim really was not expecting that one.

Kris Humphries Man Up! You’ve gone from obscurity to infamy as the worst cat out there. You are literally famous for being terrible. That’s pretty much the worst kind of fame you can have.

-Brock

 

Man Up Monday: News of the World

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I heard there was a phone hacking scandal going on the the UK. I knew Rupert Murdock, multi-billionaire, the 13th most powerful person in the world according to Time Magazine, the media mogul who owns Fox News, Fox Television and other news outlets worldwide. The News of the World is currently accused of hacking the phones of people who had been murdered, politicians, celebrities, anyone they needed to get some more information on. At first, it sounded very specific. It sounded like they hacked the phone of one girl who was missing. Then it was more. Then it was a lot more. Once that happened, the News of the World, a newspaper that had been around since 1843, was shut down.

Sure, they were a bit tabloid-like, but they were still a long standing news outlet. Not only are people getting fired. Not only is the newspaper shutting down. People are getting arrested. Locked up. They are committing crimes. Why does this matter? Why should you care? Because they might have done it here too.

That means FOX News might be shut down. The whole company is connected. Anything can happen. It also means the Fox might get pulled down as well. Which means no more of this:

No Simpsons? Noooooooo! Talk about collateral damage. The Simpsons have been on for almost 25 years and they are going to get taken down by some phone hackers? That’s messed up. I knew Bart Simpson and those crank calls were going to catch up with him eventually.

Every day this just gets worse. Every day it goes deeper and deeper. At first it was one phone, then it was thousands. I’ll tell you something about working at a place like this. That isn’t an accident. This wasn’t the action of a few rogue employees. This was all the way to the top. Budgets were approved. Checks were signed. Sources were checked. Editors knew where the stories were coming from. I’ve heard Rupert Murdock has sent out a memo detailing the Fox Broadcasting “Stop Snitching” Policy.

Oh yeah. Shit is getting real in the streets when the big man sends down the word. He’s really trying to circle the wagons. Rupert Murdoch, you better Man Up and get ready for a rough ride. This doesn’t look like it is going to end nicely.

Rupert Murdoch, Fox News, News of the World…Man Up!

-Brock

 

 

Anthony Weiner Can’t Recognize His Own Junk

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Earlier this week Representative Anthony Weiner had a little issue with this Twitter account. Apparently it was hacked an a picture of a crotch was sent out. Specifically, it was @tweeted to a young lady on Hillary Clinton’s staff. Here is the genius of it. When the scandal went down, Weiner was very careful in saying that he didn’t send the picture, but did not necessarily say that the picture was not him. Which, if I had to define it in legal terms, I would say that is the truth, the half truth, and nothing but the truth.

Everyone wants to make fun of this guy, but let’s be honest. Guys only get certain angles of their own junk. There is the customary and most common birds eye view. There is the occasional mirror shot from several feet away. And with the advent of cell phones, there is the Bishop Eddie Long.

So there are certain angles of the cack that we never get to see. And although men tend to be familiar with their own equipment, it might not be enough to identify it in a line up from an odd angle. With that said, I need all of the men of Team Us to understand I’m only doing this for illustration purposes. I apologize ahead of time and there is a post of Toni Braxton looking damn good right below this one if you need to cleanse your palette. Here is the shot in question.

So here is my thing. If this was ME, I’d be able to say in a matter of seconds it is a fake. Because I don’t own a single solitary pair of grey man panties. Not a one. In fact, let’s move to a further illustration.

If next week, my twitter feed @uvtblog sent out this pic,

Let’s ignore the fact that this is a white dude. I do not own a tank top with bra straps. Never made that purchase. Never pulled one on when I was preparing for a night out. Never ever, not never. 100% confident in my denial. Now when Rep. Weiner sees some grey man panties suddenly he can’t respond with “certaintude” that it isn’t his junk? Does he have a detachable dick that he may have misplaced? Was he wearing a pair of underwear with a ridiculous kangaroo pouch on the front when the pic came out?  If so that sucks.

By the way fellas, stop taking pictures of your junk. If you do erase them immediately. It is really just a lose-lose situation. I’m pretty sure it never turns out well. Ladies, the rule doesn’t apply to you, feel free to take pictures of yourself naked in bathroom mirrors to your hearts content.

-Brock