On Tuesday, right after Mitt Romney victoriously conceded the fact that he got his ass kicked in Minnesota, Colorado and Missouri. (Dude was still talking like the winner after a major momentum buster. That’s got to hold some kind of political value, right?) Something strange happened. He went down to the crowd to shake hands and thank the fives of people who voted for him and he got glitter bombed.
It happened fast too. Secret Service snatched the glitterer up and hustled him out of there.
The glitter bomb is the preferred method of protest for supporters of gay rights. The protest is ridiculous and brilliant at the same time. Ridiculous because there is no way for a gay rights protest to be any gayer than a glitter bomb. What was the meeting like when they decided on the glitter bomb? I guess shirtless sit-ins and blasting electronic club music super loud were just too logistically difficult to pull off.
So they went with glitter.
It is brilliant because on the sliding scale of assault with one side being “Didn’t hit you at all” and the other being “Pull a gun and scream at you until you piss your pants”, the glitter bomb is right there with “being rushed by puppies that really want to lick your face” as far as actual threat level. You have to be a real asshole to stay mad at someone who just threw glitter at you. I mean, you can try to be mad, but you would look a little silly yelling at someone while you are shining like C-Lo at a Liberace revival.
You can’t be mad when you’re sparkling. It’s like licking your elbow or sneezing with your eyes open. It’s impossible.
Here’s the thought process of someone who is getting glitter bombed.
1. A crazy person! I’m gonna die!
2. I’m not dead! What was that?
3. Is this glitter? I think there is some in my mouth. Do I look like a complete idiot right now? I feel like I just left the strip club.
I was talking about it with Lake last night (remember him?) and he said you can choose good Presidential candidates based on how they react to the Glitter Bomb. I decided to put his theory to the test.
When you watch the video above, Mitt actually did a pretty good job. You could tell he was scared, but he recovered quickly and went about his business. He’s already rolling with secret service though. He knows they’ve got his back.
Classic Rick. He’s about to get blasted and he’s blissfully unaware of it, just like his campaign.
Erik Paulsen, Republican Rep. from Minnesota:
He’s not running for President and according to this video, he should never run for President.
He dropped like he actually got shot. I’d really feel bad for him if someone who threw like a man had actually rolled up on him. Sorry, that wasn’t nice.
Michelle Bachman takes her glitter bombs the same way she handles the real world.
Yup, she she’s so clueless she doesn’t even know it is happening.
This might be the most disturbing video of them all. Not because Newt reacted violently, but because he barely reacted at all.
I want the man to defend himself at least a little bit, not turn up his chin and smile like he is about to take a glitter money shot to the chin and face. He might have well been saying, “awwwww, yeaaaah. I love your glitter. It’s all over my suit and on my face. Yeaaaaaaah. You got some on my wife too. That’s so hot. Yeaaaaaaah. I have glitter in my mouth. It’s your glitter. In my mouth. Yeaaaaaah.”
You want to know the worst thing about glitter bombs? I’m pretty sure if someone can get close enough to glitter bomb a politician, that person is also close enough to kill them. That’s pretty messed up.