Bob Kraft Might Be The Best Boyfriend Ever

Now see, when an older man dates a younger woman everyone thinks the worst. They always assume that she’s a golddigger, or that he’s just in it for to get at a young, fresh piece of tail and suddenly nothing else matters. It’s just not true. Look at this picture.

They  both look happy. That’s his girlfriend Ricki Lander. He’s the billionaire owner of one the most successful football franchise of the last decade. She’s…hot and her boob is coming out. But she’s also an aspiring actress, and you can’t send in an audition tape without someone to help you read lines.

Bob showed up and gave it his all. I want to show you the video, but it’s embarrassing as hell, and when you’re a billionaire apparently you can get people to pull shit off of YouTube faster than the internet can put it up. It isn’t even worth trying to track down. I’ve never seen anything like it. I will say he does get off a “F*ck you pussy” and a punch before it is all over.

Where is Roger Goodell? Where is the $50,000 fine? This is the wildest shit to hit the NFL in years. You’re telling me Pacman Jones making it rain in the club is worse than this? I didn’t see videotape of that. You’re telling me football players getting bounties to do what they were going to do anyway is worse than this? I didn’t see tape of that either. The most respected billionaire owner in the league hanging with his 30 year old girlfriend and dropping “F*ck You Pussy” on tape? That’s the kind of behavior that doesn’t properly represent the league as far as I’m concerned.

You gotta respect a billionaire putting himself out there for his lady though. He could have hit her with that Ozzie Guillen.

Now that I think about it, that would have been preferable.

I expect a stern response from the league office.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: New England Patriots

The New York Giants won the Superbowl, beating the Patriots…Again.

Sure, everyone was leaning New York this year, but everyone just knew the Patriots were going to pull it out. When you are Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, you aren’t supposed to lose two Superbowls in a row. All the old school wisdom of “guys who get there and lose know what it takes to get the win” doesn’t really look like such good advice right now. The New York Giants seem to have the Patriots number at this point. That and the Patriots completely forgot how to pass the ball in the second half.

I have to imagine it is getting ugly in New England. You know who I blame? Chad Ochocinco. If dude was even remotely effective, even as a decoy he could have helped. Did you ever think Chad Johnson-cinco would be in a Super Bowl and everyone would barely recognize he was there. Next year the league will barely recognize he was there because he’s probably not going to be in the league. Maybe he can hook back up with T.O. and do Real Ex-Players of Cincinnati.

Bill Belichick’s “crazy genius” is going to be a little less impressive without the Super Bowl wins. Also, once he was busted for “Spygate” he hasn’t been soo good at winning Super Bowls. Uh-oh. Once of the biggest rules of life is that you can be a crazy asshole when you are winning, but once you start losing, you kinda just look like a homeless dude who found some hand me down Patriots gear.

Add a beard and I’m pretty sure he looks just like the dude at my exit on the freeway. Side note. I believe when I reference the Us Versus Them rulebook, Rule #28 is “Cutoff shorts only look good on women.” That rule was developed in reference to jean shorts, because I couldn’t imagine a grown man trying to make shorts out of any other material. But Belichick is rocking cuttoff sweats. Not only that, but the fact that the shorts are cuttoffs means he chose that length. I’m pretty sure he would have been sent home from my middle school for shorts that short. That much thigh is simply unacceptable.

So Eli Manning and the Giants win the Superbowl and I think Eli might actually smile when he gets to Disney World.

Maybe not. Remember 5 months ago when everyone was outraged that Eli Manning even suggested that he was a top 5 QB in the league? How no one could believe Eli thought he was “Elite”? There was a two week discussion about how much Eli Manning sucked. Every “expert” on TV was putting Eli firmly in that second tier of QB’s. Now, there are three QB’s playing with more than one Superbowl ring. Eli, Tom Brady and Ben Rothlesberger. We judge skills with wins, right? Eli basically balled up all that criticism and issued a big “Screw You” to the world last night.

So New England Patriots, Man Up! If you need a point of reference, check out Eli over there. His coach was about to get fired about 5 weeks ago. He just brought him home the big trophy.

-Brock

For the “Biggest Game Ever” the Super Bowl Kinda Sucks

I’m a huge football fan, so I’m excited about the Super Bowl this Sunday. Sure, it means I won’t be able to watch football again until September, but it is always fun to crown the Champion. I’ll be glued to the TV (whenever I’m not making a wings and drink run to the kitchen.) because there are so many great things about the Super Bowl. Great Football, lots of commercials, all football talk all week, and it is the one time of the year when you get to practice your Roman numerals.

This is a long one. I don’t know what a “VI” is but at least they are Xtra Large this year. Can’t wait for two years from now when they whip out Super Bowl XLVIII and try to make it look reasonable. I’m pretty sure they will ditch the Roman numerals when they get to Super Bowl LXXXVIII. I want to live for another 42 years just to I can see how they handle it. 88 is much more reasonable than LXXXVIII.

I will say there are a lot of thinks I don’t understand about the Super Bowl. Let’s run em down, shall we?

The Start Time:

All season, Sunday football is easy. On the East Coast you get a 1pm, a 4pm and a late game. Easy. I moved to the West Coast and that becomes a rough 10am start and a 1pm. I prefer to drink beer at 1pm, it feels more natural, but if I’ve got to start drinking at 10am, I’ll do it for the greater good. It’s nice because that late game isn’t that late. There is nothing worse on the East Coast than staying up until midnight trying to see what happens at the end of that Sunday night game.

Meanwhile, the Super Bowl start time is always at 6:37pm. Who came up with that? Even then, you’ve got to get past the intro, some country singer rocking “My Country Tis of Thee”, some volunteers holding a giant country shaped American Flag.

If you aren’t supposed to let the American flag touch the ground, why is cutting it into fun shapes okay? I’m pretty sure the founding fathers wouldn’t approve. (Side note, when I found this picture someone tagged it “flag shaped like Texas”. They clearly missed Florida over there. Only Texans are self-absorbed enough to pull off something like that)

Halftime:

Football games are usually easy. Unless it goes into overtime, it lasts 3 hours. Halftime is just enough time for you to get up, refresh the snacks, watch a few highlights, and before you know it you get to watch more football. In the Super Bowl you can actually go to a restaurant, order food, wait for it, drive back home and still have time to see Madonna finish up her medley, closing out a remix of “Music” while “fans” swing their neon glowsticks in the air.

The Commercials:

Everyone who says they watch the Superbowl just for the commercials is an asshole. Those people also probably follow KFC on Twitter. They are also lying. I know every news outlet can’t discuss sports, but the Today Show breaking down the most memorable commercials one day a year is actually pretty sad. Coke is going to do something they think is inspirational (it won’t be), Doritos and Snickers will do something stupid.

Bud Light will have guys acting dumb with naked women, monkeys and dogs – perhaps simultaneously, and Honda will try to be endearing with a high probability of a smug dad. Unless it is all Kobe System commercials. Those are Awesome. You’re Welcome.

The Game:

Football only really happens in the first three quarters. After that the winning team is usually milking the clock and slowing everything down. The Championship games this year were good. Hopefully the Super Bowl is too. If someone is up by 14 going into the fourth quarter…the game is probably over. Sorry.

So enjoy the Super Bowl this weekend. Party is at my crib this year, so I can get fully loaded in the comfort of my home. Go Pats! (Before you get mad Giants fans, I am always wrong with my game predictions. I went 1-4 in the Conference Semifinals.)

-Brock

 

The Greatest NY Post Cover Ever…Return of the Jet-I

That. Is.  Spectacular.

Who are they jabbing here?  Rex Ryan’s wife in a Princess Leia costume?  The Patriots Death Star?  Broadway Joe-da Namath? Is Rex Ryan Han Solo or Jabba the Hutt?  Why are the Jets glowing green like a bizarro version of Sho-Nuff the Shogun of Harlem?  Who the hell pitched this in the newsroom and who agreed to it?

Didn’t someone realize the Jedi…errrrrrr…Jet-I only glow after they are DEAD?  That’s not canonical!  Or if it is, that’s a bad omen!

Pats by 10.

-Brock

Karma’s a bitch: Giants are champs, Pats are not

I don’t know, maybe illegally videotaping your opponent, rocking that ridiculous hoodie all the time, stealing people’s wives and putting them in pimp houses in Brooklyn, never being honest on your injury reports, mumbling with a stoned grill through all your press conferences and running up the score on your opponents this year thereby giving Brock and unwarranted and unnatural upgrade at Fantasy QB wasn’t such a good idea after all.

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It’s called Karma my nilla and now it came to bite you in the azz! Oh yeah, you got what you deserved tonight, that we know. The Giants won and pretty much everyone outside the 617 was happy as a result. I wonder what Mercury Morris will have in store for all of us tomorrow.

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You know those ESPN executives are on the phone with that cat right now checking out those flights on Orbitz because they need homey on set to run some post Non Perfect Season smack on the Patriots. Let me just give yall a sample of the kind of smack this cat runs.

Hilarious. As I said before, homey needs to be a regular feature on ESPN’s NFL coverage. He’s great.

Anyway, I don’t want to rub anyone’s face in it, but this thing went about as it should have. Again, Karma is a muthafucka and the Patriots have been assholes all year long. Their coach is a complete dick and hey, even Tom Brady got a little dirt under his nails.

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Oh and you can stop those “Tom Brady is the best Quarterback of all time” statements any time now. Tom was not sharp today.

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Sure, he was bothered by the Giants’ pass rush, but this is the NFL.

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He missed a number of key throws to Randy Moss and just wasn’t able to execute when he did have the passing lanes. Cats ride his jock when they win, so they might as well kick him in the nuts now that they lost. Oh and how happy do you think Bridget Moynahan is right now?

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You know she’s got little Tommy dressed up in a Eli Manning alternate Red Jersey just making it rain (with Tom’s child support money) on the little guy like confetti after the game.

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Damn T, I think you’re an all right guy but you kind of deserved what you got. It’s all good though, you’re the man with three rings already and you’ve got years ahead of you. Make it right homes.

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Congrats to the Giants. I didn’t need Plaxico’s waterworks at the end, but hey, cats were talking shit when he guaranteed victory and said the Pats would only score 17 points. Hell, even the humble Tommy B. responded to Plax by saying 1. “Is Plax going to play defense” and 2. “give us a little credit”… sheeyut, seems to me he gave yall too much credit since you only mustered up 14 points.

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Given that Plax can’t speak on the topic right now, I’ll do it for him. AND DEN WHAT?!

Finally, how silly does THIS cat look right now?

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Damn son, put some clothes on. Ok, how about now?

Anyway, Tiki looks like a real clown right now. I mean, he left the team talking all that “I have other opportunities” and as soon as his ass leaves the Giants start manning up and playing as a team. Sad to say, but both he and Jeremy Shockey were quietly more a part of the problem than the solution. All this talk about Shockey being a “premier” tight end. Really? I can’t tell on the field. Anyway, Tiki and his brother Rhonde look really silly right now.

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Michael Vick aint got shit on these two cats. Lol, look at the dog… If he could talk he’d definitely be yelling “Yelp!” (Scooby).

I mean, it’s almost like Tiki lost a championship more than the Giants won it without him. Pretty terrible. Congrats to the fellas… Fire up that “Ballin” song one last time.

- Lake

Belichick is AP Coach of the Year

Bill Belicheat was named the 2007 Associated Press Coach of the Year today.

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Congrats from UvT. We were definitely pulling for you. Let me get this straight. This is a cheater.

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This is not:

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I love the highly ethical, consistent and completely unbiased media members. I guess it pays to have some homies to spread the blame errr cloud the issue errr get your back.

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I know, I know, Belichick is just misunderstood. I know. Keep up the good work Bill. Who knows, maybe you can get with your boy Dubyah are run for public office. Belicheat in 2008!!!

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- Lake

Belicheat to NFL: I’m so hood…

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If any of you saw last night’s game you know what this post is about. I was watching the game last night and as the Patriots were making that last drive all I can think of is how Bill Belichick needs to make his own version of one of the hottest songs out now, I’m so Hood Remix. Yall know the intro where T Pain hypes up the song with all the ways he’s hood. Funny, I always that he was more prison bitch hood if anything, but who knows. I guess he laid the song down flat and the joint is hot so I shouldn’t hate too much. Anyway, this is Bill’s intro to the very same song and as always, you must listen to the song, linked below, first in order to get the joke:

I’m so Hood (Remix) by Billy the Cheat aka Bill Belichick feat. Tom Brady, Randy Moss, some dude’s wife/Bill’s new girl and a high definition video camera

I’m soooo Hood (Listen)
I wear these wrinkled khakis up on my waist
I got this ice grille all on my face
cuz yall reporterz is planning to hate (I rock a HOOD)

And I got yo wife up at my house
Akinyele blaring out,
you know what I’m talking about (I bout dis HOOD-OD)
And and all my Pats fans won’t ya stand up (my Pats iz Hood-od)
my hood assistance pick that footage up
I don’t care what yall be talkin’ bout,
if you aint feelin Billy go home n pout it -ou-ou-out
16-0 iz bout dis-HOOD!!!!

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The Pats just barely edged by the Baltimore Ravens last night as a result of a series of timeouts, penalties, suspect calls and timely plays made by Tom Brady and the New England receivers. The game was kind of crazy. You’re sitting there watching it saying to yourself, “huh, the Ravens are actually in this game” to “man, the Ravens have a chance” to “wow, the Ravens are about to really beat these cats” to “muthafucka, the Hood master himself, Billy Beli-Cheat done gotten over on the league again, I can’t wait to hear his evasive mumbling and grumbling answers in the presser.”

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You know what’s hilarious? You often have to look for “bad” pictures of cats to make your point, but in the case of B-Cheat, ALL his pics look like this.

True to form, Bill was a m*therfucker after the game, being the exact asshole that we thought he was.

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Shoot, even Tom Brady was a bit of a jerk at the end of the game. He didn’t take too kindly to the notion that they “got all the calls at the end,” a question one of the reporters asked him. I’ve never heard Tom ice down a reporter like that though. I mean, he really fired back at him “you tell me if we got them, I get fined if I talk about.. yeah and earlier in the game, we didn’t get the calls dickhead”. Ok, the “dickhead” was added in by me, but that’s what he meant.

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I guess having a baby out of wedlock and getting busted for cheating will make a dude get a lil prickly. Hey, I still like Tom though. He’s a good cat and he’s dead nice at throwing the pill. When he ran for that first down on 4th and 6, after missing it twice before, that was ballsy. Homey has the heart of a lion, will of a champion…oh and he’s got Gisele so you can only hate so much.

Anyway, the story remains the same.

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Just when you think hated front-runners are gonna finally get what’s coming to them, Belichick gets over on the league and does it in true asshole fashion. I can’t lie… I wanted B-more to win, but you just got to root for Evil on some level, too.

One thing is for sure, Bill Belichick aka The Hoody aka Beli-cheat is so damn hood. And speaking of being so damn hood, is DJ Khaled that damn hood that it’s suddenly ok for him to be running around yelling the N-word like he’s on set of the Chris Rock Show or something?

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(You better be hood fool)

I mean, he didn’t just say it a little bit, he really went at it. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t see nary a trace of Sub Saharan African in that cat… I’m sure his boys are good with it, but he best watch his back. You best be that hood before some civilized suited up corporate black man sets you straight about the rules for who can and cannot say what to who.

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Damn, sorry, now THAT was hood. Late.

- Lake

New England Patriots: Best Team Ever?

What are they putting in the water in Massachusetts?  First the Red Sox turn it up in the playoffs to win the World Series.  The Celtics are dragging everyone early with the new Big 3.  But these New England Patriots are putting on the best show the NFL has seen in years.  Brady just stands in the pocket waiting to pick people apart.  Randy Moss is looking like the player everyone thought he was when he was drafted.  The defense is crushing people.  No gimmicks, no flash, they are just beating the hell out of every team that gets put in front of them.

Vader Belichick

You think this guy has a chip on his shoulder?  How do you get to the cut off sweatshirt anyway?  Does it mean you are too hot or too cold?  Seriously, if is like a t-shirt made out of that thick ass sweatshirt material.  They don’t sell those for a reason.  If you don’t want sleeves, go to the regular T.  If you need to be warm, go with the sweatshirt.  There are actual options between the two.  The long sleeve T for instance, the sweater vest, those terrible windbreakers, a members only jacket.  I mean he is one more cut away from looking like one of those cats in the gym that wear zubaz pants.

Anyway, the Patriots are about to make the NFL drop in a mercy rule.  They won 56-10 last night.  They’ve averaged more than 40 points per game.  Brady has 38 touchdowns so far, projected for 61.  Payton had 49 a few seasons ago.  Brady has 6 games left, but the way he’s passing he’ll have it by halftime on December 9th.  And after Don Shula was talking all that shit, what do you think they are going to do to the Dolphins (going for their own special kind of perfect season this year) on December 23?

With all the success in Boston, what would happen if the teams all started working together to form some kind of super team?

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Forget it, that’s just ridiculous.

-Brock