This was on Tyler’s show Loiter Squad. The kid pretty much nailed it. [Read more...]
Last week, I wrote an entire post about the greatest YouTube video I had ever seen. The reign of Mike Tyson will only last one week because some Korean rapper named PSY has already outdone it.
WARNING: There is absolutely not a single word in this song you will understand unless you are one of my Korean fans. You two know who you are. SURPRISE BONUS: Music truly knows no language. You will know exactly what is going on here. Enjoy. Don’t play yourself and turn it off early either, he rocks from start to end.
Let’s break it down in UvT vision, shall we?
0:10 Yeah, I thought he was saying “Open Condom style” too.
0:20 I thought the little kid dancing was the greatest thing ever until PSY broke out that perfectly executed Triple H style water spray in the background.
0:35 That dance would be completely ridiculous if he didn’t have so much confidence. No I don’t know why trash is flying around either.
0:39 Why do I get the feeling he didn’t tell those chicks it was going to snow?
0:55 That girl in the converse shoes is kinda thick. My bad.
0:58 If a dude in the sauna ever starts to pop and lock, feel free to get the fuck out of there as soon as possible.
1:09 Explosion! Unnecessary. But also not fake there is legitimately stuff burning in the background back there.
1:11 Wasn’t that dance in the Will Smith Wild Wild West video? (cued up for your viewing pleasure. Sisqo was on that track? Wow)
1:26 That dance has never appeared anywhere ever. Yet it is still the greatest dance I’ve ever seen. I don’t know why were are horses in the shot, but they make it feel classy.
1:37 Gotta appreciate an ass shot of a chick with no ass. Complete with rewind like she’s a member of the Official Twerk Team.
1:42 Awwwww shit, dance battle! Nice kicks.
1:55 How long to you have to be pumping in an elevator before the door opens mere inches above a dudes head to ensure you are pumping when the doors open? Also…socks and sandals…aaaaand that green shirt might be a dress. I’ll assume that’s Korean humor.
2:12 Even NFL Rookies on draft day think that shirt has too many buttons.
2:23 What you gonna do about that Hammer?
2:48 Sorry I actually got up and did that little shuffle dance. By myself. At the crib.
3:20 Bollywood style!
3:44 Awwww, you thought it was over? IT AIN’T OVER!
3:58 That final shuffle kills the game.
I’m worn out after that one. Downloading Gangnam Style for the UvT windows up playlist immediately.
Snoop Dogg, rap legend. One of the greatest rappers of all time. He’s been consistant since Deep Cover. I gave him a pass when he pressed his hair out. I’m willing to pretend his whole “No Limit” era didn’t exist. But Snoop has finally pushed me too far.
Snoop Dogg has officially changed his name to Snoop Lion. He’ s officially given up rap for reggae music.
That’s right, so crazy only a UvT throwback pic properly captures my feelings of disgust for this announcement. You want to know when you’ve smoked too much weed? When you actually smoke so much you become a reggae artist. It’s only happened this once, so maybe Snoop has smoked more weed than anyone else in the world.Doesn’t Snoop know that no one actually buys reggae music. Doesn’t he know the only people who like reggae music are people who smoke weed and college students who want to seem intellectual in different because they listen music with semi-political lyrics…while they smoke weed?
Even more offensive, his first single.
Oh shit. Snoop is on some old DaVinci Code stuff. He left us everything we needed to see this change coming. Why didn’t we all see it? He was wearing the same shitty knit cap everyone who has ever vacationed in Jamaica bought at the airport in the video. I guess we’re lucky he’s not rocking the version with the yarn dreadlocks. I guess that would have been too obvious.
Snoop, please let this little trend last…ohhhhh…let’s say one song. I think that would be enough.
I was looking through my hilarious archives, (Like THIS joint. That’s just good life advice) and realized that we used to do a lot of TV show reviews on the site. I stopped doing it, but I still watch a LOT of damn tv, so I decided to bring it back. Then I realized, I don’t actually watch the shows people care about. Lake used to watch those soft ass shows that people want to discuss. So I’m starting something new. Reviews of shows I don’t actually watch.
Let’s start with the Voice.
I only know three out of those four people, one only in name. But it does remind me that C-Lo used to be in Goodie Mob, which was a really great, thugged out ATL group.
No sequins there. Although those shorts are pretty fashionably adventurous for a rap group when C-Lo assumes that stance.
So the Voice is a show where the judges face backward while someone sings. They are judging the singer only by their voice, not by what they look like. So the judges create teams by sound, so they might end up with someone who might not look like a star but may sound like one. Just like when you are lost and driving your car, apparently you can only listen when you concentrate really hard as opposed to when you normally listen. You’ve got to squint and strain to make sure you can hear.
The funny thing is this would be a great concept if they let it play all the way out. Imagine how big of a finale they would have if you really judged just one voice for the entire season and didn’t get to see them until you picked a finalist then had to work with it. THAT would be a challenge. Instead, as soon as they get past the first round it basically turns into American Idol with teams, also known as X-Factor. (Which I also don’t watch).
The crazy thing is that the teams end up being pretty obvious. If you are a rocker, you pick Adam. Country, Blake. If you can really sing big, you go with Christina. And if you are crazy nut job, you go with C-Lo.
Aren’t these shows all the same? Isn’t someone the mean one like Simon Cowell if Simon Cowell isn’t available? How many of these shows do we really need. Can we really find four completely unknown singers a year and pretend like they are going to be stars? Actually that doesn’t even matter. I’m completely down with the show. Why? Because it allows C-Lo to do this.
Any show where the producer approves C-Lo to stroke a white fuzzy cat in every interview as if he is plotting to take over the world is okay with me. He looks so serious about it too. Actually, I think the cat actually looks more serious than he does. In fact, maybe the cat is the mean judge, and C-Lo is just his pawn, controlled by telepathy.
So without watching this show, I’m able to determine it is about an evil cat who is trying to take over the world using C-Lo as his pawn. If someone can confirm that for me, I’ll watch it.
This is fun. I need to not watch a few more shows.
I love music. I listen to music all day. There is one thing that as always bothered me. Especially when it comes to rap music. The people who talk about “Real Hip Hop”.
I went on a full blown Twitter Rant about it yesterday. I hate “Real Hip Hop” dude. Here’s why. Why the hell are you going around talking about what other people are listening to. It’s music. It’s art. It’s subjective. Can anyone tell me where the line is where you cross into “Real Hip Hop”?
Real Hip Hop falls into two big categories:
Stuff that kinds sounds like it came from Africa:
From my experience, you can be Real Hip Hop if you include any of the following words and phrases. Black Queen. Africa. Logical. Chinchilla. Artist. Poetry. Consciousness. Any reference to ancient Egypt. Astronomy. Nubian Sunrise. Slavery. Magnets. Blackberry Pie. 3rd Eyes. Alternate dimensions. Women NOT being bitches. Incense. Patchouli. Rhyme “aggressive” and “effective” with “eclectic”.
Sure, I’ve never had triple beam dreams, but I’ve never taken a slide down the side of moonlight with a black queen either. Give me a break.
Old shit: Just because something is old, it doesn’t mean it is good. Lyrics have evolved since then. You know how rap in commercials is really bad? You know those tracksuit wearing hamsters in that Kia Commercial? You know how everyone who doesn’t listen to rap thinks rap is still this dude?
The simple rhyme schemes, a track suit, and those cliche hand movements? That’s what Real Hip Hop used to look like.
Don’t get me wrong. Run was lyrically on the next level, people weren’t appreciating what he was doing and he still has lyrics. But I don’t want to listen to a cat who still makes songs that sound like they are from 1980 just like I’m not about to step out of my house in a Raiders starter jacket and a thick gold chain. Things have evolved.
Here is the bottom line for me.
I don’t give a damn how “real” it is. I don’t want to listen to KRS-1.
I said it.
There is some music that is repetitive and is just a beat and a hook, but if people like it and it makes the Twerk team shake it in front of that mirror it is all good. It’s good for something. These days, your realness is based on your longevity. Drop a hot album and you are real enough for me.
In fact, I can’t even have a conversation about music without hitting up my man @Catf1sh. He’s my favorite dude on twitter and knows his music cold. Here’s his take. (Words by him, pictures by me)
I hate hate HATE the “real hip hop” conversation. You meet someone out and about while listening to music and they ask you “What are you listening to?” Then when you tell them they try to one up you by saying “Yeah, I’m listening to the latest album from Pharoahe Monche. Have you heard that new Definitive Jux LP? It’s real hip hop man”. You deciding what is real hip hop and what I should listen to is like deciding what is a real woman and what kind of woman I should be dating. If she’s over 18, it’s consensual, and she has a functional vagina, pretty much any woman is fair game. It just depends on how I’m feeling at the time. Or as I like to call it, “mood music”.
To most people, real hip hop is synonymous with artists like Talib Kweli and AZ. That boom bap sound from New York and lyricism. The problem with that argument is that artists like OutKast and Eminem completely took the idea of real hip hop and turned it upside down and recreated something completely different. Is Tanya Morgan real hip hop? Is T.I. real hip hop? What about Big KRIT? Or Asher Roth? What about Curren$y? Or Lil Wayne? Joe Budden? Big Sean? Busta Rhymes?
What about Fat Busta Rhymes?
I think the biggest problem is that the sound of hip hop music has evolved but not the fanbase. The people who champion for “real hip hop” are either old enough to remember when hip hop first started or trying really hard to be “anti the establishment of mainstream rap music”. It’s 2012. 99% of this country has high speed internet, which means that you aren’t tied to your boundaries geographically. It also means that you can find hip hop that you like to listen to, which then becomes real hip hop to you. It’s crazy to think that a rapper from Houston like Kirko Bangz can drop a record and kids in Hawaii and Toronto can listen to it at the same time and claim it as their own. Who is to tell them that what they listen to isn’t real hip hop?
(That’s Kirko Bangs. I didn’t know who he was…but I do like Drank in My Cup so he is cool with me -Brock)
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been to a party playing music and some dude will come up and ask me “Yo, you got any hip hop? Can you play some MF Doom?” Man, we’re at a party right now. If it doesn’t get chicks dancing I’m not playing it. I don’t care how dope the rhyme schemes are. Where are your priorities? That definitely reeks of Team Them. You’re probably the type of person to go online and “dislike a party before it even happens”. In this instance, would Travis Porter be real hip hop?
I feel like all music has a time and purpose. If I’m studying I might wanna listen to some J. Cole. If I’m riding to the club, I might wanna listen to Juicy J. if I’m just chilling out and playing video games I might wanna listen to Starlito. I might ride into work listening to Skyzoo. Is French Montana real hip hop? Who cares, as long as the listener enjoys it.
The moral of the story is that real hip hop is dead. There’s no such thing as real hip hop, because that would imply that there’s a fake hip hop. And not the Rick Ross fake. Rap means so much to so many different people. If you stopped trying to put things in boxes you might stumble across some dope music that you weren’t expecting. And then it becomes real to you.
I’ve been thinking about this for a while. I have a gang of people who follow me on Twitter who are rappers trying to get me to listen to their music. I’m pretty sure I’ve never listened to a single solitary track. So I finally decided to give them what they want.
I’m having a UvT Rap Battle. Here are the basic rules. 8 men (or women) enter, 1 man leaves. We are going to run a tournament on the site with the best tracks of these 8 rappers and the winner gets a full post talking about their music, they will be New Rapper of the Year at the end of the year on UvT, and we will link up all their stuff.
But there’s a catch. If we are gonna find out who is Team Us, you know we’ve gotta also find Team Them. So the person who comes in LAST PLACE. The loser of all losers will be forced to retire. Shut down the website, stop sending out music on Twitter. All that. You know how American Idol has people who somehow don’t know they suck until they embarrass themselves and their family on national TV. Well I’m going to save one person from that fate here. Call it a public service.
No battle raps, just hit me with links to your best stuff. You tube preferred.
My boy Catfish from Eat Cereal With Water (and who also has the best twitter feed out) is helping me pull the field together. I think we already have the slots half full. Send people my way @uvtblog on twitter and let’s get it going. Tag it with #UvTRapBattle so we can all track it.
Rick Perry can’t catch a break. Two weeks ago he went all Miss Teen South Carolina in a debate as he tried to talk about Mitt Romney’s record. This week we find out he and his father rented a hunting ranch in Texas called “Niggerhead”.
I know! Shocking. Stunning. I can just imagine Rick Perry’s staff sitting down with him last week and saying, “Now Rick, when we said is there anything in your past that might come up later that will surprise people, THIS is exactly what we were talking about.”
I’m thinking, there are a few people on Rick Perry’s staff that are a little disappointed that they spent the last several months wasting their time and resources on a guy who can’t speak whole sentences in debates and used to hunt in the most comically racist sounding location in America. Like seriously, if I had joked about Rick Perry hunting on a ranch in Texas called Niggerhead, you would have thought it was a joke. In fact, the name of that ranch is so absurd, that I want to make up a more absurd name as a joke to show you just how crazy it is and I literally can not think of a name more ridiculous.
I should have seen this coming. You know what, I’m actually disappointed in myself. I’ve developed a racism detector over an entire lifetime and I just forgot the most basic rules.
Rule #1: All old guys over the age of 80 are racist. You can’t blame them, they actually lived through the actual time when all the rules on race changed. It wasn’t that long ago and they are scarred for the rest of their lives.
Gun totin’ Texans posing for pictures next to cowboy boots complete with spurs are probably racist. It’s right there in the freaking rulebook. The world has gotten so diverse we forget the basics. From the look of this picture, Rick Perry is either yelling “Whooooo” or “Yeeeeeee-Hawwwww”.
Rule #3: People who yell “whoooo” or “Yee-Haw” are racist.
The crazy thing is that Rick Perry isn’t the only racist that we should have known was racist that went off the edge this week.
Do I love football so much that I let Hank Williams Jr., an official gee-tar totin’ country music singin good ol boy lull me into believing that he wasn’t racist? Dammit. I’m slippin’. Hank Williams Jr. was on the radio and called the golf game between John Boehner and Barack Obama to a meeting between Hitler and Netanyahu. First of all, points for knowing who Netanyahu is. Second, he just compared the American President to Hitler. I know, I know, it was just an example of two people who were opposite, and what can possibly be more opposite than Hitler and the Prime Minister of Israel? Because there is no better way to get your point across than to remind people that Hitler really didn’t like Jewish people. Is anyone surprised that Hank Williams Jr. isn’t so cool with the fact that we have a Black President? Does that shock you?
Hey Hank. You’ve been singing the same song for 20 years. There are only 32 teams in the league. No one even knows what the words are. “Are you ready for some FootBawwww? It’s a AFC Partaaaaaay! We got me and Lee and Samanamadit-dit-dee Startaaaaay.” 20 years? If you invent the cure for cancer tomorrow your patent on the drug wouldn’t last as long as Hank Williams Jr. has been on the Monday Night Football gravy train. Name one other Hank Williams Jr. song…Anyone? No? Well I just looked it up and he wrote a song in 1988 called “If the South Woulda Won”. I’m not even gonna look up the lyrics because I’m pretty sure it might piss me off more. I say all that to say this. We shoulda known.
You know who else is racist?
Yup. Gun totin, mustache wearin’, outlaw with a cowboy hat. All the signs are there. Just a warning, my racism meter is turned all the way up now. I’m not getting caught flat-footed again.
You know I’m always down to give new voices some shine in Us Versus Them. My little homey Mike Lawry wanted to get in on UvT, so we do it how we always do it. Throw him in the deep end. We’ve had guest posts…Slick Jefferson, Triple B, Catf1sh and Evan Markert. We had the short careers of Bichon Wheels and Wall Street Rex. At this point, the homey Lake feels like a guest poster. My boy Mike comes out swinging though. We’ll see how long he lasts. Show him some love.
I’m a little salty today. So I just got off the phone with my mom, who once again was trying to convince me that it’s not her fault I’m as messed up as I am. A debate we’ve been having and she’s been losing for 5 years now. Bad enough that I’m the only mulatto on the planet who can pass for either black or white, and at the same time, neither. Well, that’s not true..
AUSTIN RIVERS…AIN’T GOT NOTHIN’… ON ME!!!
It wasn’t bad enough that she was a hippie that would feed me the Good Night Brownies when I wouldn’t go to sleep. Or that my dad is an ex Black Panther Party leader most famous for ending a town hall meeting with, “I’m tired of The Man holding me down! The Man hates anyone who looks like me!! A black man! So why stay here?! I’m gone, Jack! Don’t want nothing to do with The Man!!! Come on Penelope, we leaving!!!!”
What messed me up was 80′s music. My friend’s parents played classical music for them as babies to inspire their inner genius. This was the bs they fed me.
Now let me get this straight. “She’s just 16 years old, leave her alone they saaaaaaaay”. The 80′s might have been the only time that an admitted pedophile can make a song where he’s angry that “they” are telling him to leave her alone. smh. Let’s continue. “Seeeeeeparated by fools, who don’t know what love isssssss yet.” Those “fools” would be the police. And they don’t know what love is….yet. OK. “If I could fly, I’d pick you up. I’d take you into the night and show you a love like you’ve never seen, ever seeeeeen” Keep this douche bag away from your daughter!!!!!! This was a number one hit! He should’ve been thrown in jail, forced to clean Deebo’s draws for 20 years.
just as bad…
OK. Where do I start? How about the title? “We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off”.
Dude are you freakin’ kidding me??? This has to go down as the number one song to NEVER play while on a date. EVER. And the lyrics, (my thoughts in parentheses)….
Not a word, from your lips
You just took for granted that I want to skinny dip. (Skinny dip? Not what I was thinking but great idea!)
A quick hit, that’s your game. (Yes!)
But I’m not a piece of meat, stimulate my brain. (HAHAHA!! “Stimulate my brain” Exactly what I’m looking for)
Take my hand, let’s hit the floor.
Shake our bodies to the music.
Maybe then you’ll score. (That’s better. But if I get forced to the dance floor, scoring better not be a possibility, it better be an eventuality)
So come on baby, won’t you show some class (Not too much)
Why you want to move so fast? (……)
We don’t have to take our clothes off (downhill from here)
To have a good time
We could dance & party all night
And drink some cherry wine (YAHTZEE!!!!!)
That terrible Pepe Le Pew Wee Wee Bon Bons and Chit Picasso hat was a disaster! Did you see how hot the chick was??? Her face looked like 20 strawberry cupcakes with delicious sweet icing on top. Look. Dude, you’re gay. And its ok. I’m all about live and let live. But don’t mess it up for the rest of us who are on the same page when we go out!! How about this trade. I vote that you can get married and have every right available, and you never make another song that ruins..well, just never make another song. Period.
I hate the 80′s. I can’t imagine Lil Wayne and those guys singing love songs full of sweet nothings. Oh dam, actually…
- Mike Lawry, throwing salt on the game. Out!