You know I’ve got to get things off of my chest everyone once in a while. This is a big one. Who are these people who drop a deuce in public like that is just okay?
Here’s an update…It’s not okay.
Hey, I’m not saying you can’t go handle your business if the urge hits you. By all means. We don’t need you backing up the pipeline groundhogging your way through the workday. I’m just saying, there is protocol involved here.
Okay, let’s talk about this in another context so you can feel me on this one. When you are drinking at a work function, you need to keep it tight. Drink limit, go for the beer or wine, keep the drink in the left so you can shake with the right, get your small talk game tight.
Sure, you know you could get loose, but you know you’ve got to keep it tight. You’re in public. Now, when you are on your personal time and around your people you can do it like this:
Break out the double beer bong and get loose. You’re at the crib, do it however you want to do it.
Got it?
It should be the same thing with shitting in the office.
Rule #1: You shouldn’t have to take a shit before 11 am. That means you should have handled the business at the house before you got to work. Who is the guy that rolls in there every morning at 9:05am? That’s just wrong.
Rule #2: You need to be in and out. I don’t want to see you walking back there with a newspaper, or a three page report, or the numbers from last month, you need to stay focused.
Rule #3: Courtesy Flush. Thanks.
Rule #4: Correction. You shouldn’t need a courtesy flush. Once you get to that point you need to be wrapping it up.
Rule #5: Keep the noises to a minimum. You know I’m in there. Please ease up on the grunts, machine gun ass noises, and the massive splashitees.
Rule #6: Pants should be kept at knee level. Don’t hit cats with the full monty with the pants around the ankles, draws fully exposed under the door. Completely unnecessary.
Rule #7: Like Biggie said, should’ve been Rule #1 for me. Wash your damn hands. (Ten Crack Commandments! Ha! These are now the Seven Ass Crack Commandments)
If you are at the crib, by all means, break out the novel, walk in there buck naked. Do you.
Look, I’m’ not going to lie. Sometimes you just can’t avoid it. I was out in Vegas with the fellas one weekend. You know I’m an east coast dude, so I was a few hours off my schedule. Not to mention the fact that I was on that steak, coffee, Goose, stripper, Fatburger and beer diet. So I was in Tryst, balling in the VIP with the fellas, watching the “amateurs” work the stripper pole, when I felt a gurgle. The time was not now, but right now. I HATE going in public, but I had no choice.
I roll to the bathroom, and wouldn’t you know it…unisex. Complete with a long ass line, bathroom monitors, and long about 20 places you could do work. The fellas who need to piss are in and out as there are urinals on the right. The ladies have to wait for the stalls…longer line. So I finally make it to the front and the bathroom manager tries to wave me to the right. I shake him off like a pitcher on the mound. I was like naaaaaaah player…I’m gonna wait for that left hand side.
How do you become a bathroom attendant anyway?
So I break to the left and drop the wildest deuce of all time. I mean no business here, I’m talking think you’re done, but you ain’t done, triple courtesy flush type action. I’m glad the music was pumping out front because your boy Brock was coming out feel ’bout ten pounds lighter.
I was good to go for the rest of the night though. You hate it going in, but I damn near jumped up and clicked my heels together coming back out.
So remember the rules and you and I might be able to get along.
Clay Davis, what you gotta say about that? You think I committed a major crime against humanity?
-Brock