I’ll keep this brief. Dwyane…this is unacceptable.
Now that football season is over, I’ve turned my attention to the NBA. I started paying attention when I saw this story cross the wire. Remember Greg Oden? The guy who got picked number one over Kevin Durant? The guy who has played about as many NBA games as me since then because his bones are made of Jolly Ranchers and wicker? Apparently there are real squads looking at trying to pick Oden up for the rest of the season. The Heat, the Celtics, they are all trying to give him workouts to see if he can make the squad.
I don’t know who will land him. I don’t know what he will contribute. But I know what I’ll call him.
There’s no way this is working out, but it is a proof that the most valuable thing in the NBA is the extra two inches between 6’10″ and 7’0″. Because there is no good reason for anyone to be looking for Greg Oden right now.
If Greg Oden signs prepare for a tinkling sound in 5…4…3…2…
LeBron James finally got a Championship.
I’m glad no one can talk about him in the Fourth Quarter, saying he has No Ring, all of that. All we have left is his hairline people. If he shaves his head, we won’t even have that. Wait, no one is going to bring up the fact this was a short season are they? Does he need to get one in a 82 game season? That’s just hatin. I know people are going to try to hit him with a baby asterisk though.
If you want to talk about someone let’s focus on Chris Bosh. Now I know he is having a moment of pure happiness right now, but I’m sure he’s going to regret this one in the morning.
Oh man. The photoshoppers are going to have fun with that one.
You know what? I’m still gonna have fun with it. It is even worse in full motion.
I’m looking forward to seeing LeBron play without the monkey on his back though. I don’t think he’ s gonna relax and fall off.
Sorry for the short post. Working on UvT backshop business. More information next week. More surprises and big news for TeamUs.
It’s Friday, but I can’t let this wait until Monday. LeBron James and the Heat got BEAT THE HELL DOWN by the Indiana Pacers. Yeah, the Pacers. In Indiana. Who haven’t been good since…they’ve never actually been that good. Sure Reggie Miller won em a bunch of games, but I’m pretty sure it was negotiated during the lockout that the Pacers suck. It is right there in the CBA. I guess they didn’t get the memo, because they are manhandling the Miami Heat right now.
That’s the other thing. LeBron is the MVP. Wade is the closer. And according to my archives and the internet, Chris Bosh is soft. Yet, the Miami Heat are completely falling apart without Bosh. Everyone was calling Chris Bosh the third wheel. He was the disposable part. He’s ridiculous, he thinks this is a sign of aggression.
That’s a sign of something…you know what, I immediately regret putting up that picture. It’s kinda freaking me out. It’s weird. But I guess that weirdness works because the Heat look helpless without him.
To add insult to injury, the Pacers are doing it in full corny midwestern style, complete with fully outdated slogan.
Gold Swagger? Really? They handed out t-shirts that say “gold swagger” to 18,000 white people tonight? Do you know how long it is going to take before those rotate out of circulation? The Miami Heat are favorites to make it to the finals, they can’t get beat by a team who has “gold swagger” as their slogan. That would never be removed from LeBron’s legacy.
LeBron, Man Up and win this damn thing yourself. If you lose to the Celtics, Lakers, Thunder, or Spurs you can get away with blaming it on being a man down. But not the Pacers. You should be able to beat them by yourself.
Man Up. Don’t make me have to talk to you again on Monday.
I’m working on another Man Up Monday article, but I couldn’t let this one go. It came in on a tip from the homey Turd Ferguson on the Facebook page. (That’s right, we’re everywhere) Why don’t you hit the page and hit me with a like? (http://www.facebook.com/UsvThem) It will make your whole life better. While you’re at it, hit up Turd Ferguson on his site by going to the link on the right, or clicking here.
Anyway, Yesterday on the way to the game LeBron James decided this was a good idea.
Here’s my thing. Women carry purses because they have a bunch of little stuff they need to have around. Mirrors, lipstick, makeup, crumpled up tissues, a piece of gum, about a billion of those club cards, keys to some shit they haven’t tried to open in 4 years, a safety pin, and a stain stick. That’s why they can’t find their phone when it rings even though it lights up and is in a space the equivalent to the size of a gallon ziplock bag.
Anyway, there is nothing a man carries that is the size to fit into a purse. We need a wallet (No George Costanza), a phone and the key to your car and the key to your house. If you need more than that, you’re going away for the weekend and you need the bag Dwyane is carrying. LeBron is rocking a purse that matches his belt. Which implies he has a selection of bags at the crib. In fact, that purse is so ridiculous that I’m not even talking about the fact that Dwyane is wearing white skinny pants and some high fashion Under Armour. I’m not even talking about that.
LeBron, Man Up and get yourself a man bag. Not a man bag like the murse you are rocking, a literal bag a man would carry. What you have now is not that. Step your game up.
Apparently that picture above is a fake. I was able to get a few of the interns to actually do some work today and they found the original. My bad.
The end of the NBA season is always tough for me. We are officially in what I like to call “the drought”. It is officially baseball season, there is apparently only a little bit of hockey left too. This may be the worst drought ever with the NFL lockout in full effect and no football on its way. I guess I’ll have college football to look forward to, but I just moved to the west coast and those games are gonna be coming on at 9am. As sad as that is, I have a job to do. My twitter feed started blowing up at about 8:30 Pacific last night. There was only one man who could have possibly gotten the Man Up Monday treatment this week.
LeBron, LeBron, LeBron. This is gonna sting a little bit.
LeBron James was in the discussion to be one of the greatest, if not the greatest player ever about two weeks ago. Even Scottie Pippen said so. The Heat had beat the Celtics, looked strong against Chicago and looked like they were ready to show everyone that the big three experiment was going to pay off. Instead, everything fell apart. By everything, I mean specifically, LeBron James. Dwyane Wade looked great. He was making crazy blocks, faster than everyone else on the break, stepped up when his team needed him, everything. Chris Bosh was ready. He was solid all the way through. Hitting big shots. Being a real presence on the blocks. But the King? The King was no where to be found. I don’t know what was wrong with him, but the dude just looked…regular. Average. Common. Okay. We are used to this guy dominating. There are times where he is completely unstoppable. Shooting from the outside, running to the front of the rim, stopping the other teams best player on defense. I was in the arena when LeBron James destroyed the Detroit Pistons for 48 points to launch the Cavs to the NBA Finals back in 2007. At the time I thought I was there when LeBron “turned the corner”. But apparently that still hasn’t happened. This time, he didn’t score at the end of the game, he couldn’t dribble past anyone, he couldn’t shoot from outside, and he couldn’t find a way to dominate the game. It was actually kinda sad.
It is mighty hard to be the King when you’ve never won anything. Right now I’d rather roll with Bernard King, the Burger King, some King Crab, a plate of Chicken a la King, and the King Jerry Lawler. I mean if Jason Terry was willing to get his tattoo of the Championship trophy lasered off if the Mavericks lost, LeBron should at least consider getting “Chosen 1″ burned off of his back or at least changed to something more fitting. Frozen 1. Losin 1. Option 2. Something. The guy really brought it on himself. You could see him getting nervous. You could see him cracking under the pressure. You could see that he wasn’t quite ready. He didn’t want the pressure, no one on that team wanted to take the shot other than Dwyane Wade. It was a little sad really.
The Heat wanted to be the bad boys. They wanted to be the bad guys. They wanted to be villains. They wanted to wear the black hats.
Chris still wanted to wear a brown hat, but that is beside the point. Speaking of Chris. Did everyone stick around long enough to catch this one?
Oh man, could it have been anyone else. I guess now we know who Eric Spolstra was talking about when he said they were crying in the locker room a few months ago. Chris Bosh was the locker room leader on that one. I understand that the loss of a championship is emotional. I understand you might have to rock a good man cry after that, but dropping to your knees? Having to be held up as you get wobbly legged as if you are a baby? That’s simply unacceptable.
LeBron has a lot of issues now. I actually wanted to see the guy win just to see how he would play once he got the monkey off his back. To see what it is like to play when he is completely free and not worried if he is going to be on the long list of “greatest to never win one”. I know what his lesson is going to be for next season though. No celebrations until it is over. After the Celtics series, LeBron wanted to let everyone know he was justified for going to Miami to get a Championship. In game 2, he thought he had the game locked up, but let it all go away. He can’t celebrate until he puts that trophy in the air. At this point, if he ever gets one, I fully expect a Jordan-like tears of joy celebration.
LeBron James…Man Up! You just wrote another chapter in your legacy. Unfortunately, you are cementing the fact that you can’t handle the big stage. Somehow, you went to Miami and made Dwyane Wade look bad. Everyone loves Dwyane Wade. My boy JT had the line of the night though. “If the Heat can just Dwyane Wade a little help in the off season, they should be alright next year. Haaaaa. Man, I thought last off season was bad with The Decision, but LeBron is going to have a long, long year living this one down.
By the way, a special Man Up to Dan Gilbert, the owner of the Cavaliers who sent a message to LeBron telling him there are no shortcuts in life. Hey Dan, just because the guy you hate lost, it doesn’t mean that your team doesn’t suck. I’ve had more drinks in one night than your team had wins last season. Just be quiet. Thanks.
LeBron, turn off the fake swagger. Show up. Get to work. Win some games. Stay humble. Get out of your own head when you get close. You spend too much time worried about the future and how you are going to win your next five titles before you win the first one. It is impossible to win 6 championships at once. That actually is a lot of pressure. Next year, why don’t you show up and try to win just one.
This just in, LeBron was spotted in a park playing checkers. He had to be restrained because he wouldn’t stop yelling “King Me! King Me! King Me!”.
Did you know you have to knock when you visit Lebron’s house? Yeah, even the doorbell doesn’t ring.
I’ll probably drop these all day. Why don’t you follow Us Versus Them on Twitter so you don’t miss out?
Chris Bosh decided to do a little performance art to summarize his status here at UvT. It is an amazing piece of work. He summarizes himself in a mere 20 seconds. It is a silent expression of himself and everything he has to offer.
Wait, I must let the art speak for itself.
Violation of a prohibition on Hate Speech? Really Youtube? Because someone tagged it “gay”?
—————–UPDATE to the UPDATE——————-
Can’t be stopped bitches! New link up top!
The Miami Heat are having three different seasons down in South Beach. At the beginning they weren’t quite living up to everyone’s expectations. Then they beat the hell out of Cleveland and went on a crazy win streak. Now they are on a five game losing streak and crying.
Anyone who has been following sports has heard about crying in sports over and over again for the last 48 hours, so I won’t bore you. But there is a crisis in Miami. They just lost their fifth straight game to the freaking Blazers who are missing 2 of their best players. Forget whether they have heart, or if the care about the games, or if they have the right chemistry. These dudes can’t win games right now. It really just boils down to the fact that Lebron and Wade are made to wear the white hats. They were built to be good guys. They tried on the black hats and couldn’t handle it.
I have a feeling this picture is destined to be a UvT Classic. Bron and Wade see a fail tail, the response to every come on bruh ever, See no evil, “The Heat are even bad at hide and seek”…I’ve got jokes for this all day.
Awwww, now see, with all these white hat and black hat references, Chris Bosh was feeling left out.
Fine Chris, you can wear your brown hat…and leather vest…if it makes you feel like a part of the discussion I guess that is fine. It isn’t getting you off of Team Them though. In fact, it makes it worse.