Mark Zuckerberg Got Married One Day After the Facebook IPO…What’s Half of 18 Billion?

Facebook went public last week and raised billions of dollars. Mark Zuckerberg is the founder of Facebook (although half the time I think of him, I can’t remember if this dude is the real guy or not.) So Mark has one of the biggest days in his company history and the next day he gets married. Looks super happy about it too.

That is actually what Mark Zuckerberg looks like when he is ecstatic. I get it. Most guys get nervous when they get married. I’ve broken down the reasons why in Us+Them Part I and Part II. Buy Mark up there has all of that, but also has $18 Billion on the line. That’s why the look on his face says ” I think this is a good idea”. Why the day after the IPO? He didn’t want to earn that last $10 billion on her watch? Or was he worried she would show up like, “You were only worth $8 billion when we got married. I put in on this.” I’m not sure I understand the strategy. Maybe he knew he would be at his peak on the day after the IPO. That way, if his net worth drops to $14 Billion he can say she owes him back half of what he lost.

Also not really down with his level of effort on that suit either.

Suit not tux. Come on Zuck. Step yo game up. Did you just want to look like one of the Men In Black? With all the loot you have, you would pay Will Smith, Josh Brolin and Tommy Lee Jones to make a custom version of Men In Black 4 starring you.

They would do it too.

You want to know what I can’t actually figure out. It really isn’t about Mark Zuckerberg, it is about his new wife.  She looks about as neutral about the whole thing as he does. I know, I know marriage is about love, but when you marry one of the top 40 richest dudes in the world you might as well have just won the Cy Young, the World Series and the Super Bowl all the the same year. That’s right, that shit would’ve been tough for Deion Sanders, if he was a pitcher in addition to being a cornerback and a speedy center fielder. You’ve got to beat the odds and be the best in the world all at the same time. Chick just hit a lottery bigger than all previous lotteries combined. You don’t have to stand in line for a lottery ticket and a chance at $300 Million, when you can corner  a superstar on the rise. Doesn’t she realize she can get some real life Scrooge McDuck on now?

If I had loot like that, I’d have to try swimming through money at least once. If that is a serious possibility in your life, you owe it to the world to at least break out the high-wattage smile. That girl better have made up for it when they got back to the honeymoon suite.

-Brock

Facebook Founder Mark Zuckerberg Has a Stalker: Wants a Dislike Button

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is the youngest billionaire on the planet. He was also Time’s Person of the Year for 2010 and is a real life Revenge of the Nerds story.

The unauthorized Oscar nominated movie about the creation of Facebook made him more famous than he already was, it even landed him a spot on Saturday Night Live.

Then he learned what many rich people and people who have won the lottery already know.  Crazy people will find new ways to try to spend your money.  In Zuckerberg’s case, it was a dude named Pradeep who wanted to be his new best friend.  I’m going to go ahead and assume when everyone on the planet knows you have a billion dollars, it is a pretty good idea to keep a little security around, but Pradeep figured out how to cut through all of that.  He camped out in front of the Facebook offices, he sent messages to Mark Zuckerberg and his sister, he even sent flowers and a hand written message to the Facebook founder and showed up at his house.  People are getting all freaked out by his messages, check it out.

Now see, that looks like the random ramblings of a desperate man, but we know his shit just caught up by Google translate.  Pradeep saw the Social Network and knows the early versions of Facebook were all about hooking up with the ladies.  He jumped on Facebook and is doing the Facebook version of drunk dialing on his account, he’s poking girls he doesn’t know, he hit the “like” button three times when some chick said “I am feeling :(“.  Dude just doesn’t have his game tight and wanted to get the man who can do anything on Facebook to help him out.  A shot at the ladies can make you do some crazy things.

Unfortunately for him, Zuckerberg wasn’t feeling it.  So he hit him with a restraining order, or in Facebook terms:

Or in case Pradeep didn’t get the message the first time, Mark also hit the REALLY dislike button.

The funny thing is, Mark created the worlds largest stalking platform.  Do you know how many cyberstalkers and obsessive people were created once it was possible to flip through every though, interest, photo and friend a person has?  Before the privacy settings were tightened up it was the wild, wild west out there.  Now that he’s getting stalked, he’s getting all nervous about it.  Hey Mark, dude snuck up behind you!

Just playing man, why are you so nervous?

Just shut your account down and he won’t be able to get to you.  Oh my bad, it is damn near impossible to do that.  I forgot.  You ought to fix that.

-Brock