Man Up Monday: Golf

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Dear Golf:

We’ve put up with your silly sport for long enough. No measure of “tradition” is going to convince me otherwise. No matter how you try to defend a sport that claims to be built on decorum and being a gentleman, but still allows clothes like this. No matter how many old dudes and business men you’ve convinced into thinking they are legitimately participating in a sport by riding a cart around a park for four hours, I’m finally going to call B.S. on the whole tragishamockery. Golf exposed itself this weekend at the Masters and we need to discuss it. [Read more...]

Man Up Monday: Kanye West

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Kanye West has provided some of the best moments in WTF? history. He clearly jumped to the top of the list with the incredible “George Bush doesn’t care about Black people” bomb he dropped on live TV. I think Mike Myers is still shook.

Kanye can’t even get all the words out. Has Mike Myers made a movie since then? Shrek doesn’t count. Now you know Kanye really messed up when there is a Man Up Monday, and the thing Kanye did that we are NOT talking about is THIS.

Kanye has adopted the fill on abominable snowman outfit at a concert a few weeks ago. All White after Labor day is a bold choice. The skirt/tuxedo jacket/raincoat is inspired. But when he decided to put on the yeti mask, he went too far.

The real story is that Kanye knocked up Us Versus Them favorite Kim Kardashian. Now I know Kim has her own money but didn’t Kanye actually put out a song called “Gold Digger”? Or does he never go back to listen to his old music? Look, I’m not saying Kim’s a golddigger, I’m not. But…looking at her track record, from what I know, based on public information I could get my hands on, she does not appear to be messing with no broke ni**as.  Ray J, Reggie Bush, Kris Humphries and Kanye West? She’s clearly built a financial requirement over the years. I also suspect that she’s only up for dating guys who’s names begin with the letter K. Kris and Kanye would fit in perfectly with Kris, Kim, Kourtney and Khloe.

I’m just glad Kim wasn’t around in the early 90′s because there would be a three-way sex tape with Kris Kross. It would have been filmed on an incredibly unwieldy VHS tape at the time with a gigantic camera, but I could see it happening. It’s gotta suck to date a girl where you KNOW who her last five boyfriends were. Do you even ask a chick like that what her sex number is? Look, she was married to Kris, so you know he hit it. And he’s a seven footer. Reggie Bush played in the NFL so you have to assume he wouldn’t date her for that long without getting some, and we got Ray J on tape. Everyone saw him get it. That probably cuts a lot of conversations short.

Kanye, how are you just gonna baby mama up Kim Kardashian? Don’t get me wrong…

I can see why she might be fun to hang out with, but c’mon Ye? Have you just been on too many double dates with Jay and Beyonce and felt left out? Because Kanye and Kim ain’t not Jay-Z and Beyonce.

Anyone who has followed Kanye knows the dude is a real freak. The only question is how freaky did it get? Roleplay freaky?

I could see Kanye getting Stormtrooper/Princess Leia freaky. But I think he’d go even farther than that.

Exactly. Permed out lion, white boy with some headphones, and Princess Leia freaky. That’s how Ye gets down. In a Cosby sweater no less. Hell, that might actually be what their kid looks like. A silky haired cartoon character.

Kanye, You get the Man Up award this week, and you just made the cutoff to be considered for the 2012 UvT Awards. In fact, you might already have Man Up f the Decade locked up as well. Might as well wife her up at this point. I really want to see Kanye ice grilling in the Kardashian Family Picture, just struggling to fit in. Actually, with that Yeti outfit, he already fits in.

Looking good Yeezy. Is that Kobe? I shoulda known he wasn’t going to let an all white everything pic slide without him being involved.

Kanye, Man UP!

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Manny Pacquiao

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I was watching UFC Saturday night and when the main event ended, I found out the Manny Pacquiao fight hadn’t started yet. So I flipped over there and I’m glad I did. It was one of the best fights I’ve seen in a long time. Knockdowns for both fighters, they were standing toe to toe and really going at it. Then the craziest thing happened. Pac-Man caught one of the worst knockouts I’ve ever seen. I’m talking, he’s not getting up, knocked out. I’m talking he hasn’t moved in so long I’m uncomfortable, knocked out. Where did that punch even come from, knocked out.

I’ve said this before, but getting knocked out in boxing is the worst thing that can happen in all of sport. You job is to fight. You spend all day training to fight. For 4 months, you know exactly who you are going to be fighting, you are specifically getting ready for just one person. And you do that job so badly you end up sleeping in the middle of a ring wearing nothing but a pair of shorts and high boots. Pacquiao caught that shot in close too, it wasn’t even fully extended.

That’s embarrassing.

But not as embarrassing as it got once the internet starting working its magic. They started lining Pac-Man up with some of the greatest knockouts in history. There were some wrestling classics, like this:

Or this:

Then of course the  literary classics.

And finally, the classic “My man is sleeping in the background”

It is really not okay to get knocked out like that. Once you catch a shot like that, it just becomes easier and easier for opponents to keep hitting that same button. He also just messed up any kind of Mayweather Superfight. after two losses in a row, I don’t want to see that fight at all. Floyd would really work Manny.

Manny Pacquiao needs to MAN UP. He needs to go ahead and retire to his life of politics and karaoke singing. Because it was ugly.

Pacquiao….Man Up!

-Brock

You want to know the real setup. Mitt Romney was there during the fight. Here’s his “damn you just got knocked the f out!” face.

 That’s hilarious.

 

Man Up Monday: The Undecided

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Election day is tomorrow and if you believe the polls (I don’t) things could not be tighter. The system is designed to be tight. Here is a map from Karl Rove, his job is literally to get Mitt Romney the win at any costs. Even with everything tilting his direction and the most Republican optimistic map possible.

The crazy thing is out of 50 states, 38 of them NEVER move. Those 55 electoral votes in Cali? Never moving. Same with everything from Texas to South Carolina. Not moving. That solid block of blue in the Northeast, those stay blue. Those states between Washington and Minnesota that all seem like they are nothing but plains only because I’ve never set foot in any of them? Solid red. So you can only win by so much. There is almost no such thing as a blowout.

Which brings me to my point. The political race that ends tomorrow started about two years ago. Obama has been the candidate on the Democratic side since 2008…that wasn’t going to change. Mitt Romney has basically been running for President since 2006. That’s 6 years of Romney. If you want to know who he is, you’ve had a pretty good chance to figure it out. What, you were holding out for Michelle Bachman and Herman Caine to make a comeback?

Come on. If you thought either of them were going to still be around at this point, your inability to make a decision about the President is probably the least of your problems.

Who are the Undecided? Have you just not been paying attention? Are you even planning on voting anyway? Exactly what is the tie breaker for you? Will you stand in the voting booth staring at your choices, hand hovering above the scan form like the end of some terrible movie? You’re the assholes who sit at a big table in a restaurant and still don’t know what you want to eat when the waitress comes aren’t you?

You’ve only got 24 hours left so let’s make it simple. You clearly need an unconventional method. Let’s do it by look alone.

If you feel like you would like to slide into that middle seat next to the dude with the red tie, vote Republican.

If you would feel more comfortable grabbing an empty seat in this crowd, vote Democrat.

I promise I will not make you sit next to the redhead. She looks happy though.

So Undecided, Man Up and make up your mind. I don’t actually believe you are undecided. The last debate was two weeks ago, there has been NO new information since then. Nothing is going to happen in the next day. Everyone get out and vote tomorrow though. The worst number of this whole election is that only 73% of people are registered to vote and only 64% of Americans voted. Most of the debate is about what to do with/for/about the people who are NOT voting. Imagine what could happen if those people used their vote too.

This is my first guaranteed Man Up ever. It is impossible to be undecided after tomorrow. 100% effective. You’re welcome.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Man Buys Brazilian Girl’s virginity for $780,000

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Every once in a while I’ll see someone spend money on some crazy things. Remember Marc Ecko buying the Barry Bonds record setting 756th home run ball just so he could put an asterisk on it?

He paid $752,000 for that ball. I guess that’s cool. He’s always going to be a part of the story and baseball history for that one. I hope he never runs into Barry Bonds in a dark alley though.

This one is even better though. A filmmaker ran an auction that sold off the virginity of Brazilian Catarina Migliorini for a little over $750,000. What do you even base this valuation on? There are a bunch of factors that can come to bear here. Who it the girl? I mean one night with one of the baddest chicks on the planet? Arguable, but still a long shot at $750,000. Is it impossible for you to have sex? Yeah, that number could run up pretty quickly. Is there extra weight because you get to be someone’s first? Sure, but high school guys are kicking that door in every single day. I’m not sure the rarity of those categories can get the price up this high. Let’s meet Catarina.

Our boy Jack clearly got outbid, and I’m going to assume Jack Miller is not his real name. Which brings up the point, if you’re going to go with the fake name, just go ahead and call yourself “Jack MeHoff” Right? How many chances are you gonna get to do that. We need another shot of Catarina.

Look, don’t get me wrong, she’s a 1 on the binary scale all day long. She’s sporting the classic “ASFYCSIFTF” of the Brazilian people. But three quarters of a million? That seems a little steep, especially when you consider the ground rules. The man named only “Natsu” has to take care of the act on a private plane to avoid prostitution laws (don’t understand how the air is lawless, but ok…), sex toys are not allowed (I’m gonna call that an easy rule because you best believe that if I spent $750,000 dollars, we’re gonna use MY equipment. The third is that he must use a condom.

Say what?

Now I’m all for safe sex, but if you are going to pay $750K, you can at least go raw dog. This sounds like an awful lot of money for what sounds like the worst sex ever. I’ve never been, but I’ve got it on good authority that in Brazil, for about $300 (I’m gonna call that a bargain) you can get a room full of chicks to do whatever you want. All night. The virgin part is going to be pretty questionable, but if you think about it 2 outta 3 ain’t bad.

Sex is great. But a little charisma and effort can get you to the goal line a lot easier than it is to earn $750,000. Look, unless Natsu is a super hero who can only maintain his powers through sex with virgins and he’s trying to rescue people from Hurricane Sandy and he’s actually sacrificing so he can power up and save the entire eastern seaboard, this doesn’t make a lot of sense to be. Case in point, the dude who was in the same auction went for about $3,500. That seems like an appropriate going rate to me. Let’s call it 10 to 15K if you really want to stretch it. Maybe I’m missing something? Catarina?

Nope, I’ve covered this from every angle and I’m pretty sure he over paid.

Wait BREAKING NEWS! While he was supposed to stay anonymous, we’ve got exclusive footage of the guy. He’s the one in the hat and he’s already been practicing.

I’m not sure the $750,000 is going to be worth it to Catarina. She’s might not make the whole plane ride with that dude.

Dear Natsu and anyone willing to pay $750,000 for sex. Man Up! Hit the streets and step your game up. It’s sad,  just sad.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: The Uppercut Heard Round The World

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I got this video so many times at the end of last week I just stopped opening the links. It is a video off a bus driver who just can’t take it anymore when a girl starts talking a little too much and decides to take measures into his own hands.

Before we get to it, let’s review one of the main issues with society today. With all the talk of jobs, economy, gas prices, accountability and innovation, there is one fundamental rule that has been forgotten. People have forgotten that if you talk too much shit, you might get knocked the fuck out. Now I’m all for equality, and I believe you should never, ever hit a woman, but women need to remember how to act like a lady if you want to get treated like a lady. This chick is not a lady.

http://youtu.be/xMZu8It7NfQ

I don’t know how that fight started, but it sure ended quickly. I’ve never even seen a boxer throw an opening uppercut. That bus driver decided it was time to throw a punch and wanted to make sure it was a one punch fight. Dude didn’t go to the grab and throw, the rough shake, or the aggressive shove. No warning. He didn’t even set it up with the jab. He just went ahead and went right to the uppercut. It wasn’t the first time he’s thrown that punch either. He brings that punch from his knees like he learned how to throw from Tim Tebow himself.

He plants that lead leg and pushes right up from the floor of the bus. I’m surprised his fist didn’t light on fire and lift him up into the air.

I actually can’t believe old girl got back up and kept talking shit. She must have woken back up when he got thrown off the bus. That was the moment where she should have had a serious “shit just got real” moment and backed off. Instead, she comes right back for more. That joint really did come off like a video game fight.

(Shout to @Catf1sh for tweeting that one out)

Here’s the life lesson. Just go through life as if the person you are talking to just might knock you the fuck out. The internet made people think you can jut talk junk anonymously without any consequences. If everyone assumes the person across from them will whoop that ass, we would have a much more civil society. You think Mitt Romney would have been talking all that junk in the Republican Debate if he thought Barack was going to stroll across the stage and drop him with that power left? (Barack looked like he wanted to do it a few times) Nah, Mitt would have stayed in his lane. Sure, this rule would put World Star Hip Hop out of business because their street fighting video supply would dry up, but the world would be a better place. I’m not saying everyone actually has to punch anyone else in the face, I’m just saying everyone should understand it is possible.

Also, if you encounter a bus driver who winks, twitches then flashes for a second, watch out, he’s about to throw that classic Mike Tyson’s Punchout uppercut.

That punch is unstoppable, all you can do is know the signs and dodge it. Maybe ol girl will shape up her skills and learn for next time.

That bus driver loses his job and gets arrested in 5…4…3…2…

-Brock

Classic Material: Man Up Monday – Columbus Day Edition

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Here is a classic from the archives from the homey Lake. Partially because, Why not? Everyone knows Columbus Day is some B.S. Also, because I don’t have my shat together.

So Check out Man Up Monday Columbus Day and CLICK HERE.

It’s some classic Lake Arlington burn everything down and see if there is anything left heat.

-Brock

I’m hoping to drop some fresh material later today…maybe tomorrow?

Man Up Monday: Dog People

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I’ve hit this a few times from certain angles (that’s what she said), but it is time to his this issue head on for Man Up Monday.

I can’t stand dog people. Now I’m not saying dogs are bad. I don’t want one. But I’m not just going to write dogs off altogether. In fact, this problem isn’t even about the dog. Dogs are cool. They know their place as long as their owner keeps them in their place. I’m talking about people who love their dogs as much if not more than they love humans. Look at that picture. I’m sure that chick has all kinds of rules about whether she will let a guy tongue her down on a first date. But letting a dog slob you down in a Starbucks? All good. You can’t kiss a girl after that. Breath smelling like Milk Bones. I’d almost rather have her try to kiss me after she got some real milk from another kind of bone…No…no I’m wrong, that’s still the worst. This is right up there though.

If you were from another planet and you saw someone walking their dog, who would you think is in charge?

The dog is in front, going where he wants to go. We know what the leash is for, but it could easily work the other way. Like the dog has to drag their caretaker around with them, leading them from place to place to serve their needs. I’m telling you, there’s something not right about this relationship. Isn’t it a sign of dominance to make someone walk three steps behind you? Where have I seen that before?

Right, there are whole cultures built around that rule.

Let’s get to the worst thing about pet dogs. I know Clay Davis can help me out with this one.

That doesn’t even get to the worst part. Dog people, do you know how ridiculous you look walking around with your little plastic bag, trying to do that little inside out trick to grab some shit off the streets with your hands?

Then you’ve got to parade that bag of shat around until you find someplace to put it. I do have a question though. How horrible is the Sophie’s choice that you face when you open that bag and it is ripped? How long does it take you before you just say, “screw it” and leave it on the sidewalk. It’s got to malfunction and leave you with shitty hands every once in a while.

I guess it is better than the alternative.

There’s nothing worse than the jerk that lets their dog drop that gigantic deuce in your yard.

Listen up dog people. You’re getting punked. If you’ve ever had to rush home to let your dog out before you are allowed to have evening plans. You’re being punked. If you’ve ever told someone you need to make sure to bring home leftovers, otherwise your dog will be mad at you, you’re being punked. If you have to run all over town before you catch a flight to get your dog to doggy day care, missing a flight. You’re being punked. If you’ve ever come home to find your dog kicking it in your bed after eating all the food in your pantry. You’re being punked. It’s not okay. Take control. It’s time to Man Up.

Dog People, Man Up!

-Brock

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