We’ve Gotten Soft: The “Controversial” Super Bowl Moment

Now that the Super Bowl is over, we can go back to talk about all the things that happened around the game. One of the favorite topics is always the halftime show. Madonna provided the halftime entertainment this year. First off, who said we needed a full blown concert in the middle of the biggest football game of the year? Sure, when you are in college, the pull out the band to keep people entertained as they do instrumental versions of “F You” by C-Lo Green while they make complex shapes and chicks with nude pantyhose spin flags. When the standard is that low, I don’t think people really expect to be amazed during halftime. What do you lose if you get rid of it? You’re telling me people weren’t going to come back to see the second half of a game that was 10-9 at the half?

Then everyone tries to make a big deal out of the fact that it takes eight minutes to put the stage together and seven to rip it back down. I don’t know about the clocks in your house, but over at my crib it was a good 15 minutes before Madonna hit the stage. It wasn’t exactly magical. I will say that giant video screen looked incredible on TV though.

So the big controversy was when Madonna broke out Nikki Minaj and M.I.A. for one song and M.I.A. threw up a middle finger during her verse. I don’t know about you, but M.I.A. was already dancing like such a wild banshee I missed the whole thing.

Without the pause and slow-mo, how was that move different from all the other stuff she did? It all looks like aggressive sign language. I have it on good authority that during the dance move at the 2 second mark she told all deaf people “If you ain’t got a gold chain crown and a leather codpiece you ain’t shit. You hear me?” And all deaf people could do is respond with a meek “no”, because they don’t have gold chain crowns, they don’t have cod pieces, and they actually could not hear her, so by comparison, the middle finger was actually pretty mild.

What happened to the old school Super Bowl controversies? Like when they thought Ray Lewis stabbed someone outside of a Krystal?

He got acquitted of the murder charges, but he should have still served time for that Dada jersey he has on. Criminal.

Or what about Prince and the giant penis guitar?

At this point, Prince has been so odd for so long, I believe there is a 35% chance that might be the actual shape of his dack.

Of course, there is the moment that started it all. I’m so desensitized to the Janet Jackson titty that I feel perfectly comfortable putting up on the site unedited.

Seriously. Isn’t that the most unexposed looking exposed titty in the history of titties? Is the left titty still mad at the right titty for becoming one of the most famous titties of all time? Titties are supposed to roll together, they are a set. Right titty was like fuck it, it’s my time to shine. I think the left titty is still bitter.

I just wrote titty more times in that paragraph than I’ve written in the entire history of this site.

I don’t know why they are so offended by a middle finger when the other band on the stage is called LMFAO. The generation gap can’t be more stark than when the Super Bowl committee is trying to choose the cleanest acts possible for the halftime show and they approve a group called “Laugh My Fucking Ass Off whose biggest song is called “I’m In Miami Bitch”.  That’s apple pie and middle America right there.

Who knows what the Super Bowl is going to do now? They already tried to make sure this never happened again by making sure everyone on the stage is over the age of 50. Next year they are going to have Aretha Franklin and Diana Ross with special guest Neil Sedaka.

If a titty comes out during that show, it will be a sign of the Rapture anyway. After that seeing a middle finger would be like a trip to Disney World.




Madonna Gets Divorced and Still Regulates!

In other “damn he’s whipped” news.  Somehow the media got a copy of the list of the list of “instructions” Madonna sent to Guy Ritchie for his weekend with HIS OWN DAMN KIDS.

Huh?  I mean wow.  I mean, what the hell is that?  I mean I feel bad for “no juice” or
“Never been to McDonald’s”, or “what is bacon” kids, but this takes it to a whole new level.

“all water they drink should be Kaballah water”?  That’s gotta suck at halftime of the old weekend soccer game.  All the other kids are jamming on Capri Sun and orange slices and you’ve got your little glass bottle with the red string tied around the neck?  That just sucks.

NO TV newspaper TV or DVDs?  Their dad makes freaking movies for a living!  I see “music” isn’t on that list.  Mommy’s profession is cool.  Just don’t do a damn thing related to dad’s lifes work.  No spiritually or ethically unsound toys?  How far does that go?  I mean does that relegate you to recaptured wooden blocks and bells made by the monks of eastern Asia?  Is Playstation 3 cool as long as you are playing Rock Band 2 with the “Kabbalah if you hear me” track pack?  Where does it end?

I mean she is really guaran-damn-teeing that those kids don’t have any fun at dads house.

Oh and by the way, don’t let them outside, don’t have anyone else around, including their grandparents or any new women you might now be having sex with since we had not had sex in a year, and no pictures.

I’m glad Madonna is so interested in making sure her kids only have access to positive images since she hits the stage every night and hits the paying public with this:

With a large side of this:

Right.  Hypocrite on aisle 2.

You know what I’m down with Guy more than Nick cannon.  Because I know exactly how this list made the news.  Guy is starting the “I’m not the crazy one, and I’m a good person” post divorce publicity tour.

A Rod, I’d be paying attention.


Bring On the Rays: The Sox Make Short Work of the Angels

Now I won’t lie, things looked a bit dicey for a second there.

But in the end, all the fellas in that clubhouse manned up and got it done.  It was good to see Dustin “3 feet high and rising” Pedroia finally get the damn thing done.  And by the way, I’ve seen that cat in the streets of Boston, he actually looks MUCH shorter in person than on TV.  Like honestly, homey may be 5′, 5″….maybe.

Hey guys, what can I say, when you’re good at winning, it just shows.  Besides, any team that uses a “monkey” as their unofficial mascot deserves to lose. And by the way, before you irrelevant fans of teams that no longer matter bring up that Jason Bay slid into home for the win, note that Jed Lowry, the Boston rookie knocked in that winning single, NOT Bay.  You clowns are worse than the McCain-Palin campaign.  You’re totally irrelevant, but yet you want to bang on Lake for how I root for a team I follow.  Bay still aint Manny homey.  And if you’re still watching baseball, I know it’s hard, MANNY IS ON FIRE out in LA, ok?  If Manny were still on the Sox, he’d still be on fire.  See, Manny stays on fire and, lucky for the Sox, it seems that even without Manny, the Sox stay on fire.  And you know what else stays on fire?

Dasrite.  Haaaa, deal with it.  Moving on to the bigger fish the Sox have to fry, those that are actually still alive, these Ray will be ready for a fight.

Ahh, F+ck a Ray, the Sox have proven winners.  It won’t be long until the fellas will be riding on those duck boats, rolling up and down Bolyston.

Fresh to death.  Finally, yet me ask yall a question, if the Yankees aren’t even in the playoffs, why is Arod still nailing slump busters like he’s trying to get some cosmic baseball mojo?

I mean, is it just me?  Look at those wild arms.  Yuck.

– Lake

The Universe is Going Nuts

I’ve been away from the game for a second, but I’m starting to believe that everything is just going crazy out here. First off, Britney Spears actually looks good in these bikini shots.

Damn, I thought I was ready for Brit to go away, but looking at these pics brings me back to a better time. Come back Britney, come back.

Maaaayne, that aint the old Brit but it’s damn close. And while I usually think people are bullshittin when they say a bathing suit looks nice (it’s usually what’s in it that looks good) this little selection is doing it for me. It’s a damn shame when you’re actually shocked that a chick look normal.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Jesus! Looks like some unholy cross between Lion-o, skeletor and a great white oak! What the fuck happened to Madonna?

Dammit, that shit just isn’t right. Now I see why her old man left her high and dry. Jeez.

At least her daughter’s face acknowledges how ridiculous she looks. Dammit, have we been getting tricked all these years? Dammit, she actually has that look of Michael Jackson here. Looking all weak and decrepit. Fugly. Now see, now that I’ve experienced all that negativity, I need something to bring me back to center.

Ahhh, that’s better.

– Lake

Perfect: A-Rod v. Madonna Sex Tape

Only something this intriguing could motivate me to actually do my job this morning.  Oh yes, if you believe the reports, that Madonna and A-Rod sex tape (how crazy does that sound) is officially being shopped by some voyeur slug for a cool $2mil as we speak.

What’s crazy is that at this point Madonna really isn’t any better looking than Alex’s old lady C-Rod.  So I can’t quite understand what he’s thinking.

I know, I know, that face is looking a bit battered and beaten.  Why are we so critical of our women, our queens these days?  And before you accuse ole girl of getting her Skeletor meets the Crypt Keeper on, don’t forget that at this point Madonna is literally looking like an extra bright light version of Castle Greyskull:

Jeez!  It’s like old girl is hooking up nuclear cold fusion in her bicep or at least I think that’s a bicep.  lol  Seriously?  Have you EVER seen someone more befitting of the title of Skeletor than this broad?

A major part of skeletor’s power was that you couldn’t tell if he was rocking muscle on top of super skrong skeleton or exoskeleton on top of super krunk muscle.  And now I ask you, can you tell if Madonna is rocking skeleton on top of muscle or muscle on top of skeleton?

It aint right.  And I know you need to eat 5 to 7 meals a day to get those cuts, so might I suggest that Madonna eat 1 very large lard infused meal a day to attempt to return to normalcy?

And make no mistake about it, Madonna was RIGHT back in her NSFW hitchiking days.

Dude, is it just me or is Alex kind of missing the boat here?  I mean, if the old saying is true that when you have sex with someone you’re having sex with ALL their past sexual partners (and their sexual partners, but I won’t go there) then by my count, and this is just a cat sitting at a pc, A-Rod is banging out Dennis Rodman, Sean Penn, Warren Beatty, a wild bisexual porn star named Tony Ward, VANILLA ICE and a list of personal trainers, dancers, rappers, musicians and actors!  Seriously, can you think of any single female celebrity that you’d put more bodies on than Madonna?  And let’s be clear, though it hasn’t been reported, she did have sex with a wild Pauly Shore, Theo Huxtable and a cat like oh I don’t know The Ultimate Warrior, too.

But I guess when you’ve got a babe who is an international superstar and has been for decades (yikes) even a dude like A-Rod can get those groupie love puppy dog beer goggle eyes going and lose his mind for a clean 5 months or so.

True, I don’t get it either.  Honestly, and I haven’t said this about ANY other Sex Tape that’s come across my desk, but I think this is one tape I’ll have to completely sit out.  And why?  This is why:

Does it get any worse?  Sure, I’d like to see if Madonna can back up all her swagger (more likely than not she can), but something about seeing his A-Rod doesn’t sit right with me.  I don’t know, male genitalia is always nasty, but A-Rod with his purple lipstick, frosted hair and Miami perma-tan just weirds me out.  Then you pair that with Madonna’s middle earth, ash rock skin tone, it’s just unseemly.

– Lake