I Don’t Know Who Micaela Schaefer Is But…DAMN

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I haven’t seen Men In Black 3 yet, but somehow I think I could be compelled to check it out.

This is Micaela Schaefer, I think she’s in the movie. She got invited to the international premier and showed up naked. If she’s not in the movie, that’s kinda showboating. I have to imagine any woman who was actually in the movie would be pissed about it. I don’t know if that is leather or film, but you may be surprised to know she is actually wearing less than you think she is.

That dude with the camera and the press pass is now convinced that taking pictures for the local newspaper like Peter Parker. Little does he know this will be his best day of work ever. I hope he took advantage of it. He looks pretty happy though.

Seriously, you still don’t really appreciate how naked this chick is. I know it was cold as hell in the theater too. Her mom should have told her to bring a sweater or a jacket or something.

That aside, it is a historic day here at Us Versus Them. We usually go to the angle 2 to find out what a lady is really working with. Let me assure you, she’s holding Angle 2 down. But this is more than a regular angle 2, this is a simultaneous tail and J angle 2. It’s a beautiful thing.

I’m pretty sure that is so much boob it no longer qualifies as side boob. If that was only the side, the boob would actually have to go all the way around, like an orb. She’s just fully naked with her J’s out. I think this is literally the most boob you can show without it being pornographic. It’s so much more boob than you expect that if you look long enough it doesn’t even seem like a boob anymore.

Whatever is going on here, I appreciate it Micaela. I hope your part in the meeting was a fulfilling, Oscar worthy performance. Can’t wait to see it.

-Brock

 

March Madnass 2012: Round of Applause Division

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We are ready to kick off round 2 of March Madnass and the competition is heating up.

The influence of Itz Dat in the comments section has made this the unofficial Video Vixen bracket. I’m going to apologize for that sleeper 5/12 matchup between Diana Levy and Christine L. That’s a killer choice. If anyone finds video links for people I don’t have, shoot em to me and I will update it. Another 48 hours to vote here too.

-Brock

 

1. Rihanna [video]

16. Mercedes Hawkins [video]

 

2. Jade Wifey [video]

15. Maya Michelle Rew [video] [gif]

 

3. Chiquinquira Delgado [video]

14. Jolina Bonita [video]

 

4. Issa Bayaua [video]

13. Ajia Nicole [video]

 

5. Diana Levy [video]

12. Christine L [video]

 

6. Megalyn Echikunwoke [video]

11. Charm Killings [video]

 

7. Jessica Biel [video]

10. Alyssa Jerry [video]

 

8. Inez Sainz [video]

9. Brenda Lynn [video]

UvT Undercover: Heat From the Streets

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An unnamed UvT correspondent whose name rhymes with Blake Darlington sent me some killer pictures last week. At first I considered keeping them for myself, but what is mine is yours. Team Us has gotta stick together. Our Us Versus Them correspondent caught sight of the elusive Blanka Thickimus in the wild.

Now you know I can’t give you everything at once. Please apply all you have learned about the art of Assology to break down this fine specimen. Any opinions? I’ll give you a better angle.

I’m not exactly sure what is going on with this shoe game, but if you are still bad in a pair of Smurf shoes, you really are workin with something. Bad news: This is the closest thing to Angle 2 I’ve got. Good news: the pictures get better anyway.

That is a spectacular Angle 3 right there. I don’t know where Cone Land is, but it seems like a great place to visit.

That is actually my favorite shot. Artistic even. I don’t know who this anonymous lady is, but her body of work is truly inspirational. I feel like all the lives on Cone Island are well guarded. My correspondent assured be the J game was ridiculous as well. A little hard to get camera phone shots on the low from the front through so I can’t be mad at the lack of photographic evidence.

Team Us enjoy. These chick really exist. No photoshop, no fake.

-Brock

 

 

Tiger Woods Still Puts It In the Hole

My man MRod hit me with this in my twitter in box this morning.  Too good to pass up.

Her text messages have been blowing up ever since.

-Brock

Rosa Acosta Impresses and Amazes

I’ve got an epic post brewin’ that needs one more chart before I’m done.  Can’t make it happen until the morning, so I’m going to do what I always so in this situation.  Throw up a random bad chick.  What way you can’t really be mad at me, right?  The always pleasing, and runner up for UvT Chick of the Year 2009, Rosa Acosta.

I’m sure 50% of you think this picture is all about the J game, but that lower stomach and hip crease is the real deal in this one.  Goodness.  I appreciate the J’s too though.  I haven’t made the interns work in a while, so I’ll have them dig up good old angle 2.5.

This chick was actually a semi-professional ballet dancer which explains a lot of what is going on here.  It is a shame when too much ass can actually make you lose your job.  Angle 3?

These are un-retouched and she might be the baddest chick out right now.  There will be a lot more Rosa Acosta around these parts.

-Brock

UvT Awards: UvT Quality Chick of the Year

You know we bring the jokes, we bring the politics, and we make sure we call out all of Them, but as the resident assologist you know we also have to bring the ladies.  So you know we’ve got to have an award for UvT Quality chick of the Year.  In my mind there is just one winner, but we need to start with the runner up.

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Rosa Acosta came on late, but she is so bad the power of her ridiculous body brought King magazine back from the dead.  That ass has the power of resurrection!  I think a laying on of hands might be in order.

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Goodness.  Now I know that is going to be hard to beat, and I know this is going to be controversial, but the UvT Quality chick of the Year is…

Rihanna.

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This might also be the comeback of the year, because it wasn’t too long ago that Lake and I were questioning whether Rih-Rih had any ass at all.  Now she is UvT quality chick of the year?  How did it happen?  Let’s not forget about the magic of the nude camera phone pic

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Those five pictures revolutionized Rihanna’s whole career.  Now that everyone has seen the tail and the J’s she just breaks em out for everyone.  She doesn’t hold anything back.  She’s on her album cover wearing nothing but barbed wire.  She’s in GQ half buck naked.  She’s doing interviews where she talks about how everyone should be sexy all the time and send their man nude camera phone pics.  Other than the fact that it sounds like she talks a lot of shit and is willing to swing first in a fight, she’s got it all.  She might not have the baddest body in the business, but no one brought the sexy like Rihanna in 2009.
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Keep it up girl, you have a lifetime membership to being one of Us.

Here is a lesson to everyone else out there, some buck naked flicks open you to a whole new world.  Paris Hilton.  She wasn’t famous before we saw her in that green night glow.  Kimmy K?  She wasn’t even that good in her tape and she flipped it into a store and her own TV show.  Vanessa Hudgens got naked twice but never really flipped it into worldwide superstardom.  Whatever happened to the second half of that Hoopz sex tape?  2010 is time to step yo game up! Let’s bring it ladies!

-Brock

———————UPDATE————————–

Amber Rose is second runner up.  She’s still bad too.  She got hot all at once then fell off all at once.  She can still get it though.

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Best Use of Twitter Ever: Teyana Taylor

A lot of people have Twitter accounts, but people are still figuring out what to do with it.  Companies use it to pretend they are cool, fake Hall Of Famers use it to say random things, Celebrities use it to get more fans, and everyone else uses it to talk about what they are eating or when they poop.  But there is still no agreement on who is using it the best.  I’m voting for Teyana Taylor.  Who is Teyana Taylor, you ask?  I don’t fucking know.  I know Lake peeped her late last year, but she hasn’t blown up since then. She is the young musical artist with semi-hot music that is not Lil Mama.  She has a new track called “Google Me” that is ehhhh. I don’t know where her musical career is going to take her, but I do know one thing. Her body is BANANAS! She is going to get tweeter of the year based off of her twitpics alone.  Start here.

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Yes, she lets you know that she is not playing from the jump.  The J’s are crazy, the stomach actually has cuts in it and the hips and legs are killer.  Does she bring more bikini heat?  Hells yes she does.

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That weave game is a little distracting, but not for long.  Did anyone else see the way that tail is offering a strong resistance to the presence of the hand?  There might be some thunder that is making me wonder…

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I’ve got her 10 inches deep alright.   At least the young lady knows what she is working with.  Her friend isn’t playing any games either.  But what about attitude?  Does Teyana bring it?

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Yes.  Is she a freak?

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Apparently.

Tail game?

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Decent, complete with smooth sloping back.  Before I go on I need to give a big AHNT to those glasses.  Sometimes you can overthink it.  I know you don’t believe me, I’ll give you some more.

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Teyana Taylor, congrats. You used Twitter to put yourself on the radar.  If you kick it up a notch, you could be the Tila Tequila of Twitter. One more.

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Yeah, her stomach game is stupid.

UvT will remain a loyal follower.

-Brock

Floyd Mayweather is Still Winning

Last time we saw Floyd Mayweather, he was winning like this.

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You know he is a winner in the ring, but now Floyd let’s you know he is winning in every field of human endeavor.  Floyd was seen out with the finest chick from TLC (I know you thought it was T-Boz, but you would be wrong) Chilli.

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Maaaan, I don’t know how old Chilli is, or why she still thinks it is reasonable to slick down her baby hair, but she is one bad, bad chick.  Floyd must have been working with the camera man too, because he has her locked into that angle 2 here.  Chilli might be strapped in tight here, and I know one of the haters ladies of UvT are going to tell me she is strapped in, tucked in, compressed, spanxed, and wedged into that little black dress, but I’m here to let you know…I.  Don’t.  Care.  She can get it.  That is mid-90′s heat right there.

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Floyd is like “lemme, holla at cha shawty”.  And Floyd’s arm doesn’t have to move for me to know that stomach game is also tight.

Wait, let me back up.  Do you understand how damn good the red light special video was?  How sexy it was?  Then they followed it up with Creep?   And she knows she’s still got it too.

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Maaaaaang.  I can’t take it.  The leg game/tail game is killing it right now.  Usher, have you seen this?  Did you still make the right choice?

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Yeah…that’s gotta hurt.  Let’s see if Floyd knows the right choice.

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He didn’t want to hurt ol girl’s feelings, but that lean to the left is all the evidence I need that Floyd knows the deal.  I hope she didn’t hold those gray gators against you Floyd.  You can seal that deal.

-Brock

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