Assology 107: Epic Ass Featuring Kim Kardashian

Usually the tenets of Assology demand that I only discuss a certain type of ass.  Assology 101 covered the basics. The Negative Arse, the Muffin Top, and the Athletic Ass, and the Stacked too tight in those jeans ass.  Assology 103 covered the Unexpected Ass…like Mena Suvari.  But Kim Kardashian just showed up in some pics that deserve a post of their own.  There are only a few great asses in history.  Just a few that have withstood the test of time. Pam Grier dominated the 70’s. J.Lo held down the late 90’s.  Britney Spears revolutionized White girl tail in 2001.  Now we are in the era of Kim Kardashian.

Is she serious?  I might have to call this the Dan Patrick Ass.  You can’t stop it you can only hope to contain it.  Now she knew good and well when she left the house that bathing suit had no hope of containing that ass piece.  That picture has her looking better than ever too.  There are a lot of angles of Kim that don’t do her justice.  She had slipped a few notches in a couple pictures that came out over the last year.  But she is looking fit and ready to rock.  How about that Us Versus Them Angle 2?

I really can’t believe what I’m seeing right here.  This is a unretouched paparazzi pic and she is still hitting Us with that superflat stomach game?  That is what makes this ass epic.  Once in a generation.  Standard setting. In fact, I have to admit that Kardashian’s J’s really round out the whole package.  I mean, she isn’t even wearing high heels!  Can you imaging if she was an attention whore like Heidi Montag and faked all her beach shots?  I know what the haters are gonna say, that blue line on her stomach looks blurry and a little too crisp.  What about that close up angle 2 to prove em wrong…

I’ll start with the stomach game because it is real proper-like.  She must stay up in the gym just workin on her fitness like Fergie, because this chick is coming with that flawless body right now.  Now that tail?  We might need to start a federal investigation into the science of gene splicing and inter-species mating because I think Kim Kardashian’s mom might just be that half-reindeer that Nelly was talking about.

Now I know this post is about ass, but I’ve got to share this one too.

Look, this chick is clicking on all cylinders right now.  J, stomach, hair, shoulders.  She’s making it happen. I guess once she broke up with Reggie, she had to tighten the game back up.

So there it is, the Epic Ass.  Who will be next?  Who will step up to represent the perfect ass for the next decade?  Who will break through the clutter to become a pop culture reference just for that tail?  I don’t know, but you can guarantee I’ll be there.  I need a close up of that Dan Patrick one more time…

Maaaaaaan, Ray J wasn’t hittin that right!  The fatter the berry the sweeter the juice.


Kim Kardashian is Dancing (and sleeping) with the Fishes

Awwww hells no.  They got rid of Kim K on Dancing With The Stars?   F*ckin with Kim K is like f*ckin with my emotions baby.

Somomabitch!  Are these cats crazy?  You can’t tell me that show is better without Kim K.?

And since I’ve always assumed that “America’s Vote” just meant, who in the hell the producers thought was a better draw for ratings, i cannot believe those producers let Kim walk away.

Damn, I’m really sad that her “career move” didn’t really work out, because just like Luca Brazi, Kim Kardashian’s hopes for a non sex tape and/or large ass centered profession is OVER.

And suddenly, the ass seems to have deflated right along with my dreams of an extra aerobicized Kim K! Peep Kim and her walk of shame after getting the ax.

I own know, Reggie might want to look elsewhere for his cut pattern.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, dude is probably on a healthy diet of NFL City hoes, but still, you can’t have your lady up there dancing with super positive ass and super negative rhythem.  In fact, let’s go ahead and playback that embarrassing “Baby Got Back” Rumba or whatever they were doing:

Terrible dude.

All I can say is that those Js and that ass better be real, because if they aren’t, I don’t get why this cat is pulling a Tony Romo and eating after all these other cats.

I mean, for real.  Ray J just murered that tail, ON TAPE, wild Nick Cannon was giving her the corn ball stroke and sheeit, she’s been married if I’m not mistaken.  Forget looking for reasons to leave her, I can barely find a reason Reggie should stay.

Sike…  “Hey Reggie, I f*cked Kim too” – Ray J (NSFW found HERE)

And there were those Playboy shots (NSFW HERE).

Ok, so you don’t just leave that ass, I know that.  You just neglect and hit.  Let her complain and hit.  Blame it on football and dammit, YOU HIT.  Basically, you let her dump you.  I know, I know.  I’ve done it before myself.

You never give up something extraordinary, you just let it run it’s course.  And since that tail and j game is probably synthetic anyway, I figure that half life should be coming long about the 9 month mark on their relationship.  Anyway, note to self, immediately cancel Dancing with The Stars Tivo Season Pass, stat.  That show wasn’t sh*t, anyway.  And no, Warren Sapp’s quick feet and great personality will not keep me watching.  thx.

– Lake