Kelis Sex Tape?

So we were literally in a staff meeting today talking about our updates to the site and Brock broke in with that “oh, did you hear about that Kelis Sex Tape?”

Why no I didn’t.  Shoot, I was just thinking that it had been a while since the sex tape gods had sent me something to post.  But then I started to think about it, am I really excited about a Kelis sex tape?

I mean, first off, which Kelis is going to show up?  I mean, which era is it because the rumors aren’t saying Kelis and Nas Sex Tape.  No, so it might as well say Kelis Not With Nas sex tape.

That’s right punk.  It’s going to be a different kind of Takeover, ok?

Anyway, like I said, which Kelis is going to show up in that tape?

The semi thick, wild haired, screaming crazy Kelis?

I mean, that “I hate you so much right now” gave me the impression that she was really catching that bang out.  It’s a thin line between love and hate, so that passion let me know more likely than not, something right was going down between the sheets in that era.

Will it be the super slimmed down, bucked naked, “show me how my ass tastes because it’s completely exposed” Kelis?

Now see, I like that one, but not as much as I should. Ahhh, something isn’t quite right.  Something dudn’t sit right in my craw (didnt’ know I had one, hey, maybe I’m a Joe Six Pack, ahnt)  Is that, oh no, I think it is.. NEGATIVE ASS?

I’mma need that angle two intern. Kick it!

Awwwwwww, it’s official, dat ass aint there people.  And because it’s not there, all that spunk, all that energy all that “bossiness” can only go but so far.  I mean, at best this chick will be an exact opposite of Kim Kardashian, meaning, someone who has a great body, crazy ass, but no talent to deliver the goods.

And speaking of what she can’t deliver, that Kim K/Ray J sex tape is found HERE (as always, I never watch). And by the way, Kim K has a little old school pic for you haters who say she got knifed up for that ahem unique physique she’s got.

Hmm, youth is attractive. I know, so tough to see all those great tools go to waste.  Has that Michael Vick feel.  Anyway, Kelis would have to be a dynamo in the sack, just to reach an equal level of disappointment given that substandard tail.  So no, I don’t approve of this tape, but I do approve of this message.  No thank you sex tape gods.  I don’t need no Kelis tape.  What I would like to see, however, is that Jessica Biel tape, that Megan Good tape, that Kir in NV tape, or that Lindsay Lohan vs. Lesbo Lover tape, ok?

These are the tapes we need “my friends” (Ahnt McCain-ism), not some substandard, flatassness foolishness from Mr. and Mrs Nas.  No thx.

– Lake

——————-UPDATE———————-

I don’t know player.  First of all, apparently the tape is real.  The interns just scared up a new Kelis Pic and she looks like she is just about ready to roll.  The other thing?  With those crazy tattoos there will be nooooo question that it is her.  Hmmm, this pic isn’t COMPLETELY wild, semi artistic if you will.  I mean is isn’t much worse than what you would find in King Magazine, but there is narum a scrap of clothing present in this picture.  I’m sure there are plenty of places where those pics are NSFW, so we’ll hit you with the UvT, safe enough to click away version

with the real heat pic, bucked naked NSFW picture found HERE.   As for that lack of thickness…I own know mayne.  Looking pretty buttery (pronouced Butt-tree) right chere.  And here too.

-Brock