This is the (Second) Greatest Thing I’ve Ever Seen Ray J Do

Oh Ray J. I’m still not exactly sure why you’re famous. That’s not to say you aren’t actually famous or that you don’t deserve it. You act, you make music, you have famous family members. All the stuff that make famous people famous…Unfortunately, you also have all of the shit that makes people who aren’t actually real famous, famous too. [Read more...]

Man Up Monday: Kanye West

Kanye West has provided some of the best moments in WTF? history. He clearly jumped to the top of the list with the incredible “George Bush doesn’t care about Black people” bomb he dropped on live TV. I think Mike Myers is still shook.

Kanye can’t even get all the words out. Has Mike Myers made a movie since then? Shrek doesn’t count. Now you know Kanye really messed up when there is a Man Up Monday, and the thing Kanye did that we are NOT talking about is THIS.

Kanye has adopted the fill on abominable snowman outfit at a concert a few weeks ago. All White after Labor day is a bold choice. The skirt/tuxedo jacket/raincoat is inspired. But when he decided to put on the yeti mask, he went too far.

The real story is that Kanye knocked up Us Versus Them favorite Kim Kardashian. Now I know Kim has her own money but didn’t Kanye actually put out a song called “Gold Digger”? Or does he never go back to listen to his old music? Look, I’m not saying Kim’s a golddigger, I’m not. But…looking at her track record, from what I know, based on public information I could get my hands on, she does not appear to be messing with no broke ni**as.  Ray J, Reggie Bush, Kris Humphries and Kanye West? She’s clearly built a financial requirement over the years. I also suspect that she’s only up for dating guys who’s names begin with the letter K. Kris and Kanye would fit in perfectly with Kris, Kim, Kourtney and Khloe.

I’m just glad Kim wasn’t around in the early 90′s because there would be a three-way sex tape with Kris Kross. It would have been filmed on an incredibly unwieldy VHS tape at the time with a gigantic camera, but I could see it happening. It’s gotta suck to date a girl where you KNOW who her last five boyfriends were. Do you even ask a chick like that what her sex number is? Look, she was married to Kris, so you know he hit it. And he’s a seven footer. Reggie Bush played in the NFL so you have to assume he wouldn’t date her for that long without getting some, and we got Ray J on tape. Everyone saw him get it. That probably cuts a lot of conversations short.

Kanye, how are you just gonna baby mama up Kim Kardashian? Don’t get me wrong…

I can see why she might be fun to hang out with, but c’mon Ye? Have you just been on too many double dates with Jay and Beyonce and felt left out? Because Kanye and Kim ain’t not Jay-Z and Beyonce.

Anyone who has followed Kanye knows the dude is a real freak. The only question is how freaky did it get? Roleplay freaky?

I could see Kanye getting Stormtrooper/Princess Leia freaky. But I think he’d go even farther than that.

Exactly. Permed out lion, white boy with some headphones, and Princess Leia freaky. That’s how Ye gets down. In a Cosby sweater no less. Hell, that might actually be what their kid looks like. A silky haired cartoon character.

Kanye, You get the Man Up award this week, and you just made the cutoff to be considered for the 2012 UvT Awards. In fact, you might already have Man Up f the Decade locked up as well. Might as well wife her up at this point. I really want to see Kanye ice grilling in the Kardashian Family Picture, just struggling to fit in. Actually, with that Yeti outfit, he already fits in.

Looking good Yeezy. Is that Kobe? I shoulda known he wasn’t going to let an all white everything pic slide without him being involved.

Kanye, Man UP!

-Brock

Tom and Katie: The Scientology of Breaking Up

I didn’t believe it when I heard it. I thought this one was actually going to last. Tom Cruise named a plane after her. They had their own nickname. TomKat was sounds so much better than Brangelina ever could. Katie used to dream about Tom, Tom always liked Katie. They were even able to have kids. That was supposed to be impossible!  It seemed like a match made in heaven.

But five years later it all fell apart. They had it all, what could possibly have happened?

Oh right. Tom Cruise was on that “we’re going to hook our five year old up to some electrodes and find out if she has alien blood” stuff. I’m sure that didn’t go over well. So Kate decided to get the hell out. She did it real smooth-like too. Set his ass up. Tom didn’t even see it coming.

Tom just out there smiling. Meanwhile, Katie is like, lawyer up bitch. It’s about to go down. This arm around your shoulder ain’t nothing, it’s all a set up. That head tilt says, “oh I got this dude right where I want him”. When she filed for divorce, Tom felt like this.

Tom is still stunned. So stunned he just went on ahead and settled the divorce.

They are certainly not going to release any of the detials, so instead of simply not talking about it, let’s just throw some wild speculation out there until we hit something that feels right.

Tom Cheated.

Tom is an asshole.

Tom is not human.

Tom wanted to upload Suri to the mothership.

Katie’s seen some things. Some terrible things.

Tom heard about Anderson Cooper and Frank Ocean coming out last week and wants some of that publicity.

Tom was so confident Rock of Ages was going to be awesome he agreed to release Katie from her marriage contract if it sucked.

Katie finally figured out Tom’s real name is Rumpelstiltskin and is now able to set herself and her firstborn free.

I like that last one. Whatever happened, it sounds like Katie had it all locked up before Tom even caught wind of it. There aren’t many divorces getting settled in less than two weeks. She either had extremely reasonable requests, or pictures of Tom doing the aforementioned terrible things. Kim Kardashian dumps Kanye and ends up with Tom Cruise in 5…4…3…2…

-Brock

Dear White People (And Gwyneth Paltrow) You CAN NOT Use The Word Nigga

I don’t know why this issue continues to come up. But apparently we need to cover this again. We can cut right to the chase. Dear White people, it is NEVER okay to use the word nigga. Nigger either for that matter. Hell I don’t usually use the word. I’ve just got to drop it so it hits you with that full effect. Gwyneth Paltrow either didn’t get the memo or got so high from being on stage with Jay-Z and Kanye doing Niggas in Paris IN PARIS eleven times and she temporarily went insane and sent out this tweet.

There are so many things wrong with this moment. Let’s break them down shall we?

Let’s get this out the way first. I don’t want to hear that nigga is right in the name of the song, so she should have a right to say it. I know exactly where they stop the song and whatever the song is called they actually only say nigga twice in the song up to that point. By contrast, they say fuck 6 times, shit 8 times, and bitch twice. You want a scapegoat song when you need an excuse to say nigga? Listen to this Body Work by Pusha T. I believe the total count is 49…mostly in the second verse.

Blame this epidemic on that joint, not Jay-Z and Kanye. Great song by the way.

So Gwyneth shouldn’t have done it, it was a horrible idea and there is nothing you can tell me that will make it okay. I’m going to tell you why.

REASON #1: Using the word Nigga is dangerous.

There are only a few reasons another person is allowed to kill you under the law. First, you break into their house. Second, you try to kill them or one of their loved ones. Third, they catch you fucking their wife/husband. Finally, calling a black person nigger. Under the fighting words doctrine, you can legally catch an ass whoopin. Look at that list, the rest of the items are right in the Ten Commandments. Thou Shall Not Steal. Thou Shall Not Kill. Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery. I feel like if they had let a Black dude get a book in the Bible, the book of Rodney would have slipped in Thou Shall Not Say Nigga. When the law says, fuck it you are on your own, turn back. The law can’t help you.

Heres the other problem with Gwyneth sending out her tweet. Some time immediately thereafter, she realized she fucked up and needed a way out. Solution number one should have been to apologize, but instead, she went the OTHER way. She tried to find the nearest black man to help her out with a nigga pass. Kanye and Jay, must have still been busy on stage, so she went for the next best thing. The Dream.

Really? Do you really think The Dream has enough street cred to just un-nigga a nigga situation? Just because he is wearing a big ass fitted hat AND stunna shades AND a fat gold chain AND has a suede and leather collar popped? Come on. Dream tried to pretend like he was tweeting from her account. He didn’t even try to issue her a nigga pass, he tried to use his own. That’s plagiarism. Fraud. Chicanery. In fact, lets just assume The Dream DID send the tweet from Gwyneth’s phone after she logged into her account. Let’s assume this is true. So the point is The Dream is using his blackness as verification of the situation. In that case, he also undermined his own credibility at the same time. If it was the Dream, and he is so thugged out he couldn’t help but to send out that text. What the hell is “tyty, beehigh”? If it was him, that becomes the most offensive thing in the tweet. What they hell does that mean Dream? Huh? You don’t know because you didn’t send that shit. Siddown.

Gwyneth, next time try to get a cosign from Samuel L. Jackson, Cornell West, a member of the Nation of Islam, someone. damn. Maybe Kanye would have helped you out.

Maybe not.

Look, I don’t just bring up problems without offering solutions. I’ve got something that will save White people for the rest of eternity. I can take this issue off the table immediately. Invented right here at Us Versus Them. Instead of nigga, just say nilla. It’s easy. Gwyneth was on stage. How hilarious would it be if she tweeted out “They’ve got Nillas in Paris too!” Instant classic. No one can ever get mad at you because a Nilla is a delicious little cookie. The reference is always hilarious. You can use it freely and it is never offensive. Feel free to refer people directly to me if anyone has any questions.

Just do it, trust me it will be wonderful for everyone. If you decide not to follow my advice…then you deserve this:

That never gets old.

-Brock

P.S. Gwyneth, just say you’re sorry. The word offends a lot of people. It’s wrapped up in a lot of shit. I’m not saying the rules about the use and the frequency by which Black people use the word makes any sense. I can’t even defend it. It’s silly, really, but thems the rules. Deal with it.

Come on Bruh! Kanye West Has a Hip Slip

Now I personally prefer a nip slip, but this is too wild to pass up. Now I haven’t talked about the Kanye West and Kim Kardashian relationship yet, and the relationship already seems pretty ridiculous. We all know Kanye likes bad chicks though, so for him…why not? Kanye was getting out of a car with Kim the other day and this happened:

First of all, no grown man should have his pants riding so low it is possible for the thigh to come out, especially  if he’s rocking a velvet blazer. Second, anytime your draws situation allows for the display of that much thigh…you need to reevaluate your draws situation. Even Kanye thinks this situation is a little funny.

Maybe not.

Come on Bruh!

-Brock

Kim Kardashian in the Most Bizarre Photos Ever

I’ve posted a lot of pictures of Kim Kardashian on this site. In fact, I just posted some thing week. I thought I had seen everything. But I came across a few pictures that just have me confused. They start off fine, then…then something just goes wrong. Maybe you should just take a look yourself.

First we have Kim in a Princess Leia slave costume. Iconic. Usually sexy as hell. Here it doesn’t disappoint.

Fine, it kinda disappoints. I feel like the real Princess Leia joint comes with the full open sides complete with hip bones and sidebooty cleavage. Yes, the word sidebooty did not pass through spell check and I kept it. If sidebooty isn’t a real word, it should be. I need a reference photo. Now I’ve had epic battles with Slave Leia dress up chicks. I put an entire squad of Slave Leia chicks in UvT Vision a few years ago, so I am pretty familiar with the source material. I’m pretty sure there is supposed to be a lot more skin.  Maybe Olivia Munn can show us what it is supposed to look like.

There you go. So that begs the question. Why did Kim K get the “slave Leia’s Mom” version of the outfit? Are they trying to protect her? Was he hesitant to unleash the tail piece on Kanye West? Or were they trying to protect the viewing public? Did they know that by letting Kim break out the full on hip and sidebooty they might be unleashing a destructive force on the world that would never be stopped? I guess we will never know.

Honestly though, that isn’t why I grabbed these pictures. That isn’t the bizarre part. I guess she was supposed to be filming a sketch show with Kanye West. Hence his name on the door above. So when ‘Ye shows up in a Stormtrooper outfit. It still makes sense.

It is weird, but it makes sense. There is a star wars theme. Kanye looks like he’s never held a gun before in his life, but fine. I’ll go with it. But here is where it gets really weird.

Where did the permed out lion in the maroon track suit come from and what the hell does that have to do with Star Wars? Is that supposed to be Lando? Was Billy Dee Williams not available?

I mean look at that cape work! I know Billy would have made it. You know his motto. He works every time. Kanye was so confused by the Lion Pimp, he went back to put his regular gear on.

Unfortunately, it just made the scene look like some sort of bizarre Star Wars celebrity puppet gang bang.

If it was a celebrity puppet gang bang, I’m pretty sure my man at the bottom of the pic didn’t know what he was getting into. Kim Kardashian on the other hand has bizarre sex acts captured on tape before.

What? It is bizarre when the girl looks like she’d rather be shopping.

If anyone knows why Kim K dressed as Princess Leia, Kanye west and a lion pimp would make people laugh… please let me know. Because I don’t get it.

-Brock

 

 

MTV Video Awards 2011

The MTV VMA’s were last night and as always, there was a plenty to talk about. I know it is Monday, but I’ve got to issue a Man Down to Lady Gaga. She decided to show up in character, and she wasn’t breaking character for a damn thing. She seemed to be channeling Al Pachino to me.

I guess it was artistic, but damn. She accepted an award on behalf of herself at the end of the show. It was just bizarre. Then Kanye West and Jay-Z performed “Otis”. You know what the best part of Kanye and Jay-Z recording a duet? Kanye is actually wearing Men’s clothing again.

He’s got more bracelets than my 12 year old cousin, but fine. Gotta let him have something. Speaking of giving someone something…

Jay-Z finally dropped that baby batter on Beyonce. Let me be the first one to vote for the kid to be a boy. If the kid looked like B, a girl might be fine. But Jay wouldn’t make the cutest little girl in the world.

Chris Brown announced to the world that no one can stop him from winning. Kid is back to being on top of the world.

Kim Kardashian was there.

I didn’t appreciate the fact that MTV pulled way out when she walked backstage either.

Justin Bieber did nothing to dispel the overwhelming suspicion that Justin Bieber might be a 14 year old girl.

If you are gonna rock the snake it should be bigger than a male penis. I mean, if you are going to overcompensate for something, go all out. The baby snake doesn’t get you any points.

Finally, Lil Wayne ripped the stage in some Dalmatian pants.

Incredibly, the pants weren’t the worst part.

Really Wayne? Red with the Yellow sole huh? Like that is just supposed to be okay. It isn’t. I don’t care if you are the best rapper alive. That gear is ridiculous. C’mon Wayne.

-Brock

 

 

Kanye West Is Still Winning: Teyana Taylor

The latest rumors in the streets is that Kanye West is now dating Teyana Taylor. We’ve already noted that Ms. Taylor has the most effective use of TwitPic ever as she uses it primarily to show off her body. So yeah, I’m not putting this up for Kanye, I’m putting this up because some new pics of Teyana hit the web and she is bad. Pics via MTO.

That J to stomach ratio is really what is holding Teyana’s whole game down. Also, cold air.

Although the tail piece isn’t her best asset, she can hold it down there too.

The final pic is a 4 on the UvT NSFW scale. Proceed at your own risk. The final question is really just wondering if she brings the freak. I believe you will attain a satisfactory answer to that question.

Feel free to authenticate the picture using the arse tatt.

Kanye continues to win.

-Brock