Which Mya is the Real Mya? You Be the Judge

Now I haven’t talked about Mya much in a long time, but I came across two pictures that demand attention. I found two pictures or her and one of them has to be fake. I’m just not sure which one.

Here’s the first pic.

Mya lookin good in that one. I’m calling bullshit on this one. I’m pretty sure there is no there in the natural world where shadows go in three different directions. I will say that is late 90’s throwback Mya though. Then there is another picture, same outfit, same wall, same shoes. But something is different. I can’t quite place it. Maybe you can help.

Call me crazy, I think this one might be photoshopped too. If you’re going to blow up the thighs, can we round out the calves too? I like ass as much as the next man, but you need to build up the proper support system. You know I’m going to need some breakdowns in the comments to see which one you vote for.

While that is going on, I had to do some supplemental research to see what’s going on.

Why is anyone even messing with Mya? She looks like she’s doing just fine without the digital manipulation. Bonus for the people who voted for pic #2, she seems to be closer to the thick pic than the slim one. Can we all agree to shut down the photoshop? It’s one thing to know they are always cutting things down, but when we are getting inflation and deflation it might break the tail-arse continuum. We can’t have that.


UvT Quality: Jade Wifey

This might be the worst video chick name in history, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter what your name is when you look like this.

I appreciate when I get a tip that isn’t just back shots and photoshop.  Jade Wifey is really coming with that wifey material.  This tip came via my man renosol.  Now that isn’t to say that I don’t appreciate when a fine young lady like this starts warming it up though.

Does everyone have a collection of cell phone pics in the bathroom?  Doesn’t anyone have full length mirrors anymore?  At least the cheap joint that you can nail to the back of the door so we don’t get distracted by your toilet while we’re trying to get that Angle 2?  She also comes with the full action magazine glamor shot.

[no comment]


Damn.  As I’ve said before, I’m not a J dude, but I’ve got to recognize game on this one.  In fact, I’m gonna have to rename her J’d Wifey.  I think that really describes her best.

J’d is officially UvT Quality.  Start sending in your nominees for UvT Quality Chick of the year too.  After the “year of the nude photo leak” in 2009, there aren’t any clear front runners. Feel free to nominate in the comments or shoot me an email with suggestions.


The Binary Scale of 1-10. The scale of 1 and 0.

The Us Versus Them scales of 1-10 are well documented.  But whenever we talk about a lady, the comments section blows up.  The Megan Fox post earlier this week set off a straight up firestorm.  In the debate, there was one clear voice of reason. While everyone else was debating Monica Bellucci, Salma Hayak, Jessica Alba, and Megan Fox’s thumbs, Ian M. Summers dropped straight science.  Peep this.

“See, now this all comes back to what I said in the real 1-10 scale post: You’ve gotta keep shit simple. Operate on a binary scale. One and Zero, Yes and No. Any further categorization or rating is superfluous and irrelevant. “Would you hit it?” that is the only question that matters.With that in mind I pose the question: Are there any guys here who wouldn’t hit? Exactly, no.

So what is the difference if she is an 8.5 or a 10? None at all, we’d all still hit. And all the chicks looking for chinks in the armor should relax. You’re probably a 1 on the Summers scale of 0/1 (exactly the same as Miss Fox).”

That is straight genius.  Now I don’t know where that particular line is drawn.  But the distinction is clear.  “Would you hit it?”  1 is yes, 0 is no.  Let’s try to apply it, shall we?


From the left…1 (but is that a lazy eye?  Is the looking at the camera….and at someone off camera? Stay focused Brock, she can still get it), 1 (is she hiding a gut behind the chick in front of her?  Pull yourself together man!), 1(a freak too), 1, 1(but why does her arse start the tuck back up by her elbow?), aaaaaaaand, 1.  There I made it.  Congratulations ladies.  Again?


0,1,0,1,1,1,0,1.  Hell, who am I kidding?  They are all perfect 1’s to me.  There may be a few drinks involved…but they look like they are on Spring Break, so the drinks are compulsory.  Damn this is harder than it seems.  One more time, let’s get something hard.


0…1…0…1…0.  I think it is not a coincidence that all the girls getting the thumbs up have their faces covered and that chick second from the left is questionable in that black.  Oh, on a side note, someone call your mommas and get them off this stage.  The brother with the drank in the red shirt is peeping that arse in the purple though.  haaaa!

Damn Ian, I thought this was supposed to be easier. I’m thinking my personal Mendoza line is at about a 6 if I had to guess.  I don’t think that is a number I’d walk around saying out loud, but the binary scale reveals all truths.  It is like looking in a mirror for the first time.


Eva Amurri: She Got It From Her Mama!

So I’m a dude who follows the J-game pretty closely. (read: very closely). You know, typical stuff like keeping a list in my head of the top players in the game. Hall of famers, 40-somethings, rookies, so forth. So when I heard that Susan Sarandon’s daughter was bout to pop up in a few skripping scenes on the show Californication, my curiosity was piqued. I mean… Susan Sarandon has put in some work in this here game:


She was bad back in the day, but how did it hold up?


(damn, Sue…)

But I had never really heard of her daughter, Eva Amurri. And wasn’t quite sure if the next generation could really bring the heat like that. So, like the good sleuth that I am, I dug in on the internets to find some info on the chick.


Ok, we might be working with something. But let’s just clarify this. Lil Mama can you help me out on this one?


Still curious. Let’s just zoom in for an angle 1, shall we?


OK, OK! We’re good to go here. [applause]. Unfortunately, young Eva has failed to even give us even an angle 1.5. And so far, the angle 1.2s don’t look promising. So I dug deeper. Now I wouldn’t know for sure, but I’m almost positive the Brits might have an extra NSFW look at this development. Yes. Yes, they do! [that is about a 4 on the NSFW scale. Ed.]

[Stone Phillips Voice]  But no one was prepared for what would come next…


Well, Eva, thanks for playing. Stay in touch. We’ll keep an eye out for you. But… no, baby. Don’t give me those doe eyes. You know your boy Slick still loves you. You’re still coming over later, right? m-Kay-bye. Ha. Fellas, just remember where she got it from. And that there are many, many ways to love your woman.


Sho ‘nuff!

-Slick Jefferson

I Have a Confession…


Megan Fox does absolutely nothing for me.  Okay, not absolutely nothing, I mean she’s a good looking girl but there is nothing here that makes me seek her out.  I’ve bought shitty albums in the hope that some chicks career wouldn’t end because I thought she was bad.  I’ve glorified women after they lost a step or two because they once had something unique to offer.  I’ve followed the mediocre careers of C list actors to watch them…errrrr Blossom.  But this chick…


Nope.  She has a pretty face, tall, but I just don’t get it.  The crazy thing to me is that they actually compare her to Jessica Alba.  Are you f’n kidding me?  Have you seen Jessica Alba?


I mean that body looks like a package of power fighting to be unleashed.  Packed in tight.  All flavor no filler.  It makes Megan Fox come off like the standard issue version as opposed to the deluxe model.


Okay fine, I’m not going to lie, there is something going on in the thighs here that intrigues me.  But it might just be a trick of gravity.


This is probably the best picture, she is silky smooth, but she probably looks better because the guy she is standing next to looks like the guy who played Freddie Kruger.  I know a lot of Us aren’t going to agree with this, hell Lake isn’t gonna agree, but I had to put it out there.  Anyone with me?  Anyone?  Bueller?


How Does Attraction Work?

I know I’m the Doctor of Assology, but sometimes I have to direct my analytical eye to other areas just to break it down for the people.  Some people don’t understand how they always end up in the “friend zone”.  They trick themselves into believing a false truth.  You know when your boy Brock breaks it down, he pulls no punches.  Please refer to the chart below:


As you can see, we’ve got the mental attractiveness scale and the physical attractiveness scale.

As an example, high on the mental scale:

And on the Physical attractiveness scale:

As you can see on the chart, if you have neither, you are in a world of pain.  Dumb and Ugly ain’t what you want.  If you are dumb and can get past the standard of “reasonably hot”, you’ll catch that “Fuck Buddy” status, but you might want to mix in a few books if you want people to take you seriously.

One the other end of the spectrum.  If you are really, really interesting, you’ve probably got lots of friends they you want to have sex with that just don’t feel the same way.  Do you have lots of great phone conversations?  Get invited to help people drive their car home?  This is you right here.

You need that good balance between mental and physical attraction to get any long term commitment.

Not pictured here, the loot factor.  Billy Gates up there would still get a lot of action with that “Richest Man in America” track record would still get some ladies to throw that ass at ol Bill.  Oh, and for guys that “Fuck Buddy” circle is probably a lot bigger…you throw that “freak factor” on top of it and it is on. She might not be that cute, but she’s always ready when I’m ready and she hits me with the “killa” on demand.  (The killa is defined as a chick who breaks out the head game and doesn’t stop until you break it off twice)  THAT will make you think it is time to get married right there alone.

Oh yes, it’s out there.

So use the chart as a reference. You in the awkward zone?  That means you are either not hot enough or not interesting enough to close the deal.  Time to downgrade and get back into your zone.  Sad but true.


Hot or Not? Whatever This Is…

The internet is a wild, wild place.  I truly believe that if you are willing to let go of all of your personal limitations (or more likely, embrace them with open eyes) you can really find some wildness that you would have never thought would have happened in the history of the world.

Like This:  (This video falls into the famous UvT category of “Technically safe for work, but if someone actually walked by, you might have some ‘splainin to do”)

What was that?  You have to appreciate the fact that she “performs” on her knees.  Although it looks like she’s playing the flute, I’m thinking she’s more of a “pianist”.  Her favorite plant is the Cack-tus.  Oh, and this is apparently her thing.

And yes, licking the side of the microphone is completely gratuitous.

And yes, I do NOT mind that.  Head is always great, no matter how it goes down.