Pole Dancing Goes South of the Border

I’m just going to come out and say it. I was wrong. I don’t say it often so pay attention. I’ve got a unified theory of stripperdom. While it appears to be a continuum, I argue that pole dancing and hard core porn are essentially the same thing. The details are here if you care to review.

But I’ve come around. If you pole dance hard enough, you actually travel all the way down to the continuum, past the freaky side and someone become legitimate again. I know it’s crazy. It was all inspired by the Miss Pole Dancing South America competition. They took to the streets to advertise their skills.

You know an ad like that forced me to find more. I’m usually not down with an attempt to pole dance on random objects, it can turn out very badly.

But they didn’t just hit the pole, they also got creative, proving you don’t need a pole to pole dance.

Although I will say the chick who decided to do a split face-first on the 9th stair of a subway probably doesn’t have all her shit together. There is also what I believe to be a man-taint situation over on the right that I don’t want to talk about and don’t need any further information on.

But the real trouble started once the competition began. I mean we are talking about the best in the world, so you know it was going to get sexy fast.

That is actually a strong showing right there. Hovering in the air as if she’s on the ground. She’s focused. She looks like she falls directly into my theory. She’s $3,000 from doing that with no clothes on, sending her down the slippery slope. I looked for more and the whole thing took a hard left. What once was sexy, turned into something completely different.

Will someone tell me what this is and who it appeals to?

Because there is nothing sexy about this at all. Which makes me think this really is some kind of athletic event. Because there is no stripper value here at all. This move is not needed or wanted in a club. Can it get worse? Of course it does or it wouldn’t be worth talking about.

Yeah, that’s just all bad. Maybe the still shot doesn’t do it justice…but I have to say I’m pretty sure the mere existence of this photo means there is no justice in the world. She’s holding herself up in the air with her back and one knee-pit. She decided “nude” was the best expression of her costume creativity. She’s smiling like she knows you like it.

And maybe you do.

Sick bastard.

So I’m amending my position. This is clearly a sport of some kind because these moves have no value in the real world. I’m sure they win $1,000, some pole shine, and the respect and admiration of their peers, so that’s got to be totally worth it.



Want To Compare Your Stroke To Tiger Woods? Try Joslyn James

It seems like so long ago. If you were like me, you were sitting around at Thanksgiving watching a little ESPN to get your football pregame on when the ticker came across saying Tiger Woods was in a car accident. My first thought was, is he hurt? Injured? Will he ever play again? Little did we know, We were about to find out about cheating, crazy text messages, deez hoes, and Tiger Woods was not going to touch another Major title for three years. It created lots of situations where Tiger hit the world with a lot of this:

On of his biggest problems at the time was Joslyn James. She was chick number 11. Tiger would leave her name at the front desk, she’s be at the hotels on tour. She’s a certified porn star. And one of the women who Tiger liked to send text messages to, complete with turrible ass smileys 🙂 Thank god Tiger wasn’t much of a picture dude, because it could have gotten ugly. Actually, it did get ugly. I covered it back in the day (its CRAZY). But here are some key excerpts:

Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore

Tiger:Sent: 04:02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you

Then of course, the killer when he almost got caught:

Tiger:Sent: 12:08 PM 10/04/2009:
Don’t Fucking talk to me. You almost just ruined my whole life. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there, Fuck

Nice guy, that Tiger. To be fair, Joslyn James might drive a dude crazy. She has sex as her profession. I’ve never personally been with a pro, but you have to appreciate anyone who is dedicated to their craft. I’m sure she could teach people a few things.

I know know if this means business is good or if business is bad, but Joslyn James is booking appointments at the famous Moonlight Bunny ranch outside of Vegas. You know my theory, stripper, porn star and prostitute are all the same profession, so this isn’t much of a surprise. The owner is promoting it by saying, “Now you can have a piece of Tiger’s Tail”. Clever. She’s pre-booking appointments. Meaning dudes who are executing the shadiest transaction known to the credit card industry are calling, putting their names down on a list, with a time, and plan on showing up. Uhhh, who are these guys, and what the hell are they thinking? Spontaneously paying for ass when you’re tanked up on liquor and the don’t ask, don’t tell policies of Vegas, I get it. But that appointment ho’n? I’m sure it’s nice to know a chick is down, she does tweet out pics like this on her Instagram. (NSFW level 4: Review the rules here) Don’t get me wrong, the chick has a hell of a promo video.

She actually seems like that chick in the club you DON’T want to mess with. Although I appreciate her friend’s dedication to the twerk back there behind her.

But who are the dudes who are sitting at home and thinking it would be cool to cut behind Tiger Woods? Is that a thing? Are those bragging rights? I hear playing Doral or Pebble Beach, but banging out one of Tiger’s old chicks? I don’t understand the appeal of that. I’m pretty sure the number one rule of having sex with a girl is not wanting to know what happened before you got there. Sure, the majority of Joslyn’s encounters are on tape, but still. Other than golfer Phil Mickelson, who might just want to know what it feels like to be able to do the things Tiger can do, I don’t get it.

In case you are one of Them and happen to be in Vegas the week of the 5th through the 12th, you can still book time to test your stroke against Tiger’s. Send in a full report and we’ll let you on Team Us. Ha.


Man Up Monday: Rich Dudes Who Still Need to Do This…

Every once in a while someone comes up with the perfect business plan. For example, whoever comes up with a way to change the process of moving so it isn’t the shittiest experience in life deserves to get rich. Right now the only way to get a sleeper sofa to the third floor is to lift that bastard and climb.

Pretty people kinda have it all. They get the benefit of the doubt. People go out of their way to help them. I’ve literally seen cute chicks get on the airplane with a big ass carry on and pantomime the process of actually lifting her bag into the overhead bin. She had no intention of lifting it, she was just going to use the power of cute to enchant the men around her to do her bidding. It worked. Immediately. I know my theory is right, because when you see the power of pretty being underused. Like have you ever seen a really cute chick working at McDonald’s and thought to yourself, “what the hell ar you doing here? Don’t you know someone will hire you to do something better than this?” Or, have you ever seen a hot homeless person?

No, breakdown Britney doesn’t count. Before you think too hard, I’ll answer that for you. No, no you haven’t. Because someone will rescue hot from the streets.

So check out this business plan. MissTravel.com has built an entire business around “beautiful people become prostitutes travel free”.

The website is just being straight up about people using their beauty as currency. Why stand in a club in Vegas waiting for some old, rich, white dude to offer to fly you to Bora Bora? You can just logon and allow them to fly you out with no actual footwork! The website literally filters these women out like a craigslist ad. Like a lineup at the Bunny Ranch. Sure, you get to travel anywhere in the world, but is it worth making that pussy payment when you get there?

I’m not even mad at it for leveraging sex as a form of payment, because that is exactly what this is. I will say this, the website is super shady about their ability to keep you safe. Here are the highlights:

  • Do not go anywhere with a stranger, especially if the person who meet you is not the one you are expecting.
  • Give your family or friends a copy of the passport and phone number of the person you are traveling with or visiting.
  • We do not perform background check on our members, so please proceed with extreme caution.

Doesn’t that sound great? Maybe no one reads the fine print on these things when a free plane ticket is involved, but damn they’re basically telling you that you might disappear.

So rich dudes sign up on this website and choose a beautiful woman to travel with them. But you have to know if a dude flies you halfway around the world, you aren’t getting a separate hotel room and you might have to pay for that ticket somehow.

Does that look like the appropriate price of a trip to Costa Rica? Or is that more of a New Zealand price tag? Look, I know rich dudes still need game. I know when you are a rich dude you really don’t have time to line up some international pimpin every time you go somewhere. But damn. Even President Obama’s secret service advance team knows how to scoop up some local talent and get em back to the hotel.

So rich dudes, come on, you already have an edge on the UvT Real Scale of 1-10. You have to do about 20% of the work the rest of us have to do and you are already willing to throw cash at a random chick to take her on vacation. That will actually work in real life too. Get out into the field and put in some time to get what you want.

Rich dudes, Man Up! You’re better than this.


Aggravated Pimpin Ain’t Easy

When I was younger I was pretty convinced the best crime ever was mayhem. It just sounded like running around and just causing trouble. Like a drunk mischievous St. Patrick’s Day leprechaun just knocking shit over. But Dominique Strauss-Kahn is taking it to another level. He just got arrested for “aggravated Pimping”.

He actually does look pretty aggravated there. How exactly do you pimp in an aggravated way? Are you just always disappointed in the effort level of your hoes? Do aggravated pimps wake up in the morning thinking pimping day after day is just wearing too hard on them? I’m pretty sure pimps lead a pretty non-aggravating life. Pimping isn’t exactly a 9 to 5 job. I’m sure the recruiting trail is pretty tough. Going to malls and fast food restaurants to find girls who want a daddy to keep em on the streets, but even then a pimp has to get home at night and think they just aren’t living too hard. It made me think about other kinds of pimping that might be out there.

Skeptical Pimpin.

Pleasant Pimpin:

Permed out Pimpin:

Palimony pimpin:

Presidential Pimpin

Bishop Magic in the green and gold is what I expect a pimp to look like. I’m not quite sure how you get aggravated. I’ll tell you what would be aggravating, from the facts of the case, it sounds like he was just hooking guys up with hoes he knew. Not actually making money off of the prostitutes. Can you be busted for pimping if you just get hoes the job and never take any money? Sure, that would make the worst pimp ever, but if there is no transaction it isn’t pimping is it?

So now if I ever get arrested, I’m going to request they put me down for aggravated pimpin. I feel like that would get me respect in gen pop. I’m going to try to get surly robbery and disinterested assault added if I can.


D’Angelo Gets Popped for Trying to Get Some Brown Sugar

Damn Homey, you used to be the man homey, what happened to you?  D’Angelo was in NY in his Range Rover when he decided he needed some head.

Now I don’t know about D’Angelo’s game, but I’m pretty sure walking into a bar and walking up the the nearest chick and saying, “I’m D’Angelo”, then dropping a few bars of “How Does it Feel?”…errrrrrr…”Untitled” and he would have been good.  But I guess D’Angelo didn’t have time for that buster-ass, trying to talk to women bullshit, because he decided to hit the streets of NY looking for a real hoe.  No, not the regular hoes that will trick for a few camera phone pictures, I’m talking exchange cash for sexual favors. Now I can only imagine that D’Angelo needed to pay for sex because he still looks more like this:

Then like this:


But instead of being able to find one of the thousands of real hoes/escorts/strippers in the city. D rolls up on an undercover police officer. Now see, here is a little tip about hookers.  If they look like people you might actually have sex with, they are probably cops.

These girls are waaaaaay hotter than real hoes.  Real hoes look like this chick.

Now I know you don’t pay women for the sex, you pay them to know when to leave.  But D’Angelo…come on bruh!  You’ve got to do better than this.  Sad as hell.


Eligible for Hotness, Softball Girl Revisited

I don’t know about you guys, but I always grew up with a pretty lowly image of “softball girl.”  Yall know who softball girl is, right?  Yep, it’s that same chick who played power forward on the girls basketball team.


And sure she used to have present and accounted for J’s back in 7th grade, but she had a cut and back fat to match.  And it didn’t matter if she was 6 feet or 5′ 5″, she was gonna go in there and get hers on the boards during gym class.  Of course, years later, when you happened to see her and “her son” at the lesbian softball game, you realized she was very gay all along.


Which is fine, but she almost always fitted that stereotype.  Big, blocky, bad hair, worse skin, and generally all jocked out.  Nice girl too.  I mean, softball girl was always cool.  She only wanted to be accepted.  ha  Yes, I know I’m an asshole, but it’s true.  And those dudes who played pick up with her know as well as I do that every now and then you really had to put some extra mustard on that crossover slash extra push off in that box out dash extra getty up on that double move to let her know that under NO circumstances would she EVER believe she was a better athlete than you.  But I digress.  Basically, softball girl was what SNL called “Drunk Girl” before she realized she hated her life and world and was easily able to obtain alcohol.  But studies have shown that what we once summarily dismissed as an automatic Sponge Chick Square Ass special, may have been premature.  Take the NCAA Champion Washington Huskies Softball team for instance.  Might they be breaking the mold?


Lol..  No?  Pank unis not good enough for ya?  Well how about now?


errrr now:


Now see…  haaaa dude, this pic is great by the way.  But this pic really does request you talk to the man in the mirror.  You must ask him if it’s time to make a change in your thinking of these heifers.  Now, clearly every single one of us is looking at the afro centric asian, half blue bikini, half amazing babe on the far right.  But one bad Filipino mami (she’s gotta be, right?) does not change such a deeply entrenched stereotype.  Let’s break this down.


Utimately, these chicks read like a bad spades hand.  Two and a possible.  And we all know that ain’t gonna win you the hand or change the lifelong perception that you’re just a bunch of chicks that were too hard for the volleyball team and too soft for the WNBA.  Though I must admit, the more I look at the size of ole Green’s bikini, the more intrigued I become.  You gotta wonder though, how do they roll on campus?  Are they hot like USC/ASU Cheerleaders, banging out and taking names or are they awful like the Omega Moos from Revenge of the Nerds (who actually were still banging out, without names)…


haaaaa ut oh.  It’s hard not to like what I’m seeing right chere. haaaa lord.  Next.


ahhh, that’s inconclusive and you can tell this guy aint hittin nan one of em.  Though it makes me wonder if old girl in the red is the possible from up top.  If so, she’s decent.  The blond is terrible. Next.


haaa, now this is a cat who is banging out some medium hot softball chicks.  Haa look at that expression.  Perfect.


haaa oh well. So these babes like to have a bit of fun.  What did we learn from all this? Generally, softball girl is who we thought she was:


But some of them are still hittable..which is pretty much what we already knew.  Everyone has to slumpbust every now and again.


– Lake

Instant Classic: Dear John

UvT Research Division bring you the goods if you ain’t got it yet.

For my money when he talks about they good with grabbing money, best part. But as the saying going “Father knows best”. I have to admit that Pops is on point on the tattoo issue.

Now this does not apply to all to all ladies tattoos. I have nothing against the lower back tat (read: tramp stamp) or the ankle ink. But once you go to the upper arm or the the tittay you’ve crossed the line into ho-itude.

Notable Upper arm Breast tatted ladies include:

Pam Anderson

Amy Whinehouse (Arm and Breastesess)

Eve (yes EVE)

And That Chick on the Corner with the Gold Weave

And that’s the upper echelon of tagged up chicas.

Now i’m also speaking from experience here. Against my better judgment i have dated both the upper arm and the chest inscribed variety, even thought the spider senses were tinglin. Eventually they all asked me for money.

This was Triple-B for UvT Research Division 6.


– Triple B

Natalie Dylan Auctions off Her Virginity for $3.7 Million

Meet Natalie Dylan.

Cute girl, right?  No angle 2, she’s not famous, so why are we talking about her you ask?  Because she is selling her virginity to the highest bidder.  What’s virginity go for these days?  I’m no specialist, but last time I was involved with a transaction of this type, I think it came out to three weeks of phone calls, dinner at Chili’s, a movie, and some of this here smooth talkin’.

Well the price of the kitty must be on the rise like gas prices, because this young lady is currently sitting on a bid of $3.7 Million.  Not a typo.  $3,700,000.  Three Million, Seven Hundred Thousand Dollars.

Damn.  I hope that isn’t the new market price because broke ugly dudes are going to be taking hand me downs for the rest of eternity.  There’s even a link to her site.  It’s not NSFW, but it is on the back end of the Moonlight Bunny Ranch, which is NSFW.

Peep this hot rhetoric:

“She comes to us here at the bunny ranch with a very special gift, Natalie is a virgin and would like to sell this priceless and rare commodity in a very exclusive and private setting.”

Exclusive and private setting?  Also known as a world renowned whore house where they film are reality TV show complete with bucking, ho psychology, and chicks getting broke off for cash on HBO?  So I hear.

She’s allegedly raising money for school (aren’t they all?) and doing a “research study” on the value of virginity.  Yeah, either that or she is actually selling the prostitute that every man thinks he’s getting?  Is she really just the most highly paid ho ever?  Hey Ashley, when guys go to prostitutes and try to find a girl who is on her “first time”, their looking for her first time as a pro because I assume they think she’s cleaner…not her first time ever.  They’re looking for girls who are already damaged…not girls who they are going to scar for life.  My bad, you’re selling the fantasy, let’s see how well you pull it off…

Let’s check the promo pictures.

Well, at least the young lady knows what she’s selling.  Wrapped it all up with a bow and everything.  She looks like she’s already in the industry too.  I know, I know, she’s not an actual prostitute, this is just a one time deal.

More shots.  Do you have to pay extra for those big ass feet?  Does the winning bidder have a “man feet” fetish?  Haaaaaa.  Nah, she’s a cute girl.  But who are these cats that are posting all of this loot?  Aren’t we in a recession?

I mean she’s probably got the weirdo rich cats who can’t get a lady.  The hard core pervs who want to do some wild prostitute stuff with a rookie.  The “nice guys” who want to meet and wife this chick.  And crazy idiots who don’t actually have this much money.

This auction has been running for months now too.  When does she shut this auction down?  Is she gonna top out?  Is that all income?  Does her pimp sponsor the Bunny Ranch get a cut?  Is she only clearing $2.0 million after taxes?  Oh and just so you know the bunny ranch keeps it classy, they also have nude pics of the pregnant bunny on the site (Lake’s fave) and “Air Force Amy”, the Bunny who “partied” with a midget on New Years Eve.  Their words…not mine.

Yeah.  The more I explain the worse this gets.  I don’t care how this chick is justifying this in her mind.  I know people always remember the first time, and I’m going to think that having the legacy of being a ho for your first time is going to come up in therapy at some point.

$3.7 for a rookie cut?  I hope whoever is spending that kind of loot is working on their tantra game right now.  For that kind of loot I’m not looking for a one shot deal.  I’m gonna need tops, bottoms, head, the killa, back do, hit them J’s, and she’s going to have to whip out a move I’ve never seen or heard of before…and we’re going to have to be back there for about a week and a half.  THEN I’m STILL going to have buyers remorse.