12 Days of UvT Christmas: Christmas Lists

When I was a kid I used to love making a Christmas list. I’d jack the Toys R Us circular and start circling the things I wanted. For kids it’s all good. You can get loose when all you want is a few action figures a DVD and a football.

But then kids start to get smart. I know I did. Sometimes you don’t get everything you want. Santa wants to play hardball. Okay big man. I know I wasn’t on the naughty list, so maybe I’m just asking for too much. How about this. High stakes game of chicken. I’m only asking for one thing. Nintendo 64. Bring it or you’re just an asshole. That was the best, especially when you open the GAME first. Hell yeah. Now I KNOW what’s in the big box.

Here’s my thing. Who are the grown ups walking around with Christmas lists? When people ask you what you want for Christmas, how do you tell them. Doing all the math in your head. You know you can hit mom for something around $100, your brother might break you off for $40-50. What happens when you overshoot? Actually, forget the details, why are you asking people to get you stuff anyway? And is there a worse feeling than not wanting anything then someone spends money on something you don’t like? Am I officially old if I actually really want some good socks this year?

I mean, I really appreciate a solid sock. One that isn’t going to slide into my shoe when I go for a run. What combination of Jesus and/or Santa do I have to holla at to make that happen?

Oh and for those expecting a gift from me, as Kanye said:

Haaaaa. That Kanye. He’s got assholery down to a science.


12 Days of UvT Christmas: Happy Holidays

You know what I hate about Christmas? The fact that being politically correct has forced everyone to start saying “Happy Holidays”. Somewhere the mix of religion and casual conversation turned into this issue where it is disrespectful to the religion of others. I know, I know. Christmas is an overbearing holiday. People who aren’t down with Santa have to hate all the music, the candy canes, the wreaths. I don’t know who started the Happy Holidays movement, but it might be he worst thing that has ever happened to the time of year that makes everyone happy. Besides, “Happy Holidays” is just code for “Merry Christmas”.  I dare you to find a picture that says Happy Holidays that isn’t red and green without Santa in it.

It doesn’t exist.

I say fack that. It’s time for everyone to rep your set. I’m talking militant style. I will walk into a Menorah lighting ceremony on day 4 and start singing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I will walk past a Jewish person, and I’m talking a Hasidic Jew, hat, temple curls, all that and give them a great big “Merry Christmas!” Just because they don’t believe what I believe doesn’t mean that I can’t share the joy and happiness that exists in my heart. Call it what you want, a “holiday tree” is a Christmas tree and everyone knows it. If you walk up to me and say Happy Holidays in a Santa hat and a red reindeer sweater…I know you believe in Jesus. And you know what? I’m okay with that.

I know, I know, people who don’t celebrate Christmas get dominated during this time of year. You can’t avoid it. You probably forget it’s the 25th, leave the house and forget that there ain’t a damn thing open. Don’t feel bad, at least you never have to wait in that ridiculous line for Santa.

That’s an OUTSIDE Santa line? Oh hail no. I gotta at least wait in the comfort of the mall with one a Wetzel’s pretzel in one hand and a Orange Julius in the other.

An Orange Julius sounds delicious right now. Like drinking a creamsicle. Now see, unlike Egg Nog, that’s a holiday drink I could get behind. What kind of liquor would go well with an Orange Julius? And which holiday would it be for? Martin Luther King day? Because Orange Julius sounds like a brother who was on the streets and had to get straight before he started marching with Dr. King.

That’s Julius on the far left next to the dude with a hat. His suit is actually orange, but you can’t tell because the picture is in black and white.

What was I talking about?

Right, standing up for what you believe in.

Let’s go back to the basics, I’m not offended if you hit me with a Happy Hannukah! I’ll take it. I’ll spin a Dreidel in your honor. So let’s agree. Christmas, Hannukah, Jesus’ birthday, whatever you are down with, just say that to people, I think it’s all okay. Go for it.

There is one ground rule though, you can only represent your own holiday. Don’t go around assuming people are Jewish and putting Happy Hannukah on them. And you best believe you damn sure better not just hit a random black man with Happy Kwanzaa. That’s worse than hitting a black man with “hey brotha” when you see them. Fighting words. I can’t even name a black person who actually celebrates Kwanzaa. Not one. If you need more information on this, please click here.


Man Up Monday: Kwanzaa

Happy Kwanzaa people! Kwanzaa started on December 26th and lasts until New Years Day.  According to Wikipedia, I owe you all a happy Ujamma today.

See, they’ve got a fake menorah and everything.

Look, I’m down with Black people and things that are made just for the Black people.  I’m down with the Jheri Curl, I’m down with the Afro pik, I’m down with Collard greens with ham hocks in em, I’m down all things strictly made for the brothers.

With that said, Kwanzaa pushes it a little too far.

Let’s just say I’m not going to be rocking the Dashiki with the jeans anytime soon.  Seriously, what is this, and why are they messing with my good Christmas cheer.  I need my Christmas tree, some stockings hung by the chimney with care, Santa, all that. The week long, Black version of Hanukkah doesn’t look like it is going to get me there.

This is Ron Karenga, founder of Kwanzaa:

Maaaaan.  He looks like one of my Uncles who decided to be like “I ain’t buying no damn Christmas presents this year. We’re not doing “Crimmas”, we doing “Kwansmas”, nah, Kwanzaa, I like that.  Somebody get me some black, red and green candles and some maize.  Oh, he was also a Black Panther, held up some chicks in his basement like Rick James.  Christmas has Jesus and Santa, Kwanzaa has this dude.

Christmas: 2

Kwanzaa: 0

Kwanzaa is built on Unity, Self-Determination, Collective Responsibility, Cooperative Economics, Purpose, Creativity and Faith.  Sounds great but is doesn’t have any swagger. Hanukkah has the miracle of the light that burned for eight days. Christmas has the immaculate conception of the son of God.  Kwanzaa has some fruit and a whole bunch of words no one can pronounce.  They need a Kwanzaa king or something.  That led us all to freedom.  And can fly.  Something we can believe in.  Give me a miracle, something.  We can use Barack, that still seems like a miracle.

Kwanzaa needs to Man Up and become relevant.  Otherwise it is just a stamp and a holiday card that doesn’t sell very well.  Move it to July or something, give it some space to work on its own.  Seriously, who knew it was Kwanzaa right now?  Talk about throwing a party that no one showed up to.

Kwanzaa…Man Up!

Oh and a supplemental Man Up to the Detroit Lions.

They locked up that perfect season today.  Can’t get any worse, right?  By the way, if you go back to last season, they only have one win since November 4th, 2007.  Ug-lay.

Pic via H8torade.


UvT Christmas Carol: All I Want For Christmas Is You

Christmas continues here at Us Versus Them so it is time for a little holiday music.  The Mariah Carey Christmas classic, “All I Want For Christmas is You”


Aw, my man really kills it on the high notes too.  All he’s missing is putting his finger in his ear when he takes it up top.

What do the pros think?

Simon always gets it right.

Is it fucked up if I run some William Hung right now?  Is it racist that one vocally challenged asian man reminds me of another? Hey, screw it, William Hung is always good.

If I keep messing around, I might run some Tay Zonday before the day is over.


Fried Turkey: Get With It

Long about 15 hours from now, I will be digging into some deep fried cajun goodness.  I know most of you have a momma who is going to be waking up at 5am to drop a turkey in the oven that will be in there all day long and hit you with that good old home style turkey.  There is a place for that, I’ll get with that too, but you’ve got to supplement it with this:

That’s right.  Whip out five gallons of oil, some cajun seasoning, a propane tank and some open flame and you can get a 12 pounder done in long about 55 minutes.  And let me tell you it is as delicious as it looks.

If you are a rookie you might end up with this:

I know it is supposed to be cajun style, but “cajun” is not code for “burnt”.  It is not supposed to be blackened.  The crazy thing?  That joint above is probably still delicious.

Oh, and don’t be stupid.  If your grease overflows the cooker and falls into that open flame of the burner, which is connected to a 20 pound tank of propane gas…you might die.

I mean you are basically cooking in napalm.  If shit goes wrong, you are completely screwed.  The deliciousness is soooo worth it though.  I’m getting hype right now.  I might go get a McDonald’s Sweet tea just to get my mind right.