UvT Fantasy Football League: For the 1%

I know 99% of you don’t care about this, but the UvT Fantasy Football league has a draft Saturday at noon ET (which I just realized is waaaaay too f’n early for me on a Saturday out here in Cali, but I’m a man of the people.) So it is fantasy football season, so you know what that means…a little bit of my turrible photoshop work.

I will say, this is the best, worst, photoshop I’ve ever done. I like it. I am prepared to have the worst draft ever this year. I haven’t read a magazine, set a draft strategy, watched preseason highlights, nada. I’m about to be don’t know who is injured dude. I’m about to be didn’t know that guy was traded and is now fourth on the depth chart on a shitty team dude. I know I’m “who are the elite running backs” dude. Because I have no idea.

I’m glad we’re only playing for a t-shirt that doesn’t exist. whew.

So let’s run some classic fantasy football posts. Here is the updated version of everything you need to know about Fantasy Football. Here are some classic Fantasy Football guys.

Last Year’s Champ: Being the champ is the reason you play Fantasy Football. Not only to you get loot if you are in a pay league, but you get to talk shit right up until that final league championship game is played.  Fantasy Football is a little skill, a lot of paying attention, and a little bit of luck. On the slim chance you get there, milk it.

I still talk about the championship I won a few years ago. I bought myself a belt and never passed it on. I gotta get back to the top.

Not Prepared Guy:  This is the asshole that shows up with a list with the top 50 players on it, some pocket lint, a pack of twizzlers and no fuckin clue what he is doing.  You gotta love and hate this guy.  You love him because it means he’s going to clear out some bullshit players and you are going to come up on some cats you might not have had a shot on.  Then you hate him because he ends up trying to jack your resources once he realizes he doesn’t know anyone who plays football other than Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Aaron Rogers, and Arian Foster.

Home Team Guy: This cat has a big slant toward his home team no matter what. Just because he’s from New Orleans, he’s grabbing  the Saints D and doesn’t care that half the players are suspended, Drew Brees, he’s calling Sean Peyton at home to see if he can get some draft help. First of all, this is a horrible strategy move. You’ve got to spread all the points out a little bit. You want to screw this guy up? Draft his players and make him overpay you to get them back.

Best Player Available Guy: You always feel bad for this dude.  There is always one cat drafting in a position where he never really gets to player he wants so he ends up settling for a player that isn’t quite as good.   Then suddenly he looks up and his entire squad ain’t shit. Like I’m drafting 7th this year. I think I’m just about in that spot. He wants Tom Brady and gets Jay Cutler. He’s gunning for Arian Foster, but is stuck with taking Frank Gore.  This guy actually knows what he’s doing, he just can’t catch a break.

The “Is Aaron Rodgers Available?” in the fifth round Guy:  No.  No he’s not.

2010 All-Star team guy:  This is the cat who is semi-prepared but always falls for the big name.  Sometimes this guy goes completely off the deep end and takes a dude who might not make a roster. He ends up taking cats who were hot two years ago. Here’s some free advice for this guy, T.O., Chad Johnson, and Plaxico Burress are not in the league anymore. You’re welcome.

Trades too much guy: This guy gets to the regular season and apparently thinks you score points by the number of adds and drops he makes over the course of the season. It’s annoying. It keeps everyone on the waiver wire for no good reason. It is also annoying as hell.

Overprepared Guy:  This dude is running algorithms and peeping bye weeks for the entire 15 rounds.  Listen player, it’s round 13.  It isn’t going to make or break you if you are going to pick up your handcuff RB or a shitty backup TE mmmkay?  Just pick.  You aren’t a damn clairvoyant, and fantasy football is 50% luck and alchemy anyway. Just order another beer and have a good time.  Thanks. (I’m totally this guy by the way)

Always Messing Up Guy:  This dude is the one who blows up the draft. He ends up taking the auto-pick player. His internet connection isn’t right, He didn’t number or mark his draft sheets so once the get shuffled, he can’t get right. It’s all bad.

Doesn’t Pay Guy: I just found out my entire league was full of these guys. Apparently my league of 12 grown men couldn’t get themselves together to pay. Gotta hate this guy. We are just a few friends having fun, the money makes it interesting. The worst version of this guy is the one who won’t pay because he finds out he has a bad draft position. The funny thing about “doesn’t pay guy” is that if his season actually goes well, he wants you to hit him with that cash from the league immediately.

Not as Good as the Thinks He is Guy: Hey, stop talking about how Bill Belichick won’t punch it in with his starting running backs when he is up big. That is not why you lost the game. You lost because you suck at this. Sure, everyone gets lucky every once in a while and can ride a breakout player to some wins, but for you, you are trying to make an exception look like the rule. This guy is also probably one of the other guys above and has no idea what he’s doing.

Finally, some general fantasy tips.

Remember the biggest rule of fantasy. You can’t win on draft day, but you can sure as hell lose on draft day. Good luck out there everyone.

-Brock

 

Bob Kraft Might Be The Best Boyfriend Ever

Now see, when an older man dates a younger woman everyone thinks the worst. They always assume that she’s a golddigger, or that he’s just in it for to get at a young, fresh piece of tail and suddenly nothing else matters. It’s just not true. Look at this picture.

They  both look happy. That’s his girlfriend Ricki Lander. He’s the billionaire owner of one the most successful football franchise of the last decade. She’s…hot and her boob is coming out. But she’s also an aspiring actress, and you can’t send in an audition tape without someone to help you read lines.

Bob showed up and gave it his all. I want to show you the video, but it’s embarrassing as hell, and when you’re a billionaire apparently you can get people to pull shit off of YouTube faster than the internet can put it up. It isn’t even worth trying to track down. I’ve never seen anything like it. I will say he does get off a “F*ck you pussy” and a punch before it is all over.

Where is Roger Goodell? Where is the $50,000 fine? This is the wildest shit to hit the NFL in years. You’re telling me Pacman Jones making it rain in the club is worse than this? I didn’t see videotape of that. You’re telling me football players getting bounties to do what they were going to do anyway is worse than this? I didn’t see tape of that either. The most respected billionaire owner in the league hanging with his 30 year old girlfriend and dropping “F*ck You Pussy” on tape? That’s the kind of behavior that doesn’t properly represent the league as far as I’m concerned.

You gotta respect a billionaire putting himself out there for his lady though. He could have hit her with that Ozzie Guillen.

Now that I think about it, that would have been preferable.

I expect a stern response from the league office.

-Brock

The Pittsburgh Steelers Are Going To Look CRAZY Next Year

When Nike took over the NFL uniforms a few weeks ago, I was actually unreasonably excited. I was never a Reebok guy, so in some weird way I didn’t like rocking my hometown Falcons hat with the Reebok logo on the side. I probably shoudn’t care because a hat and a t-shirt are about as far as I’m gonna go. Grown men in athletic uniforms never felt right to me and I definitely can’t rock that look. So I probably shouldn’t be too invested. But then the unis came out and everything looked pretty much the same.

Of course Nike peppered it up with their proprietary tech. Dri-fit here, flywire there. But everything in that picture looks like the standard NFL uni. With Nike’s Oregon Ducks uniforms and those crazy versions they throw on Michigan State, Ohio State and Boise State on big game days, you know Nike has some tricks in their pocket. These unis could have come out looking like this.

That would be the Bills, The Patriots, The Who Fucking knows what that McDonalds looking monstrosity is supposed to be, the Steelers and the Dolphins. Even when thinking about it, I was pretty sure the NFL wouldn’t really let things get out of hand. They like it pretty traditional. Plus, if they go this way, they should also implement my NBA 3.0 achievement badge concept.

Apparently, I was wrong. In the articles launching the new uniforms, there was a throw away line mentioning that Nike couldn’t overhaul the uniform designs for another few years, so they would probably play around and have some fun with the throwback unis. I didn’t think anything of it until I saw this.

I’m not sure you can win a game when you are so embarrassed about your uniform you feel the need to hide in the bathroom when you have it on. Also, there is never a reason for an outfit to have two different shades of yellow. UvT rule number 72, on fashion states, in part: If you are going to something fashionably adventurous, you are allowed to pick ONE THING, keep everything else simple. If you wear ANYTHING yellow, that is already your one thing. Doubling up on your yellow with striped socks is going for the triple dandy. Dude looks like an inmate in the most FABULOUS jail ever. Where did Nike get their inspiration on this one? One of the designers listening to Blind Melon on a brutal work night?

Luckily, I did find one dude who was hype about the new unis and already had his game outfit ready.

The steelers might as well strap on the wings and the stinger on this one, they are going to look crazy when they step on the field. I’m a little scared to see what Nike is going to do with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers creamsicle throwbacks. That could be a complete debacle. Hopefully they rock that look for the Falcons game. We could use the win.

-Brock

 

The SECOND Worst Way To Get Caught Cheating

So the FIRST worst way to get caught cheating is when you wife walks in on you banging some chick out in your own bed. That is still the most agressive, ridiculous thing you can possibly do. Seriously, what were you thinking?

But the second worst way has to be the way Bobby Petrino went down.

No, it isn’t just because a grown man decided to take his hawg out into the side streets of Arkansas thinking he was a big bad man. No, not just because he thought riding a motorcycle made him think he was this dude, when if you actually think about it really isn’t that aspirational.

But because this guy got into a horrible motorcycle wreck and tried to show up at work the next day like it was all good. It was great. in Arkansas they thought he was the greatest tough guy of all time. You see that neck brace up there. That isn’t the bullshittin’ whiplash neck brace, that is the get carted off the football field version of the neck brace. Hard plastic, gotta turn all the way around to see what is going on behind you, can’t see your own dack neck brace.

Things were all good until the REST of the information came out. That one person crash he was in? Yeah, it was a two person crash. The other person? Yeah, it was a 25 year old staff member. A chick. A former volleyball player.  She’s bad too.

If you ever wanted to know what your HR department at work calls a classic sexual discrimination case, this is pretty much it. Wait. He also supposedly gave her favorable treatment. Oh…and he also allegedly broke her off with $20,000 on the side. So we’ve got lying. Money. Favorable treatment. Yeah, that is pretty much a guaranteed loss of your job no matter how many games you won in the SEC. There is literally no way the school could keep him. They are gonna get sued. Guaranteed. This just means they will have to break every female member of the staff off with an “settlement” of 100K instead of $750K a piece.

I wonder if he gave her a Woo Pig Sooie too.

Terrible. I just went too far. I’m still mad a Bobby for dipping out on the Falcons mid-season.

Add this to my list of reasons only assholes ride motorcycles. Which I haven’t actually written yet, but trust me it’s a long list. I know, I know. There are loyal members of #TeamUs who ride motorcycles. I’m still down with you, but if you reflect, you’re all assholes too. It’s okay. I’m an asshole and I can freely admit it. I’m just not a motorcycle riding asshole. We end up in the same place, we just get there different ways. I get there by talking shit. You get there by driving on the line on the freeway, wearing that helmet with the built in mohawk, and wearing a full neon green bodysuit like that is actually acceptable. See, we aren’t all that different.

-Brock

 

Man Up Monday: New England Patriots

The New York Giants won the Superbowl, beating the Patriots…Again.

Sure, everyone was leaning New York this year, but everyone just knew the Patriots were going to pull it out. When you are Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, you aren’t supposed to lose two Superbowls in a row. All the old school wisdom of “guys who get there and lose know what it takes to get the win” doesn’t really look like such good advice right now. The New York Giants seem to have the Patriots number at this point. That and the Patriots completely forgot how to pass the ball in the second half.

I have to imagine it is getting ugly in New England. You know who I blame? Chad Ochocinco. If dude was even remotely effective, even as a decoy he could have helped. Did you ever think Chad Johnson-cinco would be in a Super Bowl and everyone would barely recognize he was there. Next year the league will barely recognize he was there because he’s probably not going to be in the league. Maybe he can hook back up with T.O. and do Real Ex-Players of Cincinnati.

Bill Belichick’s “crazy genius” is going to be a little less impressive without the Super Bowl wins. Also, once he was busted for “Spygate” he hasn’t been soo good at winning Super Bowls. Uh-oh. Once of the biggest rules of life is that you can be a crazy asshole when you are winning, but once you start losing, you kinda just look like a homeless dude who found some hand me down Patriots gear.

Add a beard and I’m pretty sure he looks just like the dude at my exit on the freeway. Side note. I believe when I reference the Us Versus Them rulebook, Rule #28 is “Cutoff shorts only look good on women.” That rule was developed in reference to jean shorts, because I couldn’t imagine a grown man trying to make shorts out of any other material. But Belichick is rocking cuttoff sweats. Not only that, but the fact that the shorts are cuttoffs means he chose that length. I’m pretty sure he would have been sent home from my middle school for shorts that short. That much thigh is simply unacceptable.

So Eli Manning and the Giants win the Superbowl and I think Eli might actually smile when he gets to Disney World.

Maybe not. Remember 5 months ago when everyone was outraged that Eli Manning even suggested that he was a top 5 QB in the league? How no one could believe Eli thought he was “Elite”? There was a two week discussion about how much Eli Manning sucked. Every “expert” on TV was putting Eli firmly in that second tier of QB’s. Now, there are three QB’s playing with more than one Superbowl ring. Eli, Tom Brady and Ben Rothlesberger. We judge skills with wins, right? Eli basically balled up all that criticism and issued a big “Screw You” to the world last night.

So New England Patriots, Man Up! If you need a point of reference, check out Eli over there. His coach was about to get fired about 5 weeks ago. He just brought him home the big trophy.

-Brock

Worst. New Year’s. Ever.

New Year’s Eve is up there with those Hallmark Holidays that someone just made up. Sure, it is nice to mark the start of a new year, because once you get out of college, the years all start to run together. Otherwise, the countdown, the Champagne, Ryan Seacrest, who really needs it?

Most of the time when you think about New Year’s Eve celebrations, you realize they are all kinda sad. People falling asleep too early, drunk for no reason because no one knows what their tolerance level is for champagne, stupid paper hats and noise makers. Noise makers are ironically the most accurately descriptive as well as laziest, saddest name for a thing ever.

Anyway, it took me 11 days, but I’ve officially found the saddest New Year’s celebration ever.

Poor Adrian Peterson. He can’t even get his drink right. A pint of Bluebell Ice Cream? I can’t tell if his face is telling me he’s trapped in the saddest birthday party ever, or if he’s still high on the meds and doesn’t know where the hell he is or how he woke up naked in a hospital with nothing but to plastic top hats, a noise maker, and a pint of ice cream. Like he’s in a really shitty version of the Hangover.

Get well soon AP.

-Brock

 

 

2011 UvT Awards: Man Of The Year

Early on I thought Charlie Sheen had a good shot at UvT Man of the Year. I don’t think anyone could match the level of I don’t give a fuckitude that Charlie was cranking up at the beginning of the year. It was really amazing. He was doing interviews from lawn chairs in his driveway. He was talking about how he had the blood of the gods coursing through he veins. It wasn’t just like watching a train wreck. It was watching a train wreck every hour on the hour for three weeks straight.

Even train wrecks get boring if they happen all the time. Unfortunately, Charlie began to buy his own bullshit and actually believing the things he said about himself.

Here’s a tip Charlie. When you think you are so important people give a damn about your chocolate milk, you’ve gone way too far. No one is that important.

He was no longer spontaneously awesome. He was a dude trying to be spontaneously awesome while peddling t-shirts and making sure he hit all his catch phrases. Seriously, if you see anyone wearing a Tigers Blood t-shirt you have my permission to slap them on site. Unless they work at Ringling Brothers as a tiger trainer, then it would be a delightfully ironic shirt for them to wear. They get a pass.

So the Us Versus Them Man of the year award goes to the one man who held his ground and did exactly what he wanted to do no matter what anyone said about him. The entire world told him he was wrong and he did exactly what he wanted anyway. Even in an environment where that shouldn’t be possible.

Timothy Richard Tebow

That’s right. Tim Tebow is the UvT Man of the Year.

I know, I know it sounds weird at first. But here is why he is #TeamUs. He broke every rule for Quarterbacks in the NFL. He can’t really throw and never fixed his throwing motion. Do you know how big of an asshole you have to be to throw like that and still think you can win NFL games? He still doesn’t look super comfortable under center, and he made his team change their entire offense to a version of the Florida Gators offense from 2008. For 8 weeks, he made every “expert” in the country talk about how it wasn’t possible for him to win games, and yet he went out there and won them. One more win and the WINS HIS DIVISION and takes a 1-4 team into the Playoffs. You know how big your balls have to be to pull that off?

Yeah, about that big.

He won games and he did it all with a smile on his face. I’m pretty sure Tim Tebow doesn’t say “fuck you” too often, if ever, but every time they dropped a “W” into the record column for the Denver Broncos, I imagined Tebow flicking the double bird directly at Merrill Hoge and his ridiculously big tie knot. He could  justify going all Bart Scott and hitting em with a “To all the Non-Believers. Thanks Tom Jackson, You too Keyshawn” but he just kept it cool and was just happy to be there, singing “my God is an Awesome God the whole way.

Even his team, the Denver Broncos, didn’t want him to succeed. You know back in week 2 when they were catching louder and louder “Tee-Bow” chants at every game, they had a meeting where they said “screw it, throw the kid in for a game or two just so the fans can see how much he sucks and will be with this”. You could see the look on John Elway’s face every week as his Tebow handcuffs got tighter and tighter.

Elway looked more comfortable taking that helicopter hit than he did when Tebow won.

Tebow is even setting off trends. I know everyone likes to all it “Tebowing”, but the kid is actually praying. It isn’t a patented, unique move. He’s talking to God.

There was one thing I needed to make sure I checked out before I made this award though. Tebow is so strong in his faith that he was able to remain a virgin at University of Florida while leading them to two national championships. He must have been deflecting gator tail like he was Steve Irwin. But now, he’s supposedly “good friends” with Lindsay Vonn. In Virgin speak, I’m pretty sure that means he’s at least touched a boob, which to a virgin has to feel like having sex with three women in a Brazilian “spa”. So I’m gonna just have to judge his taste, is Lindsay Vonn UvT Quality? There is only one way to judge. A classic angle 2.

See how the “U” is bigger than the “SA”? Yeah, that’s UvT Quality. Well done Tim.

So congrats to Tim Tebow on UvT Man of the Year. Now win this weekend against the Chiefs so you don’t make me look bad.

-Brock

———————–UPDATE——————

Now dude is winning playoff games? I’m not gonna say I called it two weeks ago…but I called it two weeks ago.

Your boy,

Brock

Testing Football Cliché: Tim Tebow vs. Andrew Luck

As you can probably tell from this site. I watch a lot of sports, especially football. I also listen to a lot of sports analysis and watch a lot of SportsCenter. I really enjoy it. But there is something that is bothering me. I’m tired of the “conventional wisdom” about Quarterbacks. Just last week we talked about the QB shuffle in the NFL. But I want to talk about just two quarterbacks. One who is in the NFL and the other is not in the NFL yet. I’m talking about Tim Tebow and Andrew Luck.

First things first. Apparently everyone in the NFL can look at these two pictures and tell you that Andrew Luck is going to be the greatest QB of his generation, and Tebow has the worst throwing motion in the history of throwing. I have a lot of problems with this. Let’s start at the top.

1. Tim Tebow will never be a good NFL QB because of the way the throws.

I actually can’t argue much here, the guy has supposedly been working on his throwing for two years and last Sunday, he still brought the ball down by his hip on every throw before he let it go. It isn’t a great idea.

They were analyzing the throwing motion on TV this week and basically said that Tim Tebow takes so long to throw the ball that they can bring a blitz every time and get to him almost every down. I’m thinking that isn’t the first thing you are looking for in a QB.

2. Nothing matters in the NFL other than getting the “W”.

Apparently not. Tim Tebow has won NFL games. He is winning NFL games. Andrew Luck hasn’t won a single NFL game and people are damn near ready to induct him into the hall of fame because the kid has good mechanics. How far is breaking down game tape going to go? If a guy stands tall in the pocket and throws from above his shoulder with his eyes downfield makes him a star? Matt Leinart had pretty damn good mechanics. So did Brady Quinn. They have both played about 90 minutes more NFL football than I have and the only place I can read a defense is on Madden. Which brings me to a point about Andrew Luck. Today someone called Luck “the best College QB in the last 20 years.” I beg to differ. I’ll go with the guy with Where are his national championships? Tebow has 2. Hell, Matt Leinart, who hasn’t done a damn thing in the league has 2. Isn’t it that what it is all about? What makes Luck so special?

I will say that Andrew Luck has a hot football name. Rocking a jersey with “Luck” on the back is pretty awesome.

3. Merril Hoge is a dick.

Okay, that’s not common football wisdom, but it doesn’t make it any less true. I know he stuck in the league for 7 years, I know he had a hard road back as he battle through some crazy life issues, but that shouldn’t be a license for him to talk nearly the amount of shit he whips out on the air. It is one thing to criticize someone or analyze their abilities. But at this point he actually seems to be rooting for Tebow to fail. That’s just not right.

4. Mobile QB’s cant be great QB’s.

This is the other strike against Tebow. I don’t care what the play is, Tebow is going to play it like he is calling an audible to the wildcat every single time. Cam Newton is doing his best to prove this one wrong. Dude is a mobile QB, and he is currently carving up the NFL. Impressive, but he’s only won two games. Still more than Andrew Luck.

Bottom line, a Quarterback does need to be able to do their job. Most days, that means getting the ball to their receivers. They need to be able to throw. But the big version of their job is to win the game and lead the team. Tebow seems to have that down cold. So I’m not willing to hate on the kid until he starts losing. I’m also not ready to call Andrew Luck the best player in thew world until I see him win some games in that Colts, Rams, or Seahawks jersey.

Plus we all know Tebow isn’t playing by the regular rules anyway.

Tebow was born to play on Sundays.

-Brock