I know 99% of you don’t care about this, but the UvT Fantasy Football league has a draft Saturday at noon ET (which I just realized is waaaaay too f’n early for me on a Saturday out here in Cali, but I’m a man of the people.) So it is fantasy football season, so you know what that means…a little bit of my turrible photoshop work.
I will say, this is the best, worst, photoshop I’ve ever done. I like it. I am prepared to have the worst draft ever this year. I haven’t read a magazine, set a draft strategy, watched preseason highlights, nada. I’m about to be don’t know who is injured dude. I’m about to be didn’t know that guy was traded and is now fourth on the depth chart on a shitty team dude. I know I’m “who are the elite running backs” dude. Because I have no idea.
I’m glad we’re only playing for a t-shirt that doesn’t exist. whew.
So let’s run some classic fantasy football posts. Here is the updated version of everything you need to know about Fantasy Football. Here are some classic Fantasy Football guys.
Last Year’s Champ: Being the champ is the reason you play Fantasy Football. Not only to you get loot if you are in a pay league, but you get to talk shit right up until that final league championship game is played. Fantasy Football is a little skill, a lot of paying attention, and a little bit of luck. On the slim chance you get there, milk it.
I still talk about the championship I won a few years ago. I bought myself a belt and never passed it on. I gotta get back to the top.
Not Prepared Guy: This is the asshole that shows up with a list with the top 50 players on it, some pocket lint, a pack of twizzlers and no fuckin clue what he is doing. You gotta love and hate this guy. You love him because it means he’s going to clear out some bullshit players and you are going to come up on some cats you might not have had a shot on. Then you hate him because he ends up trying to jack your resources once he realizes he doesn’t know anyone who plays football other than Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Aaron Rogers, and Arian Foster.
Home Team Guy: This cat has a big slant toward his home team no matter what. Just because he’s from New Orleans, he’s grabbing the Saints D and doesn’t care that half the players are suspended, Drew Brees, he’s calling Sean Peyton at home to see if he can get some draft help. First of all, this is a horrible strategy move. You’ve got to spread all the points out a little bit. You want to screw this guy up? Draft his players and make him overpay you to get them back.
Best Player Available Guy: You always feel bad for this dude. There is always one cat drafting in a position where he never really gets to player he wants so he ends up settling for a player that isn’t quite as good. Then suddenly he looks up and his entire squad ain’t shit. Like I’m drafting 7th this year. I think I’m just about in that spot. He wants Tom Brady and gets Jay Cutler. He’s gunning for Arian Foster, but is stuck with taking Frank Gore. This guy actually knows what he’s doing, he just can’t catch a break.
The “Is Aaron Rodgers Available?” in the fifth round Guy: No. No he’s not.
2010 All-Star team guy: This is the cat who is semi-prepared but always falls for the big name. Sometimes this guy goes completely off the deep end and takes a dude who might not make a roster. He ends up taking cats who were hot two years ago. Here’s some free advice for this guy, T.O., Chad Johnson, and Plaxico Burress are not in the league anymore. You’re welcome.
Trades too much guy: This guy gets to the regular season and apparently thinks you score points by the number of adds and drops he makes over the course of the season. It’s annoying. It keeps everyone on the waiver wire for no good reason. It is also annoying as hell.
Overprepared Guy: This dude is running algorithms and peeping bye weeks for the entire 15 rounds. Listen player, it’s round 13. It isn’t going to make or break you if you are going to pick up your handcuff RB or a shitty backup TE mmmkay? Just pick. You aren’t a damn clairvoyant, and fantasy football is 50% luck and alchemy anyway. Just order another beer and have a good time. Thanks. (I’m totally this guy by the way)
Always Messing Up Guy: This dude is the one who blows up the draft. He ends up taking the auto-pick player. His internet connection isn’t right, He didn’t number or mark his draft sheets so once the get shuffled, he can’t get right. It’s all bad.
Doesn’t Pay Guy: I just found out my entire league was full of these guys. Apparently my league of 12 grown men couldn’t get themselves together to pay. Gotta hate this guy. We are just a few friends having fun, the money makes it interesting. The worst version of this guy is the one who won’t pay because he finds out he has a bad draft position. The funny thing about “doesn’t pay guy” is that if his season actually goes well, he wants you to hit him with that cash from the league immediately.
Not as Good as the Thinks He is Guy: Hey, stop talking about how Bill Belichick won’t punch it in with his starting running backs when he is up big. That is not why you lost the game. You lost because you suck at this. Sure, everyone gets lucky every once in a while and can ride a breakout player to some wins, but for you, you are trying to make an exception look like the rule. This guy is also probably one of the other guys above and has no idea what he’s doing.
Finally, some general fantasy tips.
Remember the biggest rule of fantasy. You can’t win on draft day, but you can sure as hell lose on draft day. Good luck out there everyone.