Bob Kraft Might Be The Best Boyfriend Ever

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Now see, when an older man dates a younger woman everyone thinks the worst. They always assume that she’s a golddigger, or that he’s just in it for to get at a young, fresh piece of tail and suddenly nothing else matters. It’s just not true. Look at this picture.

They  both look happy. That’s his girlfriend Ricki Lander. He’s the billionaire owner of one the most successful football franchise of the last decade. She’s…hot and her boob is coming out. But she’s also an aspiring actress, and you can’t send in an audition tape without someone to help you read lines.

Bob showed up and gave it his all. I want to show you the video, but it’s embarrassing as hell, and when you’re a billionaire apparently you can get people to pull shit off of YouTube faster than the internet can put it up. It isn’t even worth trying to track down. I’ve never seen anything like it. I will say he does get off a “F*ck you pussy” and a punch before it is all over.

Where is Roger Goodell? Where is the $50,000 fine? This is the wildest shit to hit the NFL in years. You’re telling me Pacman Jones making it rain in the club is worse than this? I didn’t see videotape of that. You’re telling me football players getting bounties to do what they were going to do anyway is worse than this? I didn’t see tape of that either. The most respected billionaire owner in the league hanging with his 30 year old girlfriend and dropping “F*ck You Pussy” on tape? That’s the kind of behavior that doesn’t properly represent the league as far as I’m concerned.

You gotta respect a billionaire putting himself out there for his lady though. He could have hit her with that Ozzie Guillen.

Now that I think about it, that would have been preferable.

I expect a stern response from the league office.

-Brock

The Pittsburgh Steelers Are Going To Look CRAZY Next Year

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When Nike took over the NFL uniforms a few weeks ago, I was actually unreasonably excited. I was never a Reebok guy, so in some weird way I didn’t like rocking my hometown Falcons hat with the Reebok logo on the side. I probably shoudn’t care because a hat and a t-shirt are about as far as I’m gonna go. Grown men in athletic uniforms never felt right to me and I definitely can’t rock that look. So I probably shouldn’t be too invested. But then the unis came out and everything looked pretty much the same.

Of course Nike peppered it up with their proprietary tech. Dri-fit here, flywire there. But everything in that picture looks like the standard NFL uni. With Nike’s Oregon Ducks uniforms and those crazy versions they throw on Michigan State, Ohio State and Boise State on big game days, you know Nike has some tricks in their pocket. These unis could have come out looking like this.

That would be the Bills, The Patriots, The Who Fucking knows what that McDonalds looking monstrosity is supposed to be, the Steelers and the Dolphins. Even when thinking about it, I was pretty sure the NFL wouldn’t really let things get out of hand. They like it pretty traditional. Plus, if they go this way, they should also implement my NBA 3.0 achievement badge concept.

Apparently, I was wrong. In the articles launching the new uniforms, there was a throw away line mentioning that Nike couldn’t overhaul the uniform designs for another few years, so they would probably play around and have some fun with the throwback unis. I didn’t think anything of it until I saw this.

I’m not sure you can win a game when you are so embarrassed about your uniform you feel the need to hide in the bathroom when you have it on. Also, there is never a reason for an outfit to have two different shades of yellow. UvT rule number 72, on fashion states, in part: If you are going to something fashionably adventurous, you are allowed to pick ONE THING, keep everything else simple. If you wear ANYTHING yellow, that is already your one thing. Doubling up on your yellow with striped socks is going for the triple dandy. Dude looks like an inmate in the most FABULOUS jail ever. Where did Nike get their inspiration on this one? One of the designers listening to Blind Melon on a brutal work night?

Luckily, I did find one dude who was hype about the new unis and already had his game outfit ready.

The steelers might as well strap on the wings and the stinger on this one, they are going to look crazy when they step on the field. I’m a little scared to see what Nike is going to do with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers creamsicle throwbacks. That could be a complete debacle. Hopefully they rock that look for the Falcons game. We could use the win.

-Brock

 

The SECOND Worst Way To Get Caught Cheating

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So the FIRST worst way to get caught cheating is when you wife walks in on you banging some chick out in your own bed. That is still the most agressive, ridiculous thing you can possibly do. Seriously, what were you thinking?

But the second worst way has to be the way Bobby Petrino went down.

No, it isn’t just because a grown man decided to take his hawg out into the side streets of Arkansas thinking he was a big bad man. No, not just because he thought riding a motorcycle made him think he was this dude, when if you actually think about it really isn’t that aspirational.

But because this guy got into a horrible motorcycle wreck and tried to show up at work the next day like it was all good. It was great. in Arkansas they thought he was the greatest tough guy of all time. You see that neck brace up there. That isn’t the bullshittin’ whiplash neck brace, that is the get carted off the football field version of the neck brace. Hard plastic, gotta turn all the way around to see what is going on behind you, can’t see your own dack neck brace.

Things were all good until the REST of the information came out. That one person crash he was in? Yeah, it was a two person crash. The other person? Yeah, it was a 25 year old staff member. A chick. A former volleyball player.  She’s bad too.

If you ever wanted to know what your HR department at work calls a classic sexual discrimination case, this is pretty much it. Wait. He also supposedly gave her favorable treatment. Oh…and he also allegedly broke her off with $20,000 on the side. So we’ve got lying. Money. Favorable treatment. Yeah, that is pretty much a guaranteed loss of your job no matter how many games you won in the SEC. There is literally no way the school could keep him. They are gonna get sued. Guaranteed. This just means they will have to break every female member of the staff off with an “settlement” of 100K instead of $750K a piece.

I wonder if he gave her a Woo Pig Sooie too.

Terrible. I just went too far. I’m still mad a Bobby for dipping out on the Falcons mid-season.

Add this to my list of reasons only assholes ride motorcycles. Which I haven’t actually written yet, but trust me it’s a long list. I know, I know. There are loyal members of #TeamUs who ride motorcycles. I’m still down with you, but if you reflect, you’re all assholes too. It’s okay. I’m an asshole and I can freely admit it. I’m just not a motorcycle riding asshole. We end up in the same place, we just get there different ways. I get there by talking shit. You get there by driving on the line on the freeway, wearing that helmet with the built in mohawk, and wearing a full neon green bodysuit like that is actually acceptable. See, we aren’t all that different.

-Brock

 

Man Up Monday: New England Patriots

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The New York Giants won the Superbowl, beating the Patriots…Again.

Sure, everyone was leaning New York this year, but everyone just knew the Patriots were going to pull it out. When you are Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, you aren’t supposed to lose two Superbowls in a row. All the old school wisdom of “guys who get there and lose know what it takes to get the win” doesn’t really look like such good advice right now. The New York Giants seem to have the Patriots number at this point. That and the Patriots completely forgot how to pass the ball in the second half.

I have to imagine it is getting ugly in New England. You know who I blame? Chad Ochocinco. If dude was even remotely effective, even as a decoy he could have helped. Did you ever think Chad Johnson-cinco would be in a Super Bowl and everyone would barely recognize he was there. Next year the league will barely recognize he was there because he’s probably not going to be in the league. Maybe he can hook back up with T.O. and do Real Ex-Players of Cincinnati.

Bill Belichick’s “crazy genius” is going to be a little less impressive without the Super Bowl wins. Also, once he was busted for “Spygate” he hasn’t been soo good at winning Super Bowls. Uh-oh. Once of the biggest rules of life is that you can be a crazy asshole when you are winning, but once you start losing, you kinda just look like a homeless dude who found some hand me down Patriots gear.

Add a beard and I’m pretty sure he looks just like the dude at my exit on the freeway. Side note. I believe when I reference the Us Versus Them rulebook, Rule #28 is “Cutoff shorts only look good on women.” That rule was developed in reference to jean shorts, because I couldn’t imagine a grown man trying to make shorts out of any other material. But Belichick is rocking cuttoff sweats. Not only that, but the fact that the shorts are cuttoffs means he chose that length. I’m pretty sure he would have been sent home from my middle school for shorts that short. That much thigh is simply unacceptable.

So Eli Manning and the Giants win the Superbowl and I think Eli might actually smile when he gets to Disney World.

Maybe not. Remember 5 months ago when everyone was outraged that Eli Manning even suggested that he was a top 5 QB in the league? How no one could believe Eli thought he was “Elite”? There was a two week discussion about how much Eli Manning sucked. Every “expert” on TV was putting Eli firmly in that second tier of QB’s. Now, there are three QB’s playing with more than one Superbowl ring. Eli, Tom Brady and Ben Rothlesberger. We judge skills with wins, right? Eli basically balled up all that criticism and issued a big “Screw You” to the world last night.

So New England Patriots, Man Up! If you need a point of reference, check out Eli over there. His coach was about to get fired about 5 weeks ago. He just brought him home the big trophy.

-Brock

Worst. New Year’s. Ever.

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New Year’s Eve is up there with those Hallmark Holidays that someone just made up. Sure, it is nice to mark the start of a new year, because once you get out of college, the years all start to run together. Otherwise, the countdown, the Champagne, Ryan Seacrest, who really needs it?

Most of the time when you think about New Year’s Eve celebrations, you realize they are all kinda sad. People falling asleep too early, drunk for no reason because no one knows what their tolerance level is for champagne, stupid paper hats and noise makers. Noise makers are ironically the most accurately descriptive as well as laziest, saddest name for a thing ever.

Anyway, it took me 11 days, but I’ve officially found the saddest New Year’s celebration ever.

Poor Adrian Peterson. He can’t even get his drink right. A pint of Bluebell Ice Cream? I can’t tell if his face is telling me he’s trapped in the saddest birthday party ever, or if he’s still high on the meds and doesn’t know where the hell he is or how he woke up naked in a hospital with nothing but to plastic top hats, a noise maker, and a pint of ice cream. Like he’s in a really shitty version of the Hangover.

Get well soon AP.

-Brock

 

 

2011 UvT Awards: Man Of The Year

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Early on I thought Charlie Sheen had a good shot at UvT Man of the Year. I don’t think anyone could match the level of I don’t give a fuckitude that Charlie was cranking up at the beginning of the year. It was really amazing. He was doing interviews from lawn chairs in his driveway. He was talking about how he had the blood of the gods coursing through he veins. It wasn’t just like watching a train wreck. It was watching a train wreck every hour on the hour for three weeks straight.

Even train wrecks get boring if they happen all the time. Unfortunately, Charlie began to buy his own bullshit and actually believing the things he said about himself.

Here’s a tip Charlie. When you think you are so important people give a damn about your chocolate milk, you’ve gone way too far. No one is that important.

He was no longer spontaneously awesome. He was a dude trying to be spontaneously awesome while peddling t-shirts and making sure he hit all his catch phrases. Seriously, if you see anyone wearing a Tigers Blood t-shirt you have my permission to slap them on site. Unless they work at Ringling Brothers as a tiger trainer, then it would be a delightfully ironic shirt for them to wear. They get a pass.

So the Us Versus Them Man of the year award goes to the one man who held his ground and did exactly what he wanted to do no matter what anyone said about him. The entire world told him he was wrong and he did exactly what he wanted anyway. Even in an environment where that shouldn’t be possible.

Timothy Richard Tebow

That’s right. Tim Tebow is the UvT Man of the Year.

I know, I know it sounds weird at first. But here is why he is #TeamUs. He broke every rule for Quarterbacks in the NFL. He can’t really throw and never fixed his throwing motion. Do you know how big of an asshole you have to be to throw like that and still think you can win NFL games? He still doesn’t look super comfortable under center, and he made his team change their entire offense to a version of the Florida Gators offense from 2008. For 8 weeks, he made every “expert” in the country talk about how it wasn’t possible for him to win games, and yet he went out there and won them. One more win and the WINS HIS DIVISION and takes a 1-4 team into the Playoffs. You know how big your balls have to be to pull that off?

Yeah, about that big.

He won games and he did it all with a smile on his face. I’m pretty sure Tim Tebow doesn’t say “fuck you” too often, if ever, but every time they dropped a “W” into the record column for the Denver Broncos, I imagined Tebow flicking the double bird directly at Merrill Hoge and his ridiculously big tie knot. He could  justify going all Bart Scott and hitting em with a “To all the Non-Believers. Thanks Tom Jackson, You too Keyshawn” but he just kept it cool and was just happy to be there, singing “my God is an Awesome God the whole way.

Even his team, the Denver Broncos, didn’t want him to succeed. You know back in week 2 when they were catching louder and louder “Tee-Bow” chants at every game, they had a meeting where they said “screw it, throw the kid in for a game or two just so the fans can see how much he sucks and will be with this”. You could see the look on John Elway’s face every week as his Tebow handcuffs got tighter and tighter.

Elway looked more comfortable taking that helicopter hit than he did when Tebow won.

Tebow is even setting off trends. I know everyone likes to all it “Tebowing”, but the kid is actually praying. It isn’t a patented, unique move. He’s talking to God.

There was one thing I needed to make sure I checked out before I made this award though. Tebow is so strong in his faith that he was able to remain a virgin at University of Florida while leading them to two national championships. He must have been deflecting gator tail like he was Steve Irwin. But now, he’s supposedly “good friends” with Lindsay Vonn. In Virgin speak, I’m pretty sure that means he’s at least touched a boob, which to a virgin has to feel like having sex with three women in a Brazilian “spa”. So I’m gonna just have to judge his taste, is Lindsay Vonn UvT Quality? There is only one way to judge. A classic angle 2.

See how the “U” is bigger than the “SA”? Yeah, that’s UvT Quality. Well done Tim.

So congrats to Tim Tebow on UvT Man of the Year. Now win this weekend against the Chiefs so you don’t make me look bad.

-Brock

———————–UPDATE——————

Now dude is winning playoff games? I’m not gonna say I called it two weeks ago…but I called it two weeks ago.

Your boy,

Brock

Testing Football Cliché: Tim Tebow vs. Andrew Luck

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As you can probably tell from this site. I watch a lot of sports, especially football. I also listen to a lot of sports analysis and watch a lot of SportsCenter. I really enjoy it. But there is something that is bothering me. I’m tired of the “conventional wisdom” about Quarterbacks. Just last week we talked about the QB shuffle in the NFL. But I want to talk about just two quarterbacks. One who is in the NFL and the other is not in the NFL yet. I’m talking about Tim Tebow and Andrew Luck.

First things first. Apparently everyone in the NFL can look at these two pictures and tell you that Andrew Luck is going to be the greatest QB of his generation, and Tebow has the worst throwing motion in the history of throwing. I have a lot of problems with this. Let’s start at the top.

1. Tim Tebow will never be a good NFL QB because of the way the throws.

I actually can’t argue much here, the guy has supposedly been working on his throwing for two years and last Sunday, he still brought the ball down by his hip on every throw before he let it go. It isn’t a great idea.

They were analyzing the throwing motion on TV this week and basically said that Tim Tebow takes so long to throw the ball that they can bring a blitz every time and get to him almost every down. I’m thinking that isn’t the first thing you are looking for in a QB.

2. Nothing matters in the NFL other than getting the “W”.

Apparently not. Tim Tebow has won NFL games. He is winning NFL games. Andrew Luck hasn’t won a single NFL game and people are damn near ready to induct him into the hall of fame because the kid has good mechanics. How far is breaking down game tape going to go? If a guy stands tall in the pocket and throws from above his shoulder with his eyes downfield makes him a star? Matt Leinart had pretty damn good mechanics. So did Brady Quinn. They have both played about 90 minutes more NFL football than I have and the only place I can read a defense is on Madden. Which brings me to a point about Andrew Luck. Today someone called Luck “the best College QB in the last 20 years.” I beg to differ. I’ll go with the guy with Where are his national championships? Tebow has 2. Hell, Matt Leinart, who hasn’t done a damn thing in the league has 2. Isn’t it that what it is all about? What makes Luck so special?

I will say that Andrew Luck has a hot football name. Rocking a jersey with “Luck” on the back is pretty awesome.

3. Merril Hoge is a dick.

Okay, that’s not common football wisdom, but it doesn’t make it any less true. I know he stuck in the league for 7 years, I know he had a hard road back as he battle through some crazy life issues, but that shouldn’t be a license for him to talk nearly the amount of shit he whips out on the air. It is one thing to criticize someone or analyze their abilities. But at this point he actually seems to be rooting for Tebow to fail. That’s just not right.

4. Mobile QB’s cant be great QB’s.

This is the other strike against Tebow. I don’t care what the play is, Tebow is going to play it like he is calling an audible to the wildcat every single time. Cam Newton is doing his best to prove this one wrong. Dude is a mobile QB, and he is currently carving up the NFL. Impressive, but he’s only won two games. Still more than Andrew Luck.

Bottom line, a Quarterback does need to be able to do their job. Most days, that means getting the ball to their receivers. They need to be able to throw. But the big version of their job is to win the game and lead the team. Tebow seems to have that down cold. So I’m not willing to hate on the kid until he starts losing. I’m also not ready to call Andrew Luck the best player in thew world until I see him win some games in that Colts, Rams, or Seahawks jersey.

Plus we all know Tebow isn’t playing by the regular rules anyway.

Tebow was born to play on Sundays.

-Brock

 

Fantasy Football and the Quarterback Shuffle

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The NFL season is in full swing now and I’ve been loving it so far. To think, a lockout almost robbed us of this great action. The 49ers are dominating out West, the Packers have picked right back up where they left off, Cam Newton isn’t winning games, but he’s looking like a damn good loser, and Peyton Manning proves that his is literally worth 12 wins all by himself.

First things First:

I still owe a recap of the UvT Fantasy Football league. It is really starting to become obvious who the great teams are an who should just quit now. Team Coco and Turd Ferguson are leading each division and only have one loss each. The bye weeks are taking their toll. In other news, there are three 1-5 teams. Yeah, 6 weeks one win. It’s just sad. One of those wins (she shall remain nameless) came because I thought her team was so weak I thought I could beat her squad without an RB and a WR. I know, I know, that’s pretty cocky. But that’s how I get down. I still only lost by 32 (squads score 300+ most weeks so that isn’t as bad as it sounds.)

I’m trying to get Mr. Jezus to hit us with a more detailed recap.

Now on to the news that everyone other than the 12 people in the league care about.

Quarterbacks are always at the center of the NFL, but they are in the middle of everything this week. We already know Peyton Manning turned the Colts from an actual football team into a winless and kinda sad joke. But I guess that is what happens when you let your QB run the whole show.

The early QB news was that touchdown Jesus himself, Tim Tebow is finally getting the start in Denver.

Unfortunately, Tim Tebow is getting the start by winning the “screw it, this can’t get any worse” bowl in Denver. Tebow has the swagger down, but I sure hope the kid can actually play NFL football. I guess we are about to find out. Of course, the collateral damage in this move was Brady Quinn. He somehow lost his job as backup QB without stepping on the field at all. Either he was so terrible in practice he lost his job, or the Broncos are so terrible they feel like they better just go on ahead and pull the trigger on the longshot, backup, backup plan. At least it can’t get any worse.

Second, Carson Palmer is now an Oakland Raider.

Come one Carson, I thought you retired. I guess all that talk was just talk, huh? We knew you were just playing hardball with the Bengals but damn, I’ve got to give you props for taking it all the way to the wall. It took two injuries and a ludicrous trade offer to get him back in the game. But dammit, Al Davis would have been proud of this one. The Raiders have 4 wins and they are ready to see if they can make it to the Superbowl RIGHT NOW. They just pitched big picks in 2012 and 2013 in order to try to win now. It is really classic Raiders and Al Davis because the Raiders are so desperate they forgot Carson Palmer hasn’t actually been a good QB in about 4 seasons. Sure, that might be because he was on the Bengals, but I personally never trust “I’ve been working out on my own and I’m still in football shape”. No you aren’t. Good luck on Sunday big fella, your boy Ochocinco might be looking for a job soon if he doesn’t start catching balls in New England. Maybe he can come to Oakland too.

Donovan McNabb?

Yeah, that pretty much sums up your season player. You are making a 42 year old Brett Favre’s turrible season last year look like Marino in his prime. That safety you took last weekend was just sad. Where is bowling ball McNabb? Where are the moves?

I guess you left em in Philly. By the way, with Donovan McNabb looking like he will never play again and Albert Haynesworth looking slow in New England…maybe Shanahan in Washington isn’t such a big asshole after all.

I think the Redskins changed their QB this week too. Anyone know who was starting? Gus Frerrotte? Danny Wuerffel? Doesn’t matter.

Now if I can just get the Falcons to get a few more wins under their belt. Those Lions this weekend are gonna be real. Hopefully not real ugly…

-Brock

 

 

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