Brock & Lake take on the world...
Because who in their right mind would buy this shirt?
Because it is a $25 t-shirt that just says “The” on it.
Your answer is that they are smart because you are essentially walking around with a game of Wheel of Fortune on your chest.
Your answer is that they are dumb because, as I believe I mentioned before, it is just a shirt with the word “The” on it.
-Brock
I was still getting my second half nachos tight when I came back and heard the lights were out at the Super Bowl. My first thought was this:
Then I remembered that Shawn Merriman was only good for about 3 seasons, was probably on that stuff for all of this decent years and hasn’t been relevant for a good 4 seasons. So he couldn’t have been the one who turned the lights out. Then I remembered it was in New Orleans. You know there were a good 30 seconds where everyone in the Super Dome thought it was either Katrina Part 2, or some wildness about to go down. I know the Super Bowl snipers were ready. Don’t sleep, there is someone hidden up there somewhere waiting to take someone out if they detected a threat.
For guys who make a living talking on television, the commentators sure as hell didn’t know how to fill the 30 minute gape caused by the blackout, that was some of the worst tv I’ve ever seen. How many times did they try to tell us how long it takes a fluorescent light back on? Great reporting fellas.
Finally they said it was a power surge. Well, I know who is responsible for that.
Maybe we should talk to the chick who danced on top of a 40 foot wide LED screen for 20 minutes. I think she might have had something to do with it. She’s got Destiny’s children exploding all up out of the stage. She’s dancing with multiple versions of herself. Beyonce blew up the Super Bowl. If you are going to give us 6 years of old musical acts because of Janet Jackson’s boob, maybe we can ease off on the crazy displays during the halftime shows for the next few years. After all, we are here for a football game. I like a Beyonce concert as much as the next guy, but I’m here for the game.
Of course, there is also the game inside of the game. Like the horrible play of the Niners special teams that made Jim Harbaugh do this.
In real time that looked like a really legit tantrum, but every time you look at it on a loop it gets worse and worse. What’s that big loopy thing he’s doing with his arms? Is that a dismount? I like how he goes right hand, left hand, both hands, but he really doesn’t get any velocity on those two laminated sheets of paper. Those khaki pants aren’t doing him any favors either. He should have saved that anger for the last play of the fourth quarter when there was a no call on holding…because that was clearly holding.
Am I the only one who actually needed more shots of Ray Lewis crying? Yeah? Just me? Lucky I keep a few handy.
I’m just glad they didn’t give Ray the MVP s a parting gift. They barely mentioned his name after the game started. I forgot he was out there for a second. Luckily, he will be right at a desk on ESPN the second football is back next season. I look forward to it. Yes I’m being sarcastic. Oh well, it’s another 7 months until football comes back. I guess I’ll kinda watch basketball until March Madness and the NBA playoffs, then ignore sports until next September. That plan has always worked well for me before.
-Brock
Now that I’ve finally recovered from the Falcons losing to the Niners last week we can start to talk about this Super Bowl. Somehow, Ray Lewis got injured and completely hijacked the playoffs this year. Somehow Ray Lewis is making a comeback and retiring at the same time. How does that work? At least we only have to see this one more time.
Yeah, that’s the old school version with the extra hip wiggle. I guess you don’t have to dance well as long as you dance hard. But Ray is so ridiculous right now, the dance isn’t even close to the most ridiculous thing he’s doing right now.
Did you see him at the beginning of the AFC Championship game? During the National Anthem, and we’re not talking about Beyonce here, I’m talking a three-part harmony country, “why are those other two dudes even there?”, version. Ray lost it like Whitney Houston came back to life to sing the Star Spangled Banner with Michael Jackson on backup vocals, Jimi Hendrix on guitar, and Jesus himself on drums.
I can’t take a grown man with face paint and a durag seriously. Ray is crying before the game, after the game. Crying at the crib thinking about the game. Crying while he’s watching the game tape. I don’t know how he can take it, because I sure as hell can’t take it anymore.
I understand football is an emotional game, but Ray can’t manage to hold it together at all. What the hell is causing this? Was his rehab for the injury just watching The Notebook over and over again? Did he have a Rudy marathon before the Notre Dame national championship game and get inspired by Rudy Ruettiger living his dream? Did he have a sit down with Tim Tebow about his future in the league?
I’m actually scared of what will happen to Ray if the Ravens manage to win the SuperBowl. Here he is after the last win.
Ray Lewis is really putting in some religious work right now. If the Ravens get that Lombardi trophy, Ray might just go ahead and roll out a full sermon, die, resurrect himself, and try to make the holy trinity a holy quadrinity or whatever four holy things would be called. The Father, Son, the Holy Spirit and Ray Lewis. Maybe then, Ray would be able to quote some deeper scripture. “No weapon formed against me shall prosper?” Come on Ray, we all know that one. And what weapon are you talking about? Your triceps injury? Everyone loves you Ray. You’ve been in the league since the 90′s. I can’t name one person who hates Ray Lewis. Okay, maybe that dude you may or may not have murdered in Atlanta, but you can’t really blame them.
Ray, try to turn it down a bit this Sunday. I don’t want to see a man spontaneously explode on the field.
-brock
Manti Te’o's life was SO much better two months ago. He was a Heisman candidate and one of the most dominant defensive players in the country. Notre Dame was the number one team in the country. Te’o was a lock to be one of the top players taken in the draft. 
I’ve read this story about three times already and I still don’t know what the hell is going on here. Back in September his Grandmother and girlfriend both died on the same day and Manti had a beast game that next weekend at Michigan State. Everyone just found out that the girlfriend did not exist.
Did. Not. Exist.
Not at all. Come to find out this girl was put together out of thin air, Facebook pictures, a phone number and a few text messages. But my man Manti was talking like they were about to get married and this was the worst tragedy that ever hit anyone. I don’t know about you and your girlfriends, but if anyone has a main lady who they have never met in real person, that ain’t your lady. I know dudes who don’t claim women while the woman is in the room. Dude’s who don’t claim women who live with them. Don’t claim women who they have kids with. And I’m talking about in private conversations where NO ONE is going to find out. When you claim your girl on NATIONAL TELEVISION. Look, you could be MARRIED. You take off that ring, the only people who know are your friends, your momma, you and God. When you announce your girl on national TV, you are telling the whole world you’re off limits. Hell, AJ McCarron is dating Miss Alabama and he still had a conversation with Brent Musburger after the National Title Game for blowing his spot up. What’s AJ supposed to do with this now?
I like how Manti Te’o had enough technology to have a relationship completely on the internet, but apparently never heard of Skype. If I’m having a long distance relationship, I’m cranking up the webcam, skype, some facetime, something. The phone calls get old quick.
It’s all tough. The BEST CASE scenario at this point is that he was tricked online. That’s pretty horrible. I’m sure dude went through real emotion. He actually seems like a good guy.
The horrible middle option is that he made all this up himself in order to get more attention. That’s horrible. But at least I’d know the kid wasn’t a total victim. But this doesn’t seem likely.
The WORST CASE scenario, what I will call the Tiger Woods, scorched earth theory, the Man-Lie Gay’bro if you will. is that this is an ex-gay lover, spurned by Manti who set up a fake persona to get back at Manti. Te’o, so willing to hide his sexuality in an environment where he is a Hawaiian Mormon at a Catholic school was so desperate to have a beard that he went with the e-beard. And he was so ready to spread the word far and wide he was willing to accept this ridiculous fake chick and spread the word far and wide.
I’m not mad at him for having a digital relationship though. But don’t feel sorry for him. He may have been naive but he was having sex. This might be a little NSFW, but we’ve obtained photographic proof that Manti actually had sex with his girl. It’s a little graphic, but we have a picture of Manti performing oral sex on his girl.Brace yourself.
Don’t borrow his computer. His spacebar doesn’t work anyway.
One good thing. I used to pause and guess every time I had to say his name. Now I know exactly how to pronounce it. Everyone else does too.
-Brock
Since my updating schedule has been erratic at best, Jezus hisself decided to offer up some supplemental content for the people. Sure, he’s bucking shots at my fantasy football team, but as the winless squad, I deserve it.
So here’s a UvT Fantasy Football update from Mr. Jezus. Enjoy.
-Brock
————————————
By Mr. Jezus:
Alright, since Brock is busy doing bullshit…I mean making his “show” some body got to drop a joint for Us. Lemme see if I can give it a go. What should I talk about…
Oh I know! How bout that turrible ass UvTFF team of his!
Team Name: TeamUs (Oh and his abbreviation is HARD. Yes you read that right. HARD. As in HARD as hell to get a win up in here)
Roster:
QB: Michael Vick/Joe Flacco
RB: Forte/J. Stew/Jacquizz Rodgers/
WR: Megatron/Maclin/Reggie Wayne/Domenik Hixon/Miles Austin
TE: Gates/Martellus Bennett
DEF: 49ers/Packers
K: Tynes/Bailey (I only put kickers because you decided to carry 2, yet only carry 3 RB’s)
Editors Note: One of my kickers had a bye week and my other two RB’s were LeGarrette Blount (f’n terrible) and Beanie Wells who ain’t coming back anytime soon. Jacquizz was literally the only back who had scored out there.
Now, I want to rewind real quickly. Look at that team. Everyone agrees their pretty shitty right? To Brock’s credit he tweeted out that he had performed 0 prep. Not 1 mag. Not 1 article. No Matthew Berry ish. Nothing. That would have been okay to have a squad like this. But oh no! Not this guy. He followed that up with “Going Mike Vick! No, I am not drafting Mick Vick, I am going to do it all based on talent alone!”
Here is a picture of Mick Pick & Andy Reid before opening kickoff Week 1:
Look at Andy “Please let this fool come through…”
Here is Mick Pick every 4th play since kickoff:
Now, you could have been playing Flacco all this time, considering he is elite. Wait, no one thinks that but him. Nevermind.
We are allowed to carry 4 RB’s in this league. RB’s score the most pts in this league. Yet you only carry 3. And not even 3 good ones. WTF?
Editors Note: Jezus has proposed me random combinations of players to take every decent player I have as if I want to REALLY lose the rest of my games and make his team better in the process. Can’t hurt to ask I guess…
Forte I can understand. Stewy? Why? Then, the Quizz?
Is this your ATL fan coming through? That’s turrible man, turrible.
You need to cut one of them K’s and go pick up Tolbert! I mean, can’t hurt!
I want to say we are only in Week 6. You can turn this around! But let’s be honest. You need to be happy I didn’t let this guy in the league…
-Jezus
I’m a big supporter of NFL Football. But with the exception of my Atlanta Falcons sitting at 3-0, this season is a complete mess. Let’s start with the easy stuff.
Replacement Refs:
You know what’s the worst part about this picture? The outcome of the game? No. Knowing RIGHT NOW that we will DEFINITELY be talking about this in January as the playoff schedule gets put together? Horrible, but not the worst thing. The fact that this isn’t about replacement refs and their inexperience. This isn’t about the NFL putting a horrible product on the field. But the fact that this issue is all about RACISM and no one is talking about it.
Why is it racist?
Because the BLACK REF gets the call right and the WHITE REF is calling a touchdown. Does the brother get his respect for getting the right call in a high pressure situation? Hell Naw. The head referee rolled right up and went with the call of the white dude. Always want to believe the white man. It’s a damn shame. We could straighten all this out if it wasn’t for racism. See? It isn’t out in the open anymore. Racism is underground, insidious. Keep your eyes open people. I need the ESPN reporters to cover that angle. God knows they’ve worn out every other angle possible.
New Orleans Saints:
The New Orleans Saints are winless this season. I guess coaches actually do something on Sundays. Who knew? The Saints can’t get it together at all. So here’s my question, do they take down this ridiculous picture of Sean Payton that is hanging up on the practice field?
I guess being threatened by a 30 foot tall picture of your coach who isn’t allowed in the building anymore isn’t working as proper motivation for grown ass men. I’m supposed to be scared of you when you aren’t even allowed in the building? Nilla please. The other problem? Is the meanest Sean Payton can look the duckface? If you want to rock a picture of Blue Steel as motivation, you might as well go all the way.
If the Saints win this weekend, you know who’s responsible.
Same look on Sean Payton’s face though. His picture is more ridiculous than this one.
My UvT Fantasy Team:
I don’t have much room to talk about the Saints though because my Fantasy Squad is also 0-3. Now I’m not an excuse guy, but I think I may have drafted every injured player in the league. Check it out.
All those “Q’s” don’t stand for “Quick, put him in your lineup because he’s awesome”, it stands for “Questionable”. I’m gonna go ahead and admit the majority of the choices I made were questionable, but I didn’t need to catch this many L’s this early in the season.
Even with all this, I lost my first game by 3 points because of a scheduling problem, then I got beat up the last two weeks. I gotta get a win. It’s kinda embarrassing. I’m gonna rally for the people though. I think I might only have another 2 losses before I’m essentially out of the playoffs. That’s not Team Us level effort. Otherwise I might have to put this squad out to pasture.
The NFL settles with the referees in 5…4….3…2…
-Brock
Last week was the biggest Fantasy Football draft weekend of the season. I’ve seen a lot of guys get in there with a bunch of different techniques. Back in the day, the running backs would be the only players taken well into the middle of the second round. If you took a QB with the 11th pick in the first round, you would probably catch a few laughs. Now, in the UvT League Aaron Rogers went FIRST.
Then one of my boys said something during another draft that got me thinking. What if you drafted an all white fantasy squad? Could that actually work? I told him I would actually draft around all the white players in the league just to see what would happen.
QUARTERBACK: Clearly this squad has lots of choices at QB. Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, Tom Brady. It just depends on what your style is and who you think is going to have the best year. The all white fantasy squad will live or die based on the strength of their quarterback…Just like a real football team. Until RG3 and Cam get a ring team white is gonna be strong.
That was easy. Team White is strong so far. Too bad fantasy football doesn’t draft individual offensive line positions, they would dominate there too. Let’s go to another easy position.
TIGHT END: The tight end spot is another place where you know you’re going to get the best preseason fantasy pick at this position. Rob Gronkowski will hold you down. He set records last season and doesn’t seem to be slowing down. He’s real classy player too, here’s a pic of him with a few ladies.
At least he scores on the field. Does the picture of a NFL All Pro make the facebook page when said player is making the universal sign for eating…pussy chicken wings with no napkins….what did you think I was going to say you dirty bastards? I’m also gonna binary scale this and go 0-1-0-0-0. I know what you’re thinking, “Brock. Where did the extra rating come from? There are only four girls in the picture. More importantly…who got the one?”
I’m counting the girl on the table. I can only see her from the waist down so I’m trusting that is in fact a woman, and that she’s really working with something up there. Gronk seems to like it though.
Almost forgot what we were talking about. Right, fantasy squads. This is where it starts to get tricky.
WIDE RECEIVER: Yikes. I’ve got to break out some reference materials on this one. You’ve got to go Wes Welker as your #1, I’m gonna go with Jordy Nelson as #2, and then you have to dig deep and pick up Austin Collie. Congratulations if you’re in A PPR league, otherwise…don’t depend on many points from the WR position. You aren’t gonna be depending on breakaway speed here.
This is getting tough. Wait a minute, I just remembered there is another easy position.
KICKER: Take your pick. No further discussion.
RUNNING BACK: I dont’ think there are two legit white RB’s in the league. Peyton Hills aaaaaaand…who exactly? Danny Woodhead? Fine choices. Just know that this guy:
Is gonna be matched up against this guy:
Your only advantage is that sometimes he’s also this guy:
So you might be able to catch Arian Foster on an off day. Good luck with that.
DEFENSE: Team defense is tricky. There are a lot of different ways to try this. I’m going to go with the team in the whitest city. Congratulations you just drafted the Seattle Seahawks defense.
That is a real picture. If you can find a black person I’ll send you a UvTee.
Did I get it right? Are there players you would rather have? Can someone set up a league JUST for the express purpose of running this experiment? Hit me in the comments to let me know if there is something I missed and to let me know what we should call them. Here’s my first shot at a team name.
The White Tees.
-Brock
Yes, I realize I might have just started the great UvT racist flame wars of 2012. Let’s try to keep it clean in the comments folks.
I know 99% of you don’t care about this, but the UvT Fantasy Football league has a draft Saturday at noon ET (which I just realized is waaaaay too f’n early for me on a Saturday out here in Cali, but I’m a man of the people.) So it is fantasy football season, so you know what that means…a little bit of my turrible photoshop work.
I will say, this is the best, worst, photoshop I’ve ever done. I like it. I am prepared to have the worst draft ever this year. I haven’t read a magazine, set a draft strategy, watched preseason highlights, nada. I’m about to be don’t know who is injured dude. I’m about to be didn’t know that guy was traded and is now fourth on the depth chart on a shitty team dude. I know I’m “who are the elite running backs” dude. Because I have no idea.
I’m glad we’re only playing for a t-shirt that doesn’t exist. whew.
So let’s run some classic fantasy football posts. Here is the updated version of everything you need to know about Fantasy Football. Here are some classic Fantasy Football guys.
Last Year’s Champ: Being the champ is the reason you play Fantasy Football. Not only to you get loot if you are in a pay league, but you get to talk shit right up until that final league championship game is played. Fantasy Football is a little skill, a lot of paying attention, and a little bit of luck. On the slim chance you get there, milk it.
I still talk about the championship I won a few years ago. I bought myself a belt and never passed it on. I gotta get back to the top.
Not Prepared Guy: This is the asshole that shows up with a list with the top 50 players on it, some pocket lint, a pack of twizzlers and no fuckin clue what he is doing. You gotta love and hate this guy. You love him because it means he’s going to clear out some bullshit players and you are going to come up on some cats you might not have had a shot on. Then you hate him because he ends up trying to jack your resources once he realizes he doesn’t know anyone who plays football other than Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Aaron Rogers, and Arian Foster.
Home Team Guy: This cat has a big slant toward his home team no matter what. Just because he’s from New Orleans, he’s grabbing the Saints D and doesn’t care that half the players are suspended, Drew Brees, he’s calling Sean Peyton at home to see if he can get some draft help. First of all, this is a horrible strategy move. You’ve got to spread all the points out a little bit. You want to screw this guy up? Draft his players and make him overpay you to get them back.
Best Player Available Guy: You always feel bad for this dude. There is always one cat drafting in a position where he never really gets to player he wants so he ends up settling for a player that isn’t quite as good. Then suddenly he looks up and his entire squad ain’t shit. Like I’m drafting 7th this year. I think I’m just about in that spot. He wants Tom Brady and gets Jay Cutler. He’s gunning for Arian Foster, but is stuck with taking Frank Gore. This guy actually knows what he’s doing, he just can’t catch a break.
The “Is Aaron Rodgers Available?” in the fifth round Guy: No. No he’s not.
2010 All-Star team guy: This is the cat who is semi-prepared but always falls for the big name. Sometimes this guy goes completely off the deep end and takes a dude who might not make a roster. He ends up taking cats who were hot two years ago. Here’s some free advice for this guy, T.O., Chad Johnson, and Plaxico Burress are not in the league anymore. You’re welcome.
Trades too much guy: This guy gets to the regular season and apparently thinks you score points by the number of adds and drops he makes over the course of the season. It’s annoying. It keeps everyone on the waiver wire for no good reason. It is also annoying as hell.
Overprepared Guy: This dude is running algorithms and peeping bye weeks for the entire 15 rounds. Listen player, it’s round 13. It isn’t going to make or break you if you are going to pick up your handcuff RB or a shitty backup TE mmmkay? Just pick. You aren’t a damn clairvoyant, and fantasy football is 50% luck and alchemy anyway. Just order another beer and have a good time. Thanks. (I’m totally this guy by the way)
Always Messing Up Guy: This dude is the one who blows up the draft. He ends up taking the auto-pick player. His internet connection isn’t right, He didn’t number or mark his draft sheets so once the get shuffled, he can’t get right. It’s all bad.
Doesn’t Pay Guy: I just found out my entire league was full of these guys. Apparently my league of 12 grown men couldn’t get themselves together to pay. Gotta hate this guy. We are just a few friends having fun, the money makes it interesting. The worst version of this guy is the one who won’t pay because he finds out he has a bad draft position. The funny thing about “doesn’t pay guy” is that if his season actually goes well, he wants you to hit him with that cash from the league immediately.
Not as Good as the Thinks He is Guy: Hey, stop talking about how Bill Belichick won’t punch it in with his starting running backs when he is up big. That is not why you lost the game. You lost because you suck at this. Sure, everyone gets lucky every once in a while and can ride a breakout player to some wins, but for you, you are trying to make an exception look like the rule. This guy is also probably one of the other guys above and has no idea what he’s doing.
Finally, some general fantasy tips.
Remember the biggest rule of fantasy. You can’t win on draft day, but you can sure as hell lose on draft day. Good luck out there everyone.
-Brock