Man Up Monday: The Casey Anthony Trial

The Casey Anthony trial is the biggest news I didn’t have any desire or incentive to watch. I remember her daughter disappearing, I remember the stories of her partying soon thereafter, and I know they have been talking about this on TV way too much in the last few weeks. HLN isn’t going to know what to do next week when Casey Anthony goes free. They’ve been running live feeds of the courtroom like real courtrooms are actually interesting.

They had Casey Anthony on picture in picture like she might break wide open downfield for the touchdown. This wasn’t exactly Law & Order.

The jury decided that Casey Anthony was not guilty of First Degree Murder and the entire world lost its collective mind. Everyone had already decided that she shouldn’t get off. When Caylee disappeared, no one was too excited to see this:

Usually, a picture like this would actually excite people. But it didn’t really win Casey any fans once people found out her daughter was missing. Here is another example of why Facebook is evil. Casey Anthony had pictures of her whole life on the internet. It is not hard to find pics of Casey getting it in. I’m talking costumes, pics with drinks in hand, pics with dudes, pics with chicks, funny faces, everything. If there is something you don’t like, there is a good chance there is a picture of Casey Anthony doing it.

Don’t like Strippers? Casey throws on the heels and gets it in on a glass stage.

Don’t like desecrating the flag?

Well pull up a novelty bucket of beer and a Jersey Shore Super Sayian gone wrong who doesn’t quite understand what honoring America means, Casey has you covered.

Don’t like overrated football teams with money taking players, little to no administrative control, and no chance of being competitive for the next five years?

Casey is down with you. Side note, does anyone remember/have the video of the sexy Ohio State webcam chick? Is Casey Anthony that chick? For those of you who have seen it, this will be enough of a reminder. Itz? You on it?

Do you hate not famous guys pretending like they are famous?

Those T-shirts have to stand for “Douche Bag Crew” don’t they? This is so unbelievable she actually looks photoshopped in. I wonder if Casey ever got into any trouble in any of these parties. I know who can get to the bottom of this.

I hear he’s in Florida these days.

So the jury said she didn’t do it. Leave them alone. They didn’t see what they needed to see. They had a reasonable doubt. The prosecution asked them to give her the death penalty. Anyone want to guess how many hot chicks are on death row? I haven’t toured the country, but I’m guessing none. It is one of the benefits of being a sexy chick in America. You don’t buy your own drinks. You don’t lift your bag into the overhead on planes. You don’t end up on death row. That’s another reason this isn’t an OJ situation. As I explained last week, this is completely different.

We’re taking bets on what Casey Anthony’s next job is going to be. Is she going to write a book? Reality show? Go to jail for something else (that would be an OJ situation). I’ve got “unknowingly getting mocked in radio interviews” in the UvT office pool.

If you are still wasting mental space on the Casey Anthony case, Man Up and move on. This particular train wreck is over, for now.

-Brock

 

 

 

Facebook Week: The Lurking Ladies of Facebook

Facebook makes me realize I’m a bit of a self absorbed asshole.  You would think running a website where I declared myself as the worlds leading authority of the observation of the female ass, defined everything in the world as either Us or Them, creating my own little kingdom where everything great belonged to me and everything terrible belonged to someone else, and feeling like it is okay to talk shit about everything I see or anyone else does would have tipped me off, but no, it was Facebook.

You see, every time a chick friends me on Facebook, any woman who I didn’t actually have sex with, I think “damn, I didn’t know she was trying to get it.”  Sure, the cute chicks are one thing.  They probably had a boyfriend at the time, or I had a girlfriend so it just didn’t work out. It still makes me feel like they are trying to holler at your boy Brock.  Honestly, it isn’t even a Facebook phenomenon.  If I’m walking down the street or through the mall and you hit me with that direct look, you’re trying to get it.  I think highly of myself that way. It really doesn’t matter what she looks like, in fact ugly, big chicks who don’t do a double take offend me.  I’m out of your league, you better like what you see.  I’m the personification of “the list” right here.  Good looking, above average height, works out, funny, educated, got his own money and a great job, knows how to cook and clean up my own shit, no debt, I didn’t bang your girl outside of the Commonly Accepted Relationship Rules (the CARR), your mom loves me, and my cut to your bust ratio hovers right around a perfect 1:1.  I puts in work so you need to sense the glow coming up off of me like I’m damn Leroy at the end of The Last Dragon.

You know the crazy thing?  The turrble girls who I didn’t even know are the best.  You see, I walk through most of my life with blinders on.  If you aren’t bad, or have some physical attribute I notice chicks really don’t exist to me.  Big girls?  I never see em.  Shy women below a 6 on the UvT scale? Nonexistent.  A 6 with a bad ass body (aka a 7) yeah, on the radar.  So when a chick hits me up and I don’t quite know who she is, it means I never spoke a word to her and she wanted to get it.  Nice.

You know what else is messed up? If I see a white chick I went to High School or College with who is married to a black manI’m pretty sure she wanted it too.

I’m sure interracial love is true love too, and maybe they just found someone who could make them happy, but in my mind she was black curious and that automatically makes her Brock curious.

See, this is a problem I have to deal with.  Are the hundreds of women I’m Facebook friends with really all trying to holler?  It seems statistically improbable, but that does not stop me from thinking it is possible.  And if not, I need a percentage of women who are trying to get it.  Sometimes I’ll move my relationship status around just to see what the deal is.  It is like fishing, sometimes you just need to drop a line in the water to see what responds to the bait I’ve got in the water.

Dammit.  I just read all of that back and I’m one cocky bastard.

It is all true though.

-Brock

Facebook Week: The Show Off

You know who they should have never let get on Facebook?  The person who can’t help but use it as a tool for shameless self promotion.  I’m not talking about the person who actually uses it as a business networking tool and sends out pictures of their latest seminars and uses that event thingy to try to actually ask you to show up to things, or thinks I care about any of that.  Those people are annoying as hell.  I’m talking about the people who use it as their opportunity to create their own little mini celebrity.

They can go about it in a lot of ways.  First there is the person who uses Facebook to ask the world about everything under the sun.  Like they are Oprah running a damn virtual talk show.  At least on twitter they send it out to the world and I don’t have to see all the inane responses. On Facebook it is like, “really?”  18 other people just put their Starbucks orders on the net? Do they really want to know that about other people and do they really think I care that they like Venti nonfat mochas with whip?  Stop it.  As much as I blame the people who respond, I blame the people who ask the questions more.

There is another kind of self-promotion.  The pictures.  75% of people on Facebook have a few carefully chosen profile pictures that make them look good, show a little bit of the fam, maybe upload a few vacations or parties and they get out.  Sure, you’ll occasionally get tagged in the occasional yearbook scan or old ass picture from when you were a kid by your cousin, but otherwise that is it.  You untag the stuff that sucks and you go about your life.  When you see that person who has dozens of pictures of themselves in various outfits, on the beach, in a bathing suit or uploads professionally shot pictures of them on some rooftop terrace and rotates those pictures liberally they are fishing for that compliment.

They know they look good, they need it, they want to let everyone know they haven’t lost the same step as everyone else and put on that slow 15 pounds that creeps up on people.  If you are grown and posting pictures of you working out, you have too much time on your hands.  I mean by all means do it, but we aren’t impressed. We see it, you don’t need to post the times from your Nike+ shoes because you went running. Speaking of that, unless you are running the “public humiliation” diet where you post pictures of yourself and post your weight everyday until we publicly shame you into losing weight, going for a “run” of 1.2 miles in 40 minutes is not a run it is a walk an a slow one at that.  I mean God bless you for getting your big ass out of the house, but we’re not impressed.

Pictures of your kids?  That’s cool.

Brock loves da kids.

Facebook Week: The Crazy Ex

I’m going to go ahead and assume everyone out there has a crazy ex.  If you don’t you should.

That shit keeps you tight when you are out in them streets.  I mean you stay focused. Sure she might be good looking, but a crazy chick will make you stop rolling chicks back to your crib too early in a relationship.  That shit will make sure you talk about where you work by naming the cross streets and the town and not getting too specific.  It only takes one crazy chick showing up at your job before you start describing your job as consulting. I travel a lot.  The thing about a crazy ex is knowing where they are at all times. There is nothing worse than running into the crazy girl when you aren’t prepared for it.

That is a great way to ruin a Saturday afternoon at the mall.  That is how you end up getting into a screaming match in front of your job or staying up all night because your phone won’t stop ringing.  Of course, I’m talking about regular “we don’t understand each other and the decisions you make are a little disturbing” crazy, not “did that bitch just break my shit?” crazy.  In the latter case you really need to know where they are for your own safety.

Enter Facebook.  Now I’m not saying you need to be friends with your crazy ex, that is how your new girlfriend starts getting crazy ass wall comments and pictures of you and some ex chick start showing up tagged on your page. (by the way your privacy settings are tight so that doesn’t happen, right?) But you can at least search their crazy ass every once in a while to catch the city where they live, make sure they aren’t talking shit about you, make sure you know what they look like so you can keep your head on a swivel.  You might even find out that they weren’t that crazy. Relationships are like that, they run hot and sometimes people just aren’t supposed to be in the same space.  Guys are so into getting some ass, they aren’t paying attention to everything else that is going on.  We will say “I love you too” if the situation is right, and by right I mean anytime we think it might get us some ass.  Sorry, it is true.  And you know what, that makes chicks go crazy.

So keep tabs on em. Just don’t watch too hard, otherwise the crazy one might be you.

-Brock

Facebook Week: The Backup Chick

Facebook is like a modern day waiting list.  Before Facebook, dudes would have to either be “friends” with chicks they liked, or keep them on the back burner until you needed them.  You know hanging out when you are both in the same town, shooting each other an email every few months to say hello.  Sure, that was effective but it was also kind of weird.

You’ve got to convince your current girlfriend that you are just friends and if they are dating anyone they have to do the same.  You always ran the risk of getting that non-response email once they got in too deep with their current relationship, or you would have that occasional premature hook up where your friendship ends up where it was destined to go anyway and you just fack everything up.

But with Facebook it is easy.  It is like an online version of the Bachelor. The second your relationship is over, you post it to your Facebook status and the first chick to click the “like” button or comments is trying to get it.

You also have a running status of what she’s into, where she lives, who she hangs out with, and whether she has stacked on 20 lbs. since the last time you saw her.  If she runs swimsuit pictures on the beach with her friends, you’re good.  If she goes from full body pics to upper body pics standing sideways, to face shots to pictures of her eye, or her dog or a tree or some bullshit she’s probably in need of a run or learning to stay away from the Ben & Jerry’s.  Damn, all my female readers just said “that’s f’d up” to themselves but they know it’s true.  Once you are back on the market, you send a few status updates, ask he to help you plant your cucumber in her patch in Farmville or some shit and you see she’s heading to the 5 year reunion and you make it happen.

In fact, Facebook for some has turned into a wild ass free dating site.

Every once in a while, I’ll be looking through my “suggested friends” list to see the friends of friends Facebook thinks I have something in common with, and I wonder which one of my friends is networked with so many strippers.  I’m thinking I don’t remember going to college with a girls who only wore swimsuits named Champagne and Raven.  Either that, or I really wasn’t paying attention in class.  Random chicks who want to be your friends might be good for a random hook up the next time you are in Washington DC.

So keep your back up game tight.  Go ahead and hit them with a quick private message just to see what they’ve been up to. That way, next time you have a shitty break up, you know exactly where to turn first.

-Brock

Facebook Week at Us Versus Them

Facebook is good for a few things.  Keeping up with people you normally wouldn’t see or stay in touch with, having conversations with everyone you know at the same time, networking, and keeping tabs on your ex-girlfriends.  Sure there are lots of reasons to do it.  See if she is still looking good.  Checking out that wack ass cat she ended up with.  Making sure she hasn’t moved to the same city as you so you don’t randomly run into them and have that awkward ex conversation.  Oh, and to remind you why you left their ass in the first place.

Usually any ex that you aren’t still trying to get with usually falls into oblivion, never to be spoken to again.  But Facebook gives you a new opportunity, a chance to work out old stuff at arms length.  To tell your ex what you really thought about them and why you couldn’t work it out. Everyone knows they do it.  Even if you aren’t friends with them, a simple little search opens a little slice of their life up so you can see how things turned out.

You keep it top level at first.  Check the profile to see where they are working now, if they are suddenly into documentaries or still watching bad chick flicks.  Browse a few pictures to see if they still look the same. Find those few boys you thought you were tight with who friended that chick.  You’ve just got to be careful not to get in too deep.  By the time you bookmark their profile, read every status update and crawl through the pictures a few times a week, you might have a problem.  A check in once in a while is okay, starting to analyze every move could turn you in to a full blown cyber stalker.

But hey, as a bonus, if can watch all you want to on Facebook, as long as you don’t break the wall, you aren’t gonna be getting in trouble for it.  15 years ago going through an exes pictures, reading their messages to their friends and keeping up with all their personal movements meant you were a full on stalker and you were probably going to end up in jail or getting into a fight with the new boyfriend.  So you might want to simmer that down.

-Brock

Us Versus Them Service Announcement: Ladies Who End Up Alone

We’ve established over and over again that Facebook is evil for a variety of reasons and this is just the latest of them.Facebook lets you monitor and observe people you know from afar.Watching their lives play out in comments, pictures, status updates, personal profiles, relationship icons and friends.

facebooked_mom

When you start seeing one chick post up a lot of pictures hugging up on your homeboy, that might be his main lady or a lady digitally pissing on her tree to mark her territory. Did that chick you went to high school with have a baby? Yeah, the kid has their whole young life played out in profile pics and silly status updates. But there is a dark side to all of this, watching that babe creep up through her twenties and into her thirties and beyond alone, without finding a man.

sad-woman

I know, I know, ladies, you’re independent, you don’t need a man to validate you, you are the new strong woman, and I hear you roaring I know. Look, I hear you, but on the other hand your are still out here in these clubs hoping that the right guy buys you a drink, and you still go out to terrible dinners, and upload profiles on match.com, and go to minute dates and scope out every groomsman at every wedding you go to trying to find a man. Aren’t you? I will say this, Facebook does give you one advantage. If you are that chick who is stacking degrees, hot jobs, and maintaining that body you had in college, you are basically putting out a hot ass personal ad every time you upload vacation pictures of yourself in a swimsuit.

spring-break-bikini-contest-5

Look this isn’t hate, your boy Brock is here to help. I’m going to drop some reality on all of you and maybe it will bring happiness to all. First of all, let’s roll back to the UvT scale of 1-10 for men and for women. Find yourself on the ladies scale and don’t cheat. Don’t judge yourself by looking in the mirror, judge yourself based on that picture that your girl put of you on facebook that you hate. Maybe not the worst one you have, but that picture you think to yourself, do I really smile like that? Yeah, you do all the time. Give yourself the appropriate bonus points for ability to hold a conversation, sex appeal, and any body parts that are in the top 20 percentile of performance. Got it? (If you are at 9, go back seriously, I’m only trying to help) Now go over to the scale for dudes and take a look at the corresponding number. Now, that is your center, you can basically swing 2 points in either direction. So if you are a 6, you can realistically be with a 4 or an 8 without causing yourself a lifetime of pain. That also means that those 9-10’s are out of scale. Stop waiting for that dude to show up. Lucky for you this is all judged on the sliding scale of reality, so society’s 5 is your perfect 10? He ain’t Brad Pitt, but he’s perfect for you.

thumbs-up-matt

Here is where you get caught up. I’m not trying to add any additional pressure, but the age scale matters too. You know when you are 22 and just getting out of school and you meet that creepy old guy who is 28? Yeah, that guy. Hate to tell you, but that was your shot. Yeah, he had a job, loot, and had already run through most of his wildness. He’s not looking to get married guy, but he is they guy who doesn’t know that he’s ready for a serious relationship that you could get to know and lock down.But no, you wanted to have fun, you wanted to chase the hottest, most fun guy in the spot who you hooked up with that night and never called back. Yeah, remember him? That asshole. You aren’t marrying him because he is never getting married. Actually, correction, he is getting married, but to that 22 year old version of you when he’s 38. He’s still gonna seem like a fun guy when he’s 38 and you are 36, but he’s not checking for you anymore. Sorry.

This is where the babe who thinks she is way better looking and has more to offer than she actually does absolutely destroys her future. Hey, glad you have high self esteem, but you aren’t an actual 9. Stop trying to date athletes and putting every dude you meet through the ringer because he holds his fork wrong or drives the wrong car. You’re catching L’s and don’t even know it.I know a chick I went to school with that thought she was the baddest babe out. Don’t get me wrong, she was light in the eye and thick in the thigh. No one was gonna turn her down, but she really gave dudes that work. She wanted all the attention and wasn’t willing to put in that work in return. She really thought she was that original diva. AHNT. 30 ell-bees later keeping it thick has gone wrong and now you just end up dating a babe that looks like your auntie with a bunch of attitude.

marchseventeen

It ain’t what you want.

I know what you’re thinking,  Is Brock telling me to lower my standards? I don’t have to compromise for any man! No. I’m not saying that. Well, yes an no. You don’t have to lower your standards, You just have to be realistic as early as possible, because the standards are gonna change anyway, but in the really, really wrong way. You are going to think you found Mr. right and end up with a Gay Face cat then end up on Oprah talking about how you didn’t know.

starandal

You didn’t know? Everyone else did. Everything you ever wanted right, good job, stable, not crazy, good looking, gets along great with moms. But when you invite people over he wants to turn on the Food channel and Bravo instead of ESPN. Didn’t he seem a little too interested in the wedding planning? I’m not naming names, but I know a few chicks on that Star Jones program, they are on the watchlist. I don’t want to see any of US go out like that. So this is a public service announcement to wake the hell up.

Time is gonna keep ticking, I’m just trying to let you know the deal now.

-Brock

Facebook is Evil: Your Future President

We’ve covered the variety of ways that Facebook is evil, but this one should bring it all together.  Remember back in the day before digital pictures?  Back when if you actually got a hold of a picture and ripped it up, it was gone? I mean completely gone.  No one ever went back to actually process a new picture off of a negative. Also, there weren’t too many people willing to take truly wild pictures that they had to turn over to the teenage cat that runs the photo developer machine at the local drug store. With digital pictures, it is easy to get pictures of you sent anywhere, and it is never gone.  Match that up with the Internet and a social network that broadcasts your business to anyone who cares to listen…what do you get?  You get this:

panty-dancing

You damn right the picture was tagged by others.  Julie here wasn’t going to upload her own picture of herself dancing in her draws.  But guess what? It is never going away.  If you look up “high school party”, there is Julie in some red underwear.  It even has her real name up there.  She isn’t in “neck tattoo” won’t get a job territory, but she’s not running for public office either. This particular phenomenon isn’t just limited to Facebook, there are a few hundred thousand girls on Youtube shaking their asses half buck naked that aren’t going to appreciate it when they are 30 too.

Interesting? Sure. Senator?  No.

What about the fellas?

drunkparty

Nothing like a pair of aviators and some Miller light to make you think that chick with the blue eye shadow is not a dude.  Because…THAT is a DUDE.  My man’s chin game is pretty terrible too.  Let me tell you, if I knew this dude, I’d have this picture on permanent reserve.  Everytime he even thinks about talking shit, this joint gets emailed as my only response.  He can’t win.  Ever.

You ever had a little too much to drink?  Ever passed out?  (True story…Lake thought he got his car stolen a few weeks ago when he had a few too many.  He just forgot that he had someone else drive him back (no drunk driving) and had no idea where it was.  Called the police and everything. Didn’t remember what the hell happened until he called me)  Now if I was an asshole…Correction…More of an asshole. And I had a sharpie and a camera handy, Lake might have ended up on UvT looking like this.

shaming

I probably wouldn’t have gone for the “blackface”, but he sure would have had “Nilla please” written on him somewhere.  Sure you can still get a legit job if you’ve been passed out and embarrassed, but it makes it a little harder.

passedout

I’m a big fan of the “stack things around the drunk person” game.  The cigarette is always welcome and hilarious.  The blue afro pik here is a nice touch, and they even went as far as to hide two M&M’s in her shirt.  Ha!  Can you imagine this picture coming out right after the South Carolina primary?  Game over.  Sure, Bill Clinton didn’t inhale, but if there was a picture of him smoking them tweeds on the internet, he would have been struggling.  Sure we heard that Dubya was messing with that Bolivian Marching Powder, that Booger Sugar, back in his Skull & Crossbones days.  But if we had a picture of him with a powdered nose, looking like Scarface? Not even the Supreme Court would have been able to save him.

You think government nominees get popped for B.S. right now…wait until 20 years from now.  We’re going to see some real wildness.  We haven’t even gotten to the hidden sex tape game now that the most popular video camera is the size of a pack of cards.  That has to be the most dangerous thing on a college campus right now.

So watch your back on Facebook and tighten up those privacy settings…Facebook is evil.

-Brock