American Idol: Please Make This Happen

I don’t ask for much. Hell, I don’t even watch American Idol, but if there is a God somewhere he will make this happen. Apparently Diddy is up for one of the hosting spots on American Idol next season.

I’d actually watch the show. I’m clearly having Making the Band withdrawal. I’d really only be watching to see if he told one of the 17 year old contestants how dark and lonely it gets out there.

I also want to see Mariah make some young girl stop singing one of her songs after about 3 notes. Please don’t try to sing Mariah in front of Mariah. It’s gonna be a train wreck.

-Brock

Introducing Snoop Lion The Reggae King…I Just Hope Snoop’s Lyin’

Snoop Dogg, rap legend. One of the greatest rappers of all time. He’s been consistant since Deep Cover. I gave him a pass when he pressed his hair out. I’m willing to pretend his whole “No Limit” era didn’t exist. But Snoop has finally pushed me too far.

Snoop Dogg has officially changed his name to Snoop Lion. He’ s officially given up rap for reggae music.

That’s right, so crazy only a UvT throwback pic properly captures my feelings of disgust for this announcement. You want to know when you’ve smoked too much weed? When you actually smoke so much you become a reggae artist. It’s only happened this once, so maybe Snoop has smoked more weed than anyone else in the world.Doesn’t Snoop know that no one actually buys reggae music. Doesn’t he know the only people who like reggae music are people who smoke weed and college students who want to seem intellectual in different because they listen music with semi-political lyrics…while they smoke weed?

Even more offensive, his first single.

 Of course it’s called “La la la”. Snoop has made his entire life a tribute to weed. I know reggae has a very particular sounds, but am I the only one who finds it offensive that you have to sing reggae with a Jamaican accent?
Snoop has retired from rap…even though he just dropped his last rap video just three weeks ago? I guess there wasn’t a very long deliberation about ending his 20 year rap career. Let me just make this clear, he dropped a song THREE WEEKS ago about smoking weed and inhaling through his nose.

Oh shit. Snoop is on some old DaVinci Code stuff. He left us everything we needed to see this change coming. Why didn’t we all see it? He was wearing the same shitty knit cap everyone who has ever vacationed in Jamaica bought at the airport in the video. I guess we’re lucky he’s not rocking the version with the yarn dreadlocks. I guess that would have been too obvious.

Snoop, please let this little trend last…ohhhhh…let’s say one song. I think that would be enough.

Thanks,

-Brock

 

Tom and Katie: The Scientology of Breaking Up

I didn’t believe it when I heard it. I thought this one was actually going to last. Tom Cruise named a plane after her. They had their own nickname. TomKat was sounds so much better than Brangelina ever could. Katie used to dream about Tom, Tom always liked Katie. They were even able to have kids. That was supposed to be impossible!  It seemed like a match made in heaven.

But five years later it all fell apart. They had it all, what could possibly have happened?

Oh right. Tom Cruise was on that “we’re going to hook our five year old up to some electrodes and find out if she has alien blood” stuff. I’m sure that didn’t go over well. So Kate decided to get the hell out. She did it real smooth-like too. Set his ass up. Tom didn’t even see it coming.

Tom just out there smiling. Meanwhile, Katie is like, lawyer up bitch. It’s about to go down. This arm around your shoulder ain’t nothing, it’s all a set up. That head tilt says, “oh I got this dude right where I want him”. When she filed for divorce, Tom felt like this.

Tom is still stunned. So stunned he just went on ahead and settled the divorce.

They are certainly not going to release any of the detials, so instead of simply not talking about it, let’s just throw some wild speculation out there until we hit something that feels right.

Tom Cheated.

Tom is an asshole.

Tom is not human.

Tom wanted to upload Suri to the mothership.

Katie’s seen some things. Some terrible things.

Tom heard about Anderson Cooper and Frank Ocean coming out last week and wants some of that publicity.

Tom was so confident Rock of Ages was going to be awesome he agreed to release Katie from her marriage contract if it sucked.

Katie finally figured out Tom’s real name is Rumpelstiltskin and is now able to set herself and her firstborn free.

I like that last one. Whatever happened, it sounds like Katie had it all locked up before Tom even caught wind of it. There aren’t many divorces getting settled in less than two weeks. She either had extremely reasonable requests, or pictures of Tom doing the aforementioned terrible things. Kim Kardashian dumps Kanye and ends up with Tom Cruise in 5…4…3…2…

-Brock

Nicki Minaj is Ready to Launch: Massive Attack

According to my stats the top two searches are for “Nicki Minaj” and “Erykah Badu Ass”.  1. Now you know the kind of company you all keep.  2. I guess it is good to know why people like you.  Since I already covered Erykah’s tail piece a few days ago, I guess Nicki can get some more love.  Check out her new video Massive Attack.

I guess Nicki wanted to put the “booty pad” rumors to rest.  I don’t know if they can retouch video but Nicki is killing it in the jungle starting at the 2:30 mark.  I know my boy G the Intern is loving it.  He started calling for Nicki Minaj back in the day.  In fact, to make up for that fail tail from yesterday, I’ll drop some stills from the video with Amber Rose as an added bonus.

Amber Rose is really committed to that haircut.  I would have thought she would change it up by now.  There is a lot of thick going on right there.  Now for the proof that Nicki’s tail is all beef no filler.

No trickery there, I don’t even know where a pad might be lurking.  There is still more too.

I know this post if about Nicki Minaj, but I need some pure Amber Rose right now too.

I could find the angle I wanted, but that will have to do.

See you on Monday, I feel like between the Final Four and this terrible Hopkins v. Roy Jones fight, there is going to be plenty of man up material on the way.

-Brock

Lil Mama Goes Crazier Than Kanye at the VMAs

Kanye West wasn’t the only cat wiling out on the VMA’s last night.  Jay-Z was closing the show out with Alicia Keys and “Empire State of Mind” when Lil Mama decided to jump up on the stage and get some of that finale shine.  When I saw it, I thought I missed something, like she had a little part at the beginning.  Nah, she just ran up on stage and grabbed herself some airtime on two REAL multiplatinum artists.

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And Jay-Z did not get it at all.  Jigga looks like he just smelled something nasty.  How did Lil Mama have seats that were anywhere near the stage?  She should have been sitting on that upper level, or down in that mosh pit with all the pre-screened extras.  But just like Kanye, this isn’t the first time that Lil Mama rolled up on Jay-Z.  She’s been jocking his fresh for years now.  Remember Reasonable Doubt?

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Yup.  Creepin up on him.  What about In my Lifetime?

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Lil Mama was there.  It isn’t just Jay-Z either.  Lil Mama was there for the I have a Dream speech stealing MLK Jr’s shine.

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Even Jesus can’t escape.  You thought there were 12 disciples?

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It was 13.  Lil Mama was there too. Lil Mama was even there at Michael Jackson’s last performance.

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Jay-Z still ain’t feeling it though.

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That face is killing me.

-Brock

Damn Homey: Michael Jackson Dies at 50

Damn, that is messed up.  We’re Rocking Off the Wall all day at UvT HQ tomorrow.

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That’s right, we’re going old school.

Michael Jackson Albums are already dominating iTunes right now.  Thriller might go ahead and break back into the Billboard top 20 this week.

-Brock

Ferris Bueller = Fight Club?

This is probably one of those things that only makes since if you don’t actually go back and watch the movie, but there is a theory that Ferris Bueller is the original Fight Club.  Nah, there wasn’t a bunch of fighting that you missed or don’t remember, here’s the thing.  You know how Ferris was super cool, couldn’t do anything wrong and everyone loved him?  You know how Cameron was a complete spineless loser.  Remember how Cameron talked to himself and Ferris always talked to the camera?

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That is because Ferris doesn’t actually exist.  Ferris is Tyler freaking Durden and only exists in Cameron’s mind.

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Don’t believe me?  Watch this.

Ferris is narrating from nowhere and Cameron is talking to himself.  It damn near looks like the scene where Jack from Fight Club beats himself up.  Okay, maybe this only makes sense if your are high when you watch Ferris Bueller back, but there is an underground community dedicated to this stuff.

I say it’s real.  No one is that big of a loser…or a winner.

-Brock

Thundercats The Movie Trailer

This is fan made.  It clearly took a lot of time, and actually got me hype for a Thundercats movie.

Hey, I’m down with the casting too.  Unfortunately, instead of Brad Pitt and Hugh Jackman they’ll get a few unknowns…actually, they might really get Vin Diesel though.

Props to Wormy T for that work.

-Brock