Man Up Monday – Quick Edition: Lebron James Goes Too Far!

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I’m working on another Man Up Monday article, but I couldn’t let this one go. It came in on a tip from the homey Turd Ferguson on the Facebook page. (That’s right, we’re everywhere) Why don’t you hit the page and hit me with a like? (http://www.facebook.com/UsvThem) It will make your whole life better. While you’re at it, hit up Turd Ferguson on his site by going to the link on the right, or clicking here.

Anyway, Yesterday on the way to the game LeBron James decided this was a good idea.

Here’s my thing. Women carry purses because they have a bunch of little stuff they need to have around. Mirrors, lipstick, makeup, crumpled up tissues, a piece of gum, about a billion of those club cards, keys to some shit they haven’t tried to open in 4 years, a safety pin, and a stain stick. That’s why they can’t find their phone when it rings even though it lights up and is in a space the equivalent to the size of a gallon ziplock bag.

Anyway, there is nothing a man carries that is the size to fit into a purse. We need a wallet (No George Costanza), a phone and the key to your car and the key to your house. If you need more than that, you’re going away for the weekend and you need the bag Dwyane is carrying. LeBron is rocking a purse that matches his belt. Which implies he has a selection of bags at the crib. In fact, that purse is so ridiculous that I’m not even talking about the fact that Dwyane is wearing white skinny pants and some high fashion Under Armour. I’m not even talking about that.

LeBron, Man Up and get yourself a man bag. Not a man bag like the murse you are rocking, a literal bag a man would carry. What you have now is not that. Step your game up.

-Brock

———————-UPDATE——————–

Apparently that picture above is a fake. I was able to get a few of the interns to actually do some work today and they found the original. My bad.

Man Up Monday: Dan Gilbert

Dan Gilbert should now be known as the “Mad Owner”, because he really felt the need to “Tell em why you mad son” when LeBron left Cleveland.  I mean sure, his franchise probably just lost 25 percent of its value last Friday.  Sure, the 2010 free agent season is basically over and all the marquee players are gone.  His best players are now Mo Williams and Antawn Jamison.  Not good enough to have the best record in the league…he just became the Washington Wizards.  Anderson Varejao’s “high energy” isn’t gonna mean a damn thing when your squad is down by 15.  So tell em why you mad son.

Instead of focusing on how to make his team better, Dan Gilbert made a mixtape with “Hit em up” by Tupac, Nas “Ether“, Jay-Z “Takeover” and “Super Ugly“, I think he broke out LL Cool J vs. Canibus and the Second Round KO. (By the way LL’s “99% of your fans don’t exist” is a hot punchline in response to “99% of your fans wear high heels”…and true) Then Dan Gilbert ripped this “open letter” to LeBron.

I wanted to cut some of this out, but it is all too good:

Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;

As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.

This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his “decision” unlike anything ever “witnessed” in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.

The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you.

You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.

You have given so much and deserve so much more.

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:

“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE”

You can take it to the bank.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our “motivation” to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works.

This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown “chosen one” sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And “who” we would want them to grow-up to become.

But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called “curse” on Cleveland, Ohio.

The self-declared former “King” will be taking the “curse” with him down south. And until he does “right” by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.

Just watch.

Sleep well, Cleveland.

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day….

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:

DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue….

Chino XL, Fuck you too…

Dan Gilbert
Majority Owner
Cleveland Cavaliers

Haaaaaaaaa.  Okay I added that last line, but that’s how hard this dude was going in on the former King.

Putting a curse on him?  Guaranteeing a championship in Cleveland?  Uhhhh, you didn’t win when you had the most physically gifted player in the history of basketball…how exactly are you gonna win now?  In the current NBA, the Cavs are now officially 2-3 major pieces away. Those pieces are Kobe, 1996 Jordan and Bill Russell in his prime.  Is he serious?

Now, I will say the Cavs really tried their best to win the Championship.  They were always moving free agents, they brought Shaq in.  They brought Jamison in right before the deadline, the dude was working hard, but to call it “cowardly betrayal”.  That seems a little extra.

I mean the kid is 25 and just got $110 million to move to Miami.  You want to know who should be upset?  Who needs to be in the gym right now working on her foot work and her defensive stance? You know who needs to issue an open letter to the city of Miami?

LeBron James’ main lady.  If she keeps LeBron in pocket for the entire length of his contract, she should win Defensive Player of the year for every year he is in Miami.  It is all good when you are living in the woods of Akron to keep the worlds best player, second best player, defending league two time MVP away from these hoes, but that young lady is about to go from high school straight into the league herself.

Competition in Akron:

Competition in Miami:

Stay strong.

So Dan Gilbert, Man Up…at least you have a free 39 million a year to get some other players, right?  That’s gotta be worth something, doesn’t it? Yeah, not really.  Oh well.

-Brock

Triple B Goes In On The LeBron James Debate

@Be You and me are eye to eye on this one but I’m gonna go a little bit harder

I had this “Lebron is gonna be playing in D-Wade’s shadow” argument for 4 hours last night and i realized that the only ones spouting this gahbage were Knicks fans. I’ll explain why Lebron’s decision cuts sooooo deeply for Knicks later but first let’s talk about that Cleveland move.

Let’s be honest, the Cavs are losers with a losing tradition. That may sound redundant at first but think about it. Cleveland knows one thing, and that’s loss. They know how to lose to the 49er’s they know how to lose a pennant race. They know Shawn Kemp. They actually love losing. Why? cause it’s familiar. Every Cavs fan has said the same thing for the past 4 years. “Hey they made a good run. Next year is our year”. Cleveland welcomes loss like an old friend coming around at Christmas time. The Cavs have had 7 years to build a team around Lebron but they’ve failed. As they fail in all other facets of the game; style, management, coaching and personnel. I mean the best answer they could come with for “what do we do when Lebron is double-teamed?” is Delante (I’m doin ya mom’s) West. LBJ has been carrying 4 players on his back plus Mike Brown for too long. And for all that work the Cavs still have the same championship record as the Wizards. Resign with that mess…….please?! As Admiral Ackbar says:

Moving along…… The Knickerbockers! Knicks fan took this to heart and they should. They’re not really mad at Lebron thoough. I know they gutted the team to make room for him. They wooed him with tales of “This will be your city” and “This will be your team” and “we got Amare Stoudamire aka New Allen Houston”. Hell they even made a promo with the damn mayor in it! But still Lebron denied them! The Knicks fans know what that really means is…… top talent is actively avoiding their squad. That’s what’s really killin em! C’mon Knicks fans! NY is the blackhole of the NBA. They suck players in and take their best years leaving them with nothing to show it but injuries, age, and a cheap trade to a high profile team late in their career. Plus there’s nothing but foolishness going on on the management level. Reference one Isiah Thomas. The Knickerbockers are quickly approaching Wizards status. I know it, Lebron knows it, Knicks fans know it and Admiral Ackbar knows it. Tell em Acky:

So he went to the Heat. How is this a bad move? Do you really think that he will be playing in Dwayne Wade’s Shadow?! Lebron is too big a talent and a star to be overshadowed by anyone! You think I’m crazy? THEY USE BIBLICAL REFERENCES TO TALK ABOUT THIS MAN! I’m gonna let you think about that for a bit………………………….. Ok? good. In fact as far as the NBA is concerned Lebon IS the Second Coming (no offense to Mr. J) and with this move to Miami he just picked up some Apostles. And you know that D-Wade at the top of the key with King James slashing is gonna produce some of the nastiest highlight reels since Dominique!! Whoever says they’re not gonna watch the first Heat game…… I’m callin em a damn liar!

Lebron you did the right thing. Now go out there and bring the championship back to the East. And don’t listen to these HATERS (in the purest sense of the slang) telling you that it will always be D-Wade’s house cuz, well one more time for the cheap seats Double A!

-Triple B