Charlie Sheen is Having the Best Week Ever!

Charlie Sheen has been on a slow boil for a long time.  Sure we heard about the Denise Richards situation, but you could always just chalk it up to celebrity wildness.  Then there has been news about him partying hard, but that didn’t seem so crazy to me either. But now, Charlie Sheen is going full Charlie Sheen.  He has hit the “I don’t give a damn” what people think wall at full steam. Charlie Sheen is no longer living for what anyone else wants, he is ready to let us know who he really is.

He is a full blown Superhero Rock Star from Mars. This dude is ready to tell us the truth.  We’ve been wondering if there is life on other planets, we have been waiting for the little green men to come to earth and try to take over the world.  We were wrong, we were all wrong.  Apparently the martians just wanted to come to Earth to make movies and do successful sitcoms.

Here is the key, I don’t actually think the dude is crazy. He is just better than everyone else and he doesn’t know how to explain it.  So he uses metaphor. He says he had the blood of a lion and the DNA of Adonis.  In case you haven’t done your homework, Adonis has a extreme physical attractiveness and was a lover of Venus who is constantly surrounded by a circle of young girls.  Charlie is no longer ready to accept the rules of mere mortals.  You want to shut down two and a half men because Charlie is unreliable? Charlie is gonna charge you $3 Million instead of $2 Million per episode to get him back.  You want to call him a drug addict? Nah, he’s not addicted, he just wants to live life to the fullest. If you want to try to understand him with your mortal brain, he’s going to let you know that you can’t do that. Society tells you to have one girlfriend? Charlie has two. Porn Stars, the dude goes all out. You want to say he’s on drugs? Nah Charlie is passing drug tests like it ain’t shit. Why, because Charlie Sheen is Winning.

Charlie Sheen has a high powered brain, we couldn’t handle it. You want to know what you would look like on Charlie Sheen’s brain?

You would be all jacked up homey, there is too much radical packed in there for mere mortals from this terrestrial realm to handle.  The interviewer calls him bipolar…he calls himself bi-winning, because he wins here and he wins there.  Dammit, I usually don’t drop a full on five minute video in here, but this is just too good.

Everyone is worried about Sheen’s erratic behavior, I’m actually more worried about the fact that he still uses the phrase “radical” to describe anything. You know what you get when you drop the word “radical” into Google?  You get this.

You get dayglo colors, some cursive script, the word “party” in mismatch lettering and Bill Freaking Cosby. Bill is looking completely comfortable that he can handle his totally radical responsibilities too.  You put Bill Cosby, Charlie Sheen, some weed flavored Jell-O pudding pops, and a carton of cigarettes in a room and there can be a real party.  I don’t even know what “banging seven gram rocks” means, but I’m sure it means Charlie is ready to get it done when he is finished.  Now correct me if I’m wrong…drug are still illegal, right? I know Charlie is radical, but he’s a little too free talking about the availability of drugs at his home.

Even after all of that, I’m with Charlie. This is better than the Tom Cruise interview with Oprah because Tom just did it once.  Charlie is trying to talk to every person with a microphone. I mean he is running interviews like “Charlie Sheen: The Movie” is dropping in theaters this Friday and ready to make a run for the Oscar.  Remember when Joaquin Phoenix made a fake movie about himself going crazy?  This ain’t fake, Charlie is going in like a method actor and putting his own shit on the line.  Somebody call Emilio, tu hermano es muy loco!

I don’t know why this is all going down, but Charlie Sheen is making an early run at UvT Man of the Year. I think that is radical.

-Brock

An Athlete Fails a Drug Test: The NASCAR Way

Let’s talk about the “sport” of NASCAR.  I’ve never gone 200 miles an hour, but I’ve floored it a few times and I have to imagine that you have to stay pretty focused to go 80 MPH faster than I was going with 40 other cars 6 inches from your bumper on a track that is tilted at 40 degrees.

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So we finally know that they are real athletes, because someone finally failed a drug test.  Yeah, it must be a real athletic competition because someone got popped for the roids, right?

manny-ramirez-drugs-suspended

Yeah, actually that would be better than what actually happened.  Jeremy Mayfield just got popped for Meth.  AGAIN.  That is right, meth.  That straight cook it in the bathtub of your trailer, made from rat poison and bleach, dirty ass street drug, turn you from this to that Meth.

meth

If you haven’t figured it out yet, this dude was basically committing DUI whenever he went to his JOB.  Here is the worst part.  Not only did he get popped and suspended a few months ago.  He sued to get put back on the track (which a judge granted him).  This dude just failed ANOTHER TEST.  For meth AGAIN!  You would think the dude would upgrade the game once he got caught the first time.  I don’t know what NASCAR drivers get paid, but the cars cost a few million so you figure the guy could get some weed or a few ounces of the booger sugar.

Jeremy Mayfield NASCAR

Damn.  Dude really looks like he’s on that stuff too.  Are his eyes dilated?  If this dude is in NASCAR going 200 mph, how many of these assholes drive past me on the street every day?  I don’t live in West Virginia or anything, but there still have to be a few meth heads on the streets on the average day.

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That ain’t right.  You are wild for being drunk at a desk job.  This dude was f’d up at a job where he was driving someone else’s multi-million dollar car.  That basically makes Jeremy Mayfield an asshole.  He’s definitely NOT one of Us, he’s one of Them.

-Brock