Man Up Monday: Money, Friends and The Married Life

I wanted to hit the U.S. Congress for Man Up Monday two weeks in a row, but they didn’t really mess up anything new. We are still just living through the aftermath of the mess they made. Now in any other context, a score of AA+ would be great. But the US Economy, for the worlds greatest country, going from AAA to AA+really sucks.

I’m gonna go ahead and assume that the stock market is getting hammered as you read this. We aren’t getting downgraded because we defaulted, not because we can’t find the money. We are literally getting downgraded because Congress decided to act like assholes. I’m not talking about either side either. I’m talking about both Republicans and Democrats on this one.

You know when you get in trouble. Maybe for  a ticket or honestly anything else. When you see the judge it is a good idea to clean it up a little. Get a nice shave, throw on a suit, shine the shoes. Look like you have a little bit of sense when you walk up in there. Because a judge can and will put you away because you don’t look the part. Basically, Congress decided to show up rocking jeans, Timbs and a snapback hat. Just stupid. All because they wanted to play a game and try to position for the election next year. Boehner spent 3 days trying to pull people together to take and win a symbolic vote. That is crazy by any standard. What kind of strategy is that?

Congress. Man Up! This is a sign. You can’t do anything you want to do anymore. Pull it together.

Next I’ve got to go to Stevie Williams.

Steve Williams has been Tiger Woods’ caddie for the last 12 years. Tiger fired him last week. But not before Steve banked about 10% of all of Tigers earnings over the last 12 years. I have to assume Steve stacked up about a bijillion dollars during that time. Well, once fired, Steve just couldn’t get along without another man’s bag of balls resting on his shoulders, so he began working with Adam Scott.

Adam Scott won a golf tournament this weekend and Steve Williams is talking like it is all because of him. Talking about how much fun he had. That this is the best tournament he’s had in years. I know Steve, I know. It isn’t the player it is the caddie. You know the old saying “It’s a bad mechanic that blames the tools”. Well, in this case you have to be a pretty big tool to act like you don’t need the mechanic. How did a caddie get a mic in front of him anyway? Who was pulling together his storyline? You are a caddie dude. You wear coveralls to work. Your primary function is to carry someone else’s shit. It’s not hot. By the way, if you are Tom Hanks’ assistant when he wins an Oscar and you get fired, and you end up as Colin Firth’s assistant when he brings one home, it’s pretty much a happy coincidence. You are the Robert Horry of assistants. No one is giving you credit for the win. So Steve, Man Up, clean some clubs off and get out there to walk the course for the Players Championship so you can help your player next week. Plus, to be honest, you and Tiger never really seemed like you were on the same page.

Steve Williams, Man Up!

Finally, just a quick should out to Ludacris. I remember the good old days when Luda had a bis ass ‘fro and hoes in various area codes. Now he’s all grown up. He got a haircut, he got married, and it is starting to mess up his rep. Check this:

Come on Luda. You there with Rudy from the Cosby show and you are leaving in like you are taking a pic with your Auntie Clarisse. Coming with the loose left hand resting on the outside of the shoulder, only the slightest contact at the chest and Luda just kept the right hand out of the discussion all together. No waist grab here, no hidden hands. Media Take Out ain’t gonna catch Luda slippin on this one. Luda is taking this picture like Keisha Knight Pulliam is still 12 and not legal yet.

By the way, now that Rudy is a grown ass woman, and went to Spelman, you know there are some regular dudes who have hit that. Is it even possible to sleep with her and not have the overwhelming urge to call at least one of your boys and be like “Yo, you aren’t gonna believe this. I just hit Rudy Huxtable.” I mean the chick is an American Icon. Meanwhile Luda can’t even get a solid hug in.

Luda. Man Up!


Man Up Monday: The U.S. Congress

What the hell is going on? Is there any other person, and other organization, any other group of people that deserves a Man Up Monday treatment more than the United States Congress? I’m talking about the House, the Senate. Every member of the Congress is failing us right now. 100 Senators and 435 members of the House of Representatives. That’s 535 people doing nothing.

This is like the worst study group ever. Most study groups have one kid who can clamp things down and get it done when things come down to the wire. They get pissed, the rest of the group skates along, riding the coattails of the one kid who cares, but it all works out. Apparently our elected representatives don’t have any of those kind of people in there. I get it, Democrats and Republicans have different goals, different ideals, different principles. But now we’ve gotten to the point where these guys are playing for full blown teams. The ones who get elected to office have full blown super fan status. I’m not talking about checking up on the local team because it is the right thing to do. I’m talking about the Raging Red Elephants against the Blue Burros and they play like it is single elimination for the championship. I’m talking about Raider-esque body paint, full on fanatics for their squads.

Sorry, Wrong picture. That David Weiner was a crazy dude though. Always ready to cheer on the squad.

Bottom line. It finally feels like the government wants to WIN. And right now they don’t care what it takes to make it happen. The process has always been a bit ridiculous, but now it is ridiculous AND ineffective. Boehner spent an entire week writing and calling a bill to a vote that he didn’t even have the votes for in a house that he controls. All to prove a point because everyone knew that version was going to get voted down in the Senate immediately. If that wasn’t bad enough, he also wasted an extra two days trying to get his votes together. That’s right, he wasted 48 of the last 96 hours doing something he knew was worthless.  Isn’t that textbook procrastination? Isn’t that like having a huge project due and instead of working on it, you decide to clean you closet all day. Hey, at least you accomplished something, right? Everyone does it, I just didn’t think 500 elected officials would think it was a good idea. Why wasn’t anyone on the news saying “why are we wasting our time” doing this bullshit? Where was that congressman? There isn’t one Team Us member of Congress in the bunch?

So, thanks for that John. The worst part about Boehner (other than his extremely unfortunate name) is that the dude will cry at the drop of a hat. You just know the guy got upset when he had to call off that vote Friday night.

He felt like all his friends abandoned him. He didn’t understand why people wouldn’t want to vote to preserve the American Dream for our children and our children’s children by showing the world that we can’t pay our bills.

Don’t get me wrong. We need a plan. We need budgets. It is never a good idea to spend money you don’t have. But let me break this down for you. Let’s pretend you were in the same situation as America. Here’s how it works. You’ve set a budget for yourself. Let’s say you have $2,o00 to take care of everything for the month. The first of the month bills are coming and you are running a little tight. If you don’t pay your bills, you are going to get kicked out of your own spot, your entire family is going to have their credit rating drop, all your friends will think you are an asshole, and your grandma isn’t going to have enough money to go to the doctor. But you don’t need to do that, because you can authorize yourself to grab another $1,000. Sure, you have to pay it back, but you have the means to do it. Sure, you shouldn’t have pushed it too far, but you’ve already done it, so you have to deal with it. You let yourself get the extra money. Or do you spend a few months debating with yourself? We don’t need anyone else to make this go away. We can make it go away ourselves.

Yet our congress is so jacked up, they are so interested in making sure the home team wins, that they are willing screw themselves to get it done. You know Obama is long about tired of the B.S. and ready to just fight everyone for trying to make him look bad.

That’s his “man if you don’t get this done I might have to get to slappin” face.

I actually wish he would do it. He could make sure everyone got the personal Man Up treatment. I know they got some kind of deal done, but damn this was painful. My UvT 401K plan took a hit last week. Time for a recovery. I hope this whole thing is over.

Congress…Man Up!