Teen Survives Cougar Attack: So What?

I survive cougar attacks all the time.  You can’t go out without seeing them lurking in a pack.  Swaying in the corner and always on the lookout for fresh meat like your boy Brock.

I mean the modern Coug is extra aggressive.  Never look them directly in the eye.  Don’t be tricked by the fact that they want to buy YOU drinks (Watch yo back Triple B).  And never turn your back.  They grab ass and love to tell the story to their friends the next day.

“I saw this guy in the club with such hot buns!  I just grabbed it!”  Plus you know the Cougars love the dark meat.

So I don’t know what the big deal is.  I want to be on the Today show tomorrow for my heroic efforts out in these streets this weekend.  I mean I was tanked up on that Goose and Juice, Soda, Tonic, Ice, tapping into my instincts to stay alive out there.  I’m a damn hero on these streets.

Huh?  What’s that?  It was a real cougar?  She needed 24 staples to the dome?  Oh, that really is different.

That’s fucked up.