Manti Te’o: Now You Know You Done F*cked Up, Right?

Manti Te’o’s life was SO much better two months ago. He was a Heisman candidate and one of the most dominant defensive players in the country. Notre Dame was the number one team in the country. Te’o was a lock to be one of the top players taken in the draft.

I’ve read this story about three times already and I still don’t know what the hell is going on here. Back in September his Grandmother and girlfriend both died on the same day and Manti had a beast game that next weekend at Michigan State. Everyone just found out that the girlfriend did not exist.

Did. Not. Exist.

Not at all. Come to find out this girl was put together out of thin air, Facebook pictures, a phone number and a few text messages. But my man Manti was talking like they were about to get married and this was the worst tragedy that ever hit anyone. I don’t know about you and your girlfriends, but if anyone has a main lady who they have never met in real person, that ain’t your lady. I know dudes who don’t claim women while the woman is in the room. Dude’s who don’t claim women who live with them. Don’t claim women who they have kids with. And I’m talking about in private conversations where NO ONE is going to find out. When you claim your girl on NATIONAL TELEVISION. Look, you could be MARRIED. You take off that ring, the only people who know are your friends, your momma, you and God. When you announce your girl on national TV, you are telling the whole world you’re off limits. Hell, AJ McCarron is dating Miss Alabama and he still had a conversation with Brent Musburger after the National Title Game for blowing his spot up. What’s AJ supposed to do with this now?

I like how Manti Te’o had enough technology to have a relationship completely on the internet, but apparently never heard of Skype. If I’m having a long distance relationship, I’m cranking up the webcam, skype, some facetime, something. The phone calls get old quick.

It’s all tough. The BEST CASE scenario at this point is that he was tricked online. That’s pretty horrible. I’m sure dude went through real emotion. He actually seems like a good guy.

The horrible middle option is that he made all this up himself in order to get more attention. That’s horrible. But at least I’d know the kid wasn’t a total victim. But this doesn’t seem likely.

The WORST CASE scenario, what I will call the Tiger Woods, scorched earth theory, the Man-Lie Gay’bro if you will. is that this is an ex-gay lover, spurned by Manti who set up a fake persona to get back at Manti. Te’o, so willing to hide his sexuality in an environment where he is a Hawaiian Mormon at a Catholic school was so desperate to have a beard that he went with the e-beard. And he was so ready to spread the word far and wide he was willing to accept this ridiculous fake chick and spread the word far and wide.

I’m not mad at him for having a digital relationship though. But don’t feel sorry for him. He may have been naive but he was having sex. This might be a little NSFW, but we’ve obtained photographic proof that Manti actually had sex with his girl. It’s a little graphic, but we have a picture of Manti performing oral sex on his girl.Brace yourself.

Don’t borrow his computer. His spacebar doesn’t work anyway.

One good thing. I used to pause and guess every time I had to say his name. Now I know exactly how to pronounce it. Everyone else does too.



An Open Letter to the BCS and Notre Dame

I think I lost all interest in the Bowl games this year. I think it might have been somewhere between the Beef O’Brady’s bowl (That’s sadly a real thing. And I’m sure they spent a lot of money for me not to give a damn what a Beef O’Brady’s is.) and the two piece Spicy chicken extra hot sauce on the side bowl. (Which is not a real thing, but should be. Ragin Cajuns of Louisiana-Lafeyette vs. the Gamecocks of South Carolina…everybody wins.) But this National Championship was a complete debacle.

I fell for it too. The undefeated record. The gold helmets. I really convinced myself that Notre Dame was going to be able to stay on the field with a damn semi-pro team. Notre Dame was good when again? Late ’90’s? And they are STILL getting national attention off of that. Despite the fact they pick and choose their own schedule every year and like to keep it close. They could have easily lost to Michigan, Stanford and obviously Pitt. I give them credit for winning those games (and hope I’m not making the same argument about my Falcons this Monday) but did anyone think it was going to actually be a game after Alabama scored three minutes into that game? I know…I know…you can’t panic. I know Notre Dame just wanted to get out there and run the scripted plays they have been practicing for the last month and a half. (Yeah they got a long time off because they have no Championship game because they HAVE NO CONFERENCE.) Too bad it was already too late. The Alabama-Georgia game for the SEC Championship was better, WAY BETTER. It’s sad.

There was only one dude who thought Notre Dame still had a chance to win when they were down 28-0 at the half. Lou Holtz.

He also predicted they were going to win back in 2007 when they went 3-9. I’m sure he thought Notre Dame just wanted to wear down the Alabama offense by keeping them out on the field for the entire first half. Which, why doesn’t anyone ever point that out. They are always saying the defense gets worn down, but there were a lot of Alabama players making a lot of long runs yesterday. It’s hard to put up 320 yards in a half.

The only highlight of the night was everyone getting introduces to Katherine Webb. Alabama Quarterback AJ McCarron’s girlfriend and 2012 Miss Alabama.

She went full on girl next door status in a jersey and just enough makeup to look like she doesn’t REALLY care about it, but looks good as hell on camera. She picked up a clean 100K twitter followers last night after Brent Musburger talked for a good minute about how Quarterbacks get all the good tail on a nationally televised Championship game. Dude really didn’t want to let it go. He essentially advised young men to make sure they concentrated on their footwork and follow through if they want to pick up a Miss Alabama of their own. Of course once #TeamUs picked up the fact she was Miss Alabama, they mentioned it guaranteed there were pictures of her in a bikini on the internet.

And there is. #TeamUs also said I should but the interns on determining her position on the WGTS. But we know the answer to that question from the picture above, don’t we? Not as many as you would think, but enough for govt. work. AJ better watch his back though. I’m sure she’s content to hook her hitch to the two time National Champion quarterback for now, but he better learn how to play some damn good defense, otherwise there are a lot of dudes who are already in the league who put Katherine on their personal watch list last night. Including LeBron James who learned that he needs to be a little slicker about who he follows on Twitter. Caught you bro.

I’m happy the BCS is going to the playoff system because Notre Dame did not belong on the same field as Alabama last night. no one wants a national championship game that is over at the end of the first quarter. It’s crazy when a game is a blowout at 42-14 and the GAME WAS NOT THAT CLOSE. It could have easily been 60-0.

I know Notre Dame is a little upset right now. But don’t worry, for some reason people automatically give you guys the benefit of the doubt, so you will be able to ride at least a good 8 years off of this National Title appearance. So that should hold your candy arses for a few years. At least Notre Dame stopped the “wearin o’ the green”. That was turrible.


The SECOND Worst Way To Get Caught Cheating

So the FIRST worst way to get caught cheating is when you wife walks in on you banging some chick out in your own bed. That is still the most agressive, ridiculous thing you can possibly do. Seriously, what were you thinking?

But the second worst way has to be the way Bobby Petrino went down.

No, it isn’t just because a grown man decided to take his hawg out into the side streets of Arkansas thinking he was a big bad man. No, not just because he thought riding a motorcycle made him think he was this dude, when if you actually think about it really isn’t that aspirational.

But because this guy got into a horrible motorcycle wreck and tried to show up at work the next day like it was all good. It was great. in Arkansas they thought he was the greatest tough guy of all time. You see that neck brace up there. That isn’t the bullshittin’ whiplash neck brace, that is the get carted off the football field version of the neck brace. Hard plastic, gotta turn all the way around to see what is going on behind you, can’t see your own dack neck brace.

Things were all good until the REST of the information came out. That one person crash he was in? Yeah, it was a two person crash. The other person? Yeah, it was a 25 year old staff member. A chick. A former volleyball player.  She’s bad too.

If you ever wanted to know what your HR department at work calls a classic sexual discrimination case, this is pretty much it. Wait. He also supposedly gave her favorable treatment. Oh…and he also allegedly broke her off with $20,000 on the side. So we’ve got lying. Money. Favorable treatment. Yeah, that is pretty much a guaranteed loss of your job no matter how many games you won in the SEC. There is literally no way the school could keep him. They are gonna get sued. Guaranteed. This just means they will have to break every female member of the staff off with an “settlement” of 100K instead of $750K a piece.

I wonder if he gave her a Woo Pig Sooie too.

Terrible. I just went too far. I’m still mad a Bobby for dipping out on the Falcons mid-season.

Add this to my list of reasons only assholes ride motorcycles. Which I haven’t actually written yet, but trust me it’s a long list. I know, I know. There are loyal members of #TeamUs who ride motorcycles. I’m still down with you, but if you reflect, you’re all assholes too. It’s okay. I’m an asshole and I can freely admit it. I’m just not a motorcycle riding asshole. We end up in the same place, we just get there different ways. I get there by talking shit. You get there by driving on the line on the freeway, wearing that helmet with the built in mohawk, and wearing a full neon green bodysuit like that is actually acceptable. See, we aren’t all that different.



Man Up Monday: Tuesday Edition – Maryland Terrapins

The Maryland Terrapins just landed the rare second appearance in Man Up Monday. The first time it was for catching an ass whoopin at the hand of the Duke Blue Devils basketball team.

They caught a real beatdown that night. We’ve covered the fact that Maryland is not Duke’s rival. The fact that Maryland Students still think rioting is cool. But today we are going to cover the Maryland football team.

A few weeks ago, Maryland Football announced that they were going to go the way of Oregon Football and are now rocking the wild, interchangeable uniforms every week.

You know they wanted to take it to the next level when they went with the turtle shell on the helmet.

You know, I have a theory about fashion. The rule is that if you are going to push it, you get to choose one thing that is out of the ordinary. You want to wear a wild bright color? Fine, make it a t-shirt and keep everything else simple. You want to rock a hat or vest or some white shoes? Do your thing, just don’t wear all three at once. So when the Maryland uniforms went with the turtle shell AND the color shift numbers, so you gotta keep the pants simple.

I’m thinking Canary yellow is not keeping it simple. My man second from the right is looking off camera like “You got me in the bitchiest version of this punk ass uniform. White pants and a yellow jersey? This some bullshit.” I hope they break out the yellow on yellow on yellow just because they can. They didn’t have a picture of that version of the uniform looks like, but I found a picture on my own.


The funniest part about these new ridiculous unis? The fact that they were holding back. They had one more design up their sleeves. First of all. The State of Maryland has the most aggressive flag in the Union.

It is half racing flag, half coat of arms. So take that flag and splash it all over a football uniform.

Dubya. Tee. Eff.

That thing is an atrocity. Complete with the matching shirt sleeve. It is called a UNIFORM. By definition it is supposed to make everyone look the same. Meanwhile, last night on the field last night, they looked like two different teams.

It is like someone designed two NFL Europe Uniforms and mashed them together. Whatever they did, those are awful and needed the Man Up Monday treatment this week.

Please. Please. Please let them bring the basketball team out in some wildness like this. I’ll need a good laugh come ACC Basketball season.

Maryland Terrapins. Man Up!


University of Miami: Where “The U” Stands for Unbe-fackin-lievable

The U always has some sort of controversy going on. But this latest scandal is pretty damn good. There was a Miami booster named Nevin Shapiro who was around the U between 2002 and 2009.


Right on the field too. This dude was all the way down with the program. Now here at UvT we generally have a strong anti-stop snitching policy. Most people try to enforce stop snitching the wrong way. Shapiro was the one driving the damn scandal, then he wants to sell everyone else out from jail.  Surprisingly, this dude doesn’t really seem to be like a great dude.  He talking junk from jail. Not some crib on Star island in Miami. He’s sending the messages from jail where he’s service 20 years for running a Ponzi scheme for $930 Million.

By the way. I don’t know who Ponzi is, and why he always had a scheme instead of a plan. You know plans sound much more innocent than schemes. Every time. A scheme, you are going down. A Plan, and you are well prepared. The Ponzi Plan sounds like something that gets proposed in congress. Ponzi might want to get his act together. People keep losing every time they follow his instructions for making money. Wait a minute. Just found a pic of Chris Ponzi.

Actually he kinda does look like a schemer. I think it’s the cane.

Anyway, this guy Shipiro said he was throwing parties with prostitutes on yachts. Hoes on Boats. Get a yatch on a yacht. Sounds like a party to me. He said the hotel parties where he rents out a whole floor and brings the hoes up there started to get a little stale. So he took the concept to the water. He also paid players for big plays, for knocking out other key players on other teams. Oh, and he apparently chipped off some player for an abortion for his girlfriend. Wow.

The U has been in trouble before. During the Uncle Luke era things looked bad. Although, who wouldn’t want to hang out with Uncle Luke?


The best part about this whole story is that Miami still sucked during this time period. I mean, if you are gonna cheat and pay players in cash, hoes and clothes, can’t you win a few games. This guy Nevin Shapiro must be a terrible businessman. Hitting players with cash is supposed to be an incentive to attract them to the team or help them play better. This dude was paying just to hang out with these cats.

Why does this always happen to the U? What makes people think that the U is always up to something. They have Hall of Fame level alumni like Michael Irvin and Warren Sapp. Great players who contributed to the game and continue to offer high level, smart commentary on football.


Shout to H8torade for that gif. Shout to the Playmaker for making me laugh every time I see that fist pump. Literally every time. I laughed 8 times typing this sentence.

Apparently, the NCAA death penalty is on the table for the U right now. Talking about an SMU style SHUT DOWN of the football program. Not fines and loss of scholarships. I’m talking about tell your football players to go home for a few years. Damn. That’s gangster.

The U needs to pull it together.

Jim Tressel: Now You Know You F’d Up Right?

The Ohio State University and Jim Tressel have a long history with Us Versus Them. Maurice Clarrett is a UvT favorite. We’ve had a lot of discussion about the fact that Ohio State and the short Big 10 schedule ruin college football every year by finishing their schedule in October (I kid, I kid) and taking a break while all the rest of the divisions beat themselves down. That means they were able to be near the top of college football just to get beat down in their bowl game. Of course, then the news of Jim Tressel knowing the NCAA violations came down, they got the Man Up Monday treatment.

I told you back in March that this was out of Ohio State’s hands now, and you know it was completely out of control when Jim Tressel “resigned” earlier this week. It was the classic, “please resign and make this easy on all of us, because we sure as hell aren’t gonna play you any more of this contract after decimated our top 5 football program for the next 5-10 years.” Jim Tressel was willing to risk it all to win one more championship. He didn’t care what happened and had to see this coming. When his star QB, his left tackle, his #1 rusher, his #2 WR, and a defensive end were going to be out for a stack of games, he knew he wasn’t going to have a shot at the title without them. Then, when the news broke back in December, before the Sugar Bowl, Tressel let his players take the fall and tried to keep himself and the program clean. THEN this asshole went to all of the players and made them all agree to come back to the team to play next year.

Jim Tressel thought there was going to be a next year. He made 4 Ohio State starters pass up the NFL to come back to a program that is about to run an assistant coach, not be eligible for a bowl game until Justin Beiber can buy a drink, and will lose 30 something scholarships over the next few years. Hmmmmm.

Jim Tressel is now the Tiger Woods of College Football. He might not have screwed 16 hoes, but he just ran a train on his entire team. Just like Tiger, Jim Tressel had an immaculately manicured public persona. Just like Tiger, it just got ripped to shreds. He literally went from the top to the bottom. He can’t get a college job. Any school that takes him might lose him to suspensions and NCAA sanctions. He just ripped apart the Ohio State program, any good coach would have to fight through 3 years of B.S. before the program could get back to even ground. While I’m pretty sure the previous winner of the UvT Asshole coach of the year, Lane Kiffin, would take the job, he might be the only one in the world. But Lane will do anything.

I’m not going to lie. I’m enjoying this whole thing. I’m not an Ohio State Hater (I see you OSU Will, you still around, Triple B? Anyone want to stand up for this guy?) but they’ve been running the program on the edge for years. Here’s a little life lesson. When you are caught, when the jig is up, when someone has it on paper, tell the truth.

Now the big question is what is next for Jim Tressel? The NFL? A forced hiatus? A lesser program? Suicide?

Come on Jim, it isn’t that bad. at least your record against Michigan will never go down. That 9-1 record is pretty damn impressive. You’ve still got that. In most of Ohio, that is all that really matters. I’m sure some of those Buckeye fans will still consider you a hero. That and $5 will still get you a sandwich in Columbus.

Note to the NCAA. Jim Tressel messed up. He played this wrong. But you can’t keep taking down programs and the other kids on the team who do the right thing and live their dreams by playing at their favorite schools by punishing the team and the school years after the violation occurred. USC, there isn’t a person in the house involved with those issues. Everyone who should have known better at Ohio State will be long gone before you slap the squad with sanctions. The way these rules get applied sucks.



Man Up Monday: Ohio State and Jim Tressel

College football is known for a lot of things. Incredible athletes. A mix of sports and school pride. An inexplicable ranking system. And coaches who are willing to do anything to help their programs win it all.

There are lots of ways to try hard. USC got busted for players who were paid to come to the school. That is the big bad rule you can’t break. Don’t pay the players. It gives you an unfair advantage. You have to recruit the players, they should choose you because of their opportunities and the academics, not because some booster is willing to slip them a few dollars. Michigan got busted for making players practice too hard. These are “student-athletes” after all. Can’t make it all about football. Of course there are workouts that aren’t required and each player can make a choice about whether they participate. Of course, the coaches aren’t required to play that guy on Saturday either. That brings us to the Ohio State Buckeyes. They just got busted for cheating too. We thought it was just the things that we found out about last year right before the Sugar Bowl. Terrell Pryor and a few other key players were found to have sold some of their personal items for money. They got five games…after the Sugar Bowl when they get to play Akron, Toledo and a few other bums next year.

Here is the best part. The coach, Jim Tressel, the man with the vest pulled off something spectacular. He was able to do something wrong by not doing anything at all. That’s right error by omission. He knew something was going down and decided he wasn’t quite ready to say anything about it. Can you imagine what this guy was thinking when he heard?

Jim Tressel found out in April that a few of his players had sold some memorabilia for money. Violation. I’m sure Tressell was thinking…”okay a few guys are gonna get knocked around for messing up, who is it?” Terrell Pryor? My star QB? Who else? Four other starters? Dammit. Well we might be able to work through it. What is our ranking? #2? Dammit. We might drop a game that and that will keep us from winning a national championship. Who else knows? No one? Sheeeeeeeeit. Let’s ride. at THE Ohio State University, they ignored THE evidence so they could try to win THE national championship.

Gotta love that logic. They guy wanted to take one more shot at the national title before he decided to shut it all down. Tressell found out there was something wrong in Spring ball and everyone else didn’t find out until December. He damn near made it too.  Too bad the Buckeyes lost that game to Wisconsin. Kinda makes the whole thing feel like it wasn’t worth it.

The best part is how schools in this situation try to punish themselves before the NCAA gets to them. Ohio State gave Jim Tressell a two game suspension on their own before the NCAA comes in and gives him at least 5 games. It is like a little kid who knows he is in trouble and starts crying before he gets a spanking. If you cry hard enough, if you really go hysterical, maybe you can avoid the spanking altogether. Unfortunately, the NCAA is old school. They like to whoop ass and they do it well. The players got 5 games, so Tressell is going to get at least that. I guess the self punishment doesn’t look so impressive when you suspend the coach against the scrimmage games up front.

Ohio State, I can’t tell if you need to Man Up or if you already have. Jim Rome likes to say you aren’t trying hard enough is you aren’t cheating, and you aren’t cheating hard enough if you don’t get caught. Jim Tressell strapped the sweater vest on tight and made a run for the finish line and tried to make it before he got hit. He basically made it too. He knew he was going to have to sacrifice this year anyway. The question is whether or not the NCAA will cost them a few games and scholarships for the next few years.

Ohio State you better Man Up and get ready. It is out of your hands now.

Man Up!


Ain’t Nothing Wrong With A Good Football Asswhoopin

I love it when people try to apply the little league “mercy” rule to college and professional football.  In little league, you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, you don’t want to let your kid continue to take a beatdown when the game is out of reach, when they are outmatched, you want kids to learn how to be good sports.  Everywhere else, in every other sport, a good asswhoopin IS good sportsmanship.

For example, Wisconsin beat Indiana 83 to 20 this weekend.  They did it fast too.  Indiana hung tough until it was 10-10, then Wisconsin opened up on them.  Running up the score, throwing the ball and going deep late, going for the two point conversion, they were scoring on D, they threw a 70+ yard TD at near the end of the game, I mean really getting loose.  They almost outscored the Wisconsin Badgers basketball team this weekend.  The problem is, Wisconsin has every incentive to run up the score.  With the BCS in place, the only way some teams can get noticed is to run up the score.  Just ask Boise State.  They have been trying to put up 70 on every bum they encounter just to try to stick close to the top 3.  I’ve got a personal philosophy for losing teams who don’t like the opposition running up the score.  If you don’t like it, stop them.  That’s all you have to do.  Don’t expect a team to hold back just because you suck.  That is what Wisconsin coach Brad Bielema believes.  He said there are no style points in that 83 point score.  That is all good, clean football.

The Badger didn’t like racking up all those pushups though.

Now Mike Vick is opening up a can of whoop ass on the Redskins right now. They scored 28 points in the first quarter, Vick has already run for two TD’s himself and is slinging the ball all over the field  to any one who is open…and EVERYONE is open.  Mike Vick isn’t gonna be hitting the brakes any time soon.  I believe Mike Vick went to the Cobra Kai school of Football.