March Madnass 2012: Assnosis Division


Round one of March Madnass is now underway. You can vote a total of 8 times below, but you can reload it and vote again if you want to.

Vote early, vote often. This is going to be a hot one.

Assnosis Division:

1. Claudia Sampedro [video]

16. Tammy Torres [video]


2. Vida Guerra [video]

15. Emily B [video]


3. Carol Seleme [video]

14. Amber Rose [video]


4. Sofia Vergara [video]

13. Nicole Mejia [video]


5. Rosa Acosta [video]

12. Jesikah Maximus [video]


6. Padma Lakshmi [video]

11. Jessica/Miss Rabbit [video]


7. Tahiry [video]

10. Freida Pinto [video]


8. Meagan Good [video]

9. Christina Milian [video]


Man Up Monday: What Did I Miss?

Your boy Brock made the West Coast relocation a reality, got myself together, and now I’m back. That means all of you can stop pretending that you care about the reasons I’m not hitting you with new posts. Thanks for the support though. Might take me a second to get warmed up, so let’s get it.

So the second I shut the place down, all hell breaks lose.


As soon as I put down the keyboard I see my Twitter blow up on a Sunday night saying that the President has a major announcement. Work Blitzer is on CNN saying the President had an important announcement. Then he said the President would be coming out in five minutes. Then it was at 11pm. Finally, President Obama came striding down the hallway to let the world know Osama Bin Laden had been found, caught, and killed.

Now for the last 10 years we’ve been looking in caves, trying to figure out how Bin Laden was camping out for a decade while getting dialysis, and looking to see if he was still in Pakistan or somewhere else. Caves! Now I don’t know how government intelligence works, but I’ll tell you how the rest of the world works. Bin Laden was the leader of Al Qaeda, the boss. When you are the big brother, you get to pick your bunk, you get the front seat in the car and you get the big slice of pizza. So if that is the way a 10 year old works things out with his 8 year old little brother, you think Bin Laden is going to stay in a cave without his family or any comforts of home? Sheeeeeit, Bin Laden was exactly where I expected to find him. Kicking it in a mansion listening to a pre-release of Dr. Dre’s Detox album on his Beats by Dr. Dre headphones.  He had a few wives up in there with him and everything. Dude was really kicking it.

Then the inevitable happened. Fox News went on ahead and got the leader of the free world mixed up with the most notorious criminal on the planet.

I know Bin Laden is dead, but let me give everyone a tip on how to never make this mistake again. Our President is named Barack Obama. That’s his last name. You can call him President Obama if you would like. The former head of Al Qaeda is named Osama Bin Laden. His last name is Bin Laden. Unless you went to high school with him, unless he is one of your boys from back home, unless you are somewhere in the top 5 of Al Qaeda and Bin Laden is your homeboy, I think calling the dude Osama is a little too familiar. Why the hell does everyone want to call him by his first name? See how it becomes easy? Barack sounds nothing like Osama. Obama does not resemble Bin Laden. Boom. See, it is no longer easy to make that mistake. Don’t say I never did anything for you.

Lakers get swept out of the Playoffs:

Now the second I get to L.A., what do I get? I get the Lakers getting beat twice at home then deciding that it isn’t worth it to try to fight their way back. Which is crazy because you know Kobe wanted it. Kobe always wants it.

He didn’t even pull out his wolf face in the series. Along the way the Lakers did the impossible. They made Dirk Nowitzki look like a beast. The one thing we could depend on in the NBA West is that the Dallas Mavs are soft. Chief softy #1 was Dirk Nowitski.

Now people are talking about Dirk like he’s one of the greatest ever. That’s pretty ridiculous. I will say, the only reason I would like to see the Mavs win is to see Mark Cuban completely lose his mind on national TV. The guy might actually make his own head explode if he gets to hold the championship.

What happened to the Lakers? I have my theories.

My Epic First Night in LA:

Now I’ve had some good nights in the past. I like to have a good time with the best of them. But when you run a blog like this you don’t expect to run into three UvT quality babes in one night. Now I know there are famous people who hang out in L.A., but I just couldn’t anticipate getting it all in at once. Bottom line, I run into Teyana Taylor, who gets down like this. The body is just as official in real life. Then, I’m backstage at the Dirty Money concert with the Ciroc flowing all night and get some close up time with Dawn Richard. She gets down in the show like this:

Finally, I roll to the afterparty and find out that out here in LA some clubs have clubs inside the club that you don’t even know are there. I mean we walk into a fully rocking club go straight through a damn near secret corridor and end up in a completely different club playing completely different music. I’m not just talking different rooms playing different music. I’m talking about “where the hell did this room come from” type stuff. So before I leave, I need to dispose of the copious volume of Ciroc I had consumed that night. I try to go to the regular club bathroom and got directed to some wild back storage room. I’m talking vacuum cleaners, hot water heaters, lockers, utility sinks, it is pretty much the wildest setup I’ve ever seen. Why the hell am I in the storage room? It actually gets better. There is some wild ass chick back there who is of the drunk and talking shit variety. She proceeds to tell an Asian chick in a bustier that she’s hot and needs to take some pictures of her. The directions are, and I quote, “tits out, shoulders back, and work that ass”. Then the group pictures started. I thought it was great but it got better. The door opens and a head pops in. Who is it. Christina Freaking Milian. She is as bad in person as anything I’ve ever posted to this site. We had a little convo, I let her know how much I appreciated her body of work. I’m just getting started.

Shit, I’m out of practice, I was supposed to tell someone to Man Up.

I’m gonna go with Bynum needing some pushups.

Man Up!


March Madnass: And the Winner Is…

There were thousands of votes and in the end the winner won by 2 votes. Two votes. I have to assume that it went back and forth a few times there at the end as the votes stacked up.

Laura Dore put up a good fight, but in the end the ageless one, Stacey Dash brought it home.

But the winner of 2011 March Madnass is:

Stacey Dash

We called her to let her know.

She was surprised too. It was a hard fought contest with a lot of surprises, but I’ve got a list of chicks on the watch list for the next year. Stacey has the inside track for UvT Quality Chick of the Year since she won via a democratic process, but there are still 8 months of the year for some young, semi-famous young lady to drop a sex tape. Ciara, is that you? Here is one more shot of the winner.

That is about as NSFW as I can get with Ms. Dash on the front page here, but she posed for Playboy so a simple Google search will give you the full goods.

As March Madnass was going on, some of the ladies dropped some heat to let everyone on TeamUs know that they were gone too soon. So here is the UvT version of One Shining Moment without Luther Vandross.

Runner up Laura Dore has this gem that Itz dropped on us.

She definitely wins the comic book body award.

Amber Rose hit the beach with her extra thick, damn that last ham sandwich was good body.

It’s a little too much (this is the best angle), but is it all still silky smooth.

Christina Milian is going back to King Magazine where she’s holding it down for the MILF’s out there.

You know Milian will always be a favorite of Mr. Hardon. I like how they didn’t photoshop that one out too. Just enough real to keep it real.

And Rihanna went on ahead and dropped some heat for the cover of Rolling Stone.

I think Rihanna is having a wardrobe malfunction. In a good way. That hip tattoo is killer right now.

That’s it. Thanks for jumping in on March Madnass 2011. It was fun and I think we made history. We will run it back again next year and look for some real spoilers.






March Madnass: Sweet 16

It is finally time to get down to business. We started with 64 ladies and we are down to the Sweet 16. No more links, no more multiple choice polls. Time to put these ladies head to head to see what happens.

With 16 pictures of the baddest chicks out right now, this should be one of the most popular posts here at UvT for a long time. There are some surprises in both divisions. Amber Rose took out Britney Dailey.Shakira took out Rosa Acosta. The only #1 seed still alive is Vanessa Veasley.

ONLY ONE DAY FOR VOTING this time. We are going to get the Elite 8 done on Friday and over the weekend. We need to lock in that Final Four and come up with a winner early next week. Spread the word. Us Versus Them March Madnass is the only contest of its kind, let’s make sure we get it right.


Famous Division:

Amber Rose vs. Meagan Good

Amber Rose:

Meagan Good:

Christina Milian vs. Stacey Dash:

Christina Milian:

Stacey Dash:

Halle Berry vs. Monica Bellucci:

Halle Berry:

Monica Bellucci:

Rita G. vs. Shakira:

Rita G:


Rookie Division

Victoria Taylor vs. Jesikah Maximus:

Victoria Taylor (Vickie6)

Jesikah Maximus:

Tiara Harris vs. Nilanti Narian:

Tiara Harris:

Nilanti Narian:

Vanessa Veasley vs. Laura Dore:

Vanessa Veasley:

Laura Dore:

Marisa Elise vs. Joanna Pena:

Marisa Elise:

Joanna Pena:

March Madnass: Round of 32 – Famous Division

The first round of March Madnass is over and it is time to send another 16 ladies home. Huge upsets in the first round. Late entry Britney Dailey took down Number 1 seed Kim Kardashian. Christina Milian was able to hold on against a surging Allison Stokke. Now it is time to get down to some serious business. Can a dark horse rise up to get to the Sweet 16? It is up to Team Us.

Voting every day this week. Check back and vote often.



More Thigh Than KFC Division:

16 Britney Dailey

9 Amber Rose


5 Jessica Biel

4 Meagan Good


6 Vida Guerra

3 Christina Milian


7 Stacey Dash

2 Rihanna


Dollop Division:

1 Halle Berry

9 Selita Ebanks


5 Eva Mendes

4 Monica Bellucci


6 Rita G

3 Dania Ramirez


7 Shakira

2 Rosa Acosta

March Madnass: More Thigh Than KFC Division


We are finally here, I think I have it working and as Ian suggested we need a theme song during the voting. We will go with Ms. Fat Booty for the “Ass so fat you can see it from the front” line.

I can’t drop full on pics in the first round. You can hit the links if you don’t know about these ladies, but they should all be familiar to you. I hope the voting works, hit me with feedback in the comments. ALSO, hit your friends with this link. This joint has the potential to be EPIC! March Madnass needs to go down in history. Let’s pump up the voting, lets make this a movement. Let’s find the true winner. #TeamUs can build some momentum right now.

So vote on whatever criteria you like. If you are just looking for the best tail in the land, go for it. If you are looking for an all around MVP, that sounds good to me. If you are one of the ladies of UvT and want to vote for a great fashion sense and for a chick who could be your bestie…whatever keeps you coming back. We are crowning the #1 UvT Quality Chick out here, may the best woman win.

Some great matchups in this division. That Biel vs. Suvari could get interesting. Vida Guerra vs. Melyssa Ford is a matchup of some classic video vixens.

If this all works, we are rolling with voting everyday this week. Also, no voting limitations so vote early, vote often.


More Thigh than KFC Division

1. Kim Kardashian

16. Brittany Dailey

2. Rihanna

15. Jenn Sterger

3. Christina Milian

14. Alison Stokke

4. Meagan Good

13. Hoopz

5. Jessica Biel

12. Mena Suvari

6. Vida Guerra

11. Melyssa Ford

7. Stacy Dash

10. Britney Spears

8. Rachel McAdams

9. Amber Rose

Vote Below

More Milli

I had to run a few more of these Milian shots.  They really do keep coming.  I’d call them bottomless, but…that is simply not true.

Simply not true at all.  The cameraman did a fantastic job framing this shot.  One more, post workout:

Somehow I don’t think this is going to help the “burger” debate going on in the comments, but she’s still looking good for me.  She’s going for the MILF of the year award right here.

Yeah, I just scrolled back up to look at the first pic too.


Christina Milian: Lawd Help Me

This weekend I was working on the Ten  Ass Commandments, and I’ve finished laying down these hot lyrics.  But then something started firing in on the hotline and we had some breaking news that is pushing everything else to the back burner.  What was the breaking news?  Apparently Christina Milian is recovering from her breakup with the Dream by going into full on “Screw You” mode.  How did she do it?  By letting everyone know she’s still packing heat.

That’s right, she broke out the spandex shawt shorts cat suit and went for a little jog.  Wait, didn’t this chick just drop a baby like 5 months ago?  But wait, there’s more.

She paused to get her stretch on and let everyone know that not only are the tights tight, but that they do not require the use of draws.  Then she kept stretching.

And stretching:

I’m just gonna wait here for a moment if you don’t mind.  I feel like I’m having a dream within a dream Inception style. I just need one more second…

Thanks, I’m back.  Angle 3?

The crease is still in full effect, that ass might be bigger now and the calves are still tight.  Lawd help me.  There can’t be an angle 2 in the archives, can it?

This is like a bottomless pit, it isn’t going to stop is it?  I’m just going to keep posting pictures of Christina Milian in blue tights forever, and it will satisfy you all for the rest of all time.  We will be stuck here forever, but we will all be happy.

Okay, there is only one left.  Even I don’t know what’s going on here.

Her body really is like an action figure.  That ass is trying to slide around the left, the hips and pelvis are staying tight and the chick is working hard to get her “F*ck you Dream” body back.

Milian in a bikini in 5…4…3…2…