Reviews of Shows I Don’t Watch: The Voice

I was looking through my hilarious archives, (Like THIS joint. That’s just good life advice) and realized that we used to do a lot of TV show reviews on the site. I stopped doing it, but I still watch a LOT of damn tv, so I decided to bring it back. Then I realized, I don’t actually watch the shows people care about. Lake used to watch those soft ass shows that people want to discuss. So I’m starting something new. Reviews of shows I don’t actually watch.

Let’s start with the Voice.

I only know three out of those four people, one only in name. But it does remind me that C-Lo used to be in Goodie Mob, which  was a really great, thugged out ATL group.

No sequins there. Although those shorts are pretty fashionably adventurous for a rap group when C-Lo assumes that stance.

So the Voice is a show where the judges face backward while someone sings. They are judging the singer only by their voice, not by what they look like. So the judges create teams by sound, so they might end up with someone who might not look like a star but may sound like one. Just like when you are lost and driving your car, apparently you can only listen when you concentrate really hard as opposed to when you normally listen. You’ve got to squint and strain to make sure you can hear.

The funny thing is this would be a great concept if they let it play all the way out. Imagine how big of a finale they would have if you really judged just one voice for the entire season and didn’t get to see them until you picked a finalist then had to work with it. THAT would be a challenge. Instead, as soon as they get past the first round it basically turns into American Idol with teams, also known as X-Factor. (Which I also don’t watch).

The crazy thing is that the teams end up being pretty obvious. If you are a rocker, you pick Adam. Country, Blake. If you can really sing big, you go with Christina. And if you are crazy nut job, you go with C-Lo.

Aren’t these shows all the same? Isn’t someone the mean one like Simon Cowell if Simon Cowell isn’t available? How many of these shows do we really need. Can we really find four completely unknown singers a year and pretend like they are going to be stars? Actually that doesn’t even matter. I’m completely down with the show. Why? Because it allows C-Lo to do this.

Any show where the producer approves C-Lo to stroke a white fuzzy cat in every interview as if he is plotting to take over the world is okay with me. He looks so serious about it too. Actually, I think the cat actually looks more serious than he does. In fact, maybe the cat is the mean judge, and C-Lo is just his pawn, controlled by telepathy.

So without watching this show, I’m able to determine it is about an evil cat who is trying to take over the world using C-Lo as his pawn.  If someone can confirm that for me, I’ll watch it.

This is fun. I need to not watch a few more shows.

-Brock

Ridiculous: Mickey Mouse Club

The Mickey Mouse Club was good for…actually I don’t know what it was good for, but I’m guessing it was solid entertainment for some cross section of parents who were willing to let their kids listen to oddly reworked R&B and pop songs of the day get translated by a bunch of 12 year olds.  I’ll give them this, they had some killer talent scouts because they ran Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake and Christina Aguilera all on the same show.

Yeah, that whole right side over there has sold more than 215 million records worldwide.  I don’t know who that brother in the middle is, but I’m pretty sure he’s either pissed off at the world and drowning his sorrows in cocaine and Hennessy or trying to holla at Britney so he can get some of that good Federline baby-daddy money.  So those are basically the best and most successful 30 year old singers in the country.  Who does that now?  Is it Nickelodeon because they have Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers?  If they learn how to pimp Justin Beiber they would own the minds of every 12 year old girl on the planet.

How crazy was the Mickey Mouse Club?  So crazy they can take one of the greatest songs, “Cry For You”, by one of the greatest groups, Jodeci, and make it half turrible.

Okay fine, Justin kinda kills it with the high notes.  And yes, that is actor Ryan Gosling and JC Chasez from N’Sync in the clip too.  Those outfits are ridiculous as is Justin talking about “begging on his knees”.  I don’t know if all of those screaming little girls were listening to the song too closely, but I’ve done an awful lot of fuckin to that song so uhhhhh…that ain’t right.

I’ve decided I’m going to start a foundation for the Lost Brothers of the Mickey Mouse Club.  We’re gonna do a Behind the Music and an all black Mickey Mouse Club reunion show.  It will be like a broke ass karaoke version of New Edition, just like B2K.  I’m gonna call them Black Mouse Down.  We’re gonna get paid.

I’m a visionary.

-Brock

Freaky Disney Chicks Part 2: Adrienne Bailon

Mayne, somebody better tell Walt Disney to get his hoes in check.  This time, it’s former 3LW errr Cheetah Girl’s star Adrienne Bailon, with some NSFW buckeded nakeded pictures that just happened to leak onto the internet.

And yes she does look damn good nowadays.  Jeez, baby girl is all grown up.

Anyway, let’s backtrack some.  When I was a kid, all you ever wanted was to hit up Disney Land/World and go holler at Mickey for some good clean fun.  And when you got there, Mickey never disappointed you.  He kept it real, he kept it wholesome and when you left, all you had in your head were positive thoughts and visions like this:

But nowadays, you F around with anything Disney and you’re getting something that looks more like this:

And even worse, produce jaded as$ kids that grow up to behave like this:

Ha.  That’s f*ckin terrible.  Anyway, you might be saying to yourself, “Lake, come on now…my baby daddy took my daughter to Disney and everything was A Ok.  I can’t feel what you’re talking about, Disney is still wholesome.”  But is it?

Just as an aside, is there a show on TV that’s crazier than “To Catch A Predator?”  haa  I mean, you talk about some wild cats.  How you gonna roll up with wine coolers, rope, condoms and some juicy fruit mint gum talking about “I just wanted to talk to him errr her.”  Haaaaa  Sure.

Moving on, like it or not, and I know this will crush all you crazy ass grown women who still keep 35 stuffed animals on your bed, Disney has become what Pretty Tony aptly named “a rest haven for hoes.”  Consider what Disney has produced:

1.  Mickey Mouse Clubber, Britney Spears

Ahem.  Can I get a hell yes?

2.  Mickey Mouse Clubber, Christina “Fukin’ for tracks” Aguilera

So classy.  lol  I know, I know, she’s just embracing her sexuality.  She’s liberated and she did this shoot and all those tracks she had to sex Dallas Austin and his boy for, with complete control and total creative input.  I know.  ha

3.  High School Musical’s, Vanessa Hudgens

She may be an embarrassment to Disney, but she’s ok with us here at UvT.  You know, it’s not the body, those mismatched undergarments or the basic furniture in that background that looks like she’s getting wild in her mom’s guest room.  Nope, it’s that look on her face.  It just let’s you know not only that she’s ready, but rather that she’s ready for more.   Yes she can.  Get it!  NSFW.

4.  Cheetah Girls, Adrienne Bailon

Which brings us back to our girl.  Now I must admit, I hadn’t thought about this babe, who I used to just call “the white one” since her 3LW days.

Back in those days, I pretty much had no use for these chicks, because let’s face it, they were a fairly cheap and transparent attempt at TLC Part 2.

Though I must say, I did appreciate beating up on Brock and all other comers when I used them in NBA Jams 2 or was that Street Ball, sheeeeit, I don’t know.  Does it matter?  I won…always.  Anyway, I must say, a couple J implants and about 7 years later, Adrienne is looking juuuust about right and my man Rico Suave 2.0 has taken early notice.

And ole boy, Rob Kardashian, Kim’s lil brother, knows it.  Respek.  Baby girl is looking right, but I need my second angle my nilla.

Not bad… not bad at all my nillz.  But I must ask, can anyone explain or defend that ultra widow’s peak atop young Robert’s dome piece?  Ha.  And that wild pencil thin zorro mustache?  Jeez.  Is this cat serious?  Player, pleez, hit up the smooth YT baldy, nobody will know any better.  Hmm, now back to that black dress.  I’m thinking ole girl is more arch than she is thick, but I still like what I’m seeing.

One thing is for sure, I never quite understood why they named her group “The Cheetah Girls” but after seeing these pics, ahem, I get it…

Completely.  And yes, those more aggressive joints are not here, but RIGHT HERE!!!!

– Lake

Top Ten Hollywood Breasts List…YES!

Hey, I didn’t come up with this list but I’m happy to discuss it. You know, as I look down at this InTouch Weekly “Best Hollywood Tits” list, I’m actually kind of embarrassed that I know all these broads. Ahh, who am I kidding, let’s get going on this here list. Now remember, this is the list according to InTouch Weekly.. Not us. But we have plenty to say.

1. Jessica Simpson

Yep, the top titty goes to Jessica Simpson. Wouldn’t have been my choice, but I can live with it.

After all, even her pops said that her ridiculous J’s were top notch.

Now you know you’ve got some serious tittay when pops is peeping them on the slide.

2. Tyra Banks

Say what? Now I know Tyra’s got giant J’s, but does she really belong inside the top three of ALL the breast tah sis in Hollywood?

Sure, her fundamentals are sound and she used to have the rest of the body to go with it. But this is a current J list, not a historical retrospective. The classic Janet song “What Have You Done For Me Lately” seems to come to mind. Answer?

Not enough. Not even close.

3. Scarlett Johansson

Ummmm, HELL YES!!! I’m not sure how it’s possible, but I think this chick is underrated across the board. Maybe it’s the lack of a nude photo shoot and sex tape. Hopefully someone can remedy that. But on the boobs front, she’s LOVELY.

Gotta run that one more gin.

4. Carmen Electra

Huh? Is she even in show business anymore? Why not Pamela Anderson? Hell, Loni Anderson.

And maybe it’s just me, but shouldn’t there be a reasonable expectation that the boobs are actually real if you’re going to call them the 4th best set in all of Hollywood? At least pic a chick with a debate, like Kimmy K…. With Carmen, she’ll tell you her joints are fake. Nah, I can’t support that.

5. Lindsay Lohan

Again, anyone who knows this blog understands my affection for Lindsay Lohan.

She’s one of my favorite celebs and yes, those ridiculous J’s have something to do with it.

On the J front, Lindsay has it all and we’ve seen it all.

You can’t hate, not on this discussion. Definitely underrated and waaaaay under appreciated. Her breasts I mean…lol.

6. Katherine Heigl

I recognize that this near no talent chick would be nothing without the superior boobs, but I just don’t like this broad.

That’s right, I don’t like her, can’t stand that character “Izzy” or whatever it is on Grey’s Anatomy and just can’t get past all the bullshit, yes, even for a pair of advanced J’s like those.

She doesn’t even make my list. Terrible. Though she does look reaaaaaally good in this next pic.

Mercy!

7. Audrina Patridge

Whaaat? You don’t mean to tell me we all feel for that completely transparent “I did some nudes back in the day and now they will be released the day before my show so please make me a star” treatment?

You bet we did. And please note how much she has truly stepped up that belly game. Wow. This babe is everywhere right now. If she had a shred of talent she’d really have something too. Though, I must say, having the nude pictures of her to refer back to whenever I see her looking right in a magazine or online is a nice luxury.

8. Jennifer Aniston

Come on now. Jennifer aint been hot since Ross was hittin’. Again, just too old, too romantic comedy. It’s just not right. Sure she’s got some J’s (NSFW), she wouldn’t be in the business if she didn’t.

But come on. She does not have some of the best tits in all of Hollywood. But these NSFW of Aniston are worth a peep. Half the time she doesn’t even have the best tits in her own relationship. She’s literally not in the same conversation with these other babes. Horrible.

9. Megan Fox

Ah, I don’t buy it. This seems very political. I do like that she stands for the fact that a chick doesn’t have to have monster boobs for them to be sexy, but this chick is not a top flight titty talent.

I mean, come on. She doesn’t have the chops and never will until she orders that full upgrade. Right? She’s got average J’s just for a regular girl, but in Hollywood, she’s squarely below average. Hell, most of the regular women walk around with better ones than that. Not even close.

10. Beyonce

Huh? Did I miss something? I don’t know, maybe B’s tittays wrote the lyrics to “Upgrade”…wait no, that was Jay Z. Curses. I hate to do this because I like Beyonce a lot. But she has no damn business on this list.

I think she’s beautiful, but if you forced me to diss her, right after I spoke on that assortment of unacceptable weaves, I’d go right to the breasts. I mean, she’s keeping it real and natural as she should and she looks damn good chest and all.

So there you have it. Are you satisfied? I’m not. I mean, where was Kim Kardashian, Halle Berry, JESSICA BIEL, hell, Mel B., Gisele….I mean, the list goes on and on. Sorry, I can’t endorse this list period. Let me give you my list.

1. Lindsay Lohan

2. Scarlett Johansson

3. Jessica Simpson

4. Kim Kardashian

5. Salma Hayek

6. Jessica Biel

7. Katherine Heigl (what can I say, that pic is still in my head)

8. Halle Berry

9. Mel B.

10. Audrina Patridge (hey, she’s already been mentioned, what could I do?)

Honorable mention: Serena Williams (don’t sleep)

Then I have to add a section for best fake boobs in the business. Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Tila Tequila, Pam Anderson and Heidi Montage.

Damn, after all that, even I’ve grown tired of tittays. I must be getting really old.

– Lake

Reason #22 Why Fake Boobs Suck: XTina

Dead up, I hate the fake J game. I actually find it fairly insulting. The ONLY time a fake J upgrade is really appreciated is when a babe is rocking a sweater and even then they’re running around calling the real top shelf keeper of the superior J’s in question.

(And yes I did slap a Triple B inspired asterisk on this chick based on the comments section.  It really is just like steroids.  It’s cheating and I won’t stand for it!)

See what I mean? Just nasty.  I think baby girl needs an adjustment like a dude with a bad rug. Them tittays don’t match anymore. And this chick has a damn child. I know he’s even more pissed than me. Ok, ok, I’d be lying if I said they NEVER look good:

Dayum.. silky smooth and powerful like a Kobe Bean three ball. But see hers are all set up by the great midsection and nearly non-existent suit. I’m not sure about the rest of the fellas, but I break for the hip bone on the silky smooth stomach piece. I don’t know, maybe it’s just trashy babes who have always been trash are just going to be super trashy with the enhanced cans. I mean, it’s not like Aguilera was ever a high end babe.

She’s been going with the “look at me, my legs are open and I’m a slizzut” from the beginning. It’s pretty sad actually because she can really sing well. Oh well. If there is one thing I’ve learned over my years of running babes it’s that hoe-dom knows no profession, skill set or socio-economic class. I think it’s innate.

Classy…

Ass B (like, “Yo I’m Cuban B”)? Ladies, if you’ve literally got nothing going for you and you just need a boost, enhance away. Just know that you add a minimum of 4 points to you skank score and yes, it’s a 10 point scale. If you’re a pretty girl, have a decent or even passable chest piece or bring that mini/medium/make me wonder level thunder, just smooth it out. You don’t need it.

I know, I know…I feel the same way about your plastics canz baby…it’s mutual.

– Lake

I told Brock this chick wasn’t right

And I told yall that Christina Aguilera’s baby aint gonna be right if he’s drinking from these silicone mountains.

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That stage right breast piece aint sittin right. Ladies out there considering throwing some D’s on it or even throwing some C’s… just take note that this is not the kind of freak we’re looking for. Someone call social services to ensure that baby aint sippin on her HGH globes.

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Just another reason to say “Go Red Sox..”

– Lake

————–UPDATE——————-

Awwwww damn!  I thought that was all baby love in there.  That blue veined look is never hot.  I mean that right J looks like it is from a small town called left tittay and it’s feeling homesick.

-Brock

Have You Seen These?

I know the woman just had a child, but Xtina Aguilera is really killing cats right now. With normal chicks, I’d say this heat was unintentional, but Ms. Dirty knows exactly what she’s doing.

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I mean this J game is stupid right now. Do you see the unintentional side boob she’s working with? I mean this picture should always be shown whenever someone utters the words “you can’t stop ‘em, you can only hope to contain ‘em.”

Jesus.

-Brock

=====================UPDATE===================

With all due respect and yes, I have seen those ridiculous J’s and just wondered “where the fuck is bay bay?” (and if you didn’t get that, you weren’t meant to get it, so F U, ha!), but let’s keep it real here. Xtina has been on the silicone HGH for years. She’s alright but she’s not real. And a house built on a saline foundation, cannot stand united…or something like that. Hey, them titties is fake and I don’t care if Mother Nature threw some full E’s on it, ‘cuz we all know that Dr. 90210 had been put some Double D’s on it.

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You know who I feel bad for: The children. After all, can you even fathom the complications associated with some titties full of milk and silicone? Talk about a fucked up cocktail. If the J’s leak into women’s bodies, who’s to say they won’t leak up into the baby’s drank? Horrible.

– Lake

Christina Aguilera is a classy gal

Christina Aquilera has always just struck me as such a waste. She’s got great talent, good looks, I mean, the chick should really have it all. Too bad talent doesn’t come packaged with good sense.

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Just why? I know, I know, motherhood is beautiful. Sure it is, but check out that look in her eye. We aren’t talking bonding with your baby beauty, we’re talking, I still like to take it up the arse, I’m looking at the camera man’s package right now beautiful. Personally, I don’t like these, “I’m knocked up, but I’m sexy in a different way” pictorials. Demi was provocative, Britney’s was annoying and this is just f*cking unacceptable!! Jeez. You’d think this would be enough to satisfy her “I’m slutty and empowered” jones.

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(See, no difference and you know you can’t play that guitar)

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Why would I want to see a pregnant woman, weaved out of her mind with nothing but ice, stripper tanning lotion and some Christian Louboutin (I said it) kicks on? I know, I know, this is a women’s magazine, right, then why is she starring down the camera like she just got her Monica Lewinsky on in her trailer park with a striking stage hand? Nothing this chick does is for women. She may not be a ho, but as Chris Rock says, she wears the hoe’s uniform..namely, NADA and heels.

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(You know you hit with heels on, that aint yo’ hair and you’re NOT Spanish!)

Come on. Isn’t anything sacred? Can’t you just not be a Hollyweird freakazoid for 6 months of your life? After the kid comes, then you can just hand it off to the nanny, hit the gym, club, all your background dancers (in that order please) and just go back to your normal life (ie fucking for tracks). But I think the rest of us deserve not to have to see your pregnant ass, enhanced cans, scraggly weave, and soon to be stretched out baby maker (see below) plastered all over our newsstands.

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(NSFW joints here.. terrible dude.)

Doesn’t the fact that you’re 7 months pregnant mean anything to you? Doesn’t ANYTHING change about what you do, who you roll with, HOW you roll?

Is it too much to ask for this chick to wear draws?

I just feel like Britney hooked this chick up with the “what not to do” play book, but just like a lemming, she’s doing it all. It’s just terrible. Cover that damn thing up. Prepare for motherhood. Stop saying you’re Latino and stop denying that you’ve been knifed up and mamillarily enhanced and put some damn clothes on.. Literally, FOR THE CHILDREN. Awful.

I can’t lie though, when you hit juuust the right angle, with juuuust the right amount of airbrush, she’s dirty white girl freaky trailer park sexy.

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I admit it.

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Hmmm, I think she might have Lauren London beat. On second thought, I retract everything I said above. Keep on doing what you do mama.

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Nice.

– Lake the Hate(r)