Ode To Christina Aguilera: It Coulda Been Worse

Christina Aguilera caught a lot of heat this week for her rendition of the National Anthem at the Superbowl this weekend.  Sure, it was a classic song on a huge stage and she blew a line on a classic song that everyone knows until they have to sing it out loud in front of 100 Million people.  Lake laid out our position on it.  At least she held the melody though.  Let me tell you, that was nothing compared to some of the crimes that have been committed against our musical symbol of American pride.

Cuba Gooding Sr.

You gotta love that “test” he thought he needed after “thank you” came out just fine.  My man really thinks he nailed it at the end.  It went just the way he wanted it to.  In his mind, he was like “I just kilt that right there.”  And here I was thinking Cuba Jr. was the most random dude in that family.

I don’t know who this dude is, but he keeps his Anthem methodical and really goes for it at the end.  Why do people feel like they have to jazz up the National Anthem?  Just sing the song. It works just fine.

When people hit those last two lines, they just lose their minds.

Let’s not forget the classics, Rosanne Barr.

That went down in 1990.  I wonder if she knew she would be offending people from the future when she dropped that.

My personal favorite has to be the classic Carl Lewis.  Clipped but still great.  You’ve got to love that Carl does his own commentary as he is singing. That “Uh-Oh” is him critiquing himself.

But Lake found the ultimate.  I’ve never seen anything this bad.  First he starts before he gets himself comfortable on the mic, then he checks the lyrics ON THE FIRST LINE.  Where did this dude go to elementary school? Canada?  It really is amazing.

At least he knows the tune…kinda.  After all that, after butchering that song ALL THE WAY THROUGH, knowing that joint was not right, he STILL went for it on “Star Spangled Banner Yet Wave” line.

COP DOWN!

Someone tell Christina to visit UvT if she ever needs a pick me up.

-Brock

Yatch Please: Christina Aguilera Dishonors America at Superbowl

Everybody knows I’m no super patriotic cat.  The teabagger crew and their infinite ignorance pretty much destroyed that.

Still, I don’t want cats taking our few shinning moments, the times when we can come together as a nation for our putative national holiday, THE SUPERBOWL, and mess that up.

Ha.  Don’t worry, they got the very positive Black Eyed Peas to rock that half time show.  And aside from Will.I.Am’s electronic shag with the bluetooth/star trek part, the joint went well.

But I knew we’d be in trouble when they commissioned the sorta rican, Briney Spears Jr. Jr. B teamer, Christina Aguilera to do the anthem.

Look, in short, baby girl disrespected George Washington, Abe Lincoln, Barack Obama and Baby Jesus hisself with that God-awful rendition of the National Anthem at the Superbowl.  Peep it.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVeCQ2BYCms

Come on player… You’re going to forget the words during THAT song at THAT moment when EVERYBODY is watching?  And worst yet, you didn’t just forget the words, you got all confused and turned around on D like Carl Lewis…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJLvCM4j2mg

(AHHHNT, back to Xtina, that Carl shit is soooo off key and sooo terrible, it doesn’t even deserve any more mention).

First off, Christina is terrible as a general matter and I never liked her to begin with. This is a babe that should have just left good enough alone with the well above average voice. But no, that wasn‘t good enough. She had to be a sex symbol.

Then she had to do her best “Livin La Vida Loca“ latin shuffle and try to act as though she was down with “la raza” and had been chompin’ on arroz con pollo all along.

Look, I did a summer abroad in Espana, ok? That and those 8 tacos I ate last week di-rec-itally after reading Brock‘s post on those 80% beef having tacos from Outside the Bun makes me more Lar-tino than her white (lack of an) ass!  Then her music is just terrible. She over sings everything, including anthems apparently. That’s why she never has any appearances on any rap songs. Cats don‘t want to be waiting all day long for you to finish that 6 bar hook.

So when I saw they picked her for the Superbowl anthem, I knew it would be terrible. I knew we’d open the song with an 8 note riff on the “Ohhhhhhh Say” part. I knew she’d try all kinds of silly runs, riiight around the “see”…and I knew she’d neglect the middle, en route to some ill-conceived, bullshit b flat version of the only good part of the song..THE END!

“Oh say does that star spangled, banner yet waaave…Or da land, of da freeee-EEEEEEEE”

I mean, we all want to go HAM on that “EEEEEEE” part. I get it. That’s the patriotic version of the Jodeci build up we all live for. Been there, done that. But dog, you can’t just go all Naked Gun on the joint and skip lines. In fact, Enrico Pallazo’s joint was better than Xtina’s. Peep it.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hyCc1DzRAgQ

LOL, now that’s classic.

In the end, her shit was what we thought it would be. Not hot, full of bullshit runs that did nothing for anyone and then she forgot words to a song that should take about 90 seconds to complete. Honestly, the whole affair is a metaphor for her entire career: not hot with a bunch of extra fluff that nobody wants or needs.

\

And though I know that she’s a mother now, is it too much to ask for her not to look like someone’s moms out there?

Baby girl looked a mess in that respek-able suit piece. A total and complete fail.

Me, I’d rather she just kept sh*t real and done the Roscoe Dash version of the Anthem. How hot would that have been? I could see it now, Roscoe would hook up all the dope ad libs with a plethora of “they do” and “go, go”….. Right? And for real, who among us didn’t want to see her literally drop it to da flo’ and do her duty for Amurica with  no hands?

Am I right or am I right?

– Lake