Jason Collins Comes Out of the Closet…And He’s Bringing His Brother With Him!

So Jason Collins is being hailed as the first gay athlete in major sports after he publicly came out in Sports Illustrated magazine. I don’t think I’ve actually heard anyone call him the “gay Jackie Robinson” yet. [Read more…]

Chris Bosh In A Nutshell

Chris Bosh decided to do a little performance art to summarize his status here at UvT. It is an amazing piece of work. He summarizes himself in a mere 20 seconds. It is a silent expression of himself and everything he has to offer.

Wait, I must let the art speak for itself.

Brilliant.

-Brock

——————-UPDATE——————

Violation of a prohibition on Hate Speech? Really Youtube? Because someone tagged it “gay”?

—————–UPDATE to the UPDATE——————-

Can’t be stopped bitches! New link up top!

The Heat Are Drowning Their Sorrows in Their Own Tears

The Miami Heat are having three different seasons down in South Beach. At the beginning they weren’t quite living up to everyone’s expectations.  Then they beat the hell out of Cleveland and went on a crazy win streak. Now they are on a five game losing streak and crying.

Anyone who has been following sports has heard about crying in sports over and over again for the last 48 hours, so I won’t bore you. But there is a crisis in Miami. They just lost their fifth straight game to the freaking Blazers who are missing 2 of their best players.  Forget whether they have heart, or if the care about the games, or if they have the right chemistry. These dudes can’t win games right now. It really just boils down to the fact that Lebron and Wade are made to wear the white hats.  They were built to be good guys. They tried on the black hats and couldn’t handle it.

I have a feeling this picture is destined to be a UvT Classic. Bron and Wade see a fail tail, the response to every come on bruh ever, See no evil, “The Heat are even bad at hide and seek”…I’ve got jokes for this all day.

Awwww, now see, with all these white hat and black hat references, Chris Bosh was feeling left out.

Fine Chris, you can wear your brown hat…and leather vest…if it makes you feel like a part of the discussion I guess that is fine. It isn’t getting you off of Team Them though. In fact, it makes it worse.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Chris Bosh Part II…The Video

We covered Chris Bosh and the Miami Heat last year back in September.  Back then, things were terrible.  The Heat couldn’t get it together.  They were talking about Pat Riley bringing himself back to coach.  They were wondering if the Heat made the right moves.  The Big 3 couldn’t find a way to play together.  It was bad.  Then the Heat went on a win streak.  They destroyed the Cavaliers so badly, Cleveland still has not recovered yet.  You know who still needs to find his way?

Chris Bosh.

Bosh decided to do a photoshoot for Maxim magazine.  First of all, I don’t know too many dudes who break out the Maxim photoshoot.  When I buy a Maxim Magazine, I’m looking for something more like this.

Chris Bosh thought it was a good idea to pose for Maxim and even worse, he thought it was a good idea to let them film a video of it.

There is so much terrible there, I’m going to go ahead and assume that you didn’t make it to then end.  I’ve finally figured Bosh out.  He has no idea what he looks like when he does things.  Like, if you are going to bite an apple during a photoshoot…don’t shove it so far in your mouth.  In fact, don’t shove anything that far into your mouth.  His attempted sexy look over the sunglasses looked more like a Men on Film moment.

His thugged out sneer looks more confused than tough.  Then it really goes downhill.  Bosh starts breaking out 1980’s Krush Groove quality arm crossing poses in the b-boy stance.  AHNT.  He throws a hand on his hip like he is a supermodel.  Then at the end they end up with Bosh in a pool with a wife beater and some man capris.  What makes it worse is that he is splashing around in the water like he is afraid to get wet.

Could he possibly look more awkward?  And these are the pictures and the video that made the final cut.  How many questionable pictures ended up on the cutting room floor?

This is awful and Chris is heading in the wrong direction.  Chris Bosh, Man Up and stay your ass at home.  We don’t need it.  Go to the arena, hoop, and go back home.  It is the safest route at this point and you clearly can’t be entrusted to manage your own public image.

Now that I know they film behind the scenes videos of this kind of shoot, there is only one thing I want now.

I hope Kobe had the sense to ask them to turn the cameras on the second he donned that white Amish get up.  Otherwise, if the All White everything tape hits the internet it will be a sex tape level scandal.  I’m thinking Kobe might have personally destroyed any other record of this photoshoot taking place.  Lucky for him, I copied them all to my hard drive so these pictures can live on forever.

Chris Bosh.  Man Up.  Please.

-Brock

—————–UPDATE———————

I think I figured out what happened.  When Chris Bosh was in 8th Grade he saw the movie Big and went to an arcade to seek out a fortune teller machine.  He told the fortune teller that he wanted to be a popular athlete.  It actually worked.  Chris Bosh is that awkward kid in your class that actually became a 7 foot tall monster.  He’s a kid trapped in a man’s body.

That is why he lets other people dress him, that is why he makes all those awkward faces, that is why his sexy ain’t so sexy.

———————-UPDATE 2———————–

Check this bomb Kevin Durant dropped on Chris Bosh last night.

“There’s a lot of fake tough guys in this league and he’s one of them”

UvT is right on time!  Chris Bosh, it is time to Man UP for real!

Man Up Monday: Chris Bosh

The Miami Heat got a lot of attention this summer.  They brought in LeBron James…he got his own hour long train wreck show on ESPN.  Dwayne Wade got the entire city of Miami calling itself “Wade County” instead of Dade County.  But there was one other man involved in the trade who has not been getting much attention, Chris Bosh.

I’m not gonna lie, the dude played in Toronto and I’ve never actually seen him play.  I don’ t know if I’ve watched a Raptors game since the Vince Carter & Tracy McGrady days.  So Chris Bosh is just like Babe Ruth to me…everyone says he is great, but I’ve never seen him play.  So here at Us Versus Them, we are ready to give Chris Bosh some well deserved shine as the third member of the Big 3.

So Chris Bosh has been in exile in the great white north for the last few years.  He is a career 20-10 guy who was exposed to a whole different culture and environment in Toronto.

Uhhh, Okay.  Maybe he was exposed to a lot of other things too.  Back to the point.  So Bosh is a Power Forward who should bring a lot of stability to the Miami Heat front line.  With Wade and LeBron out on the perimeter, there are going to be a lot of opportunities for Bosh to get single coverage on the blocks.  He might be the difference between the Heat being good and being great.  He’s even enjoyed some big changes in his personal life.  He just got engaged to his girlfriend and is having a really relaxing summer.

Is that linen?  And why is his the tail of his belt wrapping all the way around to his back like he is some 8 year old kid in a hand me down?  He’s so tall that when he looks at his girl, he can’t see anything but the top of her head and her J’s.  Seriously, what the hell is going on with Chris Bosh.  These must be old pictures.  He can’t possibly think this is a reasonable way to to through life.  Maybe he was just caught in a fashion faux pas or two, but now he’s on the big stage.  He has access to Miami and all the culture and fashion available to him.  Just like LeBron going from T.G.I.Friday’s to Prime 112, Chris Bosh is going to go from assless chaps and leaning polos to custom suits and gingham checks. Maybe he can even go shopping with LeBron. See, here we go.  He even went to Fashion Week in NY.  I told you he had it all figured out.

Is this dude serious?  He’s gonna go ahead and go with the nut crush leg cross, pant cuff combo?  I’m pretty sure 6’10” cats don’t find too many pairs of jeans that are too long so he just wanted to show off his mean striped sock game.  Can we get a closer look here?

Nah bruh.  It is already too late.  You can’t cover up the leg cross, golf clap, pursed lip combo by putting your hand on your girls leg now.  Nah playa.  I don’t usually go to the literal Man Up in this section but good lawd if there was ever a time for it, the time is now.  Antoine Dodson’s perm thinks you should hide yo kids, hide yo wife and hide yo husbands, cause Chris Bosh needs to Man Up.  Tyler Perry thinks Bosh might need to add a little bass in his voice.  Raz B thinks he might have a secret to keep.  Chris Bosh, the rumors are starting to fly.  You might need to really start the season strong by banging in the paint.  Pause. I mean you really need to box out and put a body on guys in the front court.  No homo. I mean the best position Bosh can take is to establish himself as the biggest man on the court…dammit, I can’t do this.  Chris Bosh…Man UP!

-Brock

Triple B Goes In On The LeBron James Debate

@Be You and me are eye to eye on this one but I’m gonna go a little bit harder

I had this “Lebron is gonna be playing in D-Wade’s shadow” argument for 4 hours last night and i realized that the only ones spouting this gahbage were Knicks fans. I’ll explain why Lebron’s decision cuts sooooo deeply for Knicks later but first let’s talk about that Cleveland move.

Let’s be honest, the Cavs are losers with a losing tradition. That may sound redundant at first but think about it. Cleveland knows one thing, and that’s loss. They know how to lose to the 49er’s they know how to lose a pennant race. They know Shawn Kemp. They actually love losing. Why? cause it’s familiar. Every Cavs fan has said the same thing for the past 4 years. “Hey they made a good run. Next year is our year”. Cleveland welcomes loss like an old friend coming around at Christmas time. The Cavs have had 7 years to build a team around Lebron but they’ve failed. As they fail in all other facets of the game; style, management, coaching and personnel. I mean the best answer they could come with for “what do we do when Lebron is double-teamed?” is Delante (I’m doin ya mom’s) West. LBJ has been carrying 4 players on his back plus Mike Brown for too long. And for all that work the Cavs still have the same championship record as the Wizards. Resign with that mess…….please?! As Admiral Ackbar says:

Moving along…… The Knickerbockers! Knicks fan took this to heart and they should. They’re not really mad at Lebron thoough. I know they gutted the team to make room for him. They wooed him with tales of “This will be your city” and “This will be your team” and “we got Amare Stoudamire aka New Allen Houston”. Hell they even made a promo with the damn mayor in it! But still Lebron denied them! The Knicks fans know what that really means is…… top talent is actively avoiding their squad. That’s what’s really killin em! C’mon Knicks fans! NY is the blackhole of the NBA. They suck players in and take their best years leaving them with nothing to show it but injuries, age, and a cheap trade to a high profile team late in their career. Plus there’s nothing but foolishness going on on the management level. Reference one Isiah Thomas. The Knickerbockers are quickly approaching Wizards status. I know it, Lebron knows it, Knicks fans know it and Admiral Ackbar knows it. Tell em Acky:

So he went to the Heat. How is this a bad move? Do you really think that he will be playing in Dwayne Wade’s Shadow?! Lebron is too big a talent and a star to be overshadowed by anyone! You think I’m crazy? THEY USE BIBLICAL REFERENCES TO TALK ABOUT THIS MAN! I’m gonna let you think about that for a bit………………………….. Ok? good. In fact as far as the NBA is concerned Lebon IS the Second Coming (no offense to Mr. J) and with this move to Miami he just picked up some Apostles. And you know that D-Wade at the top of the key with King James slashing is gonna produce some of the nastiest highlight reels since Dominique!! Whoever says they’re not gonna watch the first Heat game…… I’m callin em a damn liar!

Lebron you did the right thing. Now go out there and bring the championship back to the East. And don’t listen to these HATERS (in the purest sense of the slang) telling you that it will always be D-Wade’s house cuz, well one more time for the cheap seats Double A!

-Triple B

Man Up Monday: NBA Free Agents

Usually no one cares about the NBA during the off season.  The Finals end, the draft lets you know where all the young kids are going, and you can hang it up until the season starts in the Fall.  This season it is a little different.

King James is on the street along with Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh, Amare’ Staudemire, Dirk Novitzki, Joe Johnson, Paul Pierce, and potentially folks like Carmelo Anthony and Chris Paul.  There is an entire all star team of players that might end up in another city next year.  It is like NBA Live ’98 on the playstation where my girl would run that custom all star team of Jordan, Jordan, Jordan, Jordan, and Jordan.  There are a few teams that can actually pick up two of these players and instantly have a team that can contend.  The whole NBA might look different next year.  Dwayne Wade, LeBron and Chris Bosh all met together to see if they might be able to work things out somewhere.  Take a little less money to try to create a dynasty.

Now we all know these guys are all going to get “max” money but there are tiers to how good they are.  LeBron is clearly the prize of the group.  He has billionaires begging him to come, entire cities shutting down and making turrible songs to woo him to their team, and he can instantly make your team better, or as Cleveland may soon find out, him leaving your team will make you a lot worse.  Dwayne Wade is arguably tier 1A, because he is a certified star and a winner.  He will lead your team, make it better and can win games on his own.  Bosh, Pierce, Novitzki, and Staudemire are second tier top guys.  They will have an impact, but if you get two of the people on that second list, you are not guaranteed to make a real run at a title.  Hell, if Cleveland added Novitzki I don’t think they would be automatic contenders out of the East.  Which brings us to Joe Johnson and today’s Man Up Monday.

The Atlanta Hawks are about to guarantee another decade of mediocrity by giving Joe Johnson a six year max deal!  With all this heat on the streets, you are gonna max out Joe freakin Johnson?  Didn’t show up in the playoffs Joe Johnson?  Pretty good but not that good Joe Johnson?  In the NBA one Joe Johnson signs he never has to play another day and he will still make all of that money.  I don’t see Joe Johnson going all out to lead the Hawks to the playoffs.  Atlanta Man UP!

Meanwhile, while the entire NBA could have shifted this summer, everyone is staying home.  Dirk is rumored to be staying in Dallas.  Joe is staying in Atlanta.  Paul Pierce is staying in Boston.  Wade is most likely staying in Miami, the Knicks are still gonna suck, everything is the same.

I’m ready to see some action!  These free agents need to do something unexpected, make a new superteam like the Boston Celtics or the LA Lakers.  LeBron and Bosh should go to Miami, or Wade and LeBron should go to Chicago. It would at least make things interesting.  Otherwise, we are gonna be looking at Kobe Bryant holding that Trophy again in 2011 and listening to Ron Artest’s new single “2 Rings”.

We don’t really want that, do we?

-Brock