Introducing the Brooklyn Nets and the Brooklynettes…Get It? Brooklyn…nettes?

Now that the NBA season is approaching, now that the Brooklyn Nets finally have their stadium, now that information is starting to leak about the Nets,now that I’ve given them every chance to change their minds along the way, it’s finally time to confront the facts about the Brooklyn Nets.

I know Jay-Z owns some ridiculously small percentage of the Brooklyn Nets…I also know it is still expensive to own 1% of an NBA basketball franchise, but the Nets have basically hitched their whole identity to Brooklyn. Not even the real version of Brooklyn, that caricature “Brooklawn son version of Brooklyn. The black and white jerseys that are brand new but somehow already look like Mitchell & Ness throwback jerseys, and t-shirts that look like they were designed by someone who really loves him some Spike Lee joints. I mean look at this thing.

Shoes hanging from power lines? The first team t-shirt refers to something that may or may not be an underground drug turf marker? Next season they will be debuting shirts built around a giant slice of pizza, Junior’s Cheesecake, a taxi cab and thinking New York is the center of the universe. I hear the snack servers inside are going to ask you if you want peanuts, and when you say yes, they aren’t going to give you the peanuts. They’re just going to look at you and say GET DA FUKK OUTTA HEAH! No snack sales. All in the name of keepin it real. They are pandering to these people.

Who ever is in charge of the design for the Brooklyn Nets is either really excited they have a completely blank palette, or they just want to see how much shit they can get away with before someone stops them. I can just hear the marketing meetings. When your owner is a Russian Billionaire, it is probably easy to sell the stereotypical version of New York. “More Brooklyn Bridge, ya? Is good. Very New York.”

All that is bad, but they completely lost it on the cheerleader uniforms.

You have to appreciate the streetwalker motif. Here’s to hoping the boots actually make the final cut. Short shorts? Two kinds of short shorts? Is that a half glove I see? Let’s break em down one by one?

Look 1: Short shorts, natch. But they also invented a completely new form of clothing.

The bikini top hoodie? That doesn’t actually exist anywhere else in nature. Is that for when you’re cold but still REALLY like the idea of being naked? Or when you want to be cute, but still want to make sure people know you’re from the skreets? I think the latter…

Look 2: Standard cheerleader.

These look pretty standard from this angle, but if you go back up and look at the top picture, you will see that they’ve cleverly replaced the second “O” in Brooklyn…with boobs. So this will now be referred to as the “BroOOklyn” version: Inspired by Hooters. Also, they are wearing walking shoes usually reserved for old people walking through malls.

Look 3: Replacement Ref

Do you know the only thing worse than striped pants?

Striped pants that are only striped on the front. Yup. Like a referee ninja. If you make a bad call, you just turn around..and disappear.

Finally, to make sure the Nets are pulling out all the stops here, they also went with the worst, most unsexy idea in all of basketball, the dunking cheerleader.

No one wants that. If it is your fetish (and I’m sure it is someone’s fetish), please explain why.  Because she is clearly cute if she was simply standing on solid ground. Flying through the air isn’t helping…although the more I look, the way she’s biting her bottom lip kinda…No dunking cheerleaders are not sexy,  FINAL ANSWER.


The Buffalo Jills Get Loose in Baghdad

I’m down with professional cheerleaders, I really am.  Sure, the college version of the cheerleader is a fundamentally superior example of the species.


Sure, they always look better from section 205, or in those quick, low angle cuts you get when you are watching a game, then they do when you actually get up close…but they are a part of Americana dammit and they deserve to be here.  So the Buffalo Jills (get it, Buffalo Bills, Jills, Bills?  AHNT.)  Are doing their part to cheer up the soldiers in the Middle East.


I’m sure these are classy, classy ladies, and I’m sure the troops appreciate it.  Here’s the great part.  While they were in Baghdad, they dropped by a hotel Saddam Hussain used to hit back in the day and dropped this gem.

Buffalo Bills Cheerleaders at JVB Hotel in Baghdad

Oh the irony.

Look, I’m sure Saddam used to get loose up in this exact same suite.  I’m sure there have been ladies all up and through this spot with Saddam popping bottles.  But I’m also pretty sure this is precisely what Saddam was fighting against.  Chicks in tights dropping splits in the heart of Baghdad.  The chick in the back popping that thing on the couch.  What the hell is going on here?  Who thought this picture was a good idea?  Is this standard cheerleader posing?  When a camera pops out do these chicks just hit the floor?  This is crazy.  I know this hotel is in the “victory” zone or whatever they call it, but this is in the heart of a country where women barely go outside without full loose-fitting gear.  I guess they should just be happy they aren’t rocking the hot pants.

Well, Amurica can’t be stopped.  We’ve got to share the best of what we have with the world.  If anyone has a problem with these pictures, we’ll just tell them it wasn’t taken in Baghdad, we can say it was taken at one of Donald Trump’s houses.


Dunking Dancers: Good or Terrible?

Lake and I were talking about pro cheerleaders today and decided that the College cheerleader is the superior specimen.  The pro cheerleader tends to be the dance team chick, not the cheerleading chick.

But then I found this subcategory of the cheerleader.

The Dunking Dancer:

That is the least sexy picture of a woman holding two balls with her legs spread open that I’ve ever seen.  Gotta love the heart though.  She’s going hard.

Now this one here is actually sexy.  From the chick on high to that four deep stack of babes she’s jumping over.  I like it.

She’s going for the money shot right there.  I’m going to go ahead and say she misses this dunk too.  I’m talking no chance.  That right hand is reaching for hope and promise that will never arrive.  How long before one of these chicks bangs her face on the rim or blows out a knee?

The Orlando Magic does it too?

OHHHH!  That ain’t right.  That is the chick that thinks she’s giving it her all, but is just giving a little more than anyone wants.  She’s the chick that is cute trying to shotgun the beer the first time, but then she keeps going and actually does it, then she’s just the drunk chick that is too much like one of the fellas.  The face with the Karl Malone Hand behind the head?  That is awful.

I’ve got it scored 2-2 in the battle of good vs. terrible on the Dunking dancers.  What’s the verdict?  Hot or Not?


Hut 1, Hut 2, Hiiiiiooowww you doin’?

Where was this when I was in high school?  There is a high school up in Canada where the cheerleaders has a tradition of streaking one football game a season rocking nothing but masks, hats and draws.

I mean both teams and the refs look shook on that one.  The players have to love it.  But let me tell you, there is nothing worse than a gaggle of jailbait running around half a buck naked when you are above the age of consent.  You can’t look…at least not too hard.  Don’t want to get caught checking out the young tenders.  You can’t not look.  For the same reason.  There are young tenders running about.

Seriously though.  Why does this type of stuff always happen “somewhere else”.  When I was in high school, I always thought it was going to happen in college.  In college, it is always happening at some other college.  Now that I’m out…got dammit it IS happening at my college. What the hell is going on?

Oiled up hoes in bikinis and shit.  What the hell is that?

I guess these ladies in the video had to sit out the next home game, but they really don’t give a damn.  They are the heroes of the school for the week.  They are celebrities.  There is a video on youtube, they got interviewed by the local news.  And I’m sure there are some embarrassing photos on facebook that will embarrass them all in 15 years.  They even got covered here at UvT.

Bravo ladies.  The interns will be contacting you to see if you want to reprise your performance here in Us Versus Them HQ.  I promise not to watch…too hard.