Ridin Dirty: Lance Armstrong is on that juice!

I love when athletes are forced to make confessions. It’s one of the most ridiculous moments in all of sports. Has anyone who has EVER been accused of taking steroids been clean? One person? Ever? Has “I don’t know what was in that supplement” ever worked? I know Carl Lewis is glad he ran back in the days of hightop fades and no internet because I’m sure he would not make it in the modern era. But Lance really takes the cake.

You know what the Lance Armstrong “confession” showed me? That, whether you are on the juice or not, there is a certain attitude it takes to be the best in the world at something. To be so competitive that you will put yourself through the hardest race on the planet and win it SEVEN times, while lying, and rotating dirty blood with clean blood and all the crazy stuff Lance had to do to always pass his drug tests and deny it for over ten years is that YOU CAN’T TURN IT OFF. That dude is an asshole. He convinced himself that because of his recovery from his cancer that he was just leveling the playing field by taking drugs. We always talk about how special you have to be to be a Michael Jordan, a Tiger Woods, a Kobe Bryant, a Brett Favre. We’re talking about indisputable, first ballot hall of famers, these guys are narcissistic jerks across the board. I guess you have to be. But seriously, you have to be a real dick to get away with winning the biggest race in your sport when you’re cheating and do it SIX MORE TIMES.

Damn Lance. You didn’t want to get two or three and shut it down? You really couldn’t stop before you were the most dominant athlete on the planet? They probably would have let you keep two yellow jerseys, but they weren’t gonna let you keep 7 of them.

I blame Floyd Landis. Lance had the best “I’m not on steroids” game of all time. There was nothing that could be pinned on him for the better part of a decade. Floyd Landis wins ONE Tour De France and he gets pinned before he could cross back over the Seine river and get out of the country.

Here’s my new rule. All athletes are on SOMETHING. Athletes stay on the cutting edge.  Everyone at my gym is looking for an edge. Protein, creatine, weed, liquor, whatever. If it alters you for the better, they are on it. I stay hopped up on a custom cocktail of green tea, Hendrick’s Gin and Twerk Team videos. It gives me a real edge in this blog game.

Lance Armstong managed to apologize to the entire world while still coming off like he’d probably do it again. He’s like every other horrible bike dude that all of us have to deal with every day. That guy who wants to run stop lights. Who wants to be fully in a car lane like he’s actually a car. The guy who takes his seat off of his bike because he doesn’t want anyone to steal his sweet gel saddle…on steroids…literally.

This is cutting off abruptly because no one actually gives a damn about cycling. My bad.



The SECOND Worst Way To Get Caught Cheating

So the FIRST worst way to get caught cheating is when you wife walks in on you banging some chick out in your own bed. That is still the most agressive, ridiculous thing you can possibly do. Seriously, what were you thinking?

But the second worst way has to be the way Bobby Petrino went down.

No, it isn’t just because a grown man decided to take his hawg out into the side streets of Arkansas thinking he was a big bad man. No, not just because he thought riding a motorcycle made him think he was this dude, when if you actually think about it really isn’t that aspirational.

But because this guy got into a horrible motorcycle wreck and tried to show up at work the next day like it was all good. It was great. in Arkansas they thought he was the greatest tough guy of all time. You see that neck brace up there. That isn’t the bullshittin’ whiplash neck brace, that is the get carted off the football field version of the neck brace. Hard plastic, gotta turn all the way around to see what is going on behind you, can’t see your own dack neck brace.

Things were all good until the REST of the information came out. That one person crash he was in? Yeah, it was a two person crash. The other person? Yeah, it was a 25 year old staff member. A chick. A former volleyball player.  She’s bad too.

If you ever wanted to know what your HR department at work calls a classic sexual discrimination case, this is pretty much it. Wait. He also supposedly gave her favorable treatment. Oh…and he also allegedly broke her off with $20,000 on the side. So we’ve got lying. Money. Favorable treatment. Yeah, that is pretty much a guaranteed loss of your job no matter how many games you won in the SEC. There is literally no way the school could keep him. They are gonna get sued. Guaranteed. This just means they will have to break every female member of the staff off with an “settlement” of 100K instead of $750K a piece.

I wonder if he gave her a Woo Pig Sooie too.

Terrible. I just went too far. I’m still mad a Bobby for dipping out on the Falcons mid-season.

Add this to my list of reasons only assholes ride motorcycles. Which I haven’t actually written yet, but trust me it’s a long list. I know, I know. There are loyal members of #TeamUs who ride motorcycles. I’m still down with you, but if you reflect, you’re all assholes too. It’s okay. I’m an asshole and I can freely admit it. I’m just not a motorcycle riding asshole. We end up in the same place, we just get there different ways. I get there by talking shit. You get there by driving on the line on the freeway, wearing that helmet with the built in mohawk, and wearing a full neon green bodysuit like that is actually acceptable. See, we aren’t all that different.



Chris Hansen: To Catch a Predator Catcher

Chris Hansen is usually a smooth dude. He’s been taking down internet predators for years. His style is so good it might as well be trademarked. It’s to the point where if you are into under age internet girls and you get to the house and you see a pitcher of lemonade and a platter of cookies, you know you are going to see this smooth dude coming out the back.

Chris has been an unstoppable force. Sure, it feels a little like entrapment sometimes, sure the show looks like it is just set up to embarrass perverts on national television, but it is a damn piece of Americana now. I could watch the “To Catch A Predator” takedown even more than I like Maury determining paternity.

That one even had a taser.

Well Chris not be paying the karma police on a regular basis because irony caught Chris in the ass on this one. The word is that Chris was down in Florida and somehow got caught cheating on hidden camera. You would think if anyone would be an expert on identifying hidden cameras it would be Chris Hansen. But I guess it is harder when you are on the other side of the camera.

I wonder if they roleplay. Like he has her go into the house and make some brownies and pour some sodas. Chris walks in through the front door while she runs off into the back to do some laundry. Chris sits there eating the brownies and checking his pockets for condoms while he tries some small talk. Then he gets up and peeks into the backroom.

That’s when he moves in for the kill. He’s a real expert too. He knows that a woman likes variety in her life. He knows how to keep the relationship fresh. He knows things can get monotonous. So he’s got game, he’s got moves. When he is ready to go back for seconds he breaks out this one.



















That’s right, he works it from the right side too.

C’mon Chris. You are the one we could believe in. You were the one who busted all the people who could be caught slippin. You were one of Us, you took down Them. Violently. Over and over again. Now the world has been turned upside down. We don’t know who to trust. I just want to know who has been secretly videotaping Chris. It’s probably one of the ex-predators. You hate on cats that much on national TV, you better be perfect because there are a lot of people out there looking to take you down.

Tighten up your game Chris. Haters gonna hate.


Manny Up Monday: Manny Ramirez

Baseball season is back and we’ve already got our first big story. Manny Ramirez who was with the Dodgers last year and ended up with the Tampa Bay Rays this year abruptly retired a few days ago. Sure, there are guys like Barry Sanders who retire before their prime. There are guys like Barry Bonds who retire because no one actually pics them up for their team anymore. But Manny just disappeared 6 games into the season. Manny why did you do it?

We know why he did it, and this is the worst way to go out ever. For those who don’t know, Manny Ramirez got suspended for 50 games last season because he was on that stuff. I don’t feel bad for the fact that Manny felt like he had to do steroids. I feel bad for the fact that the dude did steroids and still looked like he worked out when he was jogging out to left field.

Let’s compare shall we? Mark McGwire looked like the incredible hulk.

Dude’s forearms were the same size as his neck. We don’t need to say much more.

Barry Bonds is STILL trying to defend himself for taking ‘roids. His head got all swollen, but at least he looked like an athlete.

Manny on the other hand?

He looks like he just found out there are some ribs back in the clubhouse and wants to take his gloves off so he doesn’t get barbecue sauce on his bat. The guy got caught LAST SEASON. Fully caught. Served a long suspension. Knew that he was on the watch list. Knew he didn’t have his game together so he wouldn’t get caught. Manny has his own personal approach to cheating. Catch me once, shame on me. Catch me twice, I’ve got to be the biggest dumbass on the face of the planet.

I don’t know what Manny was trying to accomplish this season, but he apparently didn’t have too much left in the tank because the 100 game suspension he was about to serve sounded like too much for Manny. Especially when he was like 1 for 18 this season so far. I guess the wait wasn’t going to be worth it. Manny thinks he can just close his eyes and pretend it didn’t happen. We all know we are going to get all the ugly details about his drug use in a few weeks.

The best part of all of this. A few weeks ago ESPN was running sport Science talking about how Manny is rededicated to the game, how he is working out harder ever than before, how he is in the best shape of his life and working on core training. I’m talking about trainer interviews and everything. Manny stretching, doing some yoga, core drills, all kinds of new age B.S. I’m pretty sure the trainer who was on TV talking all that junk feels like a complete asshole right now.

Manny has literally committed a Man Up Moment. This might be the most applicable Man Up ever. This dude literally quit on his team after he got caught cheating. A cheater and a quitter all at once. I might have to permanently change this to Manny Up Monday after this one.

Manny Ramirez…Man Up!


Ashley Madison: You’re Going To Hell

Ashley Madison is a matchmaking agency for people who are already married.  Their motto is “life is short. Have an affair”.  Peep the picture from the front of the site.


Now, I understand the dude in this picture peeping this website and thinking this looks like a good idea, but what about the chick?  Do women fantasize about finding some cat to go down on?  Damn, who knew?  No wonder people have affairs.  See, that is what is messed up, chicks probably run their man off withholding the tail, then end up losing their damn minds getting their Jesse Jane on like a pro.  Ladies, let me tell you something.  If you an give some good head (and damn near all head is good head) you are 50% of the way to keeping your man.  And FYI, part of “good” is “often”.

What the hell is an “affair guarantee”?  Guarantee that they are going to have an affair, or guarantee that you won’t get caught, or a guarantee that your life won’t be a living hell when your dumb ass gets caught.  You can’t guarantee that.  What are they going to do, give you your money back?  That little $300 you get back ain’t gonna be a salve on that ass whooping you’re sure to get.  I mean damn, there is no better way to guarantee that your ass is going to lose half and end up paying alimony for the rest of your life.  How is your dumb ass going to feel when you roll to court and the opposing lawyer flashes this joint up on a big screen.


Talking about, “Mr. Davis.  Are you still looking for someone who is not afraid to try new things?  And what did you mean by new things?  Oh really?  Having new and interesting conversations?  That’s funny, because on your profile page, it described “new things” as “all holes possible”  I’m sure that WOULD be an interesting conversation.”

I mean look.  Dating sites are for people who don’t have the charisma to pull this off on their own.  I have to think that someone who isn’t smooth enough to pull their own dates probably isn’t going to be able to handle the heat of pulling off the affair.  This matches up the most inept daters with the equivalent of the married man decathlon.  You can’t just roll into that kind of activity unprepared.  You will look like a jackass.

Look all of this is messed up and yes I do blame the women as much as the men, but I’ve got a tip just for the ladies.  Uhhhhhh, in case a lifetime of experience hasn’t already taught you this, you can pretty much get sex any time you want.  Also, I guy is highly unlikely to sell you out and try to ruin your marriage so that they can marry your cheatin ass.  We’re just not wired that way.  Seriously, you could walk into any bar with your ring on, have a few drinks and probably bang out the man of your choice.  (Within reason, remember the UvT scale of 1-10 for men and for women, let it be your guide)  I know, I know, men are dogs, that’s messed up, but this is the one situation where it will actually work for what you’re looking for.

This has to be the worst idea ever.  Even pros aren’t safe these days, ask Eliot Spitzer.  You’re gonna hook up with a random housewife?  Sheeeeeit, you’re asking for trouble.