2011 UvT Awards: Man Of The Year

Early on I thought Charlie Sheen had a good shot at UvT Man of the Year. I don’t think anyone could match the level of I don’t give a fuckitude that Charlie was cranking up at the beginning of the year. It was really amazing. He was doing interviews from lawn chairs in his driveway. He was talking about how he had the blood of the gods coursing through he veins. It wasn’t just like watching a train wreck. It was watching a train wreck every hour on the hour for three weeks straight.

Even train wrecks get boring if they happen all the time. Unfortunately, Charlie began to buy his own bullshit and actually believing the things he said about himself.

Here’s a tip Charlie. When you think you are so important people give a damn about your chocolate milk, you’ve gone way too far. No one is that important.

He was no longer spontaneously awesome. He was a dude trying to be spontaneously awesome while peddling t-shirts and making sure he hit all his catch phrases. Seriously, if you see anyone wearing a Tigers Blood t-shirt you have my permission to slap them on site. Unless they work at Ringling Brothers as a tiger trainer, then it would be a delightfully ironic shirt for them to wear. They get a pass.

So the Us Versus Them Man of the year award goes to the one man who held his ground and did exactly what he wanted to do no matter what anyone said about him. The entire world told him he was wrong and he did exactly what he wanted anyway. Even in an environment where that shouldn’t be possible.

Timothy Richard Tebow

That’s right. Tim Tebow is the UvT Man of the Year.

I know, I know it sounds weird at first. But here is why he is #TeamUs. He broke every rule for Quarterbacks in the NFL. He can’t really throw and never fixed his throwing motion. Do you know how big of an asshole you have to be to throw like that and still think you can win NFL games? He still doesn’t look super comfortable under center, and he made his team change their entire offense to a version of the Florida Gators offense from 2008. For 8 weeks, he made every “expert” in the country talk about how it wasn’t possible for him to win games, and yet he went out there and won them. One more win and the WINS HIS DIVISION and takes a 1-4 team into the Playoffs. You know how big your balls have to be to pull that off?

Yeah, about that big.

He won games and he did it all with a smile on his face. I’m pretty sure Tim Tebow doesn’t say “fuck you” too often, if ever, but every time they dropped a “W” into the record column for the Denver Broncos, I imagined Tebow flicking the double bird directly at Merrill Hoge and his ridiculously big tie knot. He could  justify going all Bart Scott and hitting em with a “To all the Non-Believers. Thanks Tom Jackson, You too Keyshawn” but he just kept it cool and was just happy to be there, singing “my God is an Awesome God the whole way.

Even his team, the Denver Broncos, didn’t want him to succeed. You know back in week 2 when they were catching louder and louder “Tee-Bow” chants at every game, they had a meeting where they said “screw it, throw the kid in for a game or two just so the fans can see how much he sucks and will be with this”. You could see the look on John Elway’s face every week as his Tebow handcuffs got tighter and tighter.

Elway looked more comfortable taking that helicopter hit than he did when Tebow won.

Tebow is even setting off trends. I know everyone likes to all it “Tebowing”, but the kid is actually praying. It isn’t a patented, unique move. He’s talking to God.

There was one thing I needed to make sure I checked out before I made this award though. Tebow is so strong in his faith that he was able to remain a virgin at University of Florida while leading them to two national championships. He must have been deflecting gator tail like he was Steve Irwin. But now, he’s supposedly “good friends” with Lindsay Vonn. In Virgin speak, I’m pretty sure that means he’s at least touched a boob, which to a virgin has to feel like having sex with three women in a Brazilian “spa”. So I’m gonna just have to judge his taste, is Lindsay Vonn UvT Quality? There is only one way to judge. A classic angle 2.

See how the “U” is bigger than the “SA”? Yeah, that’s UvT Quality. Well done Tim.

So congrats to Tim Tebow on UvT Man of the Year. Now win this weekend against the Chiefs so you don’t make me look bad.

-Brock

———————–UPDATE——————

Now dude is winning playoff games? I’m not gonna say I called it two weeks ago…but I called it two weeks ago.

Your boy,

Brock

Charlie Sheen is Having the Best Week Ever!

Charlie Sheen has been on a slow boil for a long time.  Sure we heard about the Denise Richards situation, but you could always just chalk it up to celebrity wildness.  Then there has been news about him partying hard, but that didn’t seem so crazy to me either. But now, Charlie Sheen is going full Charlie Sheen.  He has hit the “I don’t give a damn” what people think wall at full steam. Charlie Sheen is no longer living for what anyone else wants, he is ready to let us know who he really is.

He is a full blown Superhero Rock Star from Mars. This dude is ready to tell us the truth.  We’ve been wondering if there is life on other planets, we have been waiting for the little green men to come to earth and try to take over the world.  We were wrong, we were all wrong.  Apparently the martians just wanted to come to Earth to make movies and do successful sitcoms.

Here is the key, I don’t actually think the dude is crazy. He is just better than everyone else and he doesn’t know how to explain it.  So he uses metaphor. He says he had the blood of a lion and the DNA of Adonis.  In case you haven’t done your homework, Adonis has a extreme physical attractiveness and was a lover of Venus who is constantly surrounded by a circle of young girls.  Charlie is no longer ready to accept the rules of mere mortals.  You want to shut down two and a half men because Charlie is unreliable? Charlie is gonna charge you $3 Million instead of $2 Million per episode to get him back.  You want to call him a drug addict? Nah, he’s not addicted, he just wants to live life to the fullest. If you want to try to understand him with your mortal brain, he’s going to let you know that you can’t do that. Society tells you to have one girlfriend? Charlie has two. Porn Stars, the dude goes all out. You want to say he’s on drugs? Nah Charlie is passing drug tests like it ain’t shit. Why, because Charlie Sheen is Winning.

Charlie Sheen has a high powered brain, we couldn’t handle it. You want to know what you would look like on Charlie Sheen’s brain?

You would be all jacked up homey, there is too much radical packed in there for mere mortals from this terrestrial realm to handle.  The interviewer calls him bipolar…he calls himself bi-winning, because he wins here and he wins there.  Dammit, I usually don’t drop a full on five minute video in here, but this is just too good.

Everyone is worried about Sheen’s erratic behavior, I’m actually more worried about the fact that he still uses the phrase “radical” to describe anything. You know what you get when you drop the word “radical” into Google?  You get this.

You get dayglo colors, some cursive script, the word “party” in mismatch lettering and Bill Freaking Cosby. Bill is looking completely comfortable that he can handle his totally radical responsibilities too.  You put Bill Cosby, Charlie Sheen, some weed flavored Jell-O pudding pops, and a carton of cigarettes in a room and there can be a real party.  I don’t even know what “banging seven gram rocks” means, but I’m sure it means Charlie is ready to get it done when he is finished.  Now correct me if I’m wrong…drug are still illegal, right? I know Charlie is radical, but he’s a little too free talking about the availability of drugs at his home.

Even after all of that, I’m with Charlie. This is better than the Tom Cruise interview with Oprah because Tom just did it once.  Charlie is trying to talk to every person with a microphone. I mean he is running interviews like “Charlie Sheen: The Movie” is dropping in theaters this Friday and ready to make a run for the Oscar.  Remember when Joaquin Phoenix made a fake movie about himself going crazy?  This ain’t fake, Charlie is going in like a method actor and putting his own shit on the line.  Somebody call Emilio, tu hermano es muy loco!

I don’t know why this is all going down, but Charlie Sheen is making an early run at UvT Man of the Year. I think that is radical.

-Brock