Randy Moss is a Programmatic Non-Fit

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Well Damn, I can barely keep up with this one.  Let’s give a quick recap though.  In 2007 Randy Moss made a new record for receptions in one season.  He got to the end zone 23 times.  He is second of all time in four categories, which for wide receivers is pretty much the equivalent of first place because Jerry Rice is never going to be caught.  He’s a guaranteed first ballot Hall of Famer and when you throw it up to him deep, he’s still got it.

What’s really crazy, is that he got to all of those records while being a complete asshole for about 4 of his 12 seasons.  He shut it down completely when he was in Oakland, he gave up when Brady got hurt and went out in 2008, and caused a lot of trouble in Minnesota before he left.  Randy pretty much has a policy that if he doesn’t like the way things are going down, he’s gonna let you know he doesn’t like the way things are going down and he’s gonna take his talents to South Beach keep his talent under wraps.  He’ll shut it down for a few plays, he’ll give up, he’ll talk shit and he’s never shy about it. Oh, and he really likes to let people know he’s rich.  Who will ever forget the “Straight Cash Homey” incident?

“When you rich, you don’t write checks”.  Does it get any better than that?  Yeah, it does…”What’s 10,000?  To me?”  I always forget that Randy has that country ass West Virginia accent too.  So Randy starts off this season by talking about how he’s upset with New England not taking care of his contract.  He must have forgot Bill Belichick is a straight gangster that takes 5 rounders and makes them champions because the Patriots decided they weren’t gonna play that shit and let him go for a third round pick.  So Randy was telling everyone to get their 84 jerseys out.

“Take the Bawl deep, take the top off the defense and “I don’t shine shoes, I don’t tape ankles, I don’t cut checks, straight cash homey” might be the best autotuned line since “hide yo kids, hide yo wife“.  I guess it wasn’t such a fun ride when Brett Favre wasn’t winning games and decided he was going to play on one leg and not throw him the ball because Randy went into his tailspin very early.  This was a real gem from earlier in the week.

Randy might need to quit football and just start doing stand up comedy. “If there’s gonna be an interview, I’m gonna conduct it.”  I’ll ask my own questions, answer my own questions and give y’all the answers.”  What does that even mean?  How did he pull that off without cracking a smile?  He was serious?  But that wasn’t what got him fired.  Saying that he thought the Patriots were a great organization after his team lost to them is not what got him fired.  He got fired because he started talking shit about some ribs.  That’s right.  He was at a post practice meal, didn’t like the menu, and proceeded to call the food shit he wouldn’t feed his dog” right in front of the proud owner.  Childress didn’t like it, and essentially dropped Randy on the spot.  Childress didn’t even tell the owner before he did it.  Randy wasn’t even in the flight back home, he needed his own wings.

They WAIVED the dude.  No trade.  No picks.  NADA.  Randy is such a big asshole it is literally worth throwing away a third round pick just to get rid of him?  That doesn’t make sense to me, or Jeff Fisher.  The Titans are next to ride the Randy Moss rollercoaster this season.  They are in the running to roll strong into the playoffs so maybe Randy will stay engaged.

I just hope he brings the interviews back.  We need Randy talking more shit.  It makes everything better.

-Brock

Brett Favre: Jeans Aren’t the Only Thing He’s Wranglin’

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Brett Favre is finally in the news for something other than the fact that he’s about to retire that that he kinda sucks this year.  There is a big scandal going down around the football star, but you know what?  I’m not so sure it is an actual scandal.  See Brett Favre must have been a faithful reader of Us Versus Them back in the day because we covered Jenn Sterger way back in 2007.  In 2007, Brett was with the NY Jets and away from home, and he thought Sterger might be the answer to all his problems.  Oh, and Brett was aiming high because Jenn Sterger is in fact bad.

She was on the Jets payroll as community relations, and Brett was trying to recruit her to the personal relations department.

So here is the scandal, Brett Favre allegedly got a Jets staffer to get her number, started sending texts and voicemails inviting her over after practice. I wonder if he told her that he’s the greatest Packer of all time?  I guess being Brett Favre isn’t as easy as it looks because this dude was begging for that ass. I mean look, she’s bad, but Brett Favre is the most famous football player in the last 20 years.  This dude is 41 years old and he thinks sending cellphone pictures of his junk is a good idea?  Brett how did you let her know what you were working with?

Brett. Come on man.  You know you aren’t working with all that are you?

Look man. You don’t need to cry about it.  Oh and by the way, next time you send pictures of your crank to some chick, you probably shouldn’t wear the same watch you wore when you retired.  I’m just saying, you don’t want to pull an R. Kelly and have ridiculous incriminating pictures of yourself with obvious indications it is actually you.  Like allegedly making an alleged sextape with a alleged underage girl in an extremely distinctive cabin themed room in your alleged house.

But if aRa can get away with that, surely Brett can get away with this.

But let’s boil this down.  What is Brett actually in trouble for here?  I’m pretty sure if Roger Goodell suspended every football player that tried to holler at Sheesna T. Mywife…he’d be recruiting players from the UFL immediately.  So this isn’t for being a cheater. He didn’t actually have sex with the chick so this isn’t any sort of a sexual assault situation. No Rothlisberger here.  Emailing naked pictures? Yeah, I’m pretty sure that cancels out a bunch of guys too.  Sexual harassment? Yeah, kinda.  They are both employees.  I know he’s a QB and that dude is the captain, but I’m pretty sure a guy sending a few voicemails to a hot chick on the staff happens a lot.  Do you know how many football players hooked up with the team cheerleaders?

So this has to be pretty much because Brett Favre is an asshole.

So Brett, Us Versus Them is always trying to help out.  So here are some rules for trying to cheat on your wife.

The Rules of Cheating:

#1:  Don’t Cheat.

#2: If you cheat make sure she is bad (right John Edwards?)

There is nothing worse than getting popped for trying to cut down a slumpbuster.

#3. If you are gonna get caught cheating, close the deal.

How much does it suck for ruining your reputation and life over a chick who didn’t even let you hit it.

#4. 41 year old guys don’t need to be sending pics of their cack via cell phone.  I’m just curious.  Ladies of UvT.  I’ve seen a lot of guys run a lot of game, but I’ve never gotten the impression that shooting over a pic of the cack is going to close the deal.  Seriously, when the phone calls and text messages didn’t work, did this dude really think to himself, “I know.  I’m gonna pull out the big guns.  Wait until she takes a peek at what I’m working with.  THEN she’s gonna get down with Team Favre.”  Did he really think she was going to fire up her Blackberry and say, “well damn. NOW I want to bang the most famous QB on the planet, will you look at that dick.”  I’m pretty sure that wasn’t how it was going down.  Also, don’t you need to send dick pics over with some sort of point of reference?  Like take a picture next to a dollar bill, a cell phone, a ruler some object that everyone knows so they can get a sense of relative size.  Otherwise perspective can really throw everything off.

Now Brett Favre may try to convince everyone else it isn’t him in those dack pictures, but you want to know one person who knows whether or not is is actually him?  His wife.  That sucks.

So yeah Roger Goodell.  You’ve got a choice to make.  Either you can try to take down the most famous man in your league right now for something that is not a crime, isn’t that uncommon in your league, and may not be wrong at all, or let him slide on potential sexual harassment.  I’m thinking by time they try to catch the ol gunslinger on this one he’ll be riding off into the sunset. You can do like Bill Clinton and impeach him after he’s out of office.

This whole thing is ridiculous.

Brett Favre’s wife DOES NOT stand by her man in 5…4…3…2…

-Brock

Brett Favre Says He Isn’t Playing Football Anymore…Again

Brett Favre is texting people that he isn’t playing football anymore.  No interview, no press conference, hasn’t officially told the team, and absolutely no one believes him.

That’s right, Brett Favre is still a dick.  He held up the Vikings all summer throwing passes to high school kids.  The Vikings passed on QB’s in the draft, missed them in Free Agency and now the Vikings are looking at Sage Rosenfels and Tavaris Jackson trying to lead them to the promised land.  Which pretty much means the Vikings are gonna suck.  At least they still have an awful theme song from Prince.

Oh, and there is also a 70% chance Brett will be back by game 4 to save the season.

-Brock

NFL Playoffs: Rest vs. Rust – Who Wins?

There are only four teams left in the NFL.  Peyton and the Colts.  Old man Favre and the Vikings.  The high flying Saints.  And the shit talking, nothing to lose Jets.

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How do you not love this guy?  Rex Ryan is one of those old school football coaches that just wears the same gear every week no matter what the weather it.  No hoodie, no wool hat, just a baseball cap and a polo shirt.  I feel like he was in a snow game and he might have worked in a fleece or something and just rolled with it.  I’m pretty sure he had a nasty runny nose in the halftime interview.  And he doesn’t give a damn.  He barely made the playoffs and immediately put together a schedule for the victory parade.  (although I wonder if it is in Manhattan or Jersey?)  Gotta love that.  While everyone is talking about the big time defense and the big time running game, but he’s got one little problem.

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I expect Peyton Manning to be in full on gesticulation mode on Sunday.  I’m talking popping and locking like he is trying out for Breakin’ 3.  How much tape do you think Peyton watched this week?  60-70 hours?  Everytime someone on the Jets D flexes a buttcheek, Peyton is going to back out from under center to point, waggle, yell something at his RB, pop & lock, stanky leg, and throw the crip sign before he hikes the ball.

The pressure is on here too, because the Colts resting their players is what let the Jets into the playoffs.  There is a big set of “told ya so” that people have been stacking up for the Colts after they had a shot at perfection and tanked those last few games.  They came out looking sharp as hell after the layoff, but if they let the squad they rolled over for do them in the AFC Championship, it will not be pretty.  I’ve still got the Colts winning this one.  I think the Jest are overperforming and Peyton is going to be too much on the field.

Saints vs. Vikings should be interesting too.

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Brett Favre is all hyped up for the game he’s in full on cowboy, gunslinger mode.  Singing pants on the ground, slapping Jared Allen on the ass, he is one hyped up, Wrangler wearing country boy from Mississippi right now.

That “Woooooooo!” he cuts loose with at 25 seconds it crazy.  He is REALLY feeling it.  Meanwhile, he’s done the one thing this year no opposing team could do last year…marginalize the best running back in the game.  The Vikings look tough right now and they have the defense to keep them in the game, but the clock has been ticking and I feel like the inevitable is about to happen…

Brett Favre is about to go Brett Favre.

I feel like the Saints jump out early when Drew Breezay connects on a long ball and Brett is going to start feeling the pressure.  He came back for two reasons.  First to give a big “Fack You I still got it” to the Packers, and the second is to win a Superbowl.  So Brett is going to try to put the team on his back, win it all himself and he is about to remind everyone not of the guy who leads the NFL in touchdowns, but instead the guy who leads the NFL in interceptions.

The Saints looked damn good all season and they will be running the greatest show on turf part Deaux in NO this weekend.  So I hope they get it.  I’m going Saints and Colts in the Superbowl.  I hope I get both of these right (although I am notoriously bad at picking game winners).  But this isn’t just for pride.

I think my head will explode if I have to watch two full weeks of stories about Favre vs. Sanchez, old dog vs. young lion, the Rookie vs. the Veteran.  People invoking Namath again when they talk about Sanchez although his stats are more like JaMarcus Russell.  Oh and you know they can’t wait to remind you who the Jets QB was last year when the Jets couldn’t get to the playoffs.

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If the universe loves me, this debacle will not come to pass.  I can’t bear to watch that for two whole weeks.

-Brock

“Been-A-Dick Arnold” Comes to Green Bay

By this time, we all know Brett Favre is a completely self-absorbed dick.

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But he put on that total arsehole hat when he walked into Lambeau and did the cheese heads all kinds of wrong.

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You know in some way, I feel bad for Brett.  Sure he’s an ass.  But it’s not his fault that the media members have been all over his dack for years without really telling the entire story.

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Really, dude is just a country boy from Mississippi that wants what he wants.  Homey wants to ball, holler at hoes (confirmed)

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and hoist championship trophies.

Oh well.  It was ill how he orchestrated it, but dude really is in a perfect situation.  I mean, he’s got All Day Petterson, Percy Harvin and that hot D on his side, but let’s be clear:  dude does make plays.

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And he reaaaaally put it on the Packers this day.  Hey, what can you say?   To each their own.  I mean, I can’t see being so hoggish that you go play for one of your rivals, but clearly Brett is wired that way.  One thing is for sure, Brett has gotten the first, second and likely, last laugh on these fools, even if they gave him the platform for his entire career.  Yep, a solid dick….You gotta respek it.

- Lake

Brett Favre is Retired…Is Back!…Is Retired…Is Back!…AGAIN

Brett Favre, after a Hall of Fame career with the Green Bay Packers and defining the modern era of Lambeau Field retired from the game of football in 2008.  If you remember, this was after he held the Packers and Aaron Rodgers hostage for a few seasons.  Remember this?

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The man cried it out and everything. Brett, you’ve been to the Superbowl twice and got your ring.  You hold the records for career TD passes, passing yards, pass completions, consecutive starts, pass attempts, career victories and, ahem, career interceptions.  But really, that is to be expected when you were drafted in 1991.  That’s right, you were probably dropping “I Wanna Sex You Up” by Color Me Badd on the groupies in the draft party and had “Wanna Make You Sweat” on the ol walkman when you needed to get pumped for the game.  Dude when you came into the league there was still a Soviet Union!  I’m just saying, it’s been a while.  Randy Johnson thinks you need to hang it up.  George Foreman thinks you might be risking your health, Evander Holyfield thinks you’ve lost a step.

But you don’t give a damn do you?

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Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Brett, first of all, you’re just taking advantage of people who think you are still the world famous gunslinger that you used to be.  Sure, Joe Montana went to the Chiefs because he wasn’t ready to hang it up, Emmitt Smith went out to Arizona for a few seasons, but you know it is never going to be the same, don’t you?  Sure, you were great with the Jets…for about 8 games then you stunk it up and got Jersey a hot ass draft pick so they could get an actual QB with a future.

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So now you are going to be a Viking.  The crosstown rival.

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That is like Lake and I breaking out the Carolina Blue jerseys and heading down to the Dean Dome to root against the boys in Blue.  It just isn’t right.  I know what this is about Brett, I know.  You just want to strap on the Purple helmet for two games.  Really one game, the one in Lambeau field so you can let the Packers know you still have it and shouldn’t have let you go.  Sunday, November 1st is all he wants.  He might actually quit after that game.

Somewhere John Madden is hearing the news and is regretting his own retirement.  He’ll probably give Brett a call to find out how to unretire.

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Then they could be together again.

Brett, try not to ruin AP’s career for too long.  Make sure he only loses one season of the prime of his career to futility.  No matter what, you’re still an asshole.

-Brock