According to the Internet, This is the Only Thing that Happened at the BET Awards Last Night

This moment from Erykah Badu almost broke Twitter last night. [Read more...]

Jennifer Love Hewitt is…Whoa, Where’d THAT Come From?

I’m pretty sure this picture is self explanatory.

Now when I said it was self explanatory, I meant the quality of the picture explains itself, I can’t explain how the image captured in the picture is possible based on the all the empirical evidence I’ve seen over the years. But I live in the moment, so I’ll just appreciate the now and not worry about the past or the future.

-Brock

I will say if this photo has not been manipulated, we will be discussing Ms. Love Hewitt more in the future.

Which Mya is the Real Mya? You Be the Judge

Now I haven’t talked about Mya much in a long time, but I came across two pictures that demand attention. I found two pictures or her and one of them has to be fake. I’m just not sure which one.

Here’s the first pic.

Mya lookin good in that one. I’m calling bullshit on this one. I’m pretty sure there is no there in the natural world where shadows go in three different directions. I will say that is late 90’s throwback Mya though. Then there is another picture, same outfit, same wall, same shoes. But something is different. I can’t quite place it. Maybe you can help.

Call me crazy, I think this one might be photoshopped too. If you’re going to blow up the thighs, can we round out the calves too? I like ass as much as the next man, but you need to build up the proper support system. You know I’m going to need some breakdowns in the comments to see which one you vote for.

While that is going on, I had to do some supplemental research to see what’s going on.

Why is anyone even messing with Mya? She looks like she’s doing just fine without the digital manipulation. Bonus for the people who voted for pic #2, she seems to be closer to the thick pic than the slim one. Can we all agree to shut down the photoshop? It’s one thing to know they are always cutting things down, but when we are getting inflation and deflation it might break the tail-arse continuum. We can’t have that.

-Brock

Assology: Jessica Alba Needs Her Own Category

I came across a few new pics of Jessica Alba today and realized she may now dictate an entire new species of booty. She may stand alone. Let’s start with the basics.

Why don’t people talk about Jessica Alba anymore? She’s still one of the baddest chicks out here. She’s two kids in and is still out here bringing the heat. She’s somehow slim and thick at the same time. I don’t know how she does it. The front is great, the back is even better.

See? She’s a really small girl. Tiny even. But she’s still got that perfect tail piece. I know that is great, but this last shot is the game changer. You know it has to be that angle 2. I need you all to prepare yourselves. You’ve never seen anything like this.

Are you ready?

What’s going on? Everything tells me this should be a fail tail. The back is all tucked in, the legs are all slimmed out, she’s not even arching her back, but that tail is popping with full plump crease and cheek definition. What should we name this new species? Too Big to Fail Tail? Ingrown Booty? The Under-Thundertuck?

I can’t call it, but enjoy.

-Brock

Mena Suvari…Does She Still Have It?

Mena Suvari is one of the all time UvT Favorites. She’s the definition of “Unexpected Ass” around these parts. Last week she dropped a shot on Instagram that made me question the 2012 version of Mena.

While I appreciate the tightness of those jeans, and the curves she’s rocking, my powers of Assology make me question whether she’s still packing heat. Has one of the great ones converted to a Fail Tail without any warning? I sent the interns on a fact finding mission to get me another angle.

Whew. She’s still got it. Crisis averted.

In other news, I am not currently debating the tail status of Serena Williams.

Carry on.

-Brock

March Madnass: It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It is that time of the year again. The days are starting to get longer, College Basketball is starting to get interesting, the weather is starting to break (most places) and Us Versus Them is ready to roll out the annual tournament to find the baddest woman in the world.

It is time for March Madnass.

I even got a spiffy new logo for the occasion.

Oh hell yeah. My shitty photoshop skills have stepped up people. That looks official as hell right there. About a billion times better than my last logo. I can’t inflate booty cheeks yet, but as soon as I can, you will be the first to know. The tail inflation game is apparently big business.

That’s UvT favorite, model, poet, blogger, Crystal Calixte. She’s pretty bad on her own so I don’t know why she got the booty inflation treatment here, but I don’t mind it. Maybe we will drop Crystal into the field as well.

I’m working on the field now. We will get some favorites from last year, some rookie participation (Kate Upton wasn’t there last year) and I’m sure Itz from the comments will send me a pornucopia of adult video stars for consideration. (That wasn’t a request, although I know you probably can’t stop yourself). Unless you absolutely want her in, I’m going to keep Stacey Dash, the 2011 champion out of the field. I don’t want her wrecking the hopes and dreams of 63 other women.

As always we are just looking for the #1 UvT Quality chick of the year. Feel free to use whatever criteria you would like. So vote on whatever criteria you like. Here are the instructions from last year:

If you are just looking for the best tail in the land, go for it. If you are looking for an all around MVP, that sounds good to me. If you are one of the ladies of UvT and want to vote for a great fashion sense and for a chick who could be your bestie…whatever keeps you coming back. We are crowning the #1 UvT Quality Chick out here, may the best woman win.

Last year, many of you thought we were literally looking for the biggest ass possible. That is definitely an approved methodology under the revised rulebook, so feel free to use that as your guiding light. Just know, if that is how you are going to vote, this young lady is already your winner.

I prefer a more nuanced approach.

For example, I was watching House of Lies on Showtime and became a new fan of Megalyn Echikunwoke.

That’s what I like right there people. The only bad thing about that woman is the fact that I can’t remember or spell her name so I can’t tell other people about her. I need to put a note in my phone or something so I can spread the brilliance of Megalyn to everyone.

So drop your suggestions into the comments. Links and pics appreciated so I don’t end up looking for the wrong chick. Bonus…I actually started this at the beginning of March as opposed to on March 21st so this shit doesn’t leak into mid-May.

March Madnass is for the people. Get your suggestions in, the final field will lock on Monday and we will start rolling. More updates tomorrow. Get your brackets ready.

-Brock

Assology: The Power of Assnosis

I know the classic Assology posts have been few and far between. Please rest assured that the important work I do as the worlds leading authority on the Assological sciences and the broader theory of Tailonomics has not slowed down. I will be offering Assology classes in the Spring with a certificate program for those who qualify. You can begin taking old classes online with Assology 101 HERE.

I’m here to announce an important discovery. It is a danger not only to those who have devoted their lives to the study of Assology, but to society as a whole. Any man, at any time can fall victim.

I’m talking about Assnosis.

Assnosis is defined as the phenomenon of being completely hypnotized by a passing ass. It causes distraction, lack of focus, temporary neck twisting, tunnel vision, and in cases when you are driving or operating heavy machinery, even death. Let’s examine the issue.

Here is a classic case of Assnosis. Notice how he doesn’t even know what is going on in the room around him. His jaw has gone slack, his eyes have gone glassy. This man apparently didn’t leave this position and come to for several minutes after the ass in question had left the vicinity.

It can happen to anyone, even stars. Here’s Jake Gyllenhaal at a Lakers game.

If he doesn’t get his act together, he’s going to go sliding right down those stairs. Danger to himself and those around him. Assnosis is real. There isn’t any elaborate set up, no swinging watches or soft talking to lull you into a sleepy state. A pair of wonderful butt cheeks can show up and you can be stunned into Assnosis immediately.

Of course there is the classic Chris Rock photo.

Chris walked right into a wall right after this picture was taken. He had concussion-like symptoms for two weeks.

Assnosis is real. Protect yourselves. The best thing you can do is stay prepared. By spreading awareness, I hope to save a few lives.

-Brock

Man Up Monday as soon as I can keep my eyes open for more than a few minutes.

 

In Case You Forgot: Rihanna Is Sexy

Rihanna has a new album coming out next week, so you know what that means…she is showing up half butt naked all over the internets. There is the official stuff like being named Esquire’s Woman of the Year. I’d like to point out that she was UvT Quality chick of the year two years ago, because I’m ahead of the got damn curve, but you already know that.

Personally, I like the candid shots myself. Not just level 5 on the UvT NSFW buck naked camera phone joints either. Rihanna has evolved, her personal shots are classy now.

I’ll take two orders of the Saltinbocca. That tongue is completely gratuitous by the way. That’s not even the good stuff though.

Does Rihanna do wind blown tail shots?

Yes she does.

How about ridiculous poses of her smiling at you on all fours?

She’s got that covered too.

Side note, that hip tattoo has been killing me since she got it.

Finally, we find out why Rihanna doesn’t have a male assistant. Because if anyone from TeamUs had this job, Ms. Ri-Ri would have a lot more than a thong wedged in that tail piece.

That back arch is top 5 right now. The girl isn’t even trying. She’s just on vacation getting a little sunblock sprayed into her ass crack. I’ll know I’ve made it when I get to hire someone to spray sunblock into my ass crack.

When I do, she’s not gonna look like one of Mike Lawry’s ladies though. Haaaaaaaa! My bad, I had to get one in after all the action in the comments from last week.

-Brock