Lights Out: Recap of the Super Bowl

I was still getting my second half nachos tight when I came back and heard the lights were out at the Super Bowl. My first thought was this:

Then I remembered that Shawn Merriman was only good for about 3 seasons, was probably on that stuff for all of this decent years and hasn’t been relevant for a good 4 seasons. So he couldn’t have been the one who turned the lights out. Then I remembered it was in New Orleans. You know there were a good 30 seconds where everyone in the Super Dome thought it was either Katrina Part 2, or some wildness about to go down. I know the Super Bowl snipers were ready. Don’t sleep, there is someone hidden up there somewhere waiting to take someone out if they detected a threat.

For guys who make a living talking on television, the commentators sure as hell didn’t know how to fill the 30 minute gape caused by the blackout, that was some of the worst tv I’ve ever seen. How many times did they try to tell us how long it takes a fluorescent light back on? Great reporting fellas.

Finally they said it was a power surge. Well, I know who is responsible for that.

Maybe we should talk to the chick who danced on top of  a 40 foot wide LED screen for 20 minutes. I think she might have had something to do with it. She’s got Destiny’s children exploding all up out of the stage. She’s dancing with multiple versions of herself. Beyonce blew up the Super Bowl. If you are going to give us 6 years of old musical acts because of Janet Jackson’s boob, maybe we can ease off on the crazy displays during the halftime shows for the next few years. After all, we are here for a football game. I like a Beyonce concert as much as the next guy, but I’m here for the game.

Of course, there is also the game inside of the game. Like the horrible play of the Niners special teams that made Jim Harbaugh do this.

In real time that looked like a really legit tantrum, but every time you look at it on a loop it gets worse and worse. What’s that big loopy thing he’s doing with his arms? Is that a dismount? I like how he goes right hand, left hand, both hands, but he really doesn’t get any velocity on those two laminated sheets of paper. Those khaki pants aren’t doing him any favors either. He should have saved that anger for the last play of the fourth quarter when there was a no call on holding…because that was clearly holding.

Am I the only one who actually needed more shots of Ray Lewis crying? Yeah? Just me? Lucky I keep a few handy.

I’m just glad they didn’t give Ray the MVP s a parting gift. They barely mentioned his name after the game started. I forgot he was out there for a second. Luckily, he will be right at a desk on ESPN the second football is back next season. I look forward to it. Yes I’m being sarcastic. Oh well, it’s another 7 months until football comes back. I guess I’ll kinda watch basketball until March Madness and the NBA playoffs, then ignore sports until next September. That plan has always worked well for me before.

-Brock

The Inauguration: If Mitt Romney Won…

You know Mitt Romney thought Monday was going to be different. He just knew he was going to win the election and get sworn in. I’m sure he didn’t watch any TV yesterday, because it was impossible to avoid the swearing in ceremony, the recap of all the balls, and grown people somehow thinking it was reasonable to talk about the dress Michelle Obama wore. Mitt really thought it should have been him.

So it got me thinking, what would the inauguration have been like if Mitt Romney won? It would have been a lot different. Let’s start from the top. President Obama looked truly happy yesterday.

I saw Mitt Romney for a solid two years while he was running for President, and I’m pretty sure this is the happiest he can get:

That’s his million dollar smile. Actually that’s probably his quarter-billion dollar smile. It’s really the only one he’s got.

Now it gets tricky. No one really brought up the fact Mitt Romney was a Mormon during the election. But I’m thinking the Bible probably wouldn’t have been his book of choice during the swearing in ceremony. You know Mitt doesn’t do anything halfway. Any copy of the Book of Mormon won’t do. Mitt would be rocking his very own recreation of Joseph Smith’s golden plates. Made out of real gold.

The only downside is that they would have been a bit heavy for Ann Romney. You know two or three of his sons would have helped him out though. Which brings us to our next difference. Obama had Michelle, Sasha and Malia, Michelle’s brother and Mom and that was about it. The Romney’s on the other hand…

If the whole family was up there, there wouldn’t have been any room for the Supreme Court, ex-Presidents, any members of Congress. I think they would have kicked off some kind of Romney family hunger games to see who got to sit up on the dais with Dad. I think the only guarantee is gigantic Romney on the far right. Everything else is a toss up.

Time for the speed round:

- For Obama’s inauguration, Joe Biden was surprisingly contained…If Mitt Romney won, I’m pretty sure Paul Ryan would have gone shirtless at some point. Even in the cold.

- For Obama’s inauguration, there was a celebration with a few hundred thousand people, complete with pop stars, a 21 gun salute, and parties all over the city…If Mitt Romney won, his belief in a small government means the ceremony wouldn’t have been such a big spectacle. Just Mitt, his family, a few members of the Tea Party, and a few of Mitt’s closest millionaire friends.

 - For Obama’s inauguration, Beyonce sing the National Anthem…If Mitt Romney won, I’m pretty sure Mitt would have just called this dude.

Stirring.

- For Obama’s inauguration, Barack Obama gave a shout out to equal pay for women, gay rights, immigration and ease of voting…If Mitt Romney won, he would have asked everyone to turn in their health care cards in exchange for guns. Then he would end his speech with “y’all bitches on ya own”.

- For Obama’s inauguration, there were stars everywhere. James Taylor, Alicia Keys, John Mayer, Eva Longoria, Katy Perry…If Mitt Romney won, Mitt would have just invited Manti Te’o to the Inaugural ball…you know, because he’s guaranteed not to need a plus 1.

- For Obama’s inauguration, Kelly Clarkson sang “My Country ‘Tis of Thee”…If Mitt Romney won, yeah, Kelly Clarkson would have still been singing “My Country ‘Tis of Thee”. For sure.

- For Obama’s inauguration, Karl Rove is no where to be seen…If Mitt Romney won, Karl Rove does the Gangnam style dance at the Commanders ball in a money green suit while Big Oil makes it rain.

Karl Rove REALLY wanted that win. I’m pretty sure he would have celebrated in style. That might have actually made it worth it…nah, even that wouldn’t be worth it.

It isn’t often we get a peek into an alternate dimension. I think now that we know what could have been, we can all agree we’re better off.

-Brock

 

Video Review: Lady Gaga and Beyonce Telephone

Us Versus Them stream of consciousness review of “Telephone”:

Sexy inmates…is this where you get locked up when you get caught by the fashion police?…Is that Chyna with a blonde wig?…did they clean that bar off before she licked it?…That was still kinda sexy…was that p*ssy?…[REWIND]…nah, they blurred it…those glasses are made from lit cigarettes…is that chick a dude?…is that big girl wearing Zubaz?…that “actress” looked like she really meant it when she rubbed that cooch…blatant product placement…is the “slapper” Sporty Spice?…Gaga can be sexy when she takes herself seriously…I do actually think of Lady Gaga’s skin as a crime scene that should not be crossed…titties!…Beyonce’s titties!…B is killin that yellow dress…cool graphics in the diner…I am disturbed by the sandwich guys…and a little disturbed by that Beyonce hop…Beyonce and gaga look like Wonder Woman and Crackhead Wonder Woman respectively…I wish that was Beyonce in that leopard catsuit…the Pussy Wagon, ha!

Sound good?  Enjoy!

-Brock

Beyonce Has the Best Thighs in the Business

I’m not gonna lie, my powers of assology sometimes surprise even me.  For instance, I was surfing the net a few days ago when I came across a picture that was literally this size.

500x_beyonce-thighs

Thought #1: Damn, that chick is thick.

Thought #2: That has to be Beyonce.  No one else has legs like that.  I was right too.

500x_beyonce-thighs

When we tag something “more thigh than KFC”, that’s what we’re talking about right there.

-Brock

If the Glee Club Ran The World…

I know this ran about a month ago, but if there is a better violation of Rule #1, I don’t know it.

Those cats are really committed to that performance.

-Brock

Thickness Showdown: Lady Gaga Meets Her Match

lady-gaga

I know there is a Lady Gaga controversy over whether or not she has an extra….uh Fail Tail in the front, so to speak.  You know you are dealing with a crazy chick when she’s willing to rock a FUPA on purpose.  Now I don’t know if Gaga can sing “Have a Baby By Me Baby” to herself in the mirror, but that might just be her crazy ass getting more attention.  Some people release sex tapes, Gaga’s crazy ass acts like she’s packing dack.  She’s a weird chick.  But before all the controversy people were claiming that Gaga was thick.

lady_gaga_ass1

The ladies like it.

lady-gaga-ass

And she knew how to arch it back for the fellas.  I’m here to tell you thickness is all about perspective, what looks thick all by itself, can become fail tail white girl skinny standing next to the wrong person.  By all standards, that is thickness right there.  Or so I thought until Beyonce dropped “Video Phone”.  Suddenly Gaga looked like a standard issue fail tail.

Did you see that side by side comparison?

videophonebeyoncegaga

That is what boxing calls a no contest.  There wasn’t even a knock out, the fight never even happened.  Looking at a Beyonce body chick and ending up with a Gaga body chick is like ordering buffalo wings and getting those extra small dried out looking joints.  You can’t be satisfied.  Beyonce brings the thunder.

beyonce-ass

But there is such a thing as too thick, because this dude is back.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9tCjPyxIfM

And he clearly has no one in his life that loves him.

-Brock

Is Solange Knowles (AKA Bizarro Beyonce) UvT Quality?

I feel bad for Solange Knowles, I really do.  It has to be hard being the bootleg version of a world famous celebrity.  She is like a real-life female version of Johnny Drama.  I mean Beyonce was in Destiny’s Child, one of the most successful Multi-Platinum groups in recent history…Solange can’t go Plastic.  Beyonce is married to Jay-ZSolange was briefly married to some future-ex NFL player and is a young mother.  Beyonce is super thickums…Solange doesn’t quite match up.  Or does she?

solange2

Now I don’t know what the hell she’s thinking with that crazy ass outfit and eye makeup, but that outfit is fitting tight and right.  Do you hear me Solange?  Can you let me know what you’re workin with?

solange1

Hey the girl is working with what she has.  Maybe she’ll thicken up like her big sis one day when she grows up.  Hey girl, since you decided to look like Freak of the Night Rainbow Bright how bout you let us peep that tail game?

solange3

Naaaaah.  You can’t just throw a hip out on it and expect Us Versus Them to accept that there might be some unexpected arse hiding back there.  We’re gonna have to go to the video footage.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIOR63m1F1s

Damn.  I think that is a fail tail from every angle.  One the plus side, you can get your very own crazy ass rainbow tights.

solange-suit

Yeah, I don’t know why they used male models on this one.  There is absolutely not one single situation known today or that may be known in the future where a man should don that outfit.  Never.

Ever.

-Brock

Solange Knowles: Stop it’s the Motharf*#kin REMIX!

I’ve always had the same opinion of Solange Knowles since I knew she existed.  She’s basically the bizarro Beyonce to me.  Like she’s recognizable, but everything is just not quite right.

On the right we have Beyonce.  Multiple Grammy winner, can sing her ass off, looking silky smooth and thick and we know she has an ass so big you can see it from the front.  And on the right we have Solange.  Skinny, weave looks like it is too big, grill piece hits you with a little too much Matthew Knowles and not enough Tina Knowles, can’t really sing, and is the real Destiny’s Child as she is destined to kick it in her big sisters shadow for the rest of eternity.

Then I saw this.

Say what?  That ain’t Solange Knowles.  But those ass cheeks are smoothed out with a rising thickness on the horizon.

Yup, that’s her, she’s trying to work a little j-game too.  Remember she’s already had a kid.  That young body bounces right on back huh?

Hey, even the grill is starting to look better.  By the way, I can’t tell if that hip on the right side that is about to come busting out is teriffic or turrible.  I’m leaning toward turrible.

Solange Knowles isn’t UvT quality, but I’m moving her from completely turrible to a terrible spades hand.  Right now she’s got one and a possible.  Her songs aren’t getting any better, but maybe she’ll get her grown woman body on sometime soon.

Oh and here’s some career advice for Solange too.  Don’t pretend like you are getting record deal or any looks that aren’t related to the fact that your sister is Beyonce.  Don’t double-think yourself into obscurity.  You need to release an album with one track that features the Destiny’s Child Reunion.  A duet with your sister.  A duet with your sister featuring Jay-Z.  Remake the whole first Beyonce album as a tribute to your sister.  Get her to put you in one of her movies.  Do another track with Jay-Z.  Make your sister feature you on her album and actually release the single.  Uhhhh, and step yo game up.  Then you might actually sell some albums.

Just my two cents.  That shot of your ass is a nice start though.  We need more of that too.

-Brock